


Only For You

by ObsidianRomance



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2013-09-11
Packaged: 2017-12-06 11:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 137,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/735348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the following prompt: J1 has always wanted kids and to give his partner a family--it's his dream. But due to some kind of accident, (either medical or trauma) he can no longer get pregnant, or he can no longer stay pregnant. Knowing how important it is to him, his partner, J2, agrees to carry their babies, even though he's never really enjoyed his ability to get pregnant before this. The twist? J2 is actually the top in their relationship. So, while J1 is all protective and mother-henning and forcing J2 to take it easy when he's pregnant, he's still the submissive partner, and J2 is the one that's usually in control. Especially in the bedroom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Umm...so....the angst? Yeah, I have no idea where this is coming from. I just jumped on it. But trust me, I will get to the prompt.
> 
> Warnings: Bottom!Jared, mpreg!Jared, angst, miscarriage (eventual: mpreg!Jensen, bottom!Jensen, birth)  
> Rating: R  
> A/N: Mpreg just kind of exists in this world. So, that goes along with some men having internal reproductive systems that are similar to women. They are both VERY much men on the outside. Yeah...it is fiction, just go with it. LOL

From the moment Jensen met Jared, nothing had ever been simple.

Their instant friendship had been simple, but everything else was more complex than that, mostly because Jensen never factored in falling in love with Jared and falling in love was never simple.  It was simple to let yourself believe it but the factors and elements that made up a true and unbreakable love were multifaceted and entwined.  None of that was bad, but it also wasn’t simple.

Jared was larger than life and being with him amplified everything.  From the way that he smiled to how his hair fell into his eyes when he laughed, Jared was undisputedly the force that Jensen’s life gravitated towards.  It sparked a protective quality in Jensen, and as much as he opened his entire world to Jared, he simultaneously blanketed them both in something uniquely _theirs_. 

Jared was completely capable of taking care of himself, but he had a way of falling in line beside Jensen that oozed nothing but interdependence and they took to their lives together with a fluid evolution of the way they fit together as a couple.

Jensen’s not whole anymore without him.

So when he was shoved out of Jared’s hospital room without much explanation, he knew two things: he was fucking furious, and whatever was going on with his husband was more serious than anyone thought.

The seat across from him was empty, but it hadn’t been an hour ago.  Jared had stubbornly attached himself to it after Jensen literally dragged him to the hospital.

When Jensen closed his eyes, he could still see Jared’s face crumbling under an onslaught of emotion.

This wasn’t going to end well.

I hadn’t the previous five times.  After Jared’s first miscarriage, he was able to chalk it up to fate and knew they would bounce back.  It was virtually the same after the second.  But after the third, he couldn’t stop the nagging feeling in his head that maybe his reservations about having children were spot on.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want a family with Jared, because he did.  They had been together for years; they were more than ready to share their lives with a baby or two.  It was just that he knew _nothing_ about Jared was simple.  Getting pregnant wouldn’t be simple, and apparently staying pregnant wouldn’t be either.

He didn’t know how many times he could pick up the Jared shaped pieces and put them back together after encountering destroyed hopes and failed attempts at having a baby.  Still, Jared wanted a baby almost more than he wanted Jensen, he always had. 

When they met it became blatantly obvious that Jared wanted a family.  It didn’t bother Jensen then, and it certainly didn’t bother him now.  Only, now Jensen was worried about what would happen if they couldn’t grab onto their shared dream of starting a family.

Jared had to go and throw in his own complications to the mix.  He had been born with only one fallopian tube, but they had thought the other one worked fine.  It made timing a little unpredictable, but they figured getting pregnant was still in the realm of possibility. 

After the fourth miscarriage, Jared’s doctors took a more serious attitude towards what was going on.  After a laparoscopy, it was found that Jared’s one intact tube was a little ‘lazy’.  It wasn’t completely blocked but it wasn’t functioning the way it should, making the egg spend too much time in the fallopian tube and less time out in Jared’s uterus where it could be fertilized safely.

Unsurprisingly, the doctors told them the risks they would encounter in trying to get Jared pregnant were  a low chance of conceiving, an increase chance for miscarriage, and a staggeringly high chance for and ectopic pregnancy.

That was Jensen’s reason for trying to call off the whole “get Jared pregnant” plan.

But their “have babies plan” had been in full swing for so long that Jared refused to give it up.  He wanted babies, and he wanted to be the one to carry them.  Being told that he shouldn’t only fueled his determination more, which was why attempt five and six happened.  There was no talking him out of it.

And attempt six seemed to stick, a least for a little while.  They still hadn’t seen a doctor yet, but they knew Jared was definitely pregnant.

It seemed safe enough to believe that maybe Jared would _stay_ pregnant.

The trouble started while having dinner at Doug and Scott’s house.  Their friend’s one year old daughter, Emmy, had been running around squealing happily, and it was the first sign that maybe things inside Jared’s head were more serious than Jensen realized.  Jared wasn’t a jealous person by nature, which is why Jensen was blindsided when Jared’s eyes flashed with envy as he watched the little girl giggle and latch onto her father.  It faded as soon as it appeared, but now there was no denying that it was once there.  It was the first sign that not having kids was taking a huge toll on their lives.  When Jared put a spread out palm over his abdomen, Jensen hoped that whatever Jared was hovering above would squash all those negative and jealous thoughts because there would be no need for them anymore.

It only got worse.  Eventually, Jared couldn’t even sit at the table.  He ended up standing up and resting on his forearms while the rest of the men ate.  It immediately drew three sets of concerned eyes in his direction.  He brushed it off as being too antsy, having too much caffeine, and dealing with a cramp, but when Jared started making huffs of discomfort and screwing up his face in pain, Jensen knew it was more serious.

The rest was a blur.  There was blood and a frantic car ride to the hospital, but then Jared dug in his heels and refused to get examined.

He had screamed at anyone who tried to get near him, suddenly completely unreasonable where he had been so level headed before.  Jensen could still hear Jared accusing him of forcing him to accept medical care that he didn’t want.  His heart shattered when he remembered how Jared broke down in tears when he said he already knew what the doctors were going to tell him and he didn’t want to hear it.

Ultimately he tumbled into Jensen’s arms when the pain became too much and stopped fighting off the plethora of people who had been trying to help him.  There was too much blood and even Jared couldn’t starve off the inevitable any longer.

The doctor on call had barely assessed the situation when Jensen landed himself outside of the room.  They’d gone through five miscarriages but none of them had been like this one.  Jensen gave up fighting for the moment and let his head fall into his hands.  He thought he heard Jared crying, but it was only in his head and he couldn’t drown it out.

Eventually, someone broke him out of his trace to tell him what was going on.  He couldn’t find it in himself to focus on anything other than one fact.

Jared had suffered an ectopic pregnancy and the damage was so intense that they had to remove his one functioning fallopian tube.

It was, essentially, game over.

When he composed himself enough to see if Jared was still _Jared_ , his blood ran cold when he saw how pale his husband looked, even in the sterility of the room.  He didn’t know what he could say to fix the rawness of their newest wound.

It didn’t matter.  Jared had already shut down.

******************

Jensen watched Jared sleep through the weak morning light filtering in through the cracks in the window shades.  He didn’t normally spend his mornings looking over Jared, but the pitiful noises coming from Jared were enough reason to draw his attention.

Jared was having a nightmare.  Even in sleep his face was tense, eyes furrowed closed and fingers fisting the bed sheets.

“Hey, Jare?  Jared?”  Jensen nudged the man gently, keeping his face close to his husband’s and his voice calm.  “Jared, wake up, babe.”

Jared came crashing into wakefulness with a surprised gasp of air and a panicked blink.  Now that his eyes were open, it was easy to see that they were wet with tears.

“Shh, it’s okay.  You were having a nightmare.”  Jensen pulled his confused husband to his chest and pet his hair before entwining his fingers in the longer locks to keep them locked together.  “It’s okay, I got you.”  Even though Jared was larger than he was, they somehow fit together perfectly like that, Jared making himself smaller so that Jensen could curl around him protectively.

“Jen, I…”  Jared took a deep breath and buried himself in the crook of Jensen’s neck. “Ohh, god.”

“Was it bad?” 

Nodding into Jensen’s shoulder, Jared took an unsteady breath.  “Yeah, it was bad.  It was four weeks ago, all…over…again.”

“Ohh, Jay…”  Jensen knew better than to ask about the nightmare.  They had been the same since the night Jared lost any chance of getting pregnant on his own.  “I’m sorry, babe.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jared tensed in Jensen’s arms.

“Why are you sorry, Jared?  You don’t need to be sorry.”

“Of course I do.  It is my fucking fault.  I mean…it is my body’s fault, isn’t it?”  The tears lingering in his eyes made their way down to Jensen’s shoulder.

Jensen swallowed thickly, not sure what to say.  Technically, it was Jared’s body’s fault, but it _wasn’t_ Jared’s fault.  There was practically no one else alive who wanted to start a family as much as Jared did.  What happened to them – to their unborn children – could never be Jared’s fault.  He is saved from saying the wrong thing by Jared.

“Don’t tell me it wasn’t meant to be, because I think we’ve moved beyond that.  I get it.  It isn’t going to happen for us.  I lack all the import organs to prove it.”  There was hurt and an accepted form of anger in Jared’s voice.

“Jay, that isn’t…”

“No, it is.  It’s true,” Jared huffed out in surrender.  “And, so…yeah, I’m sorry.  Sorry I’m broken and everything…”

Jensen went rigid.  His hands released their hold on Jared and made their way to his husband’s face, cupping it on each side.  “No!  You’re not broken.  You’ll never be broken.  You’re _you_ and you’ll always be _you_ and that is who I fell in love with.  Don’t say you’re broken.  You’re not…you’re not broken.”  The pain in Jared’s voice and the appearance of new tears opened up a valve in Jensen and his own eyes dampened.  “Not broken.”  He pressed a gentle kiss to each of Jared’s closed eyes, tasting the saltiness there.

Jared let himself dissolve into a series of shuddering exhales, each one punctuated with a stifled sob.  They’d gone down this road before but it still hurt every time.  People told them it would get easier as time went on but it felt exactly the same: jagged and tender and unrelenting.  “You wanted a family…”

Jensen dropped a lingering kiss to Jared’s forehead, squeezing his own eyes shut to keep out the pain Jared was exuding.  “I still do.  With you.  Me and you Jay.”  He sighed.  “There are other ways, you know that.”

“Yeah, but…”  Jared let his unspoken words drop away and collapsed completely into Jensen’s arms, one hand covering his tear streaked face.

“But?”  Jensen pulled away Jared’s hand to keep his husband from hiding. 

“But…”  Jared sighed pathetically.  “I’m tired, the type of tired that sleep can’t fix.  I’m just…I’m _tired_.”

Jensen let out a sad exhale.  “Yeah, me too Jare.  But it’s going to be okay.”

Rolling his eyes up to meet Jensen’s, Jared blinked earnestly.  A shiver ran through his body and he tried to bury himself in everything that was his husband.  “Stay with me?”

“Not going anywhere.”  Jensen tightened his hold, giving soft, sad, and gentle kisses to Jared’s now tear saturated lips. “Never going anywhere.”

The room went quiet, making it easy to pretend that both men had fallen back to unconsciousness.  But they hadn’t.  They were suffocating under their inability to have a baby, their unborn children choking the life out of them.  They couldn’t talk, they could barely breath.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
>  AMAZING banner and betaing by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.

Jensen let his head fall back onto the sterile paper of the examination table.  He couldn’t believe he was doing what he is doing right now.  Just thinking about it made his whole body clench up and a feeling of ‘wrong’ wash over him.

“Jensen, relax for me.”

Jensen tried, muscles unclenching when he put his mind to it.  It was extremely hard not to think about what was going on between his spread legs when he _felt_ everything going on, and he had no idea who the thin paper sheet draped across his legs was fooling; everyone in the room knew exactly what was going on behind it.  He didn’t have to see it to know it.  Pressing both hands over his face, he sighed loudly.

“You’re tensing up again.”

“Sorry.”  Jensen made a greater effort of keeping his muscles loose.  The feeling of someone looking _inside_ of him didn’t hurt, but it did make him gasp in spite of his attempt to stay numb to it.  Yep, he definitely couldn’t believe he was doing this.

He snorted when Dr. Lerner pushed down on his lower abdomen, the pressure combined with his thoughts making him seven shades of uncomfortable.  There were several more searching pokes and prods before he felt everything withdraw and heard the shuffling of metal.

“Everything looks good.”  Dr. Lerner made a gesture indicating that Jensen could sit up now.  “You can remove your legs from the stirrups.  We’re done with that part.”

Jensen didn’t need to be told twice.  He swung his legs up and kept the paper sheet firmly in place; it was suddenly much more important now that no one in the room could see beneath it.  Licking his lips, he shifted his eyes uncomfortably around the room.

The doctor studied him in silence for a moment before narrowing his eyes at him.  “So, I have to admit, I am a little shocked you made this appointment.  I’ve been your doctor since,” he paused in thought and grabbed Jensen’s chart, making quick work of flipping through the contents, “ since you first came here ten years ago, but it’s never been for more than annual appointments and routine care.  Your next appointment shouldn’t be for another few months.  Why the urgency?”

“I…um…”  Jensen crossed his arms over his chest and looked at a poster of the internal male reproductive system.  He shivered, closing his eyes to figure out how he wanted to respond.  “I just wanted to make sure everything looked okay if I wanted to…to…maybe, I dunno… _wantedtogetpregnant_.”  The sentence fell out of his mouth in a jumble but was no less discomforting.  The word felt funny on his tongue and sounded even stranger when related to his own anatomy.

Dr. Lerner’s eye’s peaked in surprise.  “Come again?”

“If I,” Jensen stupidly pointed to himself, “wanted to have a baby…to get pregnant…does everything look okay?”

This time Dr. Lerner coughed into his fist.  “You?”  He studied Jensen and watched his unwavering seriousness stay put.  “Well, yes.  I mean, we’ve _never_ talked about the possibility before, so I’m just a little shocked by it now.  Forgive me.”  He fell into silence as he removed and disposed of his gloves.  “Are you trying to get pregnant?”

“Yes.  No.  I mean…not yet.  Maybe?”  Jensen shrugged, uncertain smile trying to mask his uneasiness.  “I don’t know.  I guess it depended on what you had to tell me.”

“You don’t seem too on board with this.”  The doctor rolled the stool he was sitting on closer to Jensen.  “As your doctor, I don’t know much about your life other than that you are married, have faithful unprotected sex with your husband, and that up until now were never considering carrying children.  No one is forcing you into this, are they?  Because if they are, there are people who can help.  I could prescribe birth control or…”

Eyes wide, Jensen put up a hand to stop the doctor from thinking the wrong thing.  “Oh, no!  God, no!  Nothing like that.”  Jensen shook his head.  He understood how he must look and how his reservations about discussing the topic must come off to his androcologist.  “I’m just not sure how I feel about it yet, that’s all.”

Not quite believing his patient yet, the doctor frowned.  “Are you sure?”

“Yes!  Absolutely.”  Jensen’s tone went somber.  “It’s just…well, recently, we found out my husband can’t carry children.  Its changed things…”  Averting his gaze, Jensen focused on the door and his desire to be walking through it.  “So, I just wanted to know if everything with me was still good before he and I discussed me getting pregnant.”  The word still made his lips tense.

“Oh.”  Suddenly believing his patient, Dr. Lerner patted Jensen on the knee, “I see.  I’m sorry to hear about your husband.”

“Thanks.”

“So, as to your question from earlier, everything looks great for you to try and get pregnant, provided that’s what you want.  Your body is ready.  I know you aren’t sure what you want to do just yet, and that’s a huge decision, one I don’t think you should take lightly.”

“Yeah, I know.  I don’t, _we_ – my husband and I – don’t.  I’m not jumping into anything.  I just wanted to know my options.”

“Good.  Glad to hear that.”  Dr. Lerner stood up and grabbed Jensen’s file.  “I can leave you some prescriptions for prenatal vitamins at the front desk, should you want them.  Taking them now would be a great idea, and they won’t harm you in any way should you decide not to get pregnant.  Better safe than sorry, yeah?”

“Yeah…uhh…okay.”  Jensen wasn’t quite sure how he felt about this whole process to begin with.  Pills and prescriptions made it a little too real and his stomach tied itself in knots.

Dr. Lerner gave a slight head nod and smiled.  “It was nice seeing you again, Jensen.  Take care of yourself.  And feel free to make another appointment, should you need one.”

The meaning behind those last words made Jensen shiver but he smiled back and offered a friendly goodbye.  Somehow knowing that he was still perfectly capable of carrying children hadn’t solved any issues in his head.  It only opened him up to more.  True, he needed to figure out what was going on with himself before he could even think about talking about it with Jared.  There was no way he could give Jared a taste of false hope again.

Still, he felt like he was cheating on Jared.  When he left Jared this morning, still half asleep and buried under the blankets, he didn’t correct his husband when he told Jensen to have a good day at work.  He let the lie work itself out while he kissed Jared’s bed-head and ducked out of the room.

Looking at his watch, he realized he couldn’t go home.  He was supposed to be working for another five hours.  With Jared on medical leave, there was a huge possibility that he was still milling around the house, there was an almost as huge a possibility that Jared was still shut up in their darkened bedroom in their bed.

He could go to work, maybe call in a few clients and explain that his schedule suddenly opened up.  There was always someone in need of a round of physical therapy, but he didn’t really feel like working on other people’s physical problems when his were weighing too heavily on his mind.

Instead, the poster he eyed earlier captured his attention. 

An appointment with his androcologist wasn’t going to aid his hesitance enough.  Neither was a bottle of prenatal vitamins.  He needed to call in recruits. 

********************

Jensen stood poised outside the door to Doug and Scott’s house.  He was about to knock when he heard a child’s high-pitched scream coming from inside.  It took him a moment to realize that the scream was actually coming from his ‘niece.’ Which meant one of two things: either Doug was killing her or he was changing her.  The laughter, when Jensen knew the latter was definitely the case, was a brief reprieve from the tension that drove him to visit his friends in the first place.  When he heard the crying subside, he let his fist fall in slight tappings on the door.  Almost as soon as he knocked, he regretted it, backtracking, thinking maybe he should have aborted this mission in the first place.  He wasn’t looking forward to where this conversation was going to lead.  His eyes quickly darted back to the door when he heard the sliding of the lock mechanism.  Doug, who was carrying a slightly miffed Emmy on his hip, greeted him with a smile.

“Doug.”  Jensen nodded his head.   “I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time.”  His eyes gazed over the two people in front of him.  Doug looked put together; Emmy, on the other hand, looked more disheveled than normal, wearing only a diaper, coral colored shirt, and lacy socks.  Her lower lip quivered  slightly and her cheeks were flushed.  The remnants of tears still lingered in the corner of her eyes.

“No, not at all.  Please come in.” Doug moved aside so that Jensen could pass him.  “Look, Emmy.  Uncle Jensen is here!”  He bounced his daughter in an attempt to get her to cheer up.  “I was just changing her.  She spilled milk all over the front of her outfit.” Doug eyed his moody daughter.

Jensen took a step into the house and waited for Doug to close the door.   Emmy looked over her father’s shoulder and stared at her uncle in search of pity.  “Ohh, you poor thing.  What did your daddy do to you?”  Jensen couldn’t help but laugh when he saw the state of his niece.  Her little face was fashioned into a grimace.  “She looks as if she’s asking me to save her.”  Jensen reached out to take his niece from his friend.

“Yeah, well, she puts up quite a fight about getting dressed.  I really wish she’d get over this phase.  She’s usually such a good baby.”  Doug handed his daughter over to Jensen with an exhausted sigh.  Emmy promptly grabbed onto his face and kissed him.

“Hi, sunshine.”  Jensen kissed Emmy’s head and bounced her on his hip.  “Why are you being such a crank pot today?”  Emmy answered by burying her head into Jensen’s neck, turning so she could keep giving him pouty puppy eyes.  Walking into the living room after Doug, Jensen sat down on one of the leather sofas.  He propped Emmy so that her legs were wrapped around his torso and not trapped under his back as he reclined against the couch.  Emmy held on tighter and latched onto Jensen’s chest, popping a thumb into her mouth.  Jensen caught Doug’s eye when he let out another small burst of laughter.  “She quite the drama queen.  You’re in trouble.”

Doug finally let his frustration from trying to change his daughter go.   He shook his head with a laugh.  “She just makes me feel like I’m the enemy, and all I’m trying to do is make sure she doesn’t get too cold or hot or uncomfortable.”  Doug stood up and walked over to Jensen.  “Do you want anything to drink?”

“Water.”  Jensen shook his head.  “No, beer, if you have any.”

Doug looked at his watch.  “Hmm, it’s one of those kinds of days?”

“Something like that.”  Jensen let his head fall back against the couch and rubbed his eyes with his free hand.

From the kitchen, Doug called out, “is that why you aren’t at work right now?  I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s always nice to see you.  But it is a bit of a surprise on a Wednesday afternoon.”

“Yeah…something like that.”  Jensen turned his gaze towards the kitchen and he heard the echoing sound of glasses dropping to the counter. “Emmy baby, will you let Uncle Jensen finish putting your outfit on?”  Emmy shook her head “no” against his neck and clung tighter to him.  “Ok, you win this time, but next time you won’t be so lucky.”  She huffed and continued to hide her face.  “Doug, she’s just as stubborn as you. What did you expect?”

Doug walked back from the kitchen with two glasses. He handed the beer to Jensen who responded with a nod. “Hey, I never hated getting dressed.” He raised an eyebrow at Jensen and took a seat opposite him on a chair. “So how’s Jared doing?”

“He’s doing better.  I got him to come out with me to dinner last night.  I mean, he’s getting better, but he isn’t _Jared_ , y’know?  The loss of the baby…it just...well, it hit him hard.  Doug, he barely leaves the house.  I get it, I do…but he can’t keep going on like this.  All the stress he’s been going through emotionally and physically - that’s going to kill us.”  The emotions hit Jensen too suddenly and too hard.  He bit his bottom lip, trying to avoid the subject for a brief moment.  He looked around the house, scanning the area. “Where’s Scott?”

“He’s still at work.” Doug looked at his watch, “He should be home soon.” The man took a sip of his water and watched the ice cubes swirl in the glass. “Why?”

Jensen fumbled over his words in an attempt to get back on a level -headed train of thought.  “No reason. I was just thinking your working situations ended up benefiting you.  I mean, it allows you to spend more time with Emmy.”  He looked down at Emmy who seemed to be nodding off to sleep.  Her eyes kept fluttering closed and then popping back open.

“Yeah, I suppose so.  Scott gets to make his own hours and I can do most of my work from home.  That also means I usually spend more time with Emmy.  I don’t know how it worked out that way, considering  Scott was the one to want a child.”  Doug got up and started to pick up some of Emmy’s toys littering the floor, depositing them into a small toy chest.

“You adore her, so drop the act.”  Jensen felt a slight nervousness at Doug’s words.  “Besides, Scott adores her just as much.”

“I do adore her.  She’s my life.  I was just stating the irony of the situation.”  Doug tossed a handful of colored wooden blocks into the chest.  “Besides, it worked out better this way, considering Scott’s extreme post-partum depression, and I don’t mind staying home with her.  But sometimes it makes me laugh when I think about it, it makes me feel so…’old’.”  Doug laughed as he pitched the last toy into the chest and walked back to his seat.

Jensen also let out a little laugh that had a small tint of nervousness in it.  The nervousness was ridiculous; Doug was one of his oldest friends.  They had graduated high school together.  Sure, they fell apart during some of their college years, but now married and conveniently living in the same city, Doug was the person he was closest to other than Jared.  He knew Doug well enough to know that whatever he threw at him, Doug wouldn’t laugh in his face.  “Doug, remember when I talked to you about having a child with Jared?”  Jensen locked eyes with the man in front of him.

“Well, you get right to the point.” Doug’s eyes widened a little bit at the sudden change in conversation.

“I’m blunt. It’s a gift.”

“Or a curse.”  Doug smiled.  “But back to the point. Of course I remember when we spoke about that.  God, you were freaking out, but I guess it was because…”  He sucked in his words, realizing he had inadvertently brought up the miscarriage again.

“Yeah, I was freaking out, but it was because I didn’t want anything to happen to Jared, and now it has, and I can’t help but think that maybe it’s my fault…you know?

“Not really.  Not following.”  Doug leaned forward and rested both elbows on his knees.

“I mean…I gave into him.  We both wanted babies but there were safer ways to do that.”  Jensen’s eyes flickered around the room.  He fidgeted slightly but tried not to jostle his sleeping niece.  “I’ve been with Jared for years, and I can’t put words to the happiness I’ve experienced with him.  You know that for a fact, Doug.  You saw it all happen, and I suppose that in the back of my mind I pictured maybe having kids or adopting children with Jared.  Before Jared, that fact never really stood out in my mind, and I pushed it aside.  I was convinced that _I_ wouldn’t have kids.”  He paused to make sure Doug was following.  “It wasn’t until recently, very recently, I was thinking about the fact that I really wanted a child.  Like, this last time, when Jared was pregnant, I found myself actually picturing the baby.  It’s the first time I let myself get that far, and then…when Jared miscarried…it hurt so much more because I wanted that so very badly.  It’s the paradox of wanting something you can’t have.”  Jensen hesitated, almost waiting for Doug to stop his speech.  Instead, Doug just leaned forward in his seat and rested his elbows on his knees.  “I mean, it’s not that I want a child just because I can’t have one with Jared.  It’s just been the focus of my existence lately.  I mean, I live, breathe, and dream Jared and taking care of him.  Right now, taking care of Jared entails dealing with losing a baby we very much wanted.”  He felt a tear start and tried to suck in a calming breath.  “It’s not fair and it fucking sucks.”  Jensen made a gesture with his hands that caused Emmy to let out a little whimper in her sleep.  He soothed the girl’s hair and was careful to not shift his left arm more than he had to. “This whole idea is putting Jared through the ringer.  He’s so conflicted because he sees his family members with their children and now he sees you and Scott with Emmy.  There’s a small amount of jealousy behind those eyes when he looks at you.  I feel so trapped because we hit this wall and I just don’t know what to do to satisfy both of us.”  Jensen finished his last sentence as a whisper and sighed.

“I know he’s jealous. I’m not blind, I can see behind the mask of his smile and pleasantries.  I know he isn’t trying to hurt our feelings.  I don’t blame him feeling that way.  It’s why Scott and I haven’t been coming around too much.  We figure we’ll meet him half way.  If he wants to see us, we’re here.”

“Yeah, I think talking to you reminds him of when he lost the last baby.”  Jensen ran his free hand through his hair.

“I can’t imagine what he’s going through.”

“I can’t either, but after five failed attempts and the last miscarriage, he’s in shambles. Doug, you weren’t at the hospital that night.  He looked so small and fragile.  Jared… Jared looked small and fragile.  Do you know how wrong that is?  You didn’t see the fire and resentment in his eyes.  He’s stronger than most people I know, but that night he was a child again.” Jensen’s voice hitched at the end of the sentence, his eyes clearly giving away his distress. “It’s like he’s given up home and I think…I almost did too.”

“Almost?” Doug raised an eyebrow at Jensen’s tone.  The mens’ eyes met and it was as if they both had a slight realization. “Holy shit!  You’re not thinking of….” Doug looked perplexed “are you?”

“Well…” Jensen bit the corner of his lip again. “I don’t know…” He looked down at the sleeping girl in his arms and felt her soft breath against his skin.  She looked so peaceful and innocent.  How could he not want to do everything in his power to have something like that in his own life?”

“What do you mean ‘I don’t know’? That’s not an answer.” Doug straightened his spine out and glared at his friend.

“I guess…” Jensen shook his head. He released a defeated sigh before clearing his throat.   Thinking things and saying them out loud were very different monsters.  He knew Doug had already caught onto his train of thought but he needed to show commitment to it by verbalizing it.  Doug was the only person outside of his family and Jared who knew Jensen had the ability to carry children.  He had let that fact slip out sometime during high school, and Doug had been nothing but supportive of his discomfort with the fact.  Being that Doug couldn’t carry children, he understood completely why Jensen was so self-conscious about his gender’s extra function.  “Yeah.”  He let out a frustrated sigh of laughter.  “Yeah, I’ve been thinking of carrying a child with Jared.”  As soon as the words fell out of his mouth, he felt as if he shouldn’t have said them.  They sounded awkward and more than embarrassing.  Jensen turned his head towards the wall while Doug sat in silence, pondering the realization he had just made.

“Have you told…?” Doug began but Jensen cut him off.

“No, I haven’t told Jared.”  Licking his lips, Jensen sighed.  “I know this concerns him too, but I just couldn’t say anything.  I couldn’t let him think I was on board with this and then decided that I most definitely am not.”

Seemingly surprised at the fact that Jared didn’t know, Doug’s voice peaked.  “Oh my god.  Jared…Jared’s going to freak out about this.  Dude, you tell him _everything_.”

The thought had never crossed Jensen’s mind.  He had only thought that Jared would be happy about this turn of events.  “Shit.”

They sat in silence for a while, not sure what part of the conversation to dive into first.  Jensen pinched the bridge of his nose.  “I feel like he’s going to be happy about this, but now I feel as if I’ve dug myself into a hole.  I have no idea if I… I don’t know the correct wording to use.  I’m tempted to say, ‘if I want to do this’, but then that sounds like I don’t want a child with Jared, which I do.  It’s just… I really don’t want to go through what Scott did, if you understand my meaning?”

Doug nodded at the obvious fact that Jensen was uncomfortable by the suggestion of being the pregnant one in the relationship. “Well, if you’re having second thoughts, I suggest you figure it out before you bring this up with Jared. Unfortunately, I can’t help you in that department.”

“No, it’s not second thoughts exactly.  It isn’t even first thoughts.  I have no idea what I’m thinking.  I just needed to get out of the house.  I needed to think about it.  I thought talking about it would help me figure out what I’m potentially going to be dealing with.”

Doug looked at the man holding his daughter.  His eyes softened and he smiled.  “You’re a natural with her, and she loves you.”  Doug knew there was no question as to Jensen being a good father.  He did question, however, the man’s emotional ability to handle carrying a child.  The fact that Jensen was so antsy just talking about it didn’t make for a good prediction.  “Jensen, I’ve known you for a long time.  We’re not kids any more.  We’ve both grown and figured out who we are in life.  You’re a terrific husband and I know you’ll be an amazing father, but if you’re asking me if I think you should carry a child, that’s not something I can answer.  It’s not my decision to make for you.  I do think that you’re too unsure of yourself to make that choice right now. “ 

Jensen nodded his head in understanding.  “Yeah, exactly.”

Doug continued, “I personally don’t think I would feel comfortable being in that position.  I would feel too invaded, too exposed to the world, but that’s just me.  You may feel differently.”

“That’s what I’m trying to find out.”  Jensen’s face took on a serious quality.  “To tell you the truth, I’m scared.  I’m scared shitless of what might happen if I go through with it, but I’m just as scared of not doing it and then regretting it.  I mean, how selfish am I that I can’t get over my hang-ups when Jared has gone through so much physical and emotional damage?  Am I a terrible husband for that?  I know Jared understands how I feel about being able to get pregnant, and he’s never once pressed the issue.  I feel embarrassed and scared all at the same time, and here I’m telling you about it.”

“I understand some of what you’re feeling in regards to regret.  I dealt with my fair share of that before Emmy was born.”  Doug reclined against the chair back.  “I wish I could help you more but I think you should really…” Interrupted by the sound of keys jangling in the door, Doug’s eyes returned to Jensen.  “I think you should talk to Scott.  I swear, I won’t mention it to him if you’re uncomfortable about the idea, but he knows much better what it’s like than I ever will.”

The door opened and Scott walked into the apartment carrying a paper bag in his left arm.  He was in typical workplace attire but his tie hung loosely around his neck.  “Hey baby, is Jensen here? I thought I saw his car.”  He placed the groceries on the counter before walking towards the living room.

 Before Scott entered, Jensen threw Doug a look granting permission to bring the subject up with Scott.

“Not so loud, Scott.  Emmy’s asleep.”  He pointed to Jensen and their sleeping daughter before Doug got up to welcome his husband home from work.  “Hi.”

Scott smiled and responded with a quick kiss before turning towards their guest.  “Hi, Jensen. I didn’t expect you.”  Scott walked over to the still seated man.  “I see Emmy chose you as a suitable bed?”  Scott smiled at his daughter’s sleeping form.

“It would appear that way.” Jensen laughed.  “Hi, Scott.”

“Stay right there, she looks so cute, I need to take a picture.”

“Oh, I don’t look cute too?”  Jensen grinned.

Making a scoffing noise in the back of his throat, Scott shook his head.  “You look fucking adorable.  Now don’t move.”  He jogged over to a drawer and pulled out a digital camera.  Doug rolled his eyes, but played along with Scott’s picture-taking craze.  He returned quickly enough and stood in front of Jensen. “Ok, smile!”  The flash went off, causing little dots to dance in Jensen’s vision.  Scott snapped two more photos before returning the camera to its original spot.  “So, how was she today, Doug?” Scott took a closer look at his daughter, “Is she wearing pants?”

Doug laughed, “Well, not exactly. I was changing her outfit and that’s about as far as I got.  Other than that, she was an angel.  How was work?”

“Tiring, but not bad.” He walked over to Jensen, “Here, let me take her. I’ll put her in her crib.”  Scott leaned down to scoop Emmy up.  The child whimpered a little but unconsciously clung to Scott’s body. “Hush, baby, Papa has you.”  Scott bounced the girl very slightly in his arms as he headed towards her room.   He mouthed ‘I’ll be right back’ to the two men still in the living room.

Jensen watched the slighter man disappear into the other room.  “You’re right. I should talk to him.” He stretched his body, which was stiff from holding Emmy in the same position for such an extended length of time.  The two men sat in silence waiting for Scott to return.  When he did, he took a seat next to Jensen on the couch.

“So, how’s Jared doing?” Scott stretched his arms over his head and yawned.

“He’s doing better.”  Jensen folded his hands over his lap.  “No, that’s not really true.  He’s hanging in there, though. I’ll tell him to give you a call.”

“Yeah, I was going to call him, but I know he’s been…well, depressed after the miscarriage.  It’ll take time but I know he’ll be alright.”

“I know.  Everyone keeps saying that.  I just…I’m waiting for it to happen.  I guess I’m trying to make that happen.” Jensen’s eyes widened to punctuate the statement. 

“Actually, that’s why Jensen came over here today,” Doug injected, causing both men to look at him.  “I told Jensen that you wouldn’t mind talking to him.” 

Scott gave his husband a puzzled look then turned to Jensen.  “About what…exactly do you want to talk to me about?”

Jensen tripped over his wording again.  He looked at the man sitting next to him and then at his lap. “Well, Doug suggested I talk to you, and….well…I…umm…”

Doug cut the man off, getting straight to the point. “Scott, he’s thinking about having a baby with Jared.  Like actually _having_ a baby, being the one to carry it.”

Jensen gave Doug a frustrated glare and Scott gave Jensen a surprised look.

“You can have babies?”  Scott asked, his eyes widening in surprise.

Jensen paused, shocked that Doug hadn’t told his own husband.  That form of loyalty made him feel better about his decision to come to his friends for advice.  “Umm, yeah…I….yeah, I can.  I got all the parts.  I don’t like them so much, but I have them.”

Scott laughed, but immediately decided that his actions were inappropriate and backtracked. “I’m sorry, but that one caught me a little bit off guard.”  Jensen shook his head and went to stand up but Scott pulled his arm back down.  “No listen, I’m sorry.  I just wasn’t ready for that type of comment.  I thought you were going to ask me about…I don’t know…something to cheer Jared up.”

“Well, in a way I am.”  Jensen sighed, “I suppose it does seem out of character for me to ask that question.” The nervous feeling in his gut made itself known again.

Standing, Doug saw the anxiety on Jensen’s face.  “Listen, I’m going to leave you two to talk.  Scott, I’m going for a run, I need to get some fresh air.”  In a series of swift movements, he pulled on his sneakers and kissed Scott on the top of his head.  “I’ll be back soon.”  He clasped Jensen on the shoulder reassuringly, nodded goodbye, and was gone before either man could say anything about it.

“So…” Jensen sighed and avoided Scott’s eyes.

Scott used a gentle approach to the subject when he was faced with Jensen’s almost tangible discomfort with the subject matter.  “So, what did you want to know?”

“I don’t know.” Jensen had five hundred thoughts going around in his mind and none of them felt like coming out of his mouth.

“I think you know exactly what you want to ask me.  Listen, whatever you say here can stay between us.  I promise.  I won’t tell Jared what we discussed, and I’ll tell you anything I can.”  Scott pulled one leg onto the couch and hugged it to his chest.  “We’re friends, Jensen.  I’m not going to judge you for being uncomfortable about this.  _This_ is a gigantic decision.”

“Thank you. I really appreciate this.  I’m sorry if I seem so out of my element; it’s just not something I’ve ever talked about, _ever._ ” He finally raised his eyes to meet Scott’s.  The younger man exuded unthreatening waves, easing some of the tension from Jensen’s body.  He’d known Scott for as long as Doug had, and he liked to think of him as a friend as well because he was more than just the spouse of his best friend.  “Can you really see me doing this?” Jensen paled at the thought.

Thinking for a second, Scott sucked in his bottom lip.  “Well, that depends.  On one hand, I can’t, because you seem so frigid about it.  I see you as a private person who doesn’t want to let too many people into his personal life.  I really don’t see you as someone who would be able to stand being vulnerable.  I’m not lying when I tell you that you’re going to have to accept your weaknesses and ask for help sometimes.”  

Jensen grimaced; Scott had hit the nail on the head.

Putting out a hand, Scott continued.  “But, on the other hand, I can see you getting pregnant, if only for your sheer love of Jared.   Which, by the way, isn’t a reason you should have a child, but I can see this influencing you; I know you’ll do anything for Jared.  Other than that, I know you’re a strong person and I can see you being able to handle the stresses of being pregnant.”  Scott sighed and then laughed when Jensen winced at his last word.

“How do you do that?” Jensen blinked at his friend. “How do you always cut to the chase so quickly?”

“Because I‘ve been there. Do you think I didn’t go through any of the things that you’re playing out in your mind?  Do you think I was looking forward to being pregnant?  I’m not talking about five months pregnant, I mean full-blown nine months pregnant and miserable.  That’s the scary part.  Do you think I liked having to depend on Doug for so much?  I know _exactly_ how you feel.”

“I guess that _is_ how I feel.  Mentally, I think I’d be fine, but physically…no offence, but I _don’t_ want to look like that.”

“None taken.  No one _wants_ to look like that.  All that ‘you look amazing’ stuff is bull shit.”  Scott laughed and tossed his head back, “No offence to you, either, but I can’t picture you being pregnant.” He let out another laugh. “You strike me as being way too masculine to look in any way normal.” Jensen found himself laughing now as well, because Scott was absolutely correct.  Scott pulled his other leg onto the couch. “There’s no denying that my features are more feminine in appearance than Doug’s, so I think it suited me more.”

“That’s true, but other than not wanting to deal with the physical aspect of being pregnant, I’m scared.  I was telling Doug that I’m scared of going through what you did.  I mean, your pregnancy with Emmy was difficult and I’m not very good at being helpless.  I’m scared of fucking up and I’m scared of being vulnerable.”

“I was scared too, but in my case I was already pregnant before all that fear hit me.  I don’t know why I was thinking everything would be sunshine and roses, but I’ll tell you this, and I’m sure almost any parent will tell you the same thing; it was worth _everything_.”  Scott’s face showed the truth in his words. He lifted up the bottom of his shirt revealing a flat stomach with a messy line of scar tissue from his cesarean and life-saving surgery.  It was much larger than it should have been, but given the circumstances of Emmy’s rapid delivery, it was understandable.  His thumb trailed over the pink flesh as he looked up at Jensen.  “Emmy was worth all of this, and believe me, I felt like I went through hell, but you forget the vanity and you forget your self-consciousness after a while.  As a result, I was blessed with my little angel face.”

“That looks quite painful, actually.” Jensen leaned closer to Scott’s stomach and then realizing his rudeness, backed away.  He knew Emmy had almost literally been ripped out of Scott’s middle during rapid- fire surgery to save both her and her father.  He also knew Emmy’s delivery wasn’t the norm; he knew he could deliver his child naturally, but that was a whole other freak-out session.

“It was, but like I said, it was worth it. Besides, I got back in shape pretty quickly,” he tapped his hard stomach, “with a little motivation and a lot of working out.”  Scott put his shirt back down and wrapped his hands around his middle.  “If you’re worried about the physical aspects of being pregnant, don’t.  I know you can handle that.”

Jensen smiled and fell back against the couch.  He felt slightly relieved. “Believe it or not, I actually do feel quite better. That’s what I was most worried about.  I just…” 

Scott cut him off. “Don’t make excuses.  Just think about it.  Jared will understand that, I’m sure of it.”  Scott got up. ”I’m sorry, I need something to drink.” As he started to walk towards the kitchen, he smirked when he noticed Jensen was following him.

“Would you do it all over again?” Jensen questioned, looking more like a confused student than a man.

“Even with all the troubles Doug and I had at that time?  Yeah, I’d do it all over again.  I don’t know if I would‘ve said that before Emmy was born, but that’s how I feel now.”

“No, I mean would you ever have another child?” Jensen asked, leaning on the counter.

“I…yeah, I suppose so, if the time were right and Doug and I were both in agreement.  Yeah, I would.”  Scott spun on his heels and lowered an eyebrow at Jensen.  “Why?”

“No reason, really.”  Jensen stood straight. “Okay, that was a blatant lie. Your answer, it just…I can’t explain it, but it puts things in perspective for me.”  Scott looked confused but pretended he understood anyway.  “Thanks for being so honest with me.  I know it’s rare for me to be this unsettled, so thanks for making it easy on me.”

“It’s not like I found the cure for a disease or anything, but you’re welcome all the same.  After all the things you and Jared have done for us, it’s the least I can do for you.  I just hope I helped you come to a decision or will help you come to one in the near future.”

“Yes, I think you have.” Jensen ran a hand through his hair. His head was swimming with thoughts.  He didn’t want to be rude but none of them dealt exclusively with Scott and Doug.  They dealt with a person far more important to him.  “I’m sorry to run but I think I have to have a conversation with Jared.”

“Yeah, I think you do.”  Scott smiled, putting one hand on his hip like he was expecting Jensen’s statement.

Jensen moved to shake Scott’s hand but the smaller man pulled him into a hug.  Jensen let himself fall awkwardly into it before giving Scott a quick squeeze.  “Thanks.  Truly.”

“No problem.  Tell Jared I said ‘hey.’” Scott opened the door for his friend.

“I will.  Maybe the three of you can come over for dinner soon, if he’s feeling up for it?”  Jensen waited for Scott’s nod before stepping outside.  “Take care.”  Jensen turned into the late afternoon air.  On his way back to his car, he saw Doug jogging back towards the apartment.  He gave him a wave and slid into the car.  As he started the engine, he still wasn’t sure of everything but he knew he was going to have to sit down with Jared.  This wasn’t his lone decision to make, but at least he felt more comfortable making it.  He made a sharp turn and the prenatal vitamins he picked up earlier tumbled to the floor, alerting Jensen to their presence.  He almost forgot he‘d picked them up, his mind working on autopilot after the appointment with Dr. Lerner.  They still made his stomach tense because they were a reminder of the possibility they held, but they were there.  He‘d picked them up, and that had to be a step, right?

 


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Chapter Warnings - Porn, bottom!Jared  
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> AMAZING banner and betaing by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.

Jensen walked into the house to the smell of herbs, onions and all things that made his mouth water.  He hadn’t realized how long it had been since he had a moment like this until he walked further into the house and the scents hit him harder.  Following his nose, he found Jared in the kitchen, finger popped in his mouth as a quick taste test.  He was barefoot, wearing a pair of sweatpants that were on verge of being too big and a t-shirt that was on the verge of being too small.  Looking at him caused a swell of emotion to rise in Jensen and his heart fluttered faster.

Jared caught wind of Jensen’s presence and turned to face him head on.  He smiled in a way Jensen hadn’t seen in a while, eyes curling up along with his lips.  “Hey, you’re home early.”

Jensen sucked in his lips, surveying the area and the tell tale signs of food preparation it contained.  “You’re-you’re in the kitchen.”

“Yeah.  I figured it had been too long since we actually had a decent dinner.  I felt like cooking, and so…well, I did.”  Jared gave a sideways smirk.

“You felt like cooking?”  Jensen’s head spun.  He’d barely seen Jared out of bed, much less the house.  It felt so _normal_ and _right;_ he was afraid the moment would break if he focused on that too much.

“Mmm hmm.  We didn’t have anything in the house, so I went grocery shopping.  I got us some nice pork chops and…”

“You went food shopping?”

Jared snorted.  “Jen, are you just going to keep repeating everything I’ve been saying?”

“No…I…”  Jensen scratched at the back of his neck before deciding to change the subject.  “It smells good.”

“Yeah?”  Giving a quick proud smile, Jared turned around to put a roasting pan of chopped potatoes in the oven.

Jensen body moved forward on its own accord.  The moment Jared had the oven door slammed shut, Jensen pressed his body up against the curve of Jared’s back.  His hands made a slow drag up Jared’s sides before hooking under his arms and tugging Jared snugly against his chest.  Burying his nose in the base of Jared’s hairline, Jensen kissed the back of Jared’s neck and gave him playful nudges with his chin.  “I missed you.”

Falling forward with the weight of Jensen’s body against his, Jared’s arms reaching out to brace himself against the kitchen cabinets.  “You just saw me a few hours ago.”  He hummed contently and tilted his head to the side so that Jensen could kiss along the line of his neck.

 “Tha’s not what I mean.”  Jensen exhaled deeply as he fitted himself more completely against Jared.  “I missed _you_.”  He punctuated the word ‘you’ with a soft sucking of Jared’s neck.  When Jared gasped, he increased the suction and splayed both palms over the solidity of his husband’s chest.  He could feel Jared’s heart speeding up under his left hand, inciting the familiar tug in his gut to _never let Jared go_.

Jared’s breath hitched.  “Jen, I…”

“Shh, just…can I just hold you like this for a minute?”  Jensen dropped his forehead to the area between Jared’s shoulder blades and kissed the exposed skin above the collar of his t-shirt.  Jared felt so real, so alive, under his weight.  Their breathing fell into line and it made Jensen’s stomach flutter.

Jared made a muffled moaning sound and rolled his hips back against Jensen’s.  With a little difficultly, he managed to spin himself so that he was facing his husband.  “I was going to say that maybe we could take this upstairs for a while.”  He licked his lips and looked up at Jensen with eyes that were more mischievous than the mock coyness Jared tried to exude.  “The food has to cook for over an hour…and…”

A swift kiss from Jensen cut him off.  Jensen had him in his hold, arms securely locked around his back as he pulled Jared in for a deeper kiss.  It was hesitant at first, both men not sure of how far the other was willing to take it.  Once Jared moaned and pressed into Jensen, however, they let all pretenses fall aside.  Jensen snaked a hand up Jared’s back and combed his fingers though his hair, curling them so that he could yank Jared in for a heated kiss.  “Oh, god, Jared…you…”  Jensen let out a hushed growl and jutted forward, trapping Jared between his body and the kitchen counter.  He licked into the inside of Jared’s mouth, searching for the connection they always shared.

Hooking both arms around Jensen’s neck, Jared gave up control of the kiss.  He followed Jensen’s lead with matching enthusiasm, opening up when Jensen pushed for it and letting out little pants of appreciation when Jensen needed to hear them.  Eventually, Jensen hoisted him onto the kitchen counter so that Jared could wrap his legs around Jensen’s body.  The change in position altered their height distance enough so that Jensen had to tilt his head up and Jared had to lean down to meet each other’s lips. 

The kissing became more intense.  Jensen sucked on Jared’s lower lip and his tongue before diving back into the kiss, finally surrounded by all things Jared.  He growled into Jared’s mouth, and when Jared’s hands came to cup his face and gently pull them apart, all he could do was stare at his husband with matching parted kiss swollen lips.

“Upstairs?”  Jared pressed their faces so close that they could feel each other’s breath.

Jensen answered with a possessive jerk around Jared’s waist, bringing the man back to the ground and flush against Jensen’s chest.  He kissed Jared’s smile, sweeping his tongue inside with quick teasing motions.  Though he wanted very much to say yes, to go a little feral and drag his husband up the stairs, he was too afraid that Jared was going to break.  Coming home to this was a surprise he didn’t expect.  He couldn’t risk losing it.  “Jare, you sure?”

Sucking in his lower lip, Jared took Jensen’s hand and coasted it own his body until it landed on his very obvious arousal.  “What do you think?”

Making a pitiful noise of want, Jensen gently curled his hand around Jared’s clothed length.  He was in the same state, his jeans much less forgiving of his hardening dick than Jared’s sweatpants.  “Me too.”

Jared pulled away enough to look Jensen in the eyes.  His voice went soft, eyes nervously bouncing around the room.  “Just…be gentle?  Okay?”

Nodding, Jensen filled in the blanks of the request on his own.  Sex had been off the table for a while; he would never risk hurting Jared more.  With one last kiss, he curled his hand around Jared’s and pulled him towards their bedroom.  Upon entering, he was greeted with another surprise.

The room was _clean_.  The bed was made.  The shades weren’t drawn.  He made a satisfied snort and tossed Jared onto the bed, quick tugging off the man’s sweats and happily finding him naked and leaking under them.  “Oh, Jay…”  His heart thudded, heavy and needy in his chest.  He would definitely be gentle, but that didn’t mean he could go slow.  It had been too long and he and Jared both needed this connection badly enough that slow wasn’t an option. 

He pulled his own shirt over his head before working on kicking off his jeans and boxer briefs.  Jared had slid backwards and up the bed, pulling his shirt off in the process.

Jensen looked down at his husband for a moment.  This wasn’t exactly what he planned on doing after returning from Doug and Scott’s; it was much better.  Talking could wait.  Getting on top of his husband couldn’t.  Giving a smirk, he crawled over Jared’s body with slow stalking movements, dragging out each slide of his knee or stretch of his arm.

Jared looked like he was about to say something but Jensen crashed into him, pressing their bodies together again and kissing with more urgency.

When he felt Jared rut up against him, Jensen groaned as their arousals collided and slid against each other like they knew one was dependent on the other.  His mind careened as bolts of energy from their connection raced through him.  Getting a tighter grip on Jared, he pulled away, out of breath and heart hammering, to stare at his husband.  “I love you.  You have no idea how much I love you.”  And sometimes that fact surprised Jensen too; sometimes he was hit so intensely with how much he loved his husband that it left him breathless and completely chained to Jared.

Jared’s eyes were hazy with lust when he shot an open mouthed smile back in return.  “Love you too, Jen.  You.  Only you.”  He reached up one hand to cup Jensen’s right cheek and rut against him without breaking eye contact.  “Missed you too.”

Jared’s taunting him with his hip’s movements and Jensen put a stop to it by wrapping both hands around Jared’s hipbones and holding him firmly.  This was not Jared’s show.  Not right now.  Jensen needed to have this.  With everything that has been running through his head all day, he needed to have control over this situation.

In a swift move, he flipped Jared onto his side so he could spoon up behind him.  Jensen nipped at the juncture of Jared’s lips and when he heard Jared’s breathe catch, he bit harder, pushing up so that his cock could tease the space between Jared’s ass cheeks.  He didn’t let go of Jared as he made an awkward reach for their nightstand drawer, pulling out lube and slicking his fingers with it.  Running a set of fingers slowly down Jared’s crack, he sighed.  Jared’s breath caught again in surprise when Jensen wasted no time teasing at his husband’s furled ring of muscle with one slippery digit.

Looking over his shoulder, Jared watched, eyes hooded.  He arched his ass backwards more, tipping the power scale and forcing the tip of Jensen’s finger inside.  A hiss left his mouth but it ended on a breathy wanton note, making Jensen’s dick twitch with anticipation.

After a few thrusts and when Jared’s exhales had converted completely to ones of pleasure, Jensen added a second finger in.  It took a few thrusts, but he eventually brushed up against Jared’s prostate and the man threw his head back to let out a deep moan.  Wanting to hear it again, he picked up a slow taunting rhythm, only brushing Jared’s prostate at timed intervals.  He smirked when he caught Jared’s movements and knew the man was touching himself, pumping his fist in time with Jensen’s fingers.

After lingering in their found mutual plain of pleasure, Jensen added a third finger, curling them and scissoring them until Jared was panting and moaning into the pillow.  He reached down with his free hand to swat Jared’s hand away from his arousal.  He replaced it with his own hand, wrapping it around Jared’s dick and running his thumb through the gathering of precome dripping from the tip.  The fact that he’d driven Jared to this state was unbelievably sexy and he’s overcome with the urgency to get inside his husband…right the fuck _now_.

Trying to figure out a movement of his hips that would allow him to arch into both Jensen’s hand and fingers, Jared groaned in frustration.  It was impossible to find something to satisfy both and he whined.  “Jensen…please…I….can’t…”

With a nod against Jared’s neck, Jensen pressed a kiss behind his ear.  “Yeah, Jay.  I gotta get inside you.”  Jensen removed his fingers and slicked up his own dick, pumping himself a few times to take the edge off.   Jared peeked over his shoulder again and Jensen was hit with how much he looked like _Jared_ but there was still something off about him, something raw and fragile.  “You’re okay, right?  Tell me you want me, that you want this.”

“I’m…”  Jared let out a deep breath.  “I’m good.  I’m… _I’m great_.  I want you, _need you_.”  He made a move to roll over onto his back but Jensen pushed him back onto his left side.

Jared’s reassurance was all he needed to hear.  He hooked an arm around Jared’s right thigh, lifting it up so he could nudge the head of his cock against Jared’s hole.  Pushing in slowly, he let Jared’s head fall back against his chest as he inched in with little thrusts.  His husband was still tight but the hot heat reminded Jensen that Jared was very much alive. 

A gasp left Jared’s mouth as he subconsciously entrance quivered around Jensen’s length.  But when Jensen bottomed out, balls flush against Jared’s thighs, he let out a loud groan of satisfaction.

Jensen’s face went tense as he bit his lip to pace himself.  Being fully inside Jared was almost too much but not nearly enough.  He breathed heavily against the back of Jared’s neck and clung to him as his hips started to move.  “Jay…”

“Come on Jen, show me you love me.”  Jared gasped when Jensen thrust in deeper just as he finished speaking.  His breathing became a series of gasps and pants.  In an effort to give Jensen better access, he pulled his right leg up to his chest, exposing himself more.

Picking up the pace, Jensen set a quick, thorough rhythm.  He stroked Jared’s length with the same pace he was thrusting into him.  It became hard to multitask but he found a way to drop kisses to Jared’s jaw and neck.  Nothing about his actions was rough or rushed, but they were fueled with a tender need to lose themselves in each other.

It didn’t take long before Jensen brushed up against Jared’s prostate while stroking his dick with just the right twist of his hand and Jared came with a shout of his husband’s name.  He almost sobbed out the words as the orgasm washed over him and left him a shuddering mess in Jensen’s arms.  He forgot how to breathe as ropes of come splattered across the freshly changed sheets.

Jensen was right behind him, chasing the man’s orgasm.  After a few more calculated thrusts, he succumbed to Jared’s constricting muscle and sounds of pleasure.  Squeezing his eyes shut, he coated Jared’s insides with his release, jutting in more forcefully as his arousal emptied itself.

It left them both panting and trying to come down from their high.  Jared whimpered when Jensen went to pull out, so Jensen stayed put for the time being, keeping the intimacy between them.  Still being fitted together was awkward but Jensen managed to curl himself around Jared and keep them as close as possible.

Eventually, discomfort overrode Jared’s desire to stay locked together and he shimmied away, hissing at the loss of Jensen’s fullness.  He settled on a sigh of contentment and tangled their fingers together when Jensen pulled him to his chest and kissed him softly.  They lay in silence while their heart rates dropped to a safer level.

Jensen wished they could stay wrapped up like this.  When they were like this, things were simple.  They had each other and the rest of the world didn’t matter.  Jared was a cool sweaty mess in his arms and Jensen didn’t feel like talking about anything complicated right now.  He didn’t feel like talking at all.

Except, Jared clearly did.  It may have been unintentional, but Jared’s next move made everything more complicated than basking in the afterglow with the person you loved most in the world.

Jared nuzzled into Jensen’s neck, eyelashes tickling at the sensitive skin there, as he spoke in a whisper.  “So, how was work?”

Jensen froze.  He could lie.  That would have been simpler.  It was totally believable.  The words that came out of his mouth, however, were anything but.  “I didn’t go to work.”

“You…wha?”  Jared didn’t pull away but Jensen could tell he was scrunching his nose in confusion.  He could hear it in his voice.

“I went to the doctor.”

“What?  You did?”  Jared pulled away this time, face full of concern and completely annihilating the peaceful mood they had been lingering in.  “Jen, why did you need a doctor?  Are you okay?”

Guilt flooded every part of Jensen’s being when he saw the look on Jared’s face.  “Yeah.  I’m fine.”  He grabbed Jared’s hand and pressed it against his heart.  “I’m fine.  I’m sorry to worry you.”

“Why did you go to the doctor then?”

“I…”  Jensen pushed himself into a sitting position.  “I went to the androcologist.”

Jared’s mouth moved but nothing came out at first.  “Huh?  The androcologist?  What?  Why?”

Taking a deep breath, Jensen knew he had to just bite the bullet.  He kept telling himself that this conversation had to be like pulling off a bandage, it was better to be quick and have it done with.  “I wanted to get checked out.  I wanted to see if everything with my,” he made a vague gesture to his lower abdomen, “ _parts_ was okay.”

“Uhh huh…”  Jared narrowed one eyebrow, not quite following his husband’s thoughts.

“Yeah, because…well…I was thinking that...”  Things were getting jumbled in Jensen’s head and he didn’t know where to start.  There were too many ways to start this conversation but none of them seemed to come to his mind at the moment.  “You know I can get pregnant.”

“Yeah, you _can_ , but…”

“So, I wanted to get checked out to make sure everything was okay with that because…”  Jensen shrugged and folded his hands in his lap.  “I want a family with you.  We talked about having lots of babies together and I know you want that.  I know how hard the last year has been on you.  And so…I thought maybe we could try getting _me_ pregnant.”

Jared swallowed thickly and blinked wide eyes at his husband.  “Excuse me?”

“I want babies with you, our babies.  And I can do that for us, if that is what you want.  I would do that for us.”

In silence, Jared continued to stare at Jensen.  His face shifted from concerned, to confused, to conflicted and Jensen had no idea what to make of it.

“Jay, say something.”  Jensen reached out for Jared but the man backed away.  There was an apology in Jared’s eyes but he moved out of reach anyway.  “Jay?”  Jensen hadn’t known what to expect when he told Jared of his plan but it certainly wasn’t this.

“You…”  Jared pulled away like a wounded animal, backing out of the bed and getting unsteadily to his feet.  “I’m sorry, Jen…I’m…”  He put a hand to his mouth, eyes still impossibly wide and blinking wetly.

“Jared, I…”  Jensen made a movement to get out of bed but it only sent Jared scurrying further away.

“No, Jensen, no.”  Jared put up a hand and backed away.  “Please, not now.  Please.”

Stilling his movements, Jensen tried to figure out what to do next.  Jared was staring at him like an open wound and he wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong.  He gave a defeated sigh and licked his lips.

Shaking his head, Jared closed his eyes, squeezing them closed tightly as several tears slipped out.  “You just…you decided that…and you went…on your own?”  Spinning on his heels, he retreated to their bathroom, slamming the door and cutting off the connection between the two of them.

Jensen wanted to follow but he heard the sound of water running and didn’t know if bursting into the bathroom would drive Jared even further away.  Instead, he sat on the bed trying to figure out what had just happened.  Deep in his thoughts, he lost track of time.  Eventually, he heard the water shut off but the bathroom filled with the sounds of Jared’s cries, the closed door doing little to hold them in.  They were loud enough that Jensen couldn’t sit by and give Jared his space, even if that was what his husband needed.

He tugged on Jared’s sweats and made his way to the bathroom.  Turning the knob, he was almost surprised that it wasn’t locked.  It turned easily in his hand and he stepped into the room.  The air was hot and humid from the shower Jared had just ran and it took him a moment to adjust to it before he found Jared wrapped haphazardly in a robe, sitting on the lidded toilet.  He was crying into his palms, dripping hair falling into his face and adding water droplets to his tear streaked cheeks.

Heart hitching and stomach dropping out, Jensen slowly made his way forward.  When he reached Jared, he fell to his knees and grabbed the man’s forearms with each of his hands.  Jared’s didn’t fight him when he made a move to pull his husband’s hands away from his face.  “Jay, baby…”

Jared looked up at Jensen, eyes wet and aching.  There was no anger behind them but Jensen had no idea what to do to make things better.  Jared’s whole body shuddered when he let out a particularly violent sob.

“Jared, talk to me.  Please?  I didn’t mean to upset you.”  Letting go of Jared’s forearms, Jensen cupped Jared’s face and ran a thumbs under his tear filled eyes.

Jared’s words came tumbling out of his mouth, garbled by sobs and tears.  “That was supposed to be my job.”

“What, baby?  What was your job?”  On his knees, Jensen shuffled forward, fitting himself between Jared’s thighs so he could get closer.

Anger and frustration floated to the top of Jared’s emotions, bursting out with so much force that Jensen almost flinched.  “I was supposed to get pregnant!  I was supposed to have our babies!  I was supposed to do that for us.  That is what I always thought I would do.”  He sobbed and wiped at his nose with the back of his hand. 

“Oh, Jare…”  Jensen pulled Jared against him, heart breaking more with how easily Jared collapsed into his arms.  “I’m not trying to take that away from you.”

Whatever Jared said was too muffled by sobs and the fact that he was buried in Jensen’s neck to be understood by Jensen.  Tears fell onto Jensen’s shoulder as they wracked through Jared’s body.

Jensen held him tighter, pulling him completely into his arms.  “Shh, Jare.  It’s okay.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you feel like that.”

Jared shuddered.  “I feel so empty, Jensen.  And then you tell me… _that_ …and I can’t help but feel more useless.”  He sucked in a breath.  “I was supposed to give you babies.  We talked about that.  And now…now I can’t give you anything.”

“Hey!  That’s not true.  You give me everything I need.”  Jensen fell back onto his heels and took Jared with him.  “And you can still give me babies, just….in a different way than we planned.” 

The words hit Jared and he sobbed louder.  He clutched onto his husband, body language completely destroyed and shut down.  “It’s just…it’s like a piece of me is dead.”

The words twisted the knife in Jensen’s heart and he tensed.  Petting at Jared’s wet hair and rocking him slightly, he shushed in his ear.  “You’re not dead.  You’re alive.  What we had, in there,” he nodded towards the bedroom with his head, “we are very much alive.  Just because things are working out differently than we planned doesn’t mean you are dead.  You are just different.  And that’s okay.  We’re okay.”  Jensen felt a new shudder run through Jared and kissed his temple.  “It’s okay.  Let it out.”

And Jared did.  He collapsed into big ugly sobs, raw and hurting.  He choked on his breath several times and let out cries that echoed in the small room before things started to subside.  Still shivering, he pulled away to look at Jensen.  “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be.  It’s okay.”

“I’m still sorry.  I love you and you’re amazing and I’m…”

Jensen pressed a hand to Jared’s lips.  “If you say broken, then you are an idiot.  If you can’t see how amazing you are, if you don’t know how much I love you, how much I would do for you, then you don’t love me.”

Jared swallowed his words and nodded.  “I know.  I do know that.  It’s just…sometimes I feel crazy.  And I…”  Jared ran a hand though his hair.  “You want to have a baby for us?”

“I was thinking about it.”  Sighing, Jensen held Jared’s chin between his thumb and pointer finger.  “Kinda wanted to talk to you about it first.”

“You ‘kinda’ didn’t, though.  I mean, today you…”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Huh.”  Jared sucked in a wet sob.  “You’d really do that?”

“I’d do anything for us, for you.”  Licking his lips nervously, Jensen locked eyes with Jared.  “A little nervous about doing _this_ though.  Talked to Doug and Scott about it.  Really wanted to talk to you about it.  _Need_ to talk to you about it.”

Jared pulled back in thought.  “I love you.”  He lurched forward and wrapped both arms around Jensen’s neck, pulling him into a tight hug.  “Can we maybe, I dunno, talk about it later?  I can’t…right now…can’t.”

“Yeah, baby.  Later.”  Jensen clutched Jared to him, letting the man wrap his body around him.  “Later is good.”  He inhaled Jared’s freshly washed hair.  “You think maybe you want to get off the floor?  Wash away those tears?  Come down and have dinner?”

“Ohh, shit!  Dinner!”  Jared pulled upright.

“Hey it’s probably okay.  I don’t mind if it’s a little well done.  And if it is, take out works for me.”  Jensen stood up and offered Jared a hand.  “It doesn’t matter.  As long as you eat with me.”

Jared gave a weak smile and collapsed into Jensen’s side.  Whatever was going on behind his eyes wasn’t through with him yet but Jared seemed on his way towards battling it out.

An exhausted sigh left Jensen’s mouth.  The day hadn’t been short on things that tried his emotional stamina.

Thankfully, dinner wasn’t ruined and they fell into a peaceful routine of setting the table and serving their meal.

They sat at the dining room table with _real_ plates and _real_ cutlery and drinks that didn’t come out of a can.  There were no take out containers or condiments in little plastic packages.

It was nice.

In the end, they were too exhausted to clean up.  They fell into bed, wrapping around each other before letting the weariness of the day pull them into sleep.

It was comfortable until Jensen felt a tugging of his arm and Jared’s hot breath in the shell of his ear.

“Jen?  Jensen?”

Jensen’s eyes fluttered open with a groan and he tried to figure out why he was awake while the room was still pitch black.  Their bedside clock read 2AM and there was no reason to be awake.  Still, Jared was still tugging at his arm.   “Jare?  You okay?”  In the dark he could make out the life in Jared’s eyes.

“Did you mean what you said earlier?”

“What?”  Jensen stretched, mind trying to pinpoint Jared’s question.

“About having a baby.  Did you mean that?”

The question was much too serious for his sleepy mind to handle.  Yawning, he rolled on his side to face Jared completely.  “I’m thinking about it.  Very seriously thinking about it.”

“But you…”  Jared wrinkled his nose.  “For as long as I’ve know you, you have always pretended that part of you didn’t exist.  I never wanted to push it.  I never wanted you to be forced to deal with it.  And…having a baby is pretty much being slapped in the face with it.  I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t want to do just because you think it would make me happy.”  Jared curled a hand around Jensen’s hip.  “Making you do something you don’t want to could _never_ make me happy.”

“I know Jay.  It’s why I wanted to figure some things out before I brought it up with you.  I wasn’t trying to hide it from you or make it seem like I was taking things out of your hands.  I can’t do this without you, without your support.”

Jared hummed.  “You really talked to Doug and Scott?”

Jensen felt a blush spread on his cheeks and was thankful the room was dark.  “Well, yeah.  I mean, Doug knows me almost as well as you.  Plus, they kind of have a one up on us.  They have Emmy.  So…yeah.”

“And what did they say?”

“They said I had to talk to you.”

Jared wiggled closer.  “Smart men.”

Jensen laughed softly.  “Yeah.  They also said that I’d be a good dad.”

“You will be.”  Jared gave a sad smile, his fingers twitching around Jensen’s hipbone.

“And they said they can’t picture me getting pregnant if I am this uncertain about it.”  Jensen sucked in a breath in wait for Jared’s response.

Jared’s voice came out level and calm, “you’re that uncertain?”

“I…”  Jensen tensed.  “Yeah.  I am.  It’s fucking unsettling Jared.  I’m not saying it isn’t going to happen.  I am just saying that I need to think about it and get used to the idea.  I mean, it is more than uncomfortable.  It is terrifying.  It makes me feel like I am going to throw up just thinking about it.”

Jared crawled his hand so that is hovered over Jensen’s heart.  "Jensen, you don't have to if you don't want to."

Jensen pressed a finger to Jared's lips, "I know."  He grabbed Jared's hand.  "I was trying to figure out what it would be like for me, for us, if I got pregnant.  When I was at Doug and Scott’s I had Emmy in my arms and she fell asleep against my chest.  She looked so sweet and perfect.  Just holding onto her made this weird feeling stir in my gut.  I want what they have.  I know it is not easy, but Doug and Scott…they are so happy with Emmy.  I want that for you and me.”  Jensen caught Jared's eyes, and held their gaze. "After that whole ordeal, I realized I would care even more for my own child and that is worth being a little uncomfortable and coming to terms with being pregnant.  So, yeah…I think I want to do that.  I just don’t want to jump into anything.”  Jensen snorted self-consciously at his reservation.

“I’m in if you’re in.”  Jared pressed forward and dropped a quick kiss to Jensen’s lips.  “But only if you are all in.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmm hmm.  And if you’re not, it’s okay.”

“I’d give you anything, Jare.  You know I would.”  Jensen brought his own hand to rest on Jared’s hip as they stared at each other in the darkness.

“I know.  But…how about we think about it?  Maybe for a few weeks?  And if you still want to, then we’ll know.  And if you don’t want to, then it’s okay.”  Jared gave Jensen another soft kiss.  “I love you for this either way.”

“Love you too” Jensen pulled Jared against him so that his husband’s head was resting on his chest.  He still had no idea what he was going to do, but right now he was leaning very much towards getting pregnant and that realization was frightening.  With Jared finally smiling, truly smiling, against his chest, he couldn’t understand how something so frightening could feel anything but at the current moment.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rating: NC-17  
> Warnings: Porn, bottom!Jared  
> Notes: Sorry for all the porn (or not) but I think it was kind of needed on Jensen's part. Next time there will (shockingly) be more porn, but with bottom!Jensen. And maybe Jensen will stop being so dramatic...or not.  
> Also - Sorry for the delay in chapter posting. Life is really kind of wonky sometimes. XOXO
> 
> [ ](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)

The moment Jensen swallowed the pills, he realized that he had been doing so for exactly two weeks.  The first time he took a cocktail of folic acid and prenatal vitamins he hadn’t given the action a second thought.  He just did it.  He didn’t think about why or what it meant; he just did it.

He didn’t tell Jared.  But he didn’t _not_ tell Jared.  He left the pills out on the kitchen counter.

After the first time, he continued to take the pills everyday without fail.

As much as he didn’t feel comfortable being pregnant, his subconscious didn’t feel like missing a day of taking vitamins.  That fact knocked the breath out of him.

He fell into a chair at the kitchen table; the pills’ tastes still fresh in his mouth.  He couldn’t escape the choice that he seemed to have made subliminally.

He was having a baby.

Well, he was having a baby if Jared was having a baby.

They had promised they would think about their new plan to have a baby for a few weeks, however, they hadn’t talked about it.  They danced around it with unspoken words and prolonged looks, but neither of them took the plunge and actually brought up the subject again.  It wasn’t because Jensen wasn’t thinking about it.  Most of Jensen’s thoughts were consumed with it, so much that he’d accidentally called one of his patients ‘baby’ and slipped up in calling the pedal exerciser ‘pregnant exerciser’.

There was also no doubt that Jared was thinking about it as well.  Jensen could tell by the man’s occasional deep sigh or faraway look.

Jensen let his head fall into his hands, taking several calming breaths before pulling upright.  He needed to talk to Jared – actually _talk_ to Jared.  First, however, he had a phone call to make.

***********

After returning from his impromptu visit to Dr. Lerner’s office, Jensen’s stomach was tied in so many knots that it actually hurt.

He knew he should be getting out of the car.  Sitting in it while idling in his driveway surely wasn’t going to do him any good.  Staying in the car wasn’t going to protect him from the decision he made hours ago.  Truthful, he didn’t feel like he needed protection, but he was fucking scared of the world he’d just given his mind free reign of.

The afternoon felt like a blur.  He wasn’t sure how he had ended up in Dr. Lerner’s office, it seemed like his body got him there all on his own.  Somewhere along the line his brain had held onto what Dr. Lerner had said to him during their last appointment.  He knew the doctor’s offer to help Jensen formulate a plan of attack for getting pregnant was a genuine one.

While Jensen already knew his body was perfectly capable of getting pregnant, there was no way he was going to leave anything up to chance.  He was _not_ going to get Jared’s hopes up only to have them shatter if they hit a snag.  Talking to the doctor – to anyone – about getting pregnant made him skittish and uncomfortable, but it was nothing he wouldn’t put himself through for his husband.

If they were doing this, then he was doing it right.

Dr. Lerner had told him to stop by again but he looked completely shocked when Jensen ended up in his waiting room.

Jensen was starting to think that everyone expected him to bow out of the idea of carrying a baby.  If anything, that made him more determined to prove them wrong.  At least, he hoped he could prove them wrong.  Twenty minutes into his meeting with the doctor and he was starting to get dizzy after so many dumbed down explanations of when and what was the best way to get pregnant.  He wasn’t stupid; he knew his biology, as much as he hated it.  Still, pictures and diagrams made it too real and he hadn’t been prepared to realistically think of things growing inside of him.

So, the car seemed like a safer place than the doctor’s office or facing Jared and not knowing what words were going to come out of his mouth.

He was armed with ovulation kits, calendars, and a whole bunch of reading material that burned a hole in his mind when he thought about them.  He’d seriously never put too much thought into getting pregnant.  In his mind, unprotected sex was the only ingredient needed for a baby.  After actually saying that out loud to the doctor, Jensen realized how absolutely grade school it sounded.  Talking about schedules, optimal time for fertilization and how often to try made Jensen’s head spin.  He’d never known there was so much thought that went into it.

Planning sex?  That just seemed silly.

He and Jared had never done that before.  But then again, getting Jared pregnant had never been the problem; it was keeping him pregnant that was slowly destroying Jared’s spirit.  The thought was a lead weight in Jensen’s gut and he knew he needed to go inside.

Jared was inside.  Jared was enough to make Jensen’s world stop spinning.  He was enough to make the fear and anxieties of the visit with Dr. Lerner peel away and whittle down to the reason why Jensen was doing all this in the first place.

Sighing, he surrendered to the inevitable and slowly got out of the car.  Grabbing the bag containing the ‘torturous’ materials from Dr. Lerner and taking deep breaths, he made his way towards their front door.  After a brief battle with his keys, Jensen successfully entered the house.  Dropping his keys onto the small end-table in the living room, his eyes scanned the house for Jared.  The house was quiet, the unnerving kind of quiet that made him flash back to the weeks after the miscarriage when Jared was an almost lifeless heap in the middle of the bed.  After briskly walking through several of the ground level rooms, he paused at the stairwell. “Jared, you home?” He yelled up the stairs, unsure if the man had gone out. “Jare?” Jensen popped his head into the kitchen, sniffing out something tasty, before hearing his husband’s voice.

“I’m in the upstairs office. I’ll be down in a minute or two.”  Jared’s voice floated down the stairs and made Jensen smile.   It was good to hear a warm tone to his husband’s voice again.  It was also good to smell dinner cooking.  It was the first sign of life in their house, the first sign that they were rising from the dead.

“Don’t worry, I’m coming up.” Jensen quickly climbed the stairs and cleared the distance to the office where Jared did most of his business.

It was convenient that Jared could and did work from home, and Jensen respected that.  He rarely went into Jared’s work space.  After all, half the time it wouldn’t be appropriate. 

When he’d met Jared, their professions seemed to be too much of a cliché for either of them to believe their odds of actually falling for each other.  It had been almost _too_ perfect.  But when Jared started working per diem as a massage therapist at the physical rehabilitation facility where Jensen worked as a physical therapist, it was like fate had not so gently pushed them together.

The first time they met, the personnel manager had accidentally put Jared in the room where Jensen usually worked with his clients.  After Jensen walked in on Jared mid massage with his own patient, he’d always been a little cautious of going into Jared’s home office for fear of a repeat performance.

Yet, as embarrassing as that incident had been, particularly for Jared’s undressed client, something clicked between Jared and Jensen and they both stood there staring at each other until Jared’s client not so politely asked Jensen to leave.

It didn’t take long for Jensen to fall in love with Jared, but no matter how much time passed, he never entered a room without knocking, again.  This was especially true after Jared decided to practice from home and see all his clients in the comfort of their own house.  Jensen was okay with having strangers in their house for professional reasons; he just wanted to make sure there was a very solid door between him and them.

When he reached the office, the door is already wide open.  Jared hasn’t seen clients for weeks.  No one blamed him; people knew Jared wasn’t strong enough to deal with some things after his operation.  Taking a deep breath, Jensen stood in the doorway, leaning casually against it as he looked at the man sitting at the desk.  Jared was dressed in worn soft jeans and Jensen’s David Bowie t-shirt.  Technically, it is Jensen’s, but Jared wore it so often that sometimes he didn’t remember who it belonged to.  Jared was barefoot with rumpled hair, like he didn’t bother with it since he wasn’t leaving the house.  He had on a pair of darkly framed glasses and Jensen’s heart ‘thump-thumped’.  Whatever Jensen was going to say or how he planned on starting this conversation flew out the window. 

The combination of _everything_ Jared at the current moment was lethal.  Jensen knew there was no way he could argue with his husband, even if he planned on doing it.  He’d roll over.  Surrender.  Jared wins.

The glasses were a secret weapon Jared didn’t know he had in his arsenal and Jensen shook his head at the realization that he was definitely having a baby.  He couldn’t possibly look at Jared and think otherwise.

His adrenaline spiked because he finally knew exactly how his end of this conversation was going to go.  It’s why he shook slightly when he entered the room and kissed the man on the head, “Hi.”

Without taking his eyes off the computer in front of him, Jared smiled and responded, “I’ll be done in two minutes.”  He furrowed his brow as he worked and Jensen was glad his husband was too focused on other things to take notice of his nervousness.

Taking a seat on one of the chairs furnishing the room, Jensen leaned his head against the backrest, trying to allow his twisted stomach to uncoil as he listened to the clinking of Jared’s keyboard.  Technically, he knew how his end of the conversation would go but not his husband’s.  Jared was too unpredictable as of late to even change a guess.  He’d prepared himself for slamming doors and tears but he was hoping for something on a lesser scale.

“Okay, I’m done.” Jared pivoted in his chair so that he faced the older man. “What’s wrong?” Removing his glasses, he stored them in the case on his desk.

“Nothing is wrong.” Jensen crossed his hands over his lap and sat quietly.

Jared snorted and gave him a once over.  “ _Something’s_ wrong.   You’re nervous and uncomfortable and you’re doing that interlace your fingers thing so you can’t scratch at the back of your head.”  Jared stood and walked to his husband.  “Tell me what is wrong.” He raised an eyebrow before kneeling beside Jensen, prying his hands apart and sneaking his fingers in-between to feel the cold sweat starting there.

“Nothing is wrong.  I _am_ nervous and uncomfortable, but nothing’s wrong.” Jensen smiled as he looked at the man kneeling next to him.  He leaned forward to kiss his exposed stretch of neck but Jared pulled back.

They stared at each other for a moment before Jared’s brain kicked in and connected the dots between their lives and what could set Jensen so on edge.  “So…the nervousness…”

“Yeah…so…”  Jensen licked his lips.

Jared cocked his head to the side and tried to study his husband.  His eyes fell on the bag Jensen had dropped to the floor after taking a seat.  “What’s in the bag?”

Voice sounding far away, Jensen’s fixed his sight on the ceiling. “A lot of things.”

Jared reached out, fingertips flitting with the bag’s opening before Jensen grabbed his wrist and tugged him away.  “Hey, Jen!  Wha?”

“We need to talk.”

“O-okay.”  Swallowing, Jared snapped his gaze back to Jensen’s.

“No, I mean like, talk _talk_. Like, talk about a few weeks ago.”

Falling back onto his heels, realization set in across Jared’s face but the rest stayed unreadable.  “Ohh…that talk.”

“Yeah, _that_ talk.”  Jensen was about to say something but suddenly a burst of babble exploded out of Jared’s mouth and it sent his mind careening in an attempt to figure it out.  “Woah, Jay, slow down.”

Jared let out a wavering breath before starting again, his pace only slightly more focused.  “Is this the part where you tell me you didn’t mean what you said two weeks ago?  Because, if it is…I mean…that’s okay.  I told you it was okay, so it has to be okay.  Right?  So it’s okay.  Because if you’re having second thoughts, I just want you to know that I won’t push you into this. Having a child is a big decision to make and if you want…” Jensen pushed a finger to the man’s lips.

“Stop.”  Jensen fell to the floor beside Jared, sitting awkwardly on folded legs.  “Stop, Jay.  I know.  I know all of that.  I know you.  _I know you_.  I know you are trying to be supportive and sweet by saying all those things but I know it would crush you if I rescinded that offer.” Jensen let out a huff of air, “which I am not doing, by the way.”

Jared straightened his spine and looked at his husband, uncertain of what to say.  His lips twitched into a nervous smile and without the need to rattle off self defeating predictions, his mouth fell silent.

“But we do need to talk, Jare.  We need to talk about it.  I need to know where you stand on this and you need to know where I stand.”

“Okay….so…you’re not taking the offer back?”

“No, it’s still on the table as long as you want it to be.”

Jared wrapped an arm around the man’s neck. “You’re sure?”

“I…I’ve been taking the pills Jared.  Every day.  I’m sure.”

Running a nervous hand though his hair, Jared looked shocked by the admittance.  “Every day?”

Responding with a nod, Jensen wet his lips and swallowed.  “For over two weeks.  I just kept doing it.  I thought we would eventually talk about it, but then you kept skirting the conversation and….well…now we have to talk about it.”

“I know.  You’re right.”  Jared let out a long breath, sucked at his teeth for a moment, and then spoke with an uncertain voice.  “You’re right.  I just…I didn’t know what you were thinking and I stupidly thought living in denial where the possibility of having a child was still in the air would be better than actually talking to you in fear that you changed your mind.  It makes no sense and saying it out loud sound ridiculous, but I was hoping for a few more weeks of not feeling so…so…so hollow.”

The creases between Jensen’s furrowed brows increased as his frown deepened.  Over the last two weeks, Jared had put on a grand show of being himself.  It was only when Jared let himself be exposed, like right now, that Jensen could see that it was all a façade.  “Not talking about it isn’t going to solve anything.”

Jared snorted and pursed his lips.  “Yeah, I _know_.  I’m not stupid.  I’m just…you know, forget it.”

Jensen winced, Jared’s annoyance slapping him in the face.  It was another reminder of just how ‘not okay’ Jared was.  “ _Hey_!”  Grabbing Jared’s hands, Jensen tugged him so they were facing each other.  “Don’t treat me like that.  Don’t treat _this_ like that.”  His teetered on the edge of being angry and hurt but ultimately Jared’s wounded face settled him into feeling sympathetic.  “I wasn’t saying you were stupid.  You _know_ that.”

Jared’s nod let on that he did.

Jensen smiled softly.  “Okay, so can we talk about this without any more false pretenses or anyone jumping to conclusions?”

Jared gave another nod before his lips moved as if trying to figure out what to say.  After two false starts he settled on, “I love you.”

Letting out a surprised laugh, Jensen’s eyebrows arched up.  It wasn’t what he was expecting and suddenly his heart ached because Jared was sitting in front of him looking like the perfect combination of adorable and uncertain.  All Jensen wanted to do was hug him; so, he did.  “I know.  I love you too, so much.”  He took a breath.  Jared was so warm and alive and he felt practically perfect tangled up in his arms.  Their legs were still sprawled out on the floor but Jensen found a way to wiggle closer.  They were normally two functioning adults who didn’t need this type of display of affection to prove anything, but sometimes they needed to shut out the world.  It was sappy and ridiculous; they’d both shrug it off later, but right now Jared clung to him like a leech.  “You _know_ I love you.”  Jensen felt Jared nod his head against his collar bone.  “And that’s why I really want to have a baby with you.”  He froze with the realization that the admittance was finally out in the world, heard by someone who mattered so much more than Dr. Lerner.

“You _really_ want to have a baby?”  Jared pulled away enough to look Jensen in the eyes.

“You’re putting a little too much emphasis on the ‘really’ but, yeah, I want to do this.  But only if you do.”

Sucking his lips in, Jared paused in thought.  “Of course I do.  It’s shocking – this change of events – but I do.  I’m just worried…you know?  About you.  About me.  About what is going to happen.”  He sat straight and stared so as to gage Jensen’s reaction.

“Me too.”  Jensen shifted under the discomfort of the situation.  “I’m petrified of feeling vulnerable. I am so scared of what we are doing.  But there is this weird part of me, this side I cannot believe exists, that is kind of excited.  It feels weird to let that excitement in because as much as I want a child I can’t shake the stupid fear I feel about physically being pregnant.”  Jensen cut his words off and looked away.

Jared leaned back so he could get a better view of the man’s entire frame. “Jensen, you can tell me that.  It’s okay to tell me that.  I’ve known that for years.  But you need to tell me what worries you and if you think you can get over it.”

“I didn’t want to trouble you.  Jay, honestly, you’ve been dealing with enough shit lately.  I didn’t want to dump my issues on you – at least not now.  Plus, I was uncomfortable talking to Scott and Doug about it; I think it would’ve been even harder to tell the man I love.  I don’t want to disappoint you and I _definitely_ don’t want to make you feel worse.  I’d do anything for you, not because I have to but because I want to.  And I think I knew what I was going to do all along.  When I realized I’ve been taking the pills – _that I wanted to take the pills_ – I knew where I wanted this conversation to end.”

“You mean…?” Jared’s question trailed off as Jensen signaled yes.  Jared suddenly pressed his lips against the man beside him.  “You sure?”

“I’m sure or crazy.  Either way, I went to Dr. Lerner’s today…just to make sure everything is okay.”  He fingered the bag at their side.  “He gave me a whole bunch of _stuff_.  Getting you pregnant was one thing but it is weird being on the opposite site of the deal.”  He dug in the bag and pulled out an ovulation calendar.  “Do you know people schedule this stuff?”

Letting out a short burst of laughter, Jared nodded.  “Yes, Jen.  I do.”

“I mean, I figured people just kind of had a lot of sex.  That’s what we did.”

“We did that because we like to have a lot of sex.”  Sliding closer, Jared brought his face alongside Jensen’s and kissed his lips softly.

The mention of sex made Jensen freeze.  He’d not put too much thought into that role reversal.  Now, with it staring him in the face, he had no idea how the subject escaped his worries up until now. 

He liked sex.  He _loved_ sex.  But he loved it best when Jared’s hands or mouth were around his dick or he was bottoming out in Jared’s mind-blowing ass.  He’d been so hung up on the idea of actually being pregnant that he hadn’t had time to worry about what actually getting pregnant entailed. 

Jensen had learned fairly early on in his sexual experiences that he didn’t like to be on the receiving end of penetrative sex.  Despite trying it a few times, it just wasn’t his cup of tea.  When he met Jared he was happy to find out that Jared was all for receiving penetrative sex.  His husband loved bottoming for him; practically fell to pieces when Jensen was moving inside him.  They were not only compatible in their careers but their sexual compatibility was off the charts.  They happily filled opposite roles and stuck to them.  That’s not to say Jared hadn’t coaxed fantastic orgasms out of Jensen with more than one finger up his ass and Jensen’s dick grazing the back of his throat.  Jensen was more than happy to play, he just drew his comfort line at full blown anal sex.

“Jen?”  Jared recognized the change in Jensen and cupped his husband’s chin between his thumb and pointer finger, forcing Jensen to look at him.  “Aww, baby.”

Sighing, Jensen was more than thankful that Jared seemed to understand his sudden hang up.  Thinking it came with enough discomfort; to speak it would be worse.

“Jensen, it’s okay.  We’ll figure it out.  Hmm?”  He kissed Jensen’s lips slowly, working against them until Jensen lost some of his tension and kissed back.  “We have a lot to figure out, but we’ll figure it out.”  He brought both hands to Jensen’s jaw and pulled him forward, lavishing him with tiny kisses until Jensen got with the program.

Jensen knew Jared was right.  They’d figure it out, but he didn’t feel like figuring anything out at the moment.  All he wanted to do was feel more of his husband’s kisses on his skin.  Jared’s kisses made sense, they were familiar and more comforting than their discussion had been.  He snaked a hand behind Jared’s back and coasted upward until his fingers were tangled in Jared’s hair so that he could pull him closer.

Eventually, their kisses got more intense, Jared letting out a surprised gasp when Jensen bit down on his lower lip.  Being on the floor was awkward, but Jensen shifted so that he pinned Jared against the wall and bracketed his head by leaning forward on both forearms.  They continued kissing while Jared’s hands worked at unbuttoning Jensen’s shirt, shoving it open and so that he could get handsy with the expanse of muscles he’d just revealed.

When Jared tweaked one of Jensen’s nipples, the man couldn’t help but groan.  He yanked Jared down to the wood flooring, blanketing his body with his own.  Supporting himself on one hand, he used the other to pull Jared’s pants open, shoving them down roughly so that he could get a hand inside them.

Never one to miss a beat, Jared lifted his hips slightly so Jensen could push the denim down.  He proceeded to peel Jensen’s shirt off before leaning forward to suck at the column of his husband’s neck, wrapping both arms around Jensen and destroying any negative space between their bodies.

The way Jared reacted to their actions wasn’t shocking;  Jared, when in his right mind, always fell apart for Jensen.  It was what made Jensen’s heart speed up and beat until it almost exploded from his chest.  There was nothing on earth that could compare to the feeling of Jared succumbing to the arousal Jensen caused him.  It was beautiful and perfect, and god Jensen wanted Jared _forever_.  He wanted that reaction to always be something he could count on.

With his hand in Jared’s pants, Jensen wrapped his fist around an already blood thickening length.  It was enough to inspire another desirous sigh.  He pumped Jared’s dick once and Jared arched his back, pushing up into Jensen’s hand while pulling his face away enough so that Jensen could see Jared’s blissfully closed eyes and lustfully parted lips.

Opening his eyes, Jared shivered, stared directly at Jensen and licked his lips.  He craned his neck so that he could kiss Jensen’s lips again while his hand made quick work of getting Jensen’s pants pushed down and over the curve of his ass.

Newly exposed, Jensen was able to rub their naked arousals against one another’s, creating enough pressure to be a hint of where Jensen planned on taking things.  He growled in the back of his throat but Jared swallowed it down as he intensified the kiss and instinctively spread his legs wider.

Breaking the kiss, Jensen quickly sucked down two of his fingers before shifting and slotting his hand between Jared’s legs.  His finger tips teased at furled rim of Jared’s entrance, pressing gently against the muscle before tugging at it in a subtle stretch.   “I want you.  Just like this.  Right here, right now.”

Looking up with surprise widened eyes, Jared pushed himself up onto his elbows.  “That’s not exactly going to get you pregnant.”  But despite his statement, his legs stayed parted and he subconsciously rolled his hips in an attempt to let more of Jensen’s finger inside of him.

“Yeah…I know…I just…”  Jensen bit his lip, pulling back enough to properly look Jared in the eyes.  “I need _this_.  Okay?  I need _this_ and you, right now…like _this._ Okay?”  He knew Jared was right; he knew that sliding into Jared right now wouldn’t amount to much.  Only, he needed it.  He needed to have Jared like this so that he could reaffirm what they had, what they have.

“Yeah, Jen.  Okay.”  Smiling, Jared shivered again and pushed against Jensen’s finger, getting more than just the tip inside.  His body still propped up on his shoulders, he let out a pant as his head rolled back onto his shoulder blades.

That was all Jensen needed to hear.  He pushed one digit completely into Jared, taking his time and enjoying the shallow puffs of air his husband let out in response.  He toyed with Jared using one finger for several long drawn out thrusts of his hand before he added a second finger and crushed his body against his husband’s.

Jared was trying to wiggle in a way that would give him the most stimulation, thus rubbing his dick against Jensen’s and making weak bucks of his hips in an attempt to increase the speed of Jensen’s fingers.  Being that he was at Jensen’s mercy, it was useless.

It was pretty to watch but Jensen couldn’t resist sucking onto the area above Jared’s collar bone, his actions hard enough to leave a bruise in his wake.  He and Jared rarely left marks on each other’s bodies where clients could see, but right now, Jensen needed to do that.  He needed to leave something semi-permanent to remind him of everything before he and Jared go and turn things on their head.

“Fuck! Jensen!”  Jared made a pained noise but when Jensen released suction on the man’s neck and lavished him with quick swipes of his tongue and gentle kisses, Jared melted again.  He melted further when Jensen got a third finger inside, thrusting with a purpose and brushing against a familiar bundle of nerves.

Jared’s moan made Jensen’s dick twitch.  Several more brutal attacks on Jared’s prostate and Jensen swore that just maybe he could come simply on the sounds filling the room, watching Jared’s dick slap against his stomach and his husband’s entrance clamping tightly around Jensen’s fingers.

Jared tried to struggle so that he could stop Jensen’s teasing and take matters into his own hands but Jensen pressed a palm to the middle of his husband’s chest and forced him flat on his back.  He made sure he stayed that way as he scissored his fingers, testing Jared’s tightness.  Jensen twisted his wrist, moving exactly where Jared wanted him on every forth pump.  Gazing down at Jared with his shirt hanging off him and looking thoroughly debauched made Jensen leave a streak of precome across Jared’s thigh when he rutted against it.

“Jen…”  Jared whined.  Licking his lips, he took ragged breaths.  “I thought you said you wanted me.”  Without escaping Jensen’s hold, he rolled his hips in just a way that he could widen his legs and expose more of his increasingly prepared entrance.  “What are you waiting for?”

“I just like making you fall apart.”  Jensen leaned forward and kissed Jared softly at first, feeling his husband’s lips curl into a smile beneath his own.  Then he fucked his tongue inside, licking at Jared’s hot breath and finding dominance over the kiss.

“Tease.”

Smirking at his husband’s retort, “Never.”  Jensen pulled his fingers out with a whimper from Jared and skirted backwards, giving a wary scan of the room.  There had to be something in the room that could double as a decent form of lube.

Pointing a shaky hand towards a set of drawers, Jared’s voice was just as uneven.  “There.  Top drawer.  Pick your poison…anything…all of it…it’ll work.”  He grabbed his own dick and stroked it slowly while watching Jensen noisily dig through the drawer.

In a flash, Jensen had the bottle uncapped and was coating his own dick with enough lube to make their coupling messy but their movements fluid.  Then he was on Jared again, yanking him closer and throwing one leg over his shoulder.  At the push of the tip of his arousal at Jared’s hole, they both made a breathy moan that turned gruff with the long drawn out slide until Jensen was fully seated inside.  He paused there for a moment, hovering over Jared and letting them adjust.  “I love looking at you like this.  I love how you look…like you’re going to die if I don’t move, if I don’t fuck you.  Like I’m everything.”

Swooning, Jared let his head fall back on the floorboards with a thump.  He wrapped his free leg around Jensen’s waist and tried to pull him in deeper.  “You are everything.  And I love that you make me like this.”  A gasp left his mouth as he purposely tensed his muscles around Jensen’s dick.  “Now come on Jen. No more playing.  You wanted to be in control, so take control.”  His words hinted on a dare and he smirked mischievously.

With a growl, Jensen pulled out in one sinuous movement and slammed back in, jerking Jared’s body forward.

“Shit!”  Arching off the floor, Jared clawed at Jensen’s arms and held on for dear life as Jensen picked up a rapid pace of moving inside him.  His nails dug deeper when Jensen’s hips pistoned faster, slammed in deeper and the head of his husband’s dick collided with his prostate at an unrelenting rate.  “Shit, shit, shit…fu- oh god!”

Holding onto Jared’s left leg, the one thrown over his shoulder, Jensen rocked his hips and punctuated each thrust with a thorough jab, filling Jared with every inch of his cock.  It felt so fucking good that he was able to forget the worries of the day and the twisted feeling in his gut from uncertainty over Jared’s reactions to what Dr. Lerner said.  With an airy grunt, he pulled almost completely out of Jared before slamming back in.

They moved like that for a while, Jensen giving it all and Jared taking, taking, taking.  Jensen loved times like these the best, where he knew he could depend on their chemistry like clockwork.  It was what he was afraid of losing.  He could be vulnerable, and in certain ways fucking Jared proved that.  It proved that they trusted each other enough to fill these roles, to know that the other was just as invested.  He was putting how much he needed Jared out into the world and Jared was taking it all in.  Jensen thrust harder, loving how Jared let out a pant of air. Every. Single. Time.  Moving inside and above Jared made everything right in the world.  It’s why thinking about it being any other way felt so wrong.

What brought Jensen’s thoughts back to the task at hand was when Jared let out a strangled moan before dissolving into a series of awkward pants.  It was Jensen’s cue that Jared was close; that was perfect because so was he.  With several twists and pumps of his wrist, Jensen knew he was on the edge of wringing an orgasm out of his husband.  A few more thrusts and he felt Jared lose it in the form of hot splashes of come against their bellies and scratches down his arms while Jared tried to simultaneously pull away and get closer.

“Shi-Jen!  Don’t stop…just…yeah…don’t!”  Jared’s toes curled and his body tensed, clenching down on Jensen and trying to keep him deep inside while he rode out his orgasm.

It was more than enough to rip an orgasm out of Jensen; nothing could stop it after Jared started moaning so prettily and bucking his hips to meet each thrust.  It took two more thorough slides into his husband’s body before Jensen’s movements got choppy and he came, releasing everything he had pent up inside Jared in shuddering bursts.

Everything broke down into fragmentary shifts of their hips and movements they weren’t steady enough to complete.  They shivered together and when Jensen leaned down to give Jared a rough kiss, they pulled apart gasping for air.  Both of their chests were working overtime as their movements slowed, eventually becoming nothing more than a twitch before Jensen pulled out of his husband and crashed to the floor beside him.

Turning his face towards Jared, he met with brown eyes.  Jensen couldn’t tell exactly what Jared was thinking, but it couldn’t be all that bad because Jared was smiling softly, his lips still parted as he tried to catch his breath.  “Wha?”

Shaking his head softly, Jared let out a content hum as he nuzzled against Jensen’s shoulder. “That was intense.”  He pulled a leg up and draped it over Jensen’s abdomen.

“Yeah.”  Jensen smiled as Jared reached out a hand towards him.  Closing his eyes, he leaned into the gesture as Jared curved his palm against his cheek and lovingly held it there for a minute.

“You have no idea how sexy you are when you fuck me like that.”

“Like what?”  Reaching up his own hand, Jensen curled it around Jared’s and brought it down to rest over his beating heart.

“Like you are trying to plow me through the floorboards.”  Jared laughed.  “It’s fucking hot.”

Though the compliment rustled up a swell of pride in his chest, Jensen went serious.  “I’m not going to be so hot if I get…pregnant.”

Jared rolled his eyes before settling on letting out a sympathetic sigh.  “Yeah…so we’re doing that…huh?”

“I thought we figured that out already.”  Jensen propped himself up on one elbow.

“We did…it’s just…it’s still weird to hear you talk about it…still weird to picture it.  But, Jen…”  Jared inched up the wall at his side until he will sitting against it.  “You’re still going to be hot.  You’re still going to be you.  You’re just going to be…you know…pregnant.  And I’ll fucking love you for it and you’ll be perfect and gorgeous and our kids,”  Jared paused when Jensen froze at the word, “ _kid_ will be gorgeous.  And I’m going to want you all the same.  Maybe more.”

Snorting a laugh, Jensen pushed himself up to sit beside Jared.   “I am glad someone has faith in that.” Jensen smiled. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so negative.  I’m sure it will work out, as long as you’re on board, then I think we’ll be good.”

Jared playfully pointed to himself.  “On board.  You know, we got this whole married thing going on, till death do us part and all that other stuff.  So, yeah, I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re not, right?”  After trying to hold it together the best he could, Jensen let a concern slip through the crack.

“No, you’re stuck with me.”  Jared grimaced and shifted against the wall.  “But I do think I am _going_ to hit the shower.  As much as I loved being plowed into it, this floor isn’t exceedingly comfortable and you’ve made quite a mess of it and me.”  Jared got to his feet, stumbling over the mess of strewn about clothing, and offered Jensen a hand.  “Care to join me?”

No answer was needed.  Jensen took Jared’s hand and followed him out of the room, prompting Jared to run ahead of him by smacking his husband’s ass.

 Jensen sighed.  What did he just sign up for?

*********************

To be quite honest, Jensen was starting to rethink his dismissal of the ovulation tests and calendars.

He credited this to one very significant reason:  To get pregnant, he would have to bottom for Jared.

He wasn’t looking forward to it, but he could deal.  That didn’t mean, however, that he was going to let Jared go to town on his ass whenever he damn well pleased.

No.  That wasn’t going to happen.

As soon as Jensen realized that, the ovulation calendar seemed a lot more helpful.  If he used it, then instead of random acts of penetrative sex, they could make sure Jensen bottomed at times with the highest change of impregnation.

Jared was 100% fine with giving Jensen the reins on figuring out the logistics of getting pregnant but Jensen still caught those hurt looks Jared made when he thought his husband wasn’t looking.  Jensen saw the way Jared looked at him when he tried to figure out the calendar and it was a quick reminder that while Jared was on board with their new plan, he was still healing from the loss of being able to do _exactly_ what Jensen was doing.

It may have been that reason that made Jensen figure things out in private.  They weren’t secret, but they weren’t on display or in Jared’s face.  He took ovulation tests when he was at work or when Jared was with a client.  It was weird that the part of him Jensen always tried to pretend didn’t exist was suddenly the only part he paid much attention to.

He figured things out and didn’t say anything to his husband unless he was absolutely certain.

This was why he didn’t quite know what to say when he found himself sitting in their master bathroom looking at a positive ovulation test.  He knew it meant he would be most fertile over the next few days.

He also knew it meant he was going to be having sex with Jared – bottoming for Jared – and soon.

His heart thudded in his chest and he held the test like it was electric and he couldn’t loosen his grip.

His body was a fucking traitor and was going along with this plan before Jensen had been able to swallow all of his discomfort.

He was still holding onto the test when Jared came crashing into the room and shattering the moment of panic.

“Hey, Jensen, have you seen my…”  Jared’s words trailed off as he took in his husband’s uneasy form.  “What?”

Swallowing, Jensen laid the test flat on the edge of the sink and pushed it towards Jared.  He knew Jared could read it since the man had taken enough of them in the beginning of their attempts to start a family.  “So…I’m…”  He shrugged instead of saying the word.

“Ohh….”  Jared glanced at the test before his eyes widened.  “ _Ohh!”_

“Yeah…”  Braving a nervous smile, Jensen scratched at the back of his neck.  “So, yeah…so now we know.”

And knowing was fucking terrifying.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: PORN, then mini porn, then more PORN, bottom!Jensen, top!Jared, awkward sex, dub-con (kinda)  
> Rating: NC-17  
> Banner: [Bt_kady](http://bt_kady.livejournal.com/36284.html)  
> Beta: [yohkobennington](http://yohkobennington.livejournal.com/36284.html)  
> Author's Note: Okay...sooooo, this is a lot of sex. But it was necessary sex. I hope you like it even though it is awkward. I really wanted to finish this chapter. I think the amount I torture my characters is directly correlated to my mood.
> 
>  
> 
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> 

Jensen stared at the positive ovulation test a moment longer before sliding it off the sink to fall into the garbage.

It was Friday and they both had work.  The rehab center expected Jensen at ten and Jared started seeing clients again sometime last week; he had a full day of appointments lined up for the day. 

Sadly, Jensen thought of all those facts as something that bought him more time.  They both _had_ to go to work, so they couldn’t start trying to have a baby till at least after 5:00 PM.   That meant he had about eight hours of not having to worry about having Jared _inside_ him.

Only, when he looked at Jared, Jared didn’t look quite on board with the ‘go to work’ plan.  He was twitchy and anxious to do something and Jensen hoped very much it did not involve his ass.

Putting an end to whatever thoughts Jared’s head was spinning, Jensen pushed out of the bathroom, talking over his shoulder at his husband.  “So, I was thinking…tonight then.  Maybe we can try tonight.”  He pivoted on his heels and gave a nervous smile.  He knew they’d be doing it much more than tonight, but he couldn’t focus on the big picture at the moment.  Baby steps.  He rolled his eyes at the thought, his mind getting hooked on the word ‘baby’. 

“Um, yeah!”  Jared followed Jensen and practically collided into him, nervously wrapping his arms around the small of his back and pulling them together snugly.  “Yeah…I think that’s good.  As long as you want to.”

“Well, yeah…I mean…”  Jensen let his words go unfinished and looped his own arms around Jared’s back.  He looked up at his husband and caught his eyes twitching slightly with nervous energy.

“Well, ‘m kinda nervous…you know…I’ve never topped you before and…I,” he swallowed loudly, “I don’t really know what I’m doing.  I mean, I _know_ what to do but I don’t know how well I’ll do it.”  Jared’s fingers curled into the loose fabric of Jensen’s shirt.

“We’ll figure it out…right?  You know what you like and I know what I like, so we can,” he let out a forced laugh, “compare notes.”

The laugh Jared let out was just as forced with a thick serving of unease.

Maybe he was being self-centered, but Jensen hasn’t accounted for Jared being nervous.  He’d only been thinking of his own discomfort.  Looking at Jared now, it was easy to see that his husband was just as thrown of his game with this new role switch up.

Whatever was going to happen later tonight probably wasn’t going to be anywhere near sexy, but if he had his way, it would get the job done.

He tilted his head up and kissed Jared’s lips in an attempt to comfort him.  “It’s going to be fine.”  Only, the reassurance came out more like a question and left them both uncertain. 

Jared sighed, pulled Jensen closer, and took a calming breath.  “I seriously have the best husband.”

That statement went two ways and Jensen latched onto the certainty in its meaning.  “Me too.”  He inhaled Jared, kissing at a spot just below his ear, before he pulled away.  “But don’t pull any of that rose and wine and someone else’s version of romantic music shit, okay?”

“Aww, Jen, really?”  Jared yelped when Jensen playfully punched him in the shoulder.  “Come on Jen, no mood setting?”

Though it was clear that Jared was mocking him, Jensen went deadly serious.  “No.  No mood, period.  I swear Jared, I will knock you out if I come home and this place looks like some cheesy 90’s rock ballad music video.”

Jared’s eyes perked up and he smirked, belting out lyrics at the top of his lungs, “ _But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way, tonight_ –“  Jensen punched him in the other shoulder, sending Jared into a fit of laughter.

“I’m not kidding, Jared.”  Jensen crossed his arms.  Normally he would think Jared’s antics were adorable, he loved seeing his husband’s eyes curve up in laughter, especially when he was cracking himself up all on his own.  This time though, it was different.  He didn’t want to think about Jared trying to get him in the mood for sex, he didn’t want to think about Jared turning their normal lives into what society saw as romantic.

They were their own people and they came complete with loving gestures and romantic moments shared between the two of them and between the sheets.  But Jared was usually on the receiving end of sexual romantic gestures and Jensen…Jensen, well, wasn’t.  He was fine with every way Jared showed his commitment to their marriage, but there was no way he would even have sex in a bed covered in rose petal.  Ever.  He and Jared weren’t _that_ gay.

Well, there was that one time…but that was neither of their faults.  The hotel did that on their own accord.  The flowers just happened to be there when Jensen crushed Jared to the mattress and fucked his brain out.  By the time he noticed them they were covered in come and sweat and somehow that made them seem appropriate.  They were dirty and debauched instead of delicate and pure.  It was a good improvement.

Regardless, if Jared lights up their bedroom with 100 tealight candles, his husband is sleeping on the couch for a week.

“Jensen, I’m making a joke.  Relax.  It’ll be just me and you, okay?”  Jared snorted at his husband.  “Now get your ass to work before you have a mild panic attack.”

“Not having a panic attack.”

Jared wrinkled his nose up and nodded his head.  “Yeah, you kindda are.”

“Am not.”  Jensen’s rebuttal was gruff as he snarled at Jared.  He held up a solid defense even though he knew his husband was right.  Technically, it was nothing new.  He had been in some form of a panic attack for over a month; he’d just been managing it better.

“Okay, whatever you say.”  Smiling, Jared rocked forward to kiss Jensen on the lips.  “I’ll see you later.”  

“Later.”  Jensen ran a hand down Jared’s back, pausing for a moment before pulling away, intent on leaving the room.  The thought of what he would be doing in the room later on would no doubt be on his mind all day, which kicked his need to ‘escape’ into high gear and he quickly jogged down the stairs.  Before he hit the final steps, he heard Jared’s screaming voice singing from their room.

“ _But I'll never do it better than I do it with you. So long, so long…_ ”

“Jare!!!”  Jensen let out a huff of air but he had to laugh.  He had to.  Jared was purposely singing poorly and it was fucking funny.  Despite the nerves about later that evening, Jensen ran a hand though his hair and laughed because his husband was hilarious.  His husband always made him smile.

That fact was more than enough to suffocate his nerves for the time being.

****************

Stepping into the house after work, Jensen knew immediately that Jared hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary.  He had, however, been grilling because Jensen could smell it the moment he got out of the car.

“Jared?”  Jensen peered around the corner of the kitchen’s entrance.

“Outside.”

Following Jared’s voice, Jensen found his husband drinking a beer while flipping a steak.  “Hey, Jay.”  Making his way towards the taller man, he pressed a kiss to his mouth before licking his own taste and coming away with a hint of the beer Jared just took a swig of.  He loved the way Jared tasted after a beer.  Jared always found that funny, but to Jensen there was always something appealing about Jared’s hot mouth mixed with the weirdly sweet aftertaste of alcohol.  And Jared fucking knew it because he took another drag of his beer and kissed Jensen harder, almost sending the man off balance.

Breaking the kiss, Jared licked his lips and hummed contently.  “How was work?”

“It was okay.  It was work.  I feel like all my patients wanted to be stubborn pieces of work.”  Jensen stretched his neck to look at what Jared had cooking on the grill.  “Mmm, you made corn.”  He reached out the grab a cob.  “Let’s just say I’m happy to be home.”

“You _are_?”  Jared raised an eyebrow and swatted Jensen’s hand away.  With a swift move, he stuck a beer he had laying in wait into his husband’s hand.

“Yeah.”  Jensen scrunched his face in confusion.  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

With a shrug, Jared grabbed a serving plate so as to transfer the steaks and vegetables.  “I dunno, I guess because of,” he made a vague gesture, “ _you know_.”

Boy did Jensen know.  He knew exactly what Jared was getting at, but that wouldn’t be enough to stop him from being happy about being in their home.  “Jay,” Jensen sighed.  “You’re here.  Food’s here.  I’m good.”

Hearing the words put a smile on Jared’s lips, one of those smiles that seemed to take up the entire lower portion of his face.  Without saying a word, he headed towards the house, giving Jensen a quick “come and get it” look over his shoulder that made Jensen question if he was referring to more than just the steaks.

They ate dinner together, the conversation skirting just shy of being totally comfortable.  Both men had a nervous energy buzzing in the back of their minds, because even if they didn’t verbally acknowledge it, there was very much an elephant in the room.

Two beers later and Jensen was faced with an antsy looking husband who had long since stopped drinking and had been pushing his corncob around his plate for the last twenty minutes. 

Instead of saying anything, Jensen simply stood up, put a gentle hand on Jared’s shoulder and squeezed before brushing past him and walking upstairs.

He had caught Jared’s confused expression just as he pulled away but didn’t stay long enough for the man to voice a question.  There was no point having the conversation Jared seemed to be gearing up for.  Cutting to the chase was a lot easier.

In an effort to avoid that awkward ‘should we or shouldn’t we’ dance, Jensen disappeared into their bedroom and stripped off his clothing. Running a hand down his face, he sat naked in the middle of the bed.  Jared would hopefully figure out what his next move should be.  Beer was happily buzzing through his system and it made things slightly foggy.  He had a feeling he was going to need to hang onto that haziness because when Jared finally did enter the room the awkwardness was practically tangible.

“Hey.”  Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Jared lingered in the doorway, playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

“Hi.”

“You’re naked.”

Raising an eyebrow at Jared, Jensen snorted.  “Yeah, I kinda figured…”  His words dropped off as they started to develop into an almost apology.

“No, no, it’s cool.  I just…should I?”  Jared finally took a step into the room.  “I mean, should I get naked too, because I kinda figured…and I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable, but you’re naked and well, I _should_ probably get undressed too…”

Shutting off Jared’s rambling, Jensen’s voice cut through the nervous flow of words.  “Jared!”  He waited until his husband looked at him.  “Get on the bed.”  The words weren’t a suggestion, they were a definite command.

Startling to action, Jared almost tripped over his feet as he followed Jensen’s orders.  He crawled forward, denim brushing against the nude skin of Jensen’s legs until he found his familiar place in straddling Jensen’s hips, bracketing them with each thigh.

Taking a deep breath, Jensen worked his hands under Jared’s shirt and savored to solid heat of his chest.  “Stop thinking about _this_.  Okay?  I need you to stop _thinking_ so hard.  What good are we if we are both bugging out about it?  I’m naked.  So what?  I’m naked a lot of the time and you’ll get there too eventually.”

“Okay, yeah, you’re right.”  Jared’s muscles relaxed as his heart reacted to Jensen’s touch.

Closing his eyes, Jensen could almost forget about how this situation was going to end.  He was almost able to picture himself tugging Jared’s jeans down, bending him over the bed and fucking him hard and fast.  But that wasn’t where things were heading.  It made the whole situation feel less romantic and more distant and way too structured.  Fighting against the discomfort, he slid one hand up Jared’s back till it reached the nape of his neck and he pulled his husband to him, kissing him thoroughly.

Jared let out a whispered moan as he opened his mouth to the kiss.  He practically melted into Jensen’s hold as he let his husband dominate the gesture and ravage every aspect of the confines of his mouth.

It got more intense, neither man willing to move past the kissing and pawing stage.  To Jensen, it felt like high school all over again where you knew where things were heading but you were too nervous to go into unknown territory for the first time.  As a result, staying in the safety of kisses and groping caresses seemed a better alternative.

With a burst of power, Jensen pushed forward and shoved Jared onto his back so that he could hover over his body and kiss him deeper.  Jared went with it, fluidly shifting through the motions and raking his hands over Jensen’s bare chest.

When Jared started making those needy moans of want that Jensen loved so much, Jensen’s dick finally brushed past the feeling of dread he’d been experiencing all day and twitched to life.  He rolled his hips and pressed his arousal into the crease between Jared’s thigh and torso.  After several ruts against his husband, he backed off and yanked Jared’s jeans open and off while Jared struggled with pulling his shirt over his head.  Now both nude, Jensen rose onto his knees, licked his lips, and stared at Jared.

Jared looked so damn pretty, all kiss swollen lips and flushed from the recent flurry of activity.  In a show of power, Jensen reached forward and yanked Jared’s head towards his dick, practically forcing his husband to swallow his arousal down in one bob of his head.

Jared worked with the action beautifully.  His warm mouth enveloped Jensen’s length in a singular follow through, complete with a throaty moan.

Eyes practically rolling back at the skillful intensity of Jared’s mouth, Jensen fisted Jared’s hair more firmly and arched his hips forward so he could watch Jared’s head bob up and down, sucking Jensen’s dick into his mouth in that delicious way he always did.  And it was good, great even.  He let out groan when Jared’s tongue swirled around the stiff length and his husband rolled his eyes up to meet Jensen’s.

The eye contact always did something crazy to Jensen’s brain.  Looking at Jared on his knees, going to town on _his_ dick, while he refused to give up on this practically smoldering stare always made his brain go “ _yes, yes, yes, mine, mine, mine_ ” and his dick ooze droplets of precome as he tried not to orgasm too quickly.

Eventually, Jared re-situated himself on the mattress so that he could support himself with one hand and use the other to wrap around the base of Jensen’s dick.  Pumping his fist in time with his mouth’s movement up and down Jensen’s shaft, Jared fell into a rhythm.  Things got sloppy, Jared’s fist moving sinuously with saliva as he sucked and licked and coaxed moans out of Jensen.  Saliva dribbled down over the fist he had wrapped around Jensen’s arousal, coating his fingers and peppering Jensen’s tight balls.

Jensen was five seconds away from coming when Jared released his hand and tip-toes his fingers behind Jensen’s balls, ghosted over his perineum and circled the slick digits around the tight ring of muscle hiding there.  The second Jared nudged the tip of his finger inside, Jensen was ripped back from his orgasm and couldn’t focus on Jared’s mouth still deep throating him.  Tunnel vision kicked in and he all he could feel was Jared searching and probing.  Subconsciously, he tensed, being semi-successful in hindering Jared’s progress.

Finding too much resistance to press forward, Jared pulled Jensen out of his mouth with a wet pop and looked up at his husband.  “Jen, relax.”

“Sorry…I…sorry,” Jensen spit out quickly before grabbing Jared by the back of the head again and forcing his mouth back on his dick why willing himself to loosen.  He needed the distraction of Jared’s mouth.  When Jared let out a l muffled coughing sound, Jensen realized he might have needed it a little _too_ much and thrust into Jared’s mouth too roughly and hastily for his husband to react in time.

Going back to licking along Jensen’s shaft, Jared tried to nudge a finger inside.  He toyed with the outer furl of muscle, tugging it and teasing it before he slowly moved one finger inside.  It took a little while before Jensen responded to it and his body relaxed enough for Jared to try adding a second finger.

Normally, this wasn’t a big deal.  They had done more than two fingers before; Jensen had begged for more than two fingers before.  It made no sense that he would be having such a hard time opening up and letting Jared in right now.  He tried to stop it, but his body tensed up again, locking Jared’s fingers in place.

“Jensen…come on Jen.  It’s okay.”  Jared kissed at the inside of Jensen’s thigh, nuzzling the fuzz of hair there.  “Just let it happen.”  He pressed a kiss to Jensen’s abdomen before going back to sucking.

It was difficult, but Jensen relaxed enough to let Jared’s fingers thrust in and out, he even felt them scissor several times.  He tried to put all his thoughts on Jared’s mouth but when a third finger stretched him wider, instigating a burn of discomfort, it obliterated any chances of that happening.

Still, he forced himself to stay loose enough for Jared to stretch and prep him.  He felt Jared’s hand move in the familiar way it always did when he was searching for his prostate, fingers curving and questing.  It didn’t matter.  Jared could brush against his prostate all he wanted.  There was no way he was coming anytime soon.

Jared didn’t give up right away; he only made a dissatisfied huffing noise as he put more effort into getting his husband off.  When his future attempts seemed futile, he gave up, pulled away and gave Jensen a puzzled look.

No feeling like explaining, Jensen sat back on his heels.  “I think I’m good.  So, if you wanna…. _you know_.”

“Fuck you?”  Jared fidgeted as a jolt of energy ran through him.

“Yeah, that.”  Jensen reached towards Jared’s nightstand drawer and pulled out the lube he always seemed to like the best.  “Gonna need more than just saliva though.”

“I know that.”  Snatching the bottle out of Jensen’s hand, Jared coats his leaking arousal with a liberal amount of lube.  When the task is completed he looks at Jensen, lost at what to do next.  “So, how do you want to do this?  Back? Knees?”

They move awkwardly, as if trying to get into two different positions.  At one point they actually bump heads and Jared pulls back with an “ouch” while rubbing his forehead.  Their legs get tangled and Jared slips and almost falls off the bed.  They look like foals just getting their footings.  It is ridiculous and awkward and _definitely_ not sexy.

It was Jensen who pulled it together enough to actually get anything done.  “Like this.”  He gets onto his hands and knees, facing the headboard.  Looking over his shoulder he can see Jared still looking at him like a deer in headlights.  “I wanna stay this way.”

Licking his lips, Jared rises up on his knees and shuffles towards the ass Jensen is so hesitantly putting on display.  It was a nice ass and he very much liked looking at it, but he wasn’t exactly sure what to do with it at the current moment.  “Oh, o-okay.”  After several breaths of simply staring, Jared gets closer and parts Jensen’s ass cheeks with one hand.  “You sure.”

Jensen nodded.  “Mmm hmm.”   He let his head hang between his shoulders and hissed when Jared barely nudged the tip of his dick inside.

“Sorry!”  Backing up, Jared abandoned his attempt and sat back on his heels.

“It’s okay.  Just do it.”

With a nod made too rapid by nervous energy, Jared lined himself up again and pushed in against Jensen’s tightness.  The lube helped, but it was still a rough slide in.  Jared kept pushing while Jensen’s body seemed to rock forward, inadvertently moving away from Jared’s hips and intruding length.

“Jen, you gotta….I can’t….you gotta let me in.”  Jared bit his bottom lip and grabbed Jensen around the hips, trying to hold him in one place.

Jensen didn’t even bother with words.  He froze, staying perfectly still as Jared made minuscule pushes inside him, stretching him to the point that it felt _wrong, wrong, wrong_ and burned.  He grit his teeth and held steady.  The discomfort was little else but bearable.

With one hand still slippery from lubing himself up, Jared lost hold of Jensen’s right hip and made a quick jerky movement forward, almost stumbling into Jensen.  The slip up caused a chain reaction and he bottomed out in Jensen far too quickly, prompting a surprised yelp from both of them.

“Fuck!”  Jensen lunged forward, out of Jared’s hold and as far away from his dick as he could manage.  “Jesus, Jared.  What the fuck?”  He had to swallow several times to come back down from the shot of pain.  His ass throbbed.  It hurt in a way he hadn’t felt since high school.  “Shit!”

“I’m sorry!”  With two hands up in apology, Jared grimaced, a blush of embarrassment staining his cheeks.  “I’m sorry, I slipped.  I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m nervous…and shit!  I hurt you Jen.”  He crawled forward and touched a hand to Jensen’s back.  “We should stop.  This is a disaster.  It’s not working.”  His voice flickered with more than just embarrassment; there was as sad defeated quality taking prominence.

Though Jensen hurt, hurt enough to shiver just thinking about it, he couldn’t take it when Jared’s voice cracked and he took in a wavering breath.  He agreed with his husband, this was a disaster, but there was no way he was going to back down now that he had just spent most of his nerve getting to this point.  “No…it’s okay.  Just, don’t go that fast.  _Never_ go that fast.”

“I won’t.  I didn’t mean to.”  Jared watched Jensen get back on his hands and knees and ran a soothing hand over the man’s thigh.  “I won’t do that again.”  There were no more words and he cautiously tested Jensen’s opening with two fingers before working his cock inside.

Eventually, he moved so enough to fill Jensen completely, settling there when Jensen begged him not to move.  They stayed locked together, neither man braving movement until Jensen gave the signal.  Then Jared made soft, shallow thrusts of his hips, taking his time with each movement.

Jensen hated it.  The desire to squirm away, to scream, to do anything other than what they were doing right now, was overpowering.  “Nhg!”  He bit his lip and reminded himself that this was his idea.  Even though he wasn’t enjoying the sex, he still wanted it in some way.

Jared started moving quicker, becoming a sweaty, moaning mess moving above him.  As a top, he was sloppy and lacked any real finesse.  His movements were made up of simple repetitive thrusts, doing very little to arouse Jensen but obviously getting Jared off.  He started making those breathy moans that cued an orgasm and Jensen caught onto that as the light at the end of the tunnel.

Jensen squeezed his eyes shut, fisted the bed sheets and let out a pained whimper.  He tried so hard to hold it in but it escaped none the less.  Immediately, Jared’s hips slowed.

“Jen?”

“Just do it.  Please, Jay?”  Jensen’s words lacked the pleading, begging for release quality that they often held when spilled from Jared’s lips.  Instead they came with the desire to end the whole thing simply so it would be over.  “Just do it.”

Jared still didn’t move and Jensen could practically hear the hesitance rolling around in his brain.

“Do it!”

Jared listened.  He started thrusting again and Jensen bit his lip till his mouth was bombarded with the taste of copper.  There was no way he was going to cry out again and prolong this whole process.

It felt like an hour before Jared’s hips stuttered, he grunted and came while fully seated inside Jensen.  In actuality it was probably minutes.  The minute Jared came and his movements stopped, however, Jensen let out a loud breath and all but collapsed on the bed.

In his perfect would he would pass out and wake up in the morning with his perfect husband who knew better than to talk about what happened the previous night.  But, he’d been living in a not so perfect world for a long time.  Jared’s voice cut through him and Jensen couldn’t avoid that alarm that came with it.

“Jen!  You’re bleeding.  _I_ made you bleed!”  Jared practically skittered backwards at the sight of the hint of blood on his spent dick.  It was tiny and faint, but it was there.

Jensen wasn’t surprised.  It sure as hell felt like Jared had made him bleed.  It also felt like a whole lot of other things he didn’t want to think about.  Just briefly thinking about feeling Jared’s come inside him was awkward enough.  Rolling over onto his back, he found Jared staring at him wide eyed.

“Come here.”  He reached out a hand and grabbed Jared’s arm, tugging him closer.  “Come here baby.”

Toppling over into Jensen’s arms, Jared let himself be pulled to the mattress next to his husband.  “But, Jen…”

“Shh…You didn’t mean to.  It’s okay.  I’ll deal.”  Jensen kissed Jared’s sweaty temple.  Truthfully, he was sore and damn right Jared should be sorry he made him bleed, but that was the irrational part of his brain talking.  It wasn’t Jared’s fault.  Not really.  He had tried, bless him.

Jared went quiet for a minute before curling an arm around Jensen’s waist and trailing his fingers down to toy with his husband’s now flaccid length.  “Jen, you didn’t come.  I was hoping at least you could maybe, I dunno…enjoy it a little.  I can…I can go down on you again…I…”

“It’s okay Jare.  I’m good.  I kinda don’t wanna move for a while.”  He gently shifted Jared’s hand away from his groin.  The truth was, he wasn’t sure if he could come right now.  His mind was too clouded with other things to let himself do so.  “I just want to lay here.  Can we just lay here?  And not talk about it?  I don’t feel like talking about it right now.”

Nodding, Jared tucked his head under Jensen’s chin.  They rolled so that Jensen was spooning him, keeping their arms tangled until their breathing petered out and they fell into the silence of sleep.

***************

The next day, when they tried again, Jensen was still sore but he was too stubborn to wait to try against next month.  Dr. Lerner said he probably had three good days of peak fertilization chances and Jensen was not letting any of them go to waste.

He was committed to this as he was committed to everything he did in life.  He supposed that is why Jared shook a knowing head at him when he suggested they try again the next afternoon.

They were both off for the day and they had as much time as they wanted to get comfortable with the situation.  There were no schedules and awkward pauses where the other didn’t know what to do – not really.  They only hitch they hit was the awkward moment when Jensen got on his hands and knees again and Jared stayed frozen for long enough that Jensen wondered if he was ever going to get around to fucking him.

Ultimately, they figured it out.  Jared moved inside him just as he had the day before.  Jensen hated it just as much as he did the day before, but in the end, when Jared came, he leaned forward and whispered “I love you” in Jensen’s ear and that made everything exponentially more worth it.

The exclamation was so much more than a term of endearment.  It was heavy with emotion and it made Jensen’s heart explode a million times, almost to the point that he was so focused on how much he loved Jared that he didn’t get that uncomfortable sick feeling when he felt Jared’s semen let loose inside him.

Afterwards, Jared was all soft touches and ridiculously loving gazes that it was enough to get him hard again and come between their hot bodies as Jared jerked him off and let Jensen tongue fuck his mouth.

In the end he rolled Jared onto his back and came all over his tight belly, dirtying Jared up the way he liked him and pinning him to the bed so he could kiss him till he needed air.

Bottoming wasn’t so great but leaving Jared breathless was.

The next day, Jensen needed a drink.

It was Sunday and they had nothing planned, not even sex, and Jensen was fine with that.  He was sore and had been pushed too far into the realm of discomfort that he was very happy to drown himself in bourbon and normalcy. 

He took a shot in his coffee, and continued his trickling slow journey into borderline intoxication throughout the whole day.

Jared raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t dare say a word.  By noon, Jared actually joined him.

The lazy day was made even better because it came chockfull of simple things, long drawn out glances, and playful banter they hadn’t felt enough like themselves to dissolve into over the last few weeks.

No one was more shocked than Jensen when they landed naked in their bed, hands making rough grabs of each other and lips only parting enough to let sexual moans out.

Jensen snaked a hand between their bodies and wrapped it around both of their arousals, stroking them in time and biting into Jared’s neck in just the right way to start unraveling him.

“God, Jensen…I want you so bad right now…you have no idea.”  Jared gasped and melted more into Jensen’s touch.

“Kinda do.”  To emphasize his point, he teasingly squeezed Jared’s arousal, twisting his fist and pushing his thumb up along the crown and across the slit, wet with precome.

“Ugh!”  Biting his lower lip, Jared arched into Jensen’s touch, whimpering softly as Jensen kept up his actions.

Licking into Jared’s mouth, Jensen hummed when he tasted the sweetness of bourbon mixing with his husband’s usual signature. 

They kissed, rutted, pawed, and groaned for a while longer before Jared pulled away.  “I wanna fuck you.”

Jensen blinked up at him, eyes hazy with alcohol and surprise.  “Wha?”

“I wanna fuck you Jen.  I wanna do it right.”  He leaned forward and kissed up the column of Jensen’s neck.  “Let me?”

Not knowing if it was the alcohol, or his brain still being determined to take full advantage of ovulating, Jensen agreed.  He thought he would punch himself in the face, but he agreed.  “Yeah, Jay.  Yeah, okay.”

Smiling, Jared sat up in the bed, leaving Jensen flat on his back in the middle.  Without any pretense, he pulled Jensen’s leg up so that the top of his thigh brushed his chest and dipped down to lick a stripe across Jensen’s entrance.

The movement was so sudden and unexpected that Jensen shivered, but he didn’t tense.  It felt good.  He always loved when Jared got his talented little tongue on him, and rimming was no exception.  “Mmmm.”  He closed his eyes and hummed and Jared shoved his leg higher, exposing more of his ass.

“I love doing this to you.”  Jared’s breath was hot on Jensen’s thigh as he turned towards it to speak briefly before licking out again.  His tongue put gentle pressure on the hole, keeping it up until it gave and the tip slipped inside.  Then he pulled back and repeated the process of making teasingly slow and shallow dips of his tongue.

Jensen’s head spun.  It felt good and he needed more.  Jared knew that,  knew just how he liked this and Jensen realized Jared was drawing everything out just to be a tease.  Grunting, he bucked his hips and forced more of Jared’s wet tongue inside him.  He was still sore but Jared’s tongue was gentle; each lap had an odd soothing effect.  Jared kept up his licking, pushing his tongue deeper and deeper until it wasn’t possible for him to lick any further.

Still, Jensen bucked into him.  Moaning and clutching fistfuls of Jared’s hair while rooting up against his face.  He felt his own dick hard and heavy against his belly but he didn’t touch it, not yet.  He wanted to focus on Jared’s mouth.

In the back of his mind he knew it was coming, but when Jared’s pointer finger joined his tongue, Jensen couldn’t help but tense.  However, he didn’t scoot backwards.  He stayed there, legs open wide, as Jared worked him open, stroked his insides, and made happy purring noises as he did so.

When Jared got two fingers inside, it wasn’t terrible.  It was a good type of burn, a type of pressure that Jared’s tongue tried to absorb.  Then Jared thrusts his fingers in perfectly and Jensen was left shivering as a result of the perfect hit to his prostate which Jared didn’t seem intent on abandoning any time soon.

A third finger didn’t happen, but Jared’s tongue started tugging at the rim of his husband’s entrance, coaxing it into relaxing and being ready for something larger.

Abruptly, Jared pulled away, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and leaned over Jensen.  Somewhere along the line Jensen’s brain went fuzzy and he realized that Jared had lubed his dick up and had thrown one of his legs over his shoulder.

“Wait.”  Jensen panicked when he saw Jared lining his length up at his entrance.  He and Jared had never done this face to face and while it wasn’t off-putting, Jensen didn’t know what to think about watching his husband fuck him.

Jared paused and kissed along Jensen’s calve.  “This is what I like when you fuck me Jen.  I love when you throw my leg over my shoulder and slam into me.”

Jensen shook his head, not sure of if he heard correctly.  Jared was looking at with this damn sexy smile and spit wet lips.  Alcohol must have made him wordy because he was slinging a dictionary’s full of dirty talk at him.  The shocking part was, whatever Jared was doing, it was working for him.  “Yeah?  You like that?”

“Mmmm hmm.  I love it.  I love when you put my knees over your shoulders and press forward so that they almost touch my shoulders.  It’s so good baby.  I love it.  And I can look down and watch you sink inside me….Fuck, Jensen.  It’s good.”  Jared swooned and inched closer.  He kept Jensen’s left leg over his shoulder and he nudged the tip of his dick inside his husband.

“Huuhn!”  A puff of air escaped Jensen’s lungs as Jared pushed forward but he stayed loose enough to let it happen.  When the crown of Jared’s dick pressed inside, he shifted and his heart sped up from the burn.  His mind floundered for something to hold onto.  He found his ‘ _something_ ’ in the form of Jared’s face.  Forcing his eyes open, Jensen stared at Jared.  “What else you like, Jay?”

“This part.  I like this part.”  Jared licked his lips and let out a sigh as he sank into Jensen’s too tight heat.  “I love when you press into me and you’re so hard that it takes me a minute to get you all the way inside.  I love that.  I love the burn of your first thrust.  It’s always so good.”

“Ye-yeah?”  Fighting off a grimace of discomfort, Jensen listened to what Jared was saying and it sent a rush of blood to his dick.   It was hot.  It was more than hot; it was scorching.  Jared’s words were more than an ego boost and his voice was gritty enough that there was no doubt about his husband’s arousal.  “You like when I get you all wet and then have my way with your hot ass?”

“God, yes, Jen.  So good.  I love when you fuck me hard enough that you shove all the air out of my lungs and I have to hold onto you to remember how to breathe.”  Jared slid further inside Jensen, rolling his hips a little to find enough added friction to take the edge off his arousal. 

As Jared pushed forward, Jensen’s leg bent closer to his chest.  While he was sure that Jared loved it when Jensen bent him like that, Jensen didn’t like it in the slightest.  There was too much strain in the muscle and it was uncomfortable.  Jared was more bendy.  Still, the words coming off of Jared’s lips were doing it for him and he needed to spur his husband on.  “I love watching you take my dick.  I love how wide I can stretch you open and you just take it and beg for more.”

Jared visually shivered as the words hit him.  “Ohh, yes.”  He licked his lips again.  “Love that too.”  Shifting forward, he slid into Jensen, giving a few weak practice thrusts before building up an actual rhythm.  Jensen wasn’t fighting him, he was taking it, laying there looking up at his husband, some other fantasy working behind his eyes.  “I like when you give it to me hard.”  Jared’s body reacted to the words and he hiked Jensen’s leg higher and thrust all the way in.

The movement left Jensen gasping; Jared was so deep inside of him that he could taste his dick in his mouth.  “Too deep!  Too deep!”  Stars exploded behind his eyes as the hurt radiated through him.

Backing off immediately, Jared gave Jensen’s leg more slack and made sure his thrusts weren’t anywhere near as deep as they had just been.  “Sorry, Jen.  That’s how I like it.  I like it deep like that.  I like when you get a little rough and fuck me so hard I can feel it the next day.”  Jared smirked and then sighed deeply, closing his eyes as he lost himself to Jensen’s body.  “God, you feel good Jen.  Is this what I feel like?  I hope so.  It’s really good.”

Jensen didn’t know what to say.  He watched Jared fall apart and while he _hoped_ bottoming felt much better than this for Jared, watching Jared enjoy himself was amazing.  Listening to his husband talk about what sex felt like for him while he was falling apart was even better.  When Jared reached out and started jerking his struggling arousal, it was the icing on the cake.  He groaned and shifted into Jared’s hand, opening his legs wider so Jared could get a better grip.  Inadvertently, he also gave Jared’s dick a better angle and it didn’t exactly suck.  The pressure was almost good, but Jared’s hand was even better.  It twisted and squeezed in just the right way.

“I love when you tell me you’re gonna come inside me.”  Jared leaned down and moaned closer to Jensen’s lips before nipping at them.  “I love when you tell me you are going to do it, that you are going to come.”

“You,” Jensen swallowed, “you like that?”

“Hell yes.  I love that I can make you do that.  I love hearing it.  I love knowing it.”  Jared shivered and his hips made quicker thrusts.  “Oh god, think you’re going to make me come Jensen.”

The words were so dirty and perfect that Jensen felt himself getting caught up in all of it.  He pictured Jared falling apart on his dick and it was enough to almost get him there himself.  “Jay, love making you come.  You’re so beautiful when you do.  Fuck!”  His body quivered when Jared’s dick collided into his prostate and he thought it was a fluke until his husband did it again.   He couldn’t stop Jared’s name from falling across his lips and when he felt the hand around his stiff length doing that thing that only Jared seemed to be able to do, he moaned.  “Don’t stop.”

Lord does Jensen love Jared, because Jared _gets it_.  He knew Jensen needed him to increase the action with his hand and it all fell into place.  They moved together for a while.  It wasn’t pretty and it was still awkward, but Jensen wasn’t hissing in pain and Jared had nothing to apologize for.  Oddly, Jensen felt like he had all the control despite being flat on his back with his husband riding his ass.  He had the power to stop all of this, but he also had the power to bring it to completion.

Jared leaned forward and kissed Jensen’s lips.  In a power play, he let out words in breathy whispers on each thrust.  “I love you.”  Before Jensen could let out the same reply that is already on his lips, Jared was on them, kissing away any utterance of devotion.  The alcohol made him silly, prompting the escape of a laugh.  He looked a little queer as he braved his next comment.  “I’m gonna try to put a baby in you now, okay?  Let me?  Please?”

The words sound insane, and they should’ve made Jensen uncomfortable but it was the question that ultimately did him in.  He could very much say no.

 But he didn’t.

He answered with a rough kiss and a gravely “please”.  Then things went faster.  Jared lost it almost instantly, babbling and shaking, until he was telling Jensen how close he was to coming.

It was Jared who came first and he looked so beautiful that Jensen followed like lightening.  The minute his orgasm hit him, his eyes were blown wide in surprise and pleasure.  It was like Jared’s word had coaxed it out of him and he couldn’t believe how hard it hit him.

When it was over, Jared slumped like a boneless heap onto Jensen’s chest.  They were sticky and sweaty but Jensen was still in too much shock to move.  He was also sore; Jared wasn’t small by any means and his body had done quite a bit of work to accommodate him over the last three days.  But the cooling splashes of come on his stomach were evidence that something clearly went right.

It’s not like he wanted it to happen again, but if it did, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.  The sex was still uncomfortable and definitely not enough to get him off without Jared’s dirty mouth and hand’s help, but it was _something_.  He was still trying to catch his breath and wrap his mind around _what just fucking happened_ when Jared released an out of breath laugh.

“You came.” 

Jensen snorted.  Jared’s spent body was suffocating him.  He was drowning in a sea of post sex, post orgasm Padalecki limbs and even while he struggles against them, he knew it was no use.  Jared wasn’t budging.  “So did you.”

“Yeah…I did.”  His worlds drawl out a little too long for them to be sober.  Jared trails a hand over Jensen’s abdomen, through the come, and presses flat.  “Right here.  I came right here.”

“Mmmm hmm.”  Jensen was too drunk to say anything else about that and his limbs were feeling too spent to muster up the energy to shove Jared off him.  So he lay pinned under him, kissing him sleepily.

“Thank you,” Jared hummed contently.

“Don’t.  Don’t thank me for being committed to our marriage.”

“I’m not.  I’m thanking you for trusting me.  I mean…” he paused and snorted through his nose, “that was a lot of trust.”

“Yeah, well, I know I can trust you.  And you’re pretty sexy, so I figure you’d be good to keep around.”  Jensen laughed as Jared wiggled in his arms.

Jabbing lightly, Jared connected with his husband’s ribs.  “Am I a better top now?”

“No, you’re still a shitty top.  But you’re damn good at talking like that.  You missed your calling at a phone sex hotline.”

“Ha!  Well you’re not exactly the best bottom.  You’re all needy and….well, you’re a lot of hard work.”  Finally, Jared rolled off Jensen and curled up on his side next to him.

“So let’s stick to our normal roles and we’ll be good.” Knocking his sweaty forehead against Jared’s, he smiled and tucked him close.  He didn’t realize he was shivering until Jared made an awkward reach for the blanket and pulled it up to their chests. 

Jensen wasn’t cold.  What he was was recovering from what just happened and the surrender he’d just been a part of.  This was new territory and it was far from the normal he just suggested they stick to.

While normal sounded really good, after the last three days, normal was probably going on an extended vacation.


	6. Chapter 5

Jensen woke up on a Saturday and dread over getting out of bed set in before he realized he didn’t have work, that it was actually a weekend.  Letting out a groan, he covered his head with Jared’s pillow and fell back into a semi-sleep, safe in the recognition that he could actually sleep in if he wanted to.

Sleeping in wasn’t like him.  He was a morning person, much to Jared’s frustration.   It was something he had been since he could remember.  There was so much he could get done in the time Jared lounged around in bed, though he did find himself lounging in bed with Jared if his husband was receptive to kisses and nips across his collarbone or the slotting of their legs together.  Either way, burying himself into a Jared-less bed and having absolutely no desire to get out was not like him.  The back of his brain worried over that but the majority of his brain was too busy feeling too out of sorts to care.

After dozing on and off for an hour, Jensen finally found the energy to drag himself out of bed.  Stretching his arms over his head, he grimaced at the tension in his side.  He just felt…off.  He didn’t feel sick per say but his body felt tight and achy.  Stretching again, he ran a hand over his face and tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

Nothing if not set in his ways, Jensen wasn’t going to let this discomfort sway him from his morning run.  After brushing his teeth and splashing some cold water on his face, he tugged on a pair of running shorts, t-shirt, socks and sneakers.  He _really_ didn’t feel like running, which is exactly why he forced himself.

He must have looked as off as he felt because when he came downstairs Jared was looking at him with an unreadable expression as he sat at their kitchen table drinking coffee.

“Morning.”  Ignoring his husband’s look, Jensen snagged a piece of toast from his plate.

“Good morning.  You slept late.”  Jared sat back in his chair and took a deliberately slow sip of his coffee.  “Feeling okay?”

“No, yeah, I’m okay.”  Swallowing his mouthful of toast, Jensen shrugged.  “I’m just feeling kind of…I dunno…I have this cramp in my middle.  It’s fine.  I am going to go for a run and stretch it out.”

“Uhh huh.”

Jensen raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“Nothing.”  Jared gave a shrug of his own and grabbed his last piece of toast before Jensen could.

Frowning at Jared, Jensen rocked back on his heels.  “Bull shit ‘nothing’.  Why do you look so proud of yourself?”  Jensen poured himself a glass of orange juice and practically downed the whole thing in one gulp.

“Nothing, really.  Just, I’m sure that is all it is.  You’re probably just achy from lounging around in be all morning.  Go for your run.”  Jared’s shoulders bounced up in emphasis before he stood up from the table to clear his plates.

“I will.”  Almost childish, Jensen's retort sunded like he had to prove that he could make decisions for himself.  Something in his husband’s voice was off earlier, almost like Jared didn’t believe running would help.  Running _always_ helped.  “So, yeah, I’m going.”  He grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator and turned around to face Jared.

“Good, okay.”

Jensen had just grabbed the small wallet he always took with him when he went running and shoved it in his pocket when he felt Jared smirking over his shoulder.  “Jay, what?  What is it that you _clearly_ know and I don’t?”

Sighing, Jared leaned against the counter.  “I don’t know anything you don’t already know.  You’re just not paying attention.”

“To you?”  Jensen raised an eyebrow and gave Jared a sideways glance.

“To the date.”  Pointing to the calendar hanging near their phone, Jared spoke clearly, “today is the first of June.”

Giving the calendar a brief glance, Jensen couldn’t believe where the time went.    He felt like it had just been May, and he couldn’t believe he had forgotten April so quickly, with all the doctor’s visits, and the ovulation tests and the sex….oh.  “Oh!”  His eyes popped wide for a moment.  “It’s June.”

“There’s the light bulb.”  Jared let out a laugh as he watched Jensen count backwards in his head.  “Yeah, so it is June.  You know…”

“Don’t finish that thought.”  Jensen shook his head.  “You’ve been counting days…”

“Yeah, and you haven’t.”

Truthfully, Jensen hadn’t.  It was stupid considering how diligent he had been in the beginning of their newfound plan to get him pregnant.  But then he started freaking out with over thinking their plan and he put it on the back burner.  He thought his brain would remind him again at a reasonable time to take a pregnancy test, but his brain must have hit the snooze button a few too many times.  “I’m just sore, that’s all.  I’m sure it’s nothing.  I’m sure it has nothing to do with _June_.”

“Or it has everything to do with _June_.”  Jared’s smile softened.  “Jen, you should take a test.”

As of late, Jensen wasn’t a stranger to tests or all sorts, only the test Jared was referring to was the type of test that started with a capital ‘T’ in his mind.  It was The Test.  It was the one that would determine how they played out the rest of this plan.

Stupidly, he didn’t want to take it.  A negative pregnancy test held the potential to break Jared’s heart like the plethora that followed before it.  A positive one opened a new can of worms filled with potential resentment on Jared’s part and an anxiety attack on Jensen’s.

Defenses flying into place immediately, Jensen pulled himself straight.  “I don’t think I need to take a test.  I don’t feel any different.”

“Oh, really?  And how exactly does ‘barely pregnant’ feel?” Jared quipped.

“Well…I…”  Jensen let out a huff of air. 

Jared cut him off.  “I think you’re pregnant, Jen.”

Letting out a surprised snort, the words hit Jensen hard enough for him to take a step back.  “You’re certainly confident in yourself.”

“Well, yeah.   And in you as well.  I’m confident in you trying to make me happy.”  Jared didn’t move, he simply held his ground and smiled at Jensen.

The shock at Jared’s accusation melted away and Jensen saw his husband, who looked very much like he wanted to comfort him.  He wanted to say that he _is_ going to make Jared happy but what came out was a weak, “we only tried once.”

“You don’t need more than once.  And technically it was three times.”   Jared stepped forward and ran a hand along Jensen’s forearm.  “Hey, Jen…it’s okay. Either way, it’s okay.”

“I…Jare, I just…I just don’t know how this is all going to work out.  All I know is that I feel really off and I want to go for a run because a run make sense.  A run I can handle right now.”

“Okay.”  Nodding, Jared curled his fingers in Jensen’s palm before he let his hand fall away.

“Okay.”  Jensen stepped forward and pressed a kiss to Jared’s cheek.  “So I’m going to go for a run.  And when I get back – “

“I’ll be here.”

“Okay, good.”  Jensen hesitated, bouncing on the balls of his feet before he gave a nervous smile and escaped into the warm morning air.  It felt good to hit the pavement and to clear his headspace for a while.  Jared was filling up too much of it but there was something else there, something little and growing and he couldn’t put his finger on exactly what it was.

He ran for a while, well over three miles, before he ran in place to figure out what path his subconscious had set him on. 

He was near town.  The houses of his development were fading away to small shops and a breakfast nook where he and Jared were known on a first name basis.  Stopping to contemplate all this, he realized he was close enough to stop into the small corner store to buy a pregnancy test and be home within an hour of his departure.

In a fit of insanity when he was released from the hospital after his hysterectomy, Jared had thrown away any tests they had stored in their house.  There were no tests on hand more helpful than an ovulation predictor at the current moment.

Which was why Jensen bought a pregnancy test….or five.

***************

When Jensen got home, he was already aware that he was going to act like an idiot.  He had been in uncharted territory for far too long and maybe he should have been getting used to it, but he wasn’t.  It still felt odd.

He and Jared had built their lives on certain elements of each other’s personality.  Jensen had always hated the part of his anatomy that enabled him to have children, so it was unnerving how much they were both trying to embrace that part now.  You can’t stop hating a part of you in two months after a lifetime of resentment.

It felt foolish and immature and Jensen thought that maybe he needed some psychological help, but thinking about those parts working inside of him and potentially nurturing an embryo gave him the chills.  It wasn’t at all warm and fuzzy and it definitely didn’t make a smile come to his face.

Those parts’ only saving grace was the fact that they were the same parts able to put their marriage back together, to put a smile on Jared’s face, to put their dreams back on the path to completion. 

Jensen’s mind swam with the ideas that those parts could simultaneously terrify and heal.  Getting pregnant would be like his body betraying and obeying him in one calculated action.

So before he even returned from his run, Jensen knew he was going to act like an idiot about the fact that he bought five pregnancy tests.  He knew he was going to act even more ridiculous when he had to take said pregnancy test.

He never pictured his life turning out the way it did.  The Jared part, the exceedingly happy marriage part, he predicted.  The job part, working in a field he loved with steady employment, he knew he worked his ass off to ensure getting.  But the getting pregnant part?  That part wasn’t how he thought he would spend his thirties.  He’d never tell Jared any of this; Jared was hurting enough.  Jensen was pretty sure Jared never pictured his life including the barren part, the infertile part, the lacking organs part.  All in all, Jared seemed to have gotten the harder to deal with side of the issue and Jensen never planned on complaining about that.  That would be plain selfish.

He freaked out when he got home and Jared wasn’t around.  He somehow figured Jared would be sitting in the exact place where he left him to help take his focus off the bag in his hands, which was presumptuous of him.  Jared _had_ said he would be there when he got home.  But Jared was a big boy, he could change plans if he wanted, despite the fact that that change was making Jensen’s gut bottom out for some reason.

Had he been there, Jared would probably hassle him about the bag to the point of annoyance, so much so that he would be able to forget the nervous nausea threatening to overpower him.  But Jared was gone, probably walking the dog, who was also missing from her usual lazy place on the couch.

Instead, Jensen fidgeted.  He left the bag on the counter, walked away from it, and then came back to stare at it like it had its own agenda.

Cursing, he grabbed the bag and brought it into the bathroom with him, leaving it in the furthest corner of the room while he showered.  It sat there invading his thoughts while he let the hot water try and sooth the cramping in his middle and the soreness still spanning his body.  Under the spray of water, Jensen tried to take things one step at a time but his hands brushed his abdomen and his mind went wild with the idea that _maybe_ there was something growing inside him.  The thought caused him to jerk his hands away like his middle was on fire and touching it was like waiting to get hurt.  Falling back against the tile wall, Jensen wasn’t sure what he would do with a negative test result just as much as a positive result.

Jared’s voice made its way into the bathroom, alerting Jensen that, yes, Jared was home.  So was Daisy, who he was pretty certain didn’t go walk herself.

It’s enough to make him sigh and throw open the sliding shower door.  Soaked to the bone and water dripping from wet spikes of flattened hair, he stepped out of the shower and drowned the tile floor in water.  He grabbed the bag and took out two tests, ripping both boxes open with frantic messy tearing.  He didn’t have to read the instructions, he’d done this one too many times with Jared and he knew how they worked.  Not that peeing, waiting, reading was all that difficult.

He wasn’t sure if he was shaking because he was cold and wet or because he was nervous, but he could barely hold his hand steady enough to pee on the two tests.  His fist was wound so tightly around them that he thought he might crack the plastic.  Eventually, he did what he needed to do and put them both face up on the counter.

The room was empty and too crowded all at the same time.  He couldn’t escape the stifling feeling of waiting for the tests to react.  Heart going a million miles a minute in his chest, he paced in a circle and tried to breathe.  It wouldn’t help much if he passed out before he even read the test results.

He was naked in their bathroom and alone; it felt wrong and yet he couldn’t stop himself from overreacting and taking the tests the minute he decided he was going to do it.  He wasn’t aware of how stupid he must look standing there, dripping water on everything and almost slipping on the newly wet floor.  That didn’t matter.

What suddenly mattered was that he had to read the test results and Jared wasn’t there and he didn’t know if that was okay.

Closing his eyes, Jensen still didn’t know the right answer but he knew he needed Jared.  He was man enough to admit that.  He’d been worried about Jared for so long, concerned about what would make Jared happy that he almost forgot it was a two way street.  Jared was there for him too, he was stronger than anyone else he knew.

Throwing the bathroom door open, he yelled loud enough that he knew his voice would carry to whatever part of the house Jared was inhabiting.  “Jare!?”

He must have yelled louder and sounded more shaky than he thought because when Jared appeared at the bathroom, his eyes were wide with concern and his chest was rising and falling rapidly for the same reason.

“Jen?  What is it?  You okay?”  He stood stock still as he surveyed the area, taking in Jensen’s shivering form and the puddles building underneath him.  “Jensen?  What’s wrong?”

Swallowing heavily, Jensen blinked a few times in silence.  Jared was looking at him like he just lost his mind, and he very well may have because he was acting crazy.  He was naked and panicked and god knew what Jared was probably thinking.  Pointing to the tests, he waited for Jared’s eyes to follow his gesture.  “I took two tests.”

Jared came down from his concern but just enough for him to still come off as antsy.  “Oh, Jen, you – “

“I need you to read them for me.  I…I can’t.”  Jensen wrung his hands before running one through his hair and giving a nervous laugh.  “I can’t.  Can you?  Because I…”

“Hey, shhh,” Jared walked into the room and ran a hand over Jensen’s shoulder.  “You’re freezing.”  Turning around, he grabbed a towel from the caddy over the toilet and draped it over Jensen’s shoulders.  “I’ll read them, okay?”  Cupping Jensen’s cheek, he tipped his head forward and touched his forehead to Jensen’s.

“I just…”  Jensen sighed and closed his eyes, keeping his connection with Jared.  “Either result…it’s okay, right?”

Jared didn’t answer right away.  He chewed on the inside of his lip and tried to sort through his emotions enough to come up with an answer.  “Yeah.  Either way.”

“Ok.”  Jensen pulled away then and looked at Jared before placing his hands on Jared’s hips and physically turning him towards the pregnancy tests.  “Now read them.”

Jensen didn’t watch Jared’s reaction when he picked up the tests, but he couldn’t miss the sharp intake of air.

“Are you kidding me?”  Jared’s voice rose in pitch, sounding shocked as much as hurt.

“What?”

“One time, Jen.  One time and you’re pregnant.”  Turning both tests to face Jensen, Jared’s eyes were wide.  “They’re both positive.”

“Oh my god…”  Jensen’s hand flew to his mouth, pressing in so firmly that it bordered on the edge of being painful.

Jared let out a crazy laugh.  “Seriously…it takes me months and it takes you a day.  That…that’s kind of insane.”  There was a weird war of looking happy and looking betrayed going on across Jared’s face.  Old wounds ripped open and it was all put on display in his eyes.  It looked like it almost hurt to be excited when he clearly hadn’t found enough closure for his own issues.  His hand shook slightly and he moved his mouth in wordless sentences and waited for Jensen to do something.

What Jensen did was something neither man expected.  His chest heaved slightly in a gag and he bent forward, still pressing his hand to his mouth.  Eyes wide, he scrambled towards the toilet and flipped the lid up just in time to retch into the bowl, his stomach rebelling and emptying its contents in a violent shudder.  The towel fell to the floor, leaving him naked and shuddering, stomach hitching and tensing as the nausea finally won out and he vomited.

Whatever conflict Jared was dealing with disappeared in an instant.  He was beside Jensen so quickly that his husband barely recognized his movement across the room.  Kneeling beside Jensen, he ran a hand across his back.  Shushing and stroking, Jared held Jensen up, supporting his weight in the best way he could.  “Jensen, it’s okay.  It’s great.  It’s amazing.”  He pressed a kiss to Jensen’s shoulder.

Jensen didn’t feel okay, great, or amazing.  He felt completely lost.  He didn’t have a game plan for what happened when the test came up positive and he hadn’t expected that wounded quality in Jared’s voice.  He tried to look at his husband but couldn’t because he felt another wave of nausea hitting him and he coughed, gagged, and spit the rest of his breakfast into the toilet.  He felt nervous all over, and _oh my god there was a baby inside of him_ and that baby was going to grow.  In him.  Because of him.

Jensen threw up again.  It was barely more than a dry heave but he couldn’t stop himself.

Jared was right beside him, saying things he couldn’t hear anymore but they sounded soothing and Jared seemed like a functional working Jared again.  He was smiling and reassuring, and...and mostly smiling.

Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Jensen sat back on his heels.  He licked his lips and turned towards Jared.  “We’re pregnant.”  The words were deliberate.  He’d picked them out a while ago as a way to cope with why he was willing to carry their baby.  It wasn’t just a one person endeavor, there was a ‘we’ involved.

“Yeah, we are.”

“Oh…god…”  Jensen shuddered and fell back on his ass, falling against the bathroom wall.

He felt like his insides were trembling even though he was trying his hardest to be strong.  Being strong was a deep seated instinct and his inability to latch onto that strength was making him look like a deer in headlights.  He was naked and freezing, probably looked like a complete wreck, and he just found out he was pregnant.  It was not a movie moment, and it wasn’t perfect, but now they knew and Jared was still smiling so maybe it would be okay.

Still, he looked like shit.  He felt like shit too.  And there was no way they were ever telling their kid how they found out he or she existed.

Never.

************

It turned out, confirming he was actually pregnant was almost exactly like finding out he was pregnant.

It was a shit show.

He sat in a sterile paper gown, which wasn’t doing a passable job of disguising his nudity underneath, on a sterile examination table and shifted his weight from side to side, crumpling the paper drawn across where he was sitting.

In Jensen’s mind, the whole appointment was pointless.  He knew how the afternoon was going to turn out.  After the first two pregnancy tests he took came up positive, he pulled himself together enough to take the other three he had purchased.

They’d all given the same results.

This appointment with Dr. Lerner was more of a formality, something the doctor insisted on before he recommended Jensen to an obstetrician.  Technically, as an androcologist, Dr. Lerner could handle most of the early pregnancy appointments, but he’s told Jensen he would rather his patient start seeing an obstetrician sooner rather than later, since that person would most likely be delivering their baby and be on the more intimate side of things.  It was better to forge that relationship now than to get thrown into it at the tail end of his pregnancy. 

His pregnancy.  The one that very much existed now.

He looked at Jared and found that his husband appeared unsure of what to do with himself.  He looked as out of place and awkward in the room as Jensen felt.  Suddenly, Jensen felt way to exposed and vulnerable; it was awkward letting that part of him take over.  Jared didn’t know how to react to that.  Jensen had been vulnerable in front of him, sure, but never to this extent and never about something Jared couldn’t understand – at least not on the level Jensen was feeling it.

When Dr. Lerner knocked on the door and re-entered the exam room, he was wearing a surprised expression.  Closing the door behind him, he turned to face Jared and Jensen.  “So, you’re definitely pregnant.”

“You sure?”  Jensen wrung his hands.

“Absolutely positive, which is what all you test results are as well.” The doctor put Jensen’s medical files down and gave his patient a smile.

Jensen took three deep breaths before he scrambled off the examination table, insecurities about the paper gown expositing too much clearly forgotten.  He grabbed the small waste bin in the corner of the room and proceeded to vomit.  His brain already knew he was pregnant but now Dr. Lerner did too.  And then more people would know.  And…it was just too much.  Since he’d found out he was pregnant, his nerves had never truly given up their hold on his gut, making it almost too easy for him to lapse into his most recent bout of retching.

“Jensen!”  Jared was at Jensen’s side in seconds, crouching down and running a soothing hand across his back.  “Shh…”

Dr. Lerner raised a concerned eyebrow.  “Jensen, are you okay? I didn’t –“

“He’s fine.  He did this at home too.”  Jared gave the doctor an apologetic smile before turning back to his still gagging husband.  “Shh, Jen, let it out.”

“He’s that excited, huh?”  The doctor’s sarcasm was thick and he pondered Jensen’s reaction.

“You have no idea.”  Jared reached up and grabbed a handful of tissues and offered them to Jensen to wipe his mouth.  Jensen dry heaved one more time but nothing came up and he stood bent over, hands braced on his knees as he tried to compose himself.

Studying the pair for a moment, Dr. Lerner let out a knowing hum.  “Morning sickness?”

The suggestion hit Jensen and he froze.  It turned his stomach and made his skin feel like it was crawling.  For some reason the idea of suffering through morning sickness, of losing control of his body’s ability to react normally, to basically be giving control of everything to a tiny embryo growing inside him and hormones he never thought he would be drowning in, was downright terrifying. 

At that moment, things became clearer.  Not wanting to be pregnant mostly steamed from being afraid of losing control.  It was something he had always worked hard to ensure he had.  Since he could remember he had been in control of his destiny and his life and then their plans to have a family came in and derailed everything.  From Jared’s miscarriages to this new pregnancy, he had absolutely no control.

It made him vomit all over again, knuckles turning white as they held the waste bin in a death grip.  “No, not morning sickness….just….”  Jensen coughed and spit to clear his mouth.  “Just…god… _everything_.”  He felt dizzy and gagged one last time.

He was barely five weeks pregnant and he was already losing his grip on functioning like a respectable man.   Instead, he was throwing up in the corner of an exam room, his doctor not quite sure what to make of him and Jared not quite sure what to do with him.

*********

After the nightmare of a prenatal appointment with Dr. Lerner, Jensen was sure his doctor was happy to hand him off to a new doctor.  The man didn’t seem to know how to make heads or tails out of Jensen’s reaction to being pregnant.

Jensen had no idea what to make of it as well.  He hadn’t expected to throw up again, not like that.  He had been planning on hearing the words “you’re pregnant” and reacting like a normal person.  He was supposed to be happy about those words.

Throwing up didn’t quite scream happy.

Not that Jensen wasn’t happy, because he was.  It was just a distorted kind of murky happiness.  He was happy but he was selfishly worried about what being pregnant would do to his brain and his body.  It made him almost want to throw up again.

Only, this time he wouldn’t.  This time he would hold it together.  Jared had been looking at him, afraid to break the silence and send Jensen’s weak stomach into another vomit-fest.  He gave his best attempt at smiling, not being completely successful and landing him somewhere between looking insane and petrified. 

They were sitting in a new office with more posters of the baby making parts that Jensen used to pretend didn’t exist in his own body.  Conveniently, Dr. Carlson’s office was in the same practice as Dr. Lerner’s and after Jensen continued to stay huddled near the garbage in Dr. Lerner’s exam room, the androcologist decided to call in the troops earlier than expected and shipped Jensen off to Dr. Carlson.

So Jensen sat on another examination table, this one with handy dandy fucking intimidating stirrups, and wore another paper gown.  He was concentrating so hard on not throwing up that the door opening made him almost launch into the air.

His eyes went to the source of noise and he found a smiling petite brunette woman in her thirties.  She grabbed the waste bin by the door and brought it with her as she approached Jensen.  “Hi.  I’m Dr. Carlson.  You must be Jared.”  She stuck out a hand towards Jared and gave a quick handshake.  “And you,”  she smiled at Jensen, “must be Jensen.  I’ve been told you might need this.”  She dropped the waste bin on his lap before offering a him a hand.

Jensen blinked several times and stared at the small pail on his lap.  He tentatively took her hand and shook it.  “So, I see my reputation precedes me.”

“Yeah, I’ve been warned about the throwing up thing.  Want to give it a practice run?”  She put a hand on her hip and didn’t give Jensen a chance to respond.  “You’re pregnant.”  She waited a minute and when Jensen didn’t react, she repeated herself.  “You’re pregnant.”

“Yeah.  I’m pregnant.”  Jensen licked his lips.

“Hey! Look, no throw up.  That’s progress!”  Dr. Carlson smiled and took the waste bin back into her hands.  “So, you think we are okay without this?”

“Yeah, I….yeah.”  Jensen shifted, embarrassed that this poor woman was already worried about him spending the entire appointment retching into another garbage pail.

“Good.”  She put the pail on the floor and flipped open the medical files Dr. Lerner had sent up to her.  “So, Dr. Lerner did all the basic stuff an hour ago, blood pressure, weight, took some blood…all that stuff.  It’s all good so far, but we have to wait a little while on the blood test results.”  She hummed to herself as she ran through his chart.  “I’ve got a feeling those aren’t the parts you’ve been freaking out about.”

“I’m not _freaking out_.  I’m just…”  Jensen didn’t know how to continue.

“Hey, it’s okay to freak out.  You have another person living inside of you.  Trust me, it is like biology’s weird way of reenacting _Alien_.  It’s worthy of freaking out about, at least a little.  But basically, this is how this is going to work:  It's your job to stay pregnant and take care of that little alien.  It's my job to make sure you know how to do that and to help you stay healthy.  It’s a partnership.  So, if you don’t throw up on me, I think we’ll be fine.”  She smiled, showing off how much faith she had in her patient.  “Trust me, discomfort and panic attacks have never lost me a patient.  You got yourself pregnant.  No big deal.  You’re still you, you just have an added passenger.  I’m going to put you through some things that will probably make you feel uncomfortable, but you look like you can handle it.  It’s not going to be pretty, and not all of it is going to be fun, but we’ll make sure you get a healthy baby out of all of this and I’ve been told that is a pretty sweet deal.”

Jensen didn’t know how to respond.  Dr. Carlson spoke so matter of factly, like nothing was a big deal, like him being pregnant was totally normal.   She didn’t sugar coat and she didn’t talk about being pregnant as magical or flowery.  She didn’t bull shit.  She got right to the point and Jensen liked her immediately.  Dr. Lerner had told him she was a little quirky, but he thought she would be the perfect doctor for Jensen.  So far, he had been right.  For the first time, he smiled and wasn’t afraid that when he spoke he was going to end up throwing himself into losing his lunch again.  “Sounds good….I mean, not the being uncomfortable part, but the having a healthy baby part.  That sounds good.”

“Good!”  Dr. Carlson clapped Jensen on the shoulder.  “So, let’s get started with the really uncomfortable part.”  She put Jensen’s file down and pretended to be meeting Jensen again for the first time.  “Hi, I’m Dr. Carlson.  I’ve just met you and I know this is a little forward of me but now I need to get acquainted with what is going on between your legs.  So, can you swing around towards the stirrups?”  When Jensen stayed frozen in place, she laughed and shook her head.  “They won’t bite.  I promise.  And I’ll be as gentle as possible.”

Jensen nodded as he shifted and scooted down near the end of the examination table where Dr. Carlson intended to do business.  He let her lift his legs into the stirrups even though he was perfectly capable of doing that part on his own; only, his legs seemed static and he was freezing.  Exposed like that, Jensen had to fight very hard against the urge to cement his knees together in order to let his legs fall open.  He covered both eyes with the palms of his hands and groaned.  Jared ran a hand though his hair and Jensen turned towards the motion, mumbling under his breath.  “This is embarrassing…”

If Dr. Carlon heard him, she didn’t acknowledge it.  She ran down everything she was going to do and why in layman’s terms.  Her voice was still calm and so straightforward that Jensen started to feel stupid about being so worked up about things.  But then her fingers were inside him, and she told him she was checking the size of his uterus and pelvis and he wanted to curl into a ball.  She pushed down on his middle with her free hand, gently enough that it didn’t hurt but firmly enough that it sent the wind out of him.  She was inside of him for so long, searching and making little “hmm” noises in thought, that Jensen swore Jared had never been that thorough.  They were way to far up inside him and he tensed involuntarily.  Even though he was trying to remain calm enough to get through this part, he heard her telling him to relax his muscles and Jared was still stroking his hair.  Jared's gesture would have usually been instantly calming, it was like his secret weapon to turning Jensen into a boneless heap of husband, but the doctor was pushing down again and he couldn’t stop the gasp from coming out of his mouth.   He was absolutely positive that the doctor could draw an accurate road map to his insides by the time she finally pulled out her gloved fingers.

He didn’t have time to be glad it was over because she was back inside him again with something more mechanical.  She was still talking about what she was doing but Jared seemed to be the only one listening.  Jensen was far away, picturing the minute where he could have the safety of underwear and jeans to shield him.  Jared was talking to her, asking questions, questions Jensen should probably care about, but he trusted his husband enough to deal with the parts of this exam that required brain power.

Dr. Carlson took a culture of his insides just to make sure everything was still okay.  It didn’t matter that Dr. Lerner just took one two months ago and all his test results came out perfect.  She still needed to do it.  It was quick enough and when she pulled out the speculum, she was still smiling.

“Looks good.  Great, even.  There is just one more thing…”  Her smile twitched sympathetically.  “I need to get a look at the embryo and see where it attached to the uterus.  Your chart said your husband had a history of ectopic pregnancies,” she gave Jared a sad nod of condolence, “and I think we should be on the safe side and see what is going on.”

“Okay.”  Jensen looked up at the doctor with an awkward reach of his neck.  It was difficult to see her clearly over the paper drawn across his spread legs.

“So, I’m just going to do an internal ultrasound.  There isn’t going to be much to see, just your uterus and the gestational sac, but it will rule out ectopic pregnancies.  I just want to err on the side of caution.  Dr. Lerner says you’re about five weeks pregnant.  Are you sure on that date?”

Both men answered in sync.  “Yes.”

“Okay, that’s good.  I should be able to see something at five weeks.”  She held up a probe that looked to Jensen too much like a vibrator he’d brought home one day.  From the way the doctor was looking at him, like he might scamper off the table, he realized the vibrator was probably a lot more fun than the next five minutes were going to be; at least Jared seemed to have liked the vibrator.  They wore its little motor out and – oh my god Jensen couldn’t believe he was thinking about having sex with Jared when he was about to let a stranger stick something phallic inside him.

“So…that goes inside...”  Jensen swallowed and licked his lips.

“Yeah.”  She covered the transducer with a condom and gel and held it up for Jensen to see.  “I’m just going to press it up against your cervix.  You’ll feel some pressure, but it won’t hurt.”  Stopping to study Jensen she put the transducer down on the sterile tool tray.  “Do we need this again?”  In a quick motion, she bent down at the waist and held the garbage pail up towards Jensen.

Jensen wasn’t sure what to answer.  He knew he probably looked pale and if he thought about it too hard, he would throw up.  On the underbelly of his discomfort was a fear that something was already drastically wrong with this pregnancy.  The fear of being responsible for another one of Jared’s let downs was worse than any other thought running through his mind.  Closing his eyes, he shook his head from side to side.  “No.  I’m okay.  Let’s just get this over with.”

“Ok.”  Her smile back in place, she nodded before turning to Jared.  “Maybe you should hang onto this…just in case.”

“Yeah, sure.  Good idea.”  Jared tried to laugh it off as a joke but the suggestion wasn’t too farfetched.  He took the pail in one hand before Jensen reached out and squeezed down on his other.  He looked just as surprised by Jensen’s search for support as Jensen did, and he intertwined his fingers with Jensen’s as Dr. Carlson got the transducer into position.

Jensen grunted when he felt the pressure butting up against what he assumed must be his cervix.  Trying not to squirm of wiggle, he went completely motionless, almost frozen in the moment as he felt Dr. Carlson manipulate the probe.  It didn’t hurt and had way less of a burn than anal sex, but it was awkward and very sold inside of him.

There was what felt like an hour of complete silence before Dr. Carlon “mm’s” and locates her target.  “There.”  She used her free hand to point to something on the screen she had positioned so that all three of them could see it.  “That’s the gestational sac.  The embryo is too young yet to detect a heartbeat so don’t worry about that, but there it is.  It’s safely placed on the uterine lining.  You two did good.”

Jensen tried to prop up on his elbows and it shifted the probe uncomfortably inside him.  “That…that’s inside me?”  He looked at the screen and couldn’t figure out what he was looking at.  It was swirls of black and grey with more static looking swirls involved.  It all looked the same.  But there was this little splotch of dark, this tiny almost negligible variation, that Dr. Carlson was pointing to.

Dr. Carlson laughed before recognizing the conflicting emotions washing over Jensen’s face.  “Yeah.  It’s very safely inside of you.  Don’t worry.  Everything looks great so far.”

Jensen turned towards Jared.  “That’s inside of me.”

“Yeah, Jen.  It is.”  Jared winced as Jensen’s hand squeezed more tightly around his own.

Heart rate spiking, Jensen pushed into an awkward sitting position the moment the doctor removed the probe.  He grabbed the small garbage from Jared and threw up the meager amounts of bile his stomach had managed to produce since his last encounter with nausea.  There was a thing with no detectable heartbeat inside him and he wasn’t supposed to worry.  Did the doctor understand how crazy that thought sounded?  The was a thing that didn’t look like much of a thing inside him and it was “great”.  And it was there.  And it was real.  And now he had to turn his world upside down to give it a chance of having a heartbeat and hands and feet and – Jensen dry heaved again.

Dr.  Carlson came to stand beside Jared.  “This isn’t usually the reaction I get when I tell people everything is great.”

“Yeah…well…You haven’t really met Jensen yet.”  Jared sighed and let his husband get whatever he needed to get out.

“I have a feeling you two aren’t going to be filling a lot of the norms.” 

“You’d be right.”  Jared shook his head in anticipation of the ride they were about to go on and gave a smile.

“The sounds good to me.  I like a challenge.  And I don’t usually follow the norms myself.”  She stuck out a hand to reintroduce herself to Jared.  “Call me Ali.”  As they shook hands, she took a look at Jensen still battling it out with the garbage.  “He’s going to be fine, by the way.”

“I know…I mean, I think I know.”  Jared gave a nervous glance at his husband before giving a pleading look to Ali.  “I need him to know that too.”

“He will.  Give him time.”  Ali shrugged, “At least he made it through most of the appointment _and_ he didn’t throw up on either of us.”

“That is probably more of an accomplishment than you realize.  You didn’t see him earlier.”

“News travels fast here.  I realize how much of an accomplishment that is.”  She glanced at Jensen, still lost in his own panic attack.  “He looks like he might need a minute.  You wanna go over some of the diet and activity restrictions?  I prefer to tell both parents but I don’t know if he can handle much more right now.”

“Yeah, okay…I mean…I know a lot of them.  Used to be pregnant and all.”  Jared’s last words came out like wounds and Dr. Carlson steered clear of them with an abrupt subject change.

“Looks like the baby is due on February 14th.  Valentine's Day.  That's a cute day."

"Cute?"  The news of a pinpointed due date left Jared speechless.

With lack of response to Jared, Ali continued, "So, food restrictions.  Cold cuts are what most people complain about giving up.  Does Jensen eat a lot of them?”

“Loves them.”

“Oh, I _do not_ envy you right now.”

Jared could only respond with an earnest smile while he ran his hand over Jensen’s back.  “You should, because he’s amazing, ridiculous penchant for vomiting and all.”

*************

Jensen woke up in the middle of the night.  His heart wasn’t pounding and he didn’t remember having a dream or nightmare; he just woke up to the pitch black room and Jared snoozing next to him.

His brain was exhausted from the day and the doctors’ appointments and then Jared’s reiteration of what Dr. Carlson, who had somehow become Ali along the way, had told him.

Apparently cold cuts and sushi were out, with a bunch of other dietary restrictions that Jensen thought were completely ridiculous.  But running was still in.  For that, Jensen was thankful.  He needed running.  It was his _thing_.  It was the one thing that belonged solely to him.  Jared never liked it much and Jensen realized that wasn’t so terrible.  Their marriage thrived when they had their own outlets.

He had been a complete ass at the doctors.  He knew he came off as an ungrateful completely over dramatic patient.  But the news he just received thoroughly rocked his world.

The thought that maybe Jared didn’t understand how he was feeling molded into fear.  He never wanted Jared to feel like getting pregnant was something that he was unhappy about.

He wasn’t unhappy. 

At least he thought he wasn’t.

He was just having a hard time finding a marriage between pregnancy and his body.

It was weird.  Jared had to understand that.

Sitting up in bed, he turned towards Jared and shook him gently.  “Jare?”  Shaking a little more forcefully, he got his husband to turn over and face him, one of Jared’s eyes slowly opening and peaking at him.  “Jared, wake up.”

The command was like a bullet to Jared’s brain and he woke up shooting his head in all directions, searching for signs of alarm.  “Jen?  What?  What is it?”

Jensen suddenly felt guilty for waking his husband so impulsively.  “Nothing.  Nothing baby.  I just…I need to talk to you.”

“You okay?”  Jared got his hands on Jensen and stroked down his arms.

“Yes.  I’m fine.  I’m good.  I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“You didn’t.  I mean, you did, but…it’s okay.”  Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Jared yawned.  He glanced at the clock on their bedside table.  “What is so urgent that you had to wake me up at 4:24 in the morning?”

The words spilled out of Jensen’s mouth in one puff of air.  “Are we okay, Jared?”

“Huh?”

“After today…after I…after I was completely ridiculous and embarrassing and a sorry excuse for being your husband, are we okay?”

“Jen, what are you talking about?”

“I…I just…I don’t know.  I’m not supposed to fall apart.  I’m not.  I’m supposed to hold it together for you.  Not that you can’t do that yourself.  You always have.  But…I’m not used to going to pieces like that in front of so many people.  I was trying to hold it together for you but I just couldn’t.  And then the throwing up happened and….I just…”

Jared shut him up with a kiss.  It wasn’t sexual but it was a reminder of the connection they shared.  “Shut up.  Jensen, never say that!  You can fall apart.  I can take care of you too.  You know that.  Let me take care of you, okay?  You don’t have to always be strong for me.  I love that you are but it is okay to be human and scared and out of your comfort zone.”

Jensen snorted.  “I don’t like being out of my comfort zone.”

With a laugh, Jared ran his hands over Jensen’s back.  “That is why it is called ‘out of your comfort zone’, it is pretty much defined as not being comfortable.”

“Smart ass.”  Jensen nudged Jared with his shoulder.  He rubbed a hand over his face and went serious.  “Jay?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m pregnant.”

Jared laughed and cupped Jensen’s face.  “Yeah, I know, Jen.”

“No, but, _I’m_ pregnant.”

“ _I_ know.”

“We’re going to have a baby.”

“That’s the idea.”

“And it’s crazy.  This is crazy.  This is…”  Jensen went quiet for a moment.  “I need you to know that I am really happy about this.  I may not have shown it today, but I’m really happy.  After all my reservations I didn’t know how I would feel, but I want this.  I wanted the test to be positive and I wanted the doctors to say everything was fine.  I was so afraid that they wouldn’t and I couldn’t let myself just be happy.  And now I can.  And I am…and, fuck, I love you Jared.”  Jensen knocked their foreheads together and took a deep breath.

Jared took a similar breath and smiled at his husband.  “You know I love you too.  And I knew you were scared.  I was too.  But, god Jensen, that is a relief to hear.  I had no idea what you were thinking.  I didn’t know if you hated me or if you thought we made a mistake.  You looked so damn miserable I had no idea what being pregnant meant for us.  And I felt guilty being happy and I felt guilty thinking it might not be a good thing.  And then I felt guilty because some sick part of me resented that you weren’t happy when I was _dying_ to be in your place.”  Jared took a shaky breath and continued.  “But now you’re telling me you are happy and now I _know_ you are.  And that is all I need to hear.  Because…I’m fucking happy Jensen.  And I love you so much,  and you’re so amazing.   And you better wipe that ‘what have we gotten ourselves into’ look off your face.” Jared grabbed his hands. “You’re having _my_ baby.”

“Yeah.  I am.  It has no heartbeat and it might be an alien…”

“Shut up.”  Jared punched Jensen but let out a rush of air when Jensen pushed him to the mattress.

In a flash, Jensen covered Jared’s body with his own, slotting their legs and rutting against each other.  Jared made those moans Jensen always loved to hear and eventually their mouths made quick work of helping each other fall apart.

In the darkness of the room, Jensen didn’t need lights to work Jared the way he’d long been familiar with.  His fingers found their way between Jared’s legs, worked him open and eventually Jared’s legs found their way around Jensen’s hips as the older man lined his slicked up arousal at his entrance.

When Jensen sank inside his husband, everything made more sense.  Being inside Jared was his comfort zone, it was where he belonged.  In the bed where they both belonged, Jensen proved to Jared that he could be strong.

And when Jared moaned that he needed it, that only Jensen could give it to him, Jensen let himself be exceedingly happy.

There were things going on inside him, weird, black blob of an embryo things, that would make him feel uncomfortable.  He hadn’t loved what Jared said about feeling guilty and resentment, but the underlying message was that Jared s on board.  With Jared’s tight heat around him, he realized it was okay to be happy about those things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope this came out okay and Jensen wasn't too much of a diva. Hopefully he will get over it and find some happy medium and where he can be a manly pregnant man. (LOL at that idea)


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, h/c, mpreg!Jensen, vomiting  
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> AMAZING banner and betaing by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.

Jensen felt the matress dip as Jared climbed into bed.  It wasn’t late but Jensen had already been dozing for a half hour while Jared decided to take a shower before bed.  Apparently, too exhausted to stay awake in wait for his husband, Jensen fell asleep with the television remote still in his hand.  He woke enough to feel Jared reach over him, grab the remote and turn off the television. 

He snuffled and rolled towards the middle of the bed, immediately feeling the warmth Jared brought with him from the shower.  Jensen brushed his leg against Jared and woke further when he found that his husband was nude.  Thinking about the way Jared felt after a shower, muscles loose and pliant, and the way he smelt like a mix of himself and the shower gel Jensen didn’t use but liked on Jared, made him smile.  He shifted closer, pressing his front against Jared’s back and wrapping an arm around his waist so that he was effectively spooning him.

It was good.  Nuzzling Jared’s neck, Jensen pressed a kiss there before inhaling his husband’s still damp hair.  Only, instead of feeling comforted by the familiar scent of Jared’s shampoo, Jensen’s stomach rolled over.  It hit him so hard that his brain could barely keep up with the change from 'happily sleepy' to 'sick to his stomach'.

“Uggh.”  Jensen scoffed and pulled away.  His world spun momentarily before he realized he needed to throw up.  It made no sense, but he knew it was inevitable and he practically fell out of bed, sheets tangled around his legs, as he tried to make his way towards the bathroom.

“Jen?”

Pressing a hand to his mouth, Jensen gagged.  “Gonna be sick.”

Jensen couldn’t wrap his mind around why it was happening, but the scent of Jared’s hair hit him with a tidal wave of nausea.  He made a sick, wet swallow before shoving away from Jared’s hovering form with more force than necessary.  He sat on the edge of the bed taking deep breaths in an attempt to let his stomach get a hold of itself, but no matter how much he tried, he swore he smelt Jared’s hair on every inhale.

“Shit.”  Closing his eyes, he went pale as his stomach continued to do cartwheels.

“Jensen?”  Hot on his heels, Jared cocked his head at his husband’s strange actions.

Jensen didn’t have time to respond because the nausea won out and he practically threw up on their bedroom floor.  Thankfully, he made it to their bathroom sink, gripping the edges to brace himself as he retched into the basin.

It felt different than being sick in the doctors’ offices and when he’d found out he was pregnant.  It wasn’t nerves making him regurgitate his dinner in a far less appetizing form.  It wasn’t an illness either.  He felt fine.  He couldn’t think straight long enough to figure it out because he was feeling seasick again and everything was making him dizzy.  He widened his stance as heat rushed to his face and he vomited again. 

It felt like he was drowning in the nausea until it dissipated as soon as it hit him.  Pulling upright, he rested his forehead against the coolness of the mirror over the sink, moaning in discomfort over what just happened.  There was pressure against his spine, Jared’s hand rubbing away tension there, and he mumbled into the mirror.  “What the hell shampoo did you use?”

“Shampoo?”  Jared pulled back and ran a hand through his still damp hair.  “The same stuff I always use.”

“No way.   You must have bought the wrong stuff.”  Jensen filled a paper cup with water and swished it around in his mouth before spitting.  “It’s fucking terrible.  You should throw it out.”  He didn’t trust himself to let go of the sink just yet and continued taking calming breaths while facing the mirror.  He saw Jared give him a peculiar stare.

“Jen, it’s the same thing.”

“No, it’s not.”

Jared turned away and grabbed the shampoo out of the shower stall beside the sink.  He turned it towards the mirror so Jensen could see it in the reflection.  “Yes, it is.  See, it's the same thing.”

“Then they packaged it wrong because I usually love the way you smell after a shower.  But right now?  Just thinking about the way your hair smells makes me want to vomit all over again.”  Jensen cupped a hand to his mouth when he realized how true those words were and his stomach heaved.

Jared sighed and put the shampoo down, reaching out to massage the tension building in Jensen’s shoulders.  “It’s not the shampoo.  I think,” he bit his lip nervously before continuing, “you might be experiencing morning sickness.”

“No way.  That’s not happening.”  Scoffing, Jensen gestured towards the darkened windows.  “Besides, it definitely isn’t morning.”

“Morning sickness doesn’t have to happen in the morning, Jensen, it is really misnamed because –“

“I know that!”  Jensen hadn’t meant to snap, yet he couldn’t stop it from happening.  He was tired and sore and now he was starting to feel nauseous again and Jared was trying to tell him exactly what was going on with his body.  He knew morning sickness could hit any time, he’d seen Jared go through it.  Hell, he’d probably even tried to reassure Jared with the same line his husband was using on him.  Still, he wasn’t experiencing morning sickness.  No way.  There was no way the scent of Jared’s regular shampoo would have made him nauseous.  “I’m sorry, I just…can we throw away the shampoo?”

“It’s not the shampoo…”

“Yes it is!  It’s the shampoo and I’m fine and if you throw it away then I will continue to be fine.  I don’t have morning sickness, I’m good.”  He spun to face Jared, determination stamped across his face.

Jared put his hands up in surrender.  “Ok, fine.  You win.  It’s the shampoo.  You’re right, they probably packaged it wrong.”

With a satisfied snort, Jensen walked out of the bathroom.  “Thank. You.”

He crept into the bed, facing outward, hoping that maybe he could fall asleep before his husband returned so that sleeping next to Jared and his freshly washed hair wouldn’t send him running for the bathroom again.

It was a good thing he was tired or he would’ve picked up on the fact that he didn’t hear Jared dropping the shampoo in the garbage pail and he didn’t have even energy to let himself think about what he _really_ knew was going on.

***********

Unsurprisingly, the next day, Jensen came to terms with the fact that Jared hadn’t bought the wrong shampoo.

He woke up that morning feeling great.  He had enough energy to complete his morning run and give Daisy a lazy jog around the neighborhood. 

Everything was perfectly normal.

Until, he opened the lunch he had made for himself the night before.  He knew he had packed himself a bottle of water but he didn’t recall putting in a bottle of ginger ale as well.  In fact, he knew he didn’t include the bottle of ginger ale.

He shook his head when he realized it was Jared’s not so subtle way of suggesting that he was suffering from morning sickness.  Clearly, his husband hadn’t bothered to ask how he was feeling this morning or he would have known that he was absolutely fine.  No morning sickness.  Jensen was fully in control of what effects this pregnancy was going to have on his body and getting sick at his hormones’ beck and call wasn’t one of them.  There was no need for ginger ale, which Jensen thought was a stupid remedy anyway.  There was no way it would actually work.  Laughing, he pushed the bottle away, leaving it on the corner of his desk long after his lunch break was over.

In the end, it was a latex glove that did him in.

He'd been doing physical therapy with a patient who had had hip replacement surgery when the man’s bandage came undone.  Instead of calling a nurse, Jensen decided to redress the wound on his own.  It was a simple enough procedure and he had done similar things dozens of times in the past.

He thought nothing of opening a new box of latex gloves until their distinct odor hit him in the face the moment he pulled the first glove out.  The smell immediately went to his stomach, making it tense up and flip.  Without time to excuse himself, he zipped out of the room and vomited into a garbage pail in a neighboring room.  Thankfully, the room was empty.  Unfortunately, the episode was strong enough that Jensen couldn’t pretend hormones weren’t kicking his ass.

He sat there gagging and feeling shaky all over, realizing that Jared had been right.

It had taken seven weeks, but whatever was happening to him now had nothing to do with the odors themselves.  It had everything to do with the bundle of cells growing and multiplying in his middle.

The admittance sent a new wave of nausea through him.

After he was done, after he successfully convinced his patient that he wasn’t ill but had eaten something he was allergic to for lunch, he sat down at his desk, sipping his ginger ale and looking at his stomach like it had betrayed him.

He’d never felt such a lack of control before.

**********

Like a cruel joke, morning sickness was anything but for Jensen.   It almost perpetually plagued him at night.  That was both a blessing and a curse.  It helped him get through the workday without arising any suspect from his coworkers, and it made it almost impossible to go out with his or Jared’s family at night if he and Jared planned on waiting to tell them the news.  It also meant Jared got the brunt of Jensen’s moody frustration.  It was far worse than he let on to Jared, but his husband was doing enough hovering as it was.

With their previous pregnancies, they had told their families too soon, always finding it impossible to keep anything from them.  Friends and coworkers were easier to keep in the dark, but their family always seemed to be on their minds when they got a positive test result.

With each pregnancy, with each miscarriage, with each burn, they had learned to keep things to themselves.

After Jared’s surgery, they were both on board with waiting to tell their families the news until after their twelve week prenatal appointment. 

With Jensen spending most of his evening hours getting up close and personal with their toilets, sinks, garbage pails, and even that fern Jared knew Jensen secretly hated, it made it necessary for them to distance themselves from their families for the time being.

Being that both men had been dealing with a lot of emotional baggage for the last few months, no one seemed to notice anything.  They had been understandably distant in the recent months.  Avoiding family for a several more weeks wasn’t going to raise any red flags.

Jensen was glad for that.  He had no idea how he would be able to deal with his parents, as much as he loved them, right now.  Right now, his world seemed to revolve around throwing up.  At the very moment, his world revolved around holding onto the rim of their downstairs toilet bowl.  He was sure organs would be the next thing to come up because his stomach couldn’t take much more of this.

He heard a knock at the bathroom door, and then a pause before Jared’s concerned voice.  “Jen, you okay in there?”

“Fuck you.”

“That good, huh?”  Jared pushed open the door and took a hesitant step inside. 

“Ugh.”  Jensen shot his husband a disgusted glare and went back to resting his head on the cool porcelain.  His husband looked way too chipper to be sharing his space right now. There was an uncertainty to Jared's movements as well, but there was a smile on his face and Jensen could not understand for the life of him why Jared was smiling.  Technically, this was all Jared’s fault.  Jared had been the one who decided to cook up a Thai food extravaganza.  So what if Thai was Jensen's favorite?  The key word in the sentence was “was”.  He had no idea why his husband thought making three different types of curries was a good idea, because at the moment, all it made Jensen want to do was throw up and hit his husband over the head with a frying pan.

Thai food was definitely off the menu.

Unfortunately, they were running out of options.

Jared was a good cook but practically everything set Jensen off.  Logically, it was hormones’ fault but Jensen was going to pretend Jared had lost all culinary abilities because it was insane to think that his body chemistry had the power to make him avoid Jared’s cooking every single night for the past weeks.

Jared had filled the house with the scents of coconut and spices and Jensen was going to be sick again just thinking about it.  He struggled to remember exactly why anyone would eat coconut and chicken.  This whole fiasco was Jared’s fault and he must have been exuding that thought because Jared snorted at him before holding out an opened package of saltine crackers.  “Want some crackers?”

In an instant, Jensen saw red.  He smacked the crackers away and looked appalled by the mere suggestion.  “ _No_ , I do not want crackers.  I am not a fucking parrot.”  The minute the words left his mouth, Jensen realized the sting they carried.  It was too late, he was off on some irrational strain of thought and he couldn’t stop it.  “What I want is to stop throwing the fuck up.”

Staring like a deer in headlights, Jared blinked at Jensen for a minute before taking a frustrated inhale of air and throwing the crackers right at the middle of Jensen’s chest.  “Fine!”  He got to his feet, eyebrows furrowing between anger and hurt.  “I don’t give a shit what you do!  I’m just trying to _help_ , Jensen.  I’m trying to _help_ you!”

“I don’t need help.” With each word, Jensen knew he was digging the hole deeper, poking at the still healing parts of Jared, but he kept going.

“No, clearly you're doing fine on your own.  Continue throwing up.  Enjoy yourself.  I’ll stop trying to help when you’ve made it clear that you don’t need me.”  A switch flipped and the anger went to full out hurt as Jared backed towards the door.  He looked like he was going to scream or yell or maybe a combination of both, but he held it in long enough to escape the room and slam the door behind him.

In an instant, the life in the room sizzled out to silence.  Jensen couldn’t think of anything more to do than look at the crumbled crackers laying at his knees and realize that he just screwed up.  Again.

He’d never been so terrible at reading Jared’s emotions and being on the same page with him.  It was like some alien was inhabiting his body and making him, essentially and irrationally, not give a shit.

The realization that the thought hit closer to the truth than he felt comfort with sent his stomach into an unease he had long grown familiar with.

Jensen knew he needed to explain all these realizations to Jared.  He needed to apologize or at least explain himself.  He knew Jared was trying to help the best way he knew how.  Though none of Jared’s pregnancies had lasted very long, he had suffered through some early bouts of morning sickness.  Jensen really should have remembered that he had tried the same things when Jared was in his place.

The time for those thoughts disappeared as Jensen coughed and retched, trying to get done with this part of his night so he could go find his husband.  But their kid had other plans, plans that involved more quality time with the toilet.

************

By the time Jensen was able to pick himself up off the floor and shower to get rid of the sick clammy feeling he had running down his back, the house was quiet.

It wasn’t just silent, there was a complete lack of life and movement.  The rooms were dark and shut down for the night.

When he entered their bedroom, a chill ran down Jensen’s spine.  He had no idea what type of mood Jared would be in and how much damage he had caused with insensitive snaps in Jared’s direction.

It turned out, confronting Jared would have to wait.  His husband’s side of the bed was empty, pillow missing from its usual spot to solidify Jared’s message.

It didn’t take long to locate Jared in their guest bedroom, the one that will become a nursery if either of them survives the next few months.

Jared was curled on his side, facing away from Jensen.  There was no way he was sleeping, Jensen could tell from his too rapid exhalations.

“Jay?”  Jensen took a seat on the edge of the bed.

In response to the mattress dipping under Jensen’s weight, Jared rolled further away and tugged the blanket higher, all while remaining silent.

“Jay, come on.  Talk to me.  I’m sorry.”  Reaching out a hand, Jared brushed Jensen’s palm off his shoulder and kept quiet.  “Jared, baby…”

“Go to sleep, Jensen.”  Muffled by the pillow, Jared’s defeated voice broke the silence.

“Jay…”

“Sleep.  I’m trying to sleep.”  Jared shrugged Jensen’s hand off him again and stayed resolute in his attempt to ignore his husband.

The lie was almost palpable.  They both had off tomorrow, with nothing more to do than sit around.  There was supposed to be no reason why Jared would turn in so early but Jensen had changed that.

Now they were going to sleep while angry at each other.  Jensen’s brain had returned back to having normal, functional thoughts and he realized how serious that was for them.  They’d gone to sleep angry at each other before, but not over a two minute spat.

Looking Jared over, his tall form swathed in the neutrals of the guestroom's bed set, he looked vulnerable. 

He looked hurt.

And it hurt Jensen just as much when Jared shrugged him away, rejecting his attempt to apologize, to walk back in with his tail between his legs, to admit that he had no _freaking_ idea why he was being so crazy but he wanted it to stop immediately so he could think straight again.

It hurt falling into his own bed alone and hoping maybe Jared would be next to him in the morning but knowing that his husband was going to stick to his guns.

*************

In the morning, Jared still wasn’t talking to Jensen.

They navigated around each other like they had invisible barriers around one another and getting too close was physically impossible.

Jensen tried talking to Jared while he was having his morning coffee at the kitchen table.

It was almost like Jensen didn’t exist.  Jared kept turning the pages of his newspaper and taking long draws of from his mug as Jensen tried to get his attention.

Jensen hovered, which was saying a lot since Jared’s coffee was making him want to rip his stomach out and send it off to the hospital’s organ bank.  There was, however, no way Jensen was going to let Jared know that his coffee was making him feel sick.

After several attempts, Jared looked at him, shrugged, and went back to trying to answer the crossword puzzle.  When Jensen offered a possible solution to 5 Across, Jared wrote something else entirely.

It was enough that Jensen’s skin started to crawl with the need to diffuse the tension or get out of the situation.  Since Jared didn’t seem to be too keen on striking up a conversation at the current moment, that meant getting out of the house.  The option was fine with Jensen since the things building up inside him were the type that only running could dispel.

It was most likely childish, but if Jared was going to ignore him for the time being, Jensen could play that game too.  Brushing past the kitchen, he quickly changed into running gear and jogged back down the stairs.  Daisy was circling him, making happy yips that usually meant she wanted to go for a run too.

At least someone wanted to talk to him this morning.

Ruffling the husky’s fur, he clipped on her leash and headed out the door.  Daisy pranced happily at the prospect of one on one time with Jensen and being lead into the beautiful morning air.  She hopped from side to side in front of Jensen before he took off in a slow run and Daisy followed his lead.

The day wasn’t particularly warm but after only ten minutes Jensen started to feel like stifling heat was taking over his body.  It engulfed him and made his head spin but he pushed through it, allowing Daisy’s tugging to urge him into a deeper run.  He figured his brain was probably foggy from the fight with Jared.

When the suffocating feeling got worse rather than better, when running didn’t prove to be the cure all he branded it as, Jensen let the sense that something was actually wrong with him sink in.  His head swam with the inability to focus and he spun on his heels, intending to jog back home.

Daisy was barking with alarm, keeping up with Jensen but never completely taking her eyes off him.  She took on an awkward sideways gate as she tried to heard him back towards the house.

The heat rose in him again, a wave rushing up his body and making him feel like he was going to pass out.

Somehow, he made it back to his street and almost made it back to his actual house when he collapsed to his knees on the sidewalk three houses away.  Falling onto one palm, Jensen’s vision was peppered with black spots.  Somewhere his brain knew Daisy was still barking like mad, tugging the leash Jensen still had his fist white knuckled around.

He dropped the leash so that he could brace himself with both palms in an attempt to stay above the threat of unconsciousness.  Sounds faded in and out, serving to alarm Jensen further.  To say he was dizzy was an understatement, because Jensen was every ailment at that moment.

Daisy took off like a shot, heading directly towards their home.  She scratched at the door and barked even louder, one loud bellow following on the heels of the previous one.

When Jared pulled the door open, he gave his dog a confused look.  “Daisy?”  Reaching down, he tried to grab the dog by the collar but she scampered backwards and kept up her barking.  “Daisy, where’s daddy?”

Daisy yipped once and trotted to the end of the property, looking over her shoulder to make sure Jared got the cue to follow her, which the man did.

Feet still bare from sleep, Jared followed his dog with a concerned stride until he hit the sidewalk and saw Jensen crouching on the ground a small distance away.  Daisy ran over to him and gave Jensen a huge lick on the face before turning towards Jared again and barking confidently.

“Jensen!”  Jared broke into a run and stooped down next to his husband, who was currently being guarded by their dog.  “Good girl, Daisy!  Good girl!”  He ruffled her scruff vigorously, prompting a bark in acknowledgement.

Jensen rolled his eyes up so he could look at his husband, “Jay…”

“Shh, it’s okay.”  Jared hooked an arm under Jensen’s and got a firm hold around his back.  “Come on Jen, let’s get you inside.”  He hoisted him up and after a small stumble, got him to his feet.  “We are going to the doctor.”  Jared looked over his husband’s pale form with concern.  “I don’t want to hear anything.  You’re letting me help you and we _are_ going to the doctor.”

Even if Jensen was going to argue, which he felt too shitty to even attempt, there was something in Jared’s voice that told him he would lose anyway.  His ability to see straight had diminished so quickly that Jensen knew his husband was right; there was something wrong.

He wobbled when Jared propped him up against the passenger side door of his car while he ran inside the house to grab the keys.  He kept his eyes closed to prevent his world from spinning.  With one hand he braced himself against the car while his other fell to press against his lower abdomen.  It was the first time he truly splayed his hand across his middle, but he couldn’t help himself.  Nothing hurt there but it was the only part of his body his mind could think about.  He couldn’t stop thinking that if he fucked something up, he wasn’t going to be able to forgive himself.  Worse still, he wasn’t sure if Jared would be able to forgive him.

***********

Dr. Carlson wasn’t pleased, that much was obvious.

Forget professionalism, she scoffed when Jensen got on the scale.

Consulting Jensen’s file to make sure she was correct, she stared her patient down.  “You’ve lost seven pounds since the last time I’ve seen you.  That is almost two and a half pounds a week.”

Jensen went to respond but clearly Dr. Carlson was gearing up for a rant.  She put her hand on her hip and regarded both men, whose eyes showed their shock over Jensen’s weight loss.  “On top of that, you are severely dehydrated, which is most likely the cause of the symptoms you told me about.”

“Did I…is the baby okay?”  Jensen wrapped both arms around his stomach.

“Yeah, for now.  It takes a lot more than dehydration and throwing up to jeopardize your little one in the beginning.  You might be suffering but the baby can get everything it needs from your body for now.  But, Jensen, you need to take care of yourself too.  This imbalance can only go on so long without it taking a toll on the baby too.  Without your health, the baby is going to have a hard time staying healthy as well.”

Jensen heard his husband let out a relieved sigh, but he couldn’t let himself relax.  Dr. Carlson had just given him an ultimatum of sorts and that wasn’t something to take lightly.  With the weight loss, it was easy for Jensen to see a difference in his middle as he looked down at it.  There was an unaccustomed swollenness looming there, barely perceptible but the dehydration made it more apparent.  It was the reason he had to take the ultimatum seriously.  “So…”  He let his words trail off, not sure what to say next.  He thought it should be something important, something like a promise to keep healthier, but those words didn’t come.

“So, you need to call me if things continue to be as bad as they were.  I can’t help you if I don’t know what is going on.  And from the look on Jared’s face, he didn’t know how sick you were getting as well.  You have to _tell_ people.  You call this office, day or night, and if you cannot reach us here you call our emergency number.  But for now, I am going to send you to get a round of I.V. fluids to rehydrate you.  That is just a temporary solution because if you keep vomiting as much, you’re going to dehydrate yourself again.  And I am writing you a prescription for Zofran, which will help control the nausea.”

“Zofran?”  Jensen’s eyebrows rose as he regarded the doctor.  There was a pill to help with his nausea?  Why hadn’t anyone told him about that earlier?  He gave himself a mental kick because that thought alone reaffirmed what Dr. Carlson had just reprimanded him for.  Maybe if he had told her or Jared about how shitty he had been feeling lately, maybe someone would have told him about the pill.  “Is it safe?”

“It’s safe enough.  It’s not ideal to expose the fetus to medication so early on but it is better than landing yourself in the hospital all too often.  Don’t worry, it is safe.  I wouldn’t prescribe it if it wasn’t.”

Jensen nodded.

Dr. Carlson scribbled some notes in his file.  “Oh, and no running for now.”

Jensen cocked his head at the doctor.  He would never have gone running if she had told him weeks ago that it wasn’t recommended.  “I thought you said running was okay?”

“It is, but not when you’re dehydrated and running on little energy.  You need food to stay powered up enough to exert energy while running.  If you're throwing up your food, then you need to be aware of just how hard you can push your body.  From what you told me about last night and this morning, you essentially had no food in your system.  On top of low fluids, your body couldn’t handle the physical strain.  So, no running until you can keep enough food and liquids down.”  She sighed as she scanned her patient’s body language.  Jensen was exuding all forms of guilt and discomfort and Dr. Carlson’s frustration with the situation fell away.  She turned towards Jared, who had remained silent for a majority of the visit.  “Jared, do you think I could speak to you outside for a moment?”

“Me?”  Subconsciously pointing to his chest, Jared blinked at Ali.  “Umm, yeah, I guess so.”

“Great.”  Ali smiled at Jensen.  “You can get dressed now.  I’ll give you some privacy and come back in to talk to you in several minutes."

Jensen nodded dumbly, unsure of what his doctor needed to speak about but he stayed silent as he watched his husband leave the room.

Closing the exam room door behind her gently, Dr. Carlson turned to face Jared.  “Listen, I am not trying to be rude in any way but do you mind if I talk to Jensen alone for a few moments?  It’s nothing I won’t tell you too, should you really want to know, but I think sometimes talking one on one really helps.  Even to me it is obvious that he is afraid of letting you down and I just want to remove that stress by giving him a chance to talk to me without worry of disappointing you.  Is that okay?”

“You think he is worried about disappointing me?  You can tell all that from meeting him twice?”  Jared’s eyes widened.

“Yeah.  I can.  It’s the way he always looks at you first, like he needs to gauge your reactions before he says anything.”

Jared ran a hand across his face.  “God, you must think I’m terrible.”

“Why would I think you’re terrible?  Because you don’t know what to do with someone who won’t let you carry the brunt of any of this?  Jared, I know Jensen isn’t letting you in because he isn’t really letting me in either.  We can’t help him if he doesn’t come around to the idea that he needs to stop worrying so much about disappointing you.  As his doctor, I am becoming increasingly worried that he is going to keep things from me because he doesn’t want to come off as a disappointment.”  Her clear concern for her patient and her like for both men was evident in her words.

“You seriously think that?”

Dr. Carlson shrugged.  “I wouldn’t be out here talking to you if I didn’t.”

“Jensen would never do that.”

“Let’s hope you’re right.  But for now, can we err on the side of caution?  I just want to make sure you understand why I want to talk to him alone.”

Jared sighed and rubbed a nervous hand over his forearm.  “Yeah, I get it.  I…”  Sadness crept into Jared’s eyes.  “He’s going to be okay, right?  I mean…today…if you saw him…he looked like…”  Jared let his words trail off and covered his mouth with one hand.  The fear had crawled back inside and now that he was away from Jensen, he was able to let it show again.

Dr. Carlson put a comforting hand on Jared’s shoulder.  “That’s why I’m here, to make sure everything is okay and stays that way.  Listen, I like you two, and I am sorry for being so bold, but…” smiling, she shook her head.  “I was right last time when I told you I thought you two wouldn’t play by the rule books.  You are definitely one of the more unique cases I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with.  I know Jensen is my patient, but inadvertently you are too.  If you need to call, if you need for me to clarify that everything is okay, you can do that.  It won’t be a bother.”

“Th-thanks.”  Swallowing, Jared gave a smile.  “I appreciate it.”

“No problem.  But right now I am going to talk to your husband, okay?  Maybe we can meet you in the waiting room afterwards?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”  Nodding, Jared silently took off in the direction of the waiting room while Dr. Carlson turned to knock on the exam room door.

“Come in.”  Jensen’s voice had more energy behind it now.

Dr. Carlson pushed open the door to find Jensen standing in the middle of the room.  “I figured we could speak in my office for a few minutes, if that is okay with you?  Jared said he would wait for you in the waiting room.”

“Sure.”  Following the petite woman, Jensen chewed on his bottom lip while trying to figure out what was in store for him.  Soon they entered a tidy office at the end of the hallway.

“Have a seat.”  Dr. Carlson gestured towards a chair at the opposite of hers.

It wasn’t the doctor’s presence or being in her office, but Jensen’s stomach bubbled up with nerves.  The fact that he was sitting in his obstetrician’s office with a very real cause for concern was enough to make him anxious.  He fidgeted worriedly and took in the corners of the room.  His doctor was looking at him and Jensen could tell she was more than frustrated with him.  To be fair, he couldn’t blame her.  He hadn’t exactly been a model patient and he had been more than difficult in dealing with the pregnancy himself.  Letting other people help deal with it was proving to be even more difficult.  “Listen, Dr. Carlson…”

“Call me Ali.”

“Okay, Ali then.  Listen, I’m sorry I am being such an…well…such an ass about all this.”

“I appreciate you being sorry but we are going to need to work on more than just that if we want to get through this whole process.”  She folded her arms on the desk.  “I told you when we first met that this is a partnership.  I’ve held up my end of the bargain, now you have to hold up yours.  I need your help if I am going to do my job correctly.  And that means you need to tell people what is going on.  You are going to need to tell _me_ what is going on, preferably before you end up here on an emergency visit.”

Ali was right, Jensen knew that.  Knowing and acting on something were two different ideas.  He knew that his struggle over coming to terms with asking for help was that it would be seen as a limitation on his part.  “I know.  I just…I don’t want Jared to think that I can’t do this, that I _don’t want to_ do this.  That is really far from the truth.  I want this.  It’s just…it is a whole new world for me, one I never thought I would be a part of.”

Sighing sympathetically, Ali let silence fall between them for a moment.  Reaching forward, she grabbed a picture frame off her desk and held it out towards Jensen.  “Here.  This is my daughter Callie.”

Jensen took the picture and came face to face with a smiley pigtailed five year old.  “She’s really cute.  She looks like you.”

“You think?  People say she is a good mix.”  Ali smiled at the compliment.  “Listen, Jensen, I hope I am not overstepping or speculating, but I can sympathize with you.  That little girl,” she tapped the frame in Jensen’s hold, “is the best thing in my entire world.  Being pregnant with her was the worst thing in my entire life.  I chose this line of work and I love it.  I can deal with the things that make people squeamish or uncomfortable, so those are not the types of things that made my pregnancy miserable.  I just hated being pregnant.  It wasn’t fun.  I was sick all the time and I couldn’t do half the things I used to be able to do.  I had to ask for help and I hate that.  I’m stubborn and independent.  I’m a ‘let me see that with my hands’ type of person.  And asking for help was hard.”

“Yeah.”  Jensen rolled his eyes in agreement.

“And listen, I’m a people person, but with everyone _looking_ at me all the time and complete strangers wanting to _touch_ me, or my belly at least, all the time, it was terrible.  I hated it.  I hated feeling like I had no control over what was going on inside and outside of my body.  Pregnancy sucked!  So, Jensen, I get it.  I do.  It’s not fun but I knew I had to ask for help.  And that little girl,” Ali pointed to the photo again, “was worth everything I went through.  Trust me, it will be the same for you.  You just need to get through the not so fun parts right now.”

“Yeah?”  Jensen looked down at the picture again and could see how people could fall in love with Callie’s smiley face.  If he felt that as a stranger, he couldn’t fathom how strong that feeling must be for Ali.

“Absolutely.  So, whatever is going on with you, it is okay to hate this.  But you need to realize that you still have to take care of yourself and sometimes that means relying on other people.”

Most of his discomfort washing away, Jensen put the picture frame back on the desk and looked at the woman.  “See, I get that.  I do.  It makes sense.  But, I don’t know how to fall back and let Jared take care of me in that way.  I mean, he’s always taken care of me.  We take care of each other.  But this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.  I was supposed to be taking care of Jared, _he_ was supposed to be pregnant.  That is how we both wanted it.  And this role reversal is throwing us both our of our comfort zones.”  Feeling as if he had all of a sudden spilled too much information, Jensen shut up.  He flushed, wishing he could take the words back but now they were out there and Ali was looking at him as she processed them.

“The role reversal is kind of obvious, by the way.”  Ali leaned back in her chair.  “It’s why I asked Jared if I could speak to you alone.  It’s obvious you love each other, and it is just as obvious that you would do anything for him, which is why I need you do make sure we are on the same page in regards to this pregnancy.”

“We are.  Trust me.  I want this baby, no matter how out of sorts it is making me feel.  I want this with Jared but it is doing funny things to my brain.”  Jensen sighed, figuring he had already been over sharing so far, he might as well continue.  “I know it’s in my file as part of our medical history, but Jared’s had a rough go of things.  He’s gone through too many miscarriages and an oophorectomy; he can’t handle much more.  What I am really afraid of is messing this up.  If I can be brutally honest, I never wanted to get pregnant but now it’s something I want desperately.  That switch in opinion has thrown me for a loop.  _I want this_.  I just don’t know how to navigate that feeling….and the fact that it is happening.”  As soon as the words left his mouth, Jensen felt a weight lift from him, like his fear wasn’t his alone anymore.  He thought that if Ali knew about it, then maybe she would be able to prevent anything from happening.  It may have been a foolish thought, but it still gave him some comfort.

Leaning forward to rest her elbows on her desk, Ali spoke in calm words.  “Thank you for sharing that.  I know it was probably hard to get that out, but I appreciate it.  It sheds more light on the situation.  I hope you know how sorry I am over what you and Jared have been through.  No one deserves that much heartache.  And I am floored by your determination.  Which is why we have a great shot at things working out just fine.”

Jensen smiled.  From what he knew about Dr. Carlson, she didn’t sugar coat things.  If she said they had a shot at getting through this, then he was going to believe her.  “I’m sorry, you probably think I am being ridiculous.”

“Jensen, I work with pregnant people all day.  Trust me, you are not being ridiculous.  You have valid concerns.  Getting them out of you is a little difficult, but still, they are completely normal.”

“I in no way feel normal right now.”

Ali laughed.  “Listen, I need you to make me a promise, okay?  I need you to promise that you will talk to me in the future.  Anytime.  If you are freaking out, no matter how trivial you think it is, please talk to me.  Call here.  Or,” she fished out a business card from her desk drawer and scribbled a number on the back, “call my cell phone.  Anytime.  Can you promise that?”

Taking the card, Jensen flipped it over in his hand.  He couldn’t believe the woman so freely gave him her number and his like for her increased.  She was in his corner; she made freak outs seem okay, normal even.  He smiled and nodded.  “I can do that.”

“Good.  I’m glad.”  Looking at her watch, Ali gave a regretful sigh.  “So, I know I said we could talk anytime but I am running late on appointments.  Plus, I’d really like to get you hooked up to fluids sooner rather than later.  Are we good here?”

“Yeah.  I feel,” Jensen scratched the back of his neck, “better.  Thanks.”

“All part of the job.” 

Jensen knew it wasn’t, not completely.  Ali  has probably brushed the last ten minutes off as if they were no big deal for Jensen’s benefit so that he didn’t feel the spotlight of her attention.  She had gone above and beyond and for that, he was thankful.  Dr. Lerner did him right in steering him in Dr. Carlson’s direction.

They shook hands and Jensen went to rejoin Jared in the waiting room.  There was an awkward tension between them, neither one feeling like bringing up last night argument and the events of the morning.  Instead, they stayed silent.  It wasn’t an angry silence, and they made tentative glances at each other during as Jared drove them both to the hospital, but neither man spoke up.

It wasn’t until Jensen had an I.V. fitted to his veins that Jared broke the silence.

“I’m sorry.”

Jensen balked at Jared’s apology, finally taking his eyes of the fluids dripping into his body to stare at his husband.  “Oh, Jared, why are _you_ sorry?  You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Jared sat on the edge of the chair next to Jensen.  “Yes I do.  I shouldn’t have slept in the guest room.  I should have paid more attention to you before you went running.  Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have let you go out there.  I shouldn’t have gotten that mad at you.”

“Yes you should have.”  Shaking his head, Jensen couldn’t believe Jared was pinning all this on himself.  “I was being an ass to you.  That’s not your fault.  And don’t blame yourself for what happened.  I was dehydrated.  You know you wouldn’t have been able to talk my stubborn ass out of not running.  Right?”

“Yeah, but still…I’m sorry.”  Jared let out a deep breath and bit his lip.

“Don’t be.  Please?  Don’t be sorry.  I’m sorry.  I should have let you help.  I should have fucking told you how sick I was feeling.  I was being stupid.  It’s just…”  Jensen turned his head away, his brain trying to figure out a way to say what he was thinking.

“What, Jen?”  Jared grabbed Jensen’s chin and forced his husband to look him in the eyes.

“I just don’t want to disappoint you.  I’m afraid of not being very good at _this_.”  He made a vague gesture to his entire body.  “I’m afraid of letting you down and that is the worst thing in my world right now.  I didn’t want to make you think I was weak or that I couldn’t do this.”

“Ooh, Jensen!  No.  How could you ever think that you could let me down?  Whatever happens, no matter what, you will not let me down.  You aren’t weak at all.  Do you think you are?”

“It’s kind of hard not to feel that way when a fetus smaller than my thumb is kicking my ass every day.”

Jensen comment sidetracked Jared and his face lit up with a soft smile.  “You know how big the baby is?”

Blushing, Jensen sucked in his lip before admitting, “Yeah, I’ve been reading.  What the fuck is a kumquat anyway?”

Jared laughed, shattering the awkward tension that had been building between them.  “Jensen, you’re not weak.  You’re the strongest person I know.  Getting pregnant for us makes you strong, not weak.  Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak.  It means you’re human.”

“Promise you’re going to keep thinking that way?”

“Absolutely.”  Jared’s smile widened.

“Come here.”  Jensen curled a finger towards Jared to coax him closer.  When Jared got up and gravitated towards his husband, Jensen urged him closer still.  He reached up and cupped Jared’s face with both hands, pulling him down gently for a kiss.  Letting their lips linger on each other’s, he stroked his thumbs over Jared’s cheeks and closed his eyes.  “I love you.  And I’m sorry for being difficult.  And I’m sorry in advance for continuing to be difficult.  But, I love you and I do need you.  I can’t do this without you and I’m okay with that.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Jared’s hands came to rest on Jensen’s jaw line, his movements careful not to hit the I.V. line leading to his husband’s vein.  He closed his eyes and sighed, kissing Jensen harder, the gesture erring on being needier and more reassuring than their kisses started out.  “Love you too.  And if you ever scare me like that again, I will…I dunno…I won’t kill you because that won’t solve anything.  Let’s just say, it won’t be pretty.  God, did you hear Daisy?  I never heard her get that crazy.”

“I was a little too out of it to really comprehend much.”  Jensen raised his hand to remind Jared of his dehydration. 

“Let’s just say that our little fur-baby earned her keep today.  I think she deserves a bone from the butcher.”

“That’s my girl.” Jensen smiled at the thought of his dog coming to his rescue. 

They did get Daisy a bone, and after picking up Jensen’s Zofran prescription, they stopped by White Castle at Jensen’s insistence.

It shocked Jared when Jensen ordered a handful of sliders.

It shocked him even more when Jensen ate every one of them and didn’t throw anything up.

It almost insulted Jared when the moment he started talking about making himself some dinner, Jensen paled. 

Jensen had shrugged, completely baffled by it as well.  But if his stomach wanted to keep down fast food over Jared’s cooking, he wasn’t going to argue with it.  At this point, he was just glad to keep food in his belly.


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, h/c, mpreg!Jensen, vomiting, super light bottom!Jared smut  
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> AMAZING banner and betaing by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.

Zofran was a godsend.  It made morning sickness all the more tolerable for Jensen.  Oddly enough, he still wasn’t able to eat Jared’s cooking.  Despite how much he tried to hide it, that fact was rubbing Jared raw.  That fact was made more apparent when it turned out that Jensen seemed to be able to keep down his own cooking.

He had spent the previous day making a pot of sauce the way his mother taught him.  When he ate an entire plate of spaghetti and meatballs, he shocked Jared.  His husband had sat there as if waiting for the mad rush to the bathroom to happen, only, it didn’t.  Jensen looked a little queasy but he kept everything down.  It made sense that Jared would be upset in seemingly not having the ability to make a meal Jensen enjoyed anymore, but Jensen was too busy getting reacquainted with food to deal with that issue.

It was why Jensen was glad he had left the house early enough to avoid getting sick from the smell of Jared’s coffee ritual and he could avoid Jared’s glare as he devoured an egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts.  It was a double win as far as Jensen was concerned because he was able to avoid insulting his husband and _he was eating an egg sandwich_.  He never much cared for them before, preferring a homemade version or at least one from a deli or diner, but for some reason Dunkin Donuts was agreeing with him.

He’s even bought himself two.  The calorie count should have bothered him, so should the nutritional value, but caring about that wasn’t his current goal.  Mostly his goal was to not lose any more weight.  And even though he was still throwing up every now and then, he was determined to be more diligent about keeping his body hydrated and fueled up.

His brain drifted off, lost in a haze for the time being.  There was tightness in his middle, similar to the cramping he felt a few weeks ago, but it was enough of a dull ache that he could ignore it.  He wasn’t completely exhausted but he didn’t feel entirely rested.  Jared had told him that growing a baby was hard work; it was no wonder that Jensen was exhausted.  Still, Jensen had real work to do, the kind that paid their bills and came with medical benefits.  He needed his head to be in the game, not off in daydream land as he stared at nothing.

Not paying attention, the elbow Jensen had propped on the desk so that he could rest his chin in his palm slipped.  It collided with his juice, sending the contents to dampen the entire front of his pants.

On instinct, Jensen tried to push his chair backwards and out of the juice’s range but his reaction was too slow.  “Crap!”  He was left with sopping wet pants and a frustrated scowl on his face.

Wet pants weren’t such an issue.  Wet pants with a giant orange stain on the front, were.  It was a good thing he always kept a spare pair in his bottom drawer.  He mopped up as much of the orange juice as he could before digging out the change of pants.  He still had twenty minutes before his first patient was due to arrive for therapy, plenty of time to change.

In the men’s restroom, he shucked off his damp clothing.  Jensen shook them out and folded them so he could bring them home for a date with their laundry room.  It’s why something caught his eye as he stripped off his equally juice saturated underwear.  Beside the orange hue of the juice, there was a splotch of red.  It was faint but it was _there_.

His heart went into overdrive in an instant, knowing before Jensen’s brain did that blood was a very bad sign.  The increase in his pulse made him dizzy, causing him to fall against the side of the bathroom stall.

He tentatively brought two fingers between his legs and grazed them over the spot where Dr. Carlson had been way too far inside of him for comfort.  Pulling them away, there was blood, only trace amounts but still enough to keep his heart hammering away in concern.

He couldn’t remember if this was normal or not, if he should be panicking or not.

Regardless of what he should or shouldn’t do, Jensen was panicking.  His thoughts had always been teetering on fearful and now the blood gave them validation.

His first thought was to call Jared.  It struck him so soundly that he couldn’t focus on anything else, not even continuing to get dressed.  Instead, he slumped back against the stall and fumbled for his cell phone.  After dialing the house phone, it took reaching the answering machine two times for him to remember that Jared was with an early client.  He didn’t keep a phone line in his office, for fear that he’d forget to turn the ring off and he would get a call during someone’s massage.  As a last ditch effort, Jensen tried calling Jared’s cell phone, knowing full well his husband didn’t keep it on him while working.  He tried several more times, reaching Jared’s voicemail every time.  Every time he hung up.  Somehow, he didn’t think leaving “hey, I’m bleeding and potentially losing the baby” or “I just lost our baby in the men’s restroom at work” on his husband’s voicemail was an appropriate way to get his dilemma across to Jared.  Instead, he simply stated, “hey, it’s Jensen, call me back ASAP.”  He knew his voice probably sounded as nervous as he felt, but that was the best he could do.  Jared would get the point.

With contacting Jared no longer an option, Jensen was faced with making a phone call he really didn’t want to make on his own.  He had Dr. Carlson’s office number programmed in his phone and he sent the call through.  When the receptionist picked up, he couldn’t even pretend to hold himself together.  His dilemma spilled out of his lips so quickly he had to repeat himself at a slower pace so that the woman could understand him.

They wanted him to come in, obviously.

Jensen planned on it, but the back of his mind worried if it was a moot point anyway.

***********

Laying with his legs spread for Dr. Carlson, Jensen vaguely realized that it was the first time his mind wasn’t hung up on the discomfort of being exposed like that.  He almost wanted her there so that she could give him a definitive answer.

Because it was the only way he was keeping himself from losing the small grip he had on being able to function, the inside of Jensen’s lip was chewed raw.

By all the definitions of feeling weak that Jensen’s brain had come up with, he should have been feeling that way right now.  Only he wasn’t.  He was scared.  His stomach was in knots when he thought that he landed himself in this situation as some type of self fulfilling prophecy.  Being so worried about screwing this up, of not being able to succeed in making his and Jared’s dream come true, Jensen wondered if he had this coming.  The thought made him go rigid.  Closing his eyes, he hissed and threw and arm over his face.

“Did I hurt you?”

“No…just…”  Jensen didn’t bother finishing the sentence.  What was left unspoken was already known, it was why he was here in the first place.

“Relax.”  Dr. Carlson patted Jensen on the thigh in an effort to coax the tension away.  “Don’t tighten up on me.”  She paused to see if her patient would heed her instruction.  “Just give me a minute and we’ll know what we’re working with.”  Looking up, she gave a soft smile before returning to her exam.

“I fucked this up, didn’t I?”

“What?”  Dr. Carlson’s head flew up but Jensen avoided her eyes.

“Just tell me.  Tell me I fucked this up.”

“No…I mean you didn’t ‘fuck this up’.  You didn’t do anything wrong, at least from what I can tell.  There is just a little bit of blood.  It can be anything.  _It can be normal_.  It’s a common occurrence.  It isn’t always a cause for alarm.”

“But sometimes it is.”  Jensen’s voice was a serious monotone, unswayed by Dr. Carlson’s positive attitude.

Suddenly just as serious as her patient, Ali nodded.  “Yes.  Yes, sometimes it is.  That is why we are going to give you a thorough exam and see what is going on.”  She moved an exam light closer and shifted her fingers inside Jensen.  Pulling them out, there was barely a trace of blood on her fingers.  “I think you are just experiencing light spotting.  It can seem scary but it is normal.”

“It is?”

“Yeah.  It happens to 30% of people in the first trimester.  I’m glad you came in, just so we can make sure there isn’t any complications.  I want to try to find a heartbeat to solidify my diagnosis, but you’re hardly bleeding.  Definitely not enough to signify a miscarriage.”

Pushing himself up onto his elbows, Jensen raised a hopeful eyebrow at his doctor.  “Really?”

“Would I tell you otherwise?”  Ali pulled off her gloves and gave Jensen a look of disbelief.  “Would I?”

Jensen had to admit that Dr. Carlson looked pretty confident in herself.  “I guess not.”

“ _Definitely_ not.”  She fussed with equipment at the side of the room while speaking over her shoulder to Jensen.  “You can take your legs out of the stirrups.  We’re done with that part.”

Jensen did so, closing his legs but staying frozen on the exam table.

Ali waved an instrument in Jensen’s field of vision.  “This is a fetal Doppler stethoscope.  I’m going to use it to try and find your baby’s heartbeat.  I typically don’t use it till the 12 week check up, but you’re close enough.  I’ve been able to find a heartbeat as early as 8 weeks with this thing.”  Ali smiled and tapped the device.”

“Does it go… _inside_?”

“No.”  Ali laughed.  “No, don’t worry, I am going press this wand part against your stomach and search around for a bit.  It kinda uses ultrasound waves to bounce back from the baby and return in the representation as a heartbeat.  It won’t hurt.  Okay?  Ready?”

“Okay, yeah.  I’m good.”  Nodding, Jensen put both arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling.  Dr. Carlson could have told him she was going to put a whole team of doctors up inside him and he would have been okay with it.  Finding out the thing in her hands wasn’t going inside of him was a small, unimportant victory.  He just wanted to know what was going on.

Turning on the device, Dr. Carlon slid the wand under Jensen’s paper gown and pressed the sensor to his middle.  She moved it around in searching motions, a weird static sound coming off the device’s read out.  She squinted in concentration before her look softened and she aimed a smile at Jensen just as a different sound filled the room.  It was wobbly at first, going in and out, but then it became steadier as Dr. Carlson’s manipulation of the sensor became more precise.

Jensen looked confused, completely uncertain as to what he was hearing.  It sounded weird or alien, but Dr. Carlson was smiling at him like it was a good thing.  He stared at his middle and then back at his doctor, questions on the tip of his tongue but unable to voice any of them.  His brain got snagged on the thought that he wished Jared was there; no matter what Ali had to say to him, he wished Jared was there.  It was like something overrode the part of his brain that was trying to keep Jared out of this in some inefficient way of protecting his husband from heartache.

Catching Jensen’s perplexed stare, Ali turned the sound up. “That’s your baby’s heartbeat.”

Mind backtracking and running though the last hours, Jensen buzzed with the realization of what that meant.  His baby had a heartbeat.  A heartbeat meant his baby was still alive.  “Holy shit.”  There was a second heartbeat inside of him and it definitely didn’t sound normal or human but that was secondary to the fact that there was a _fucking_ heartbeat inside of him.  “That sound is _in_ me?”

Laughing, Ali nodded.  “You seem like a smart person Jensen, but you appear to be having a little trouble comprehending that humans gestate their young _inside_ their bodies.”

Letting out a calculated breath, Jensen stared incredulously at his doctor.  “That’s because it is kind of surreal.”

“It kind of is.”  She listened to the heartbeat more carefully and smiled again.  “This part, Jensen…this part is one of the good parts.  One of the parts that doesn’t suck.  It’s amazing and it’s okay to be amazed by it.”

“But it’s okay?  I mean, it sounds okay?  Because…”

“It sounds great!  Perfect.  A tiny bit fast, but you’re not even 12 weeks, it will slow down on its own.  But it is definitely healthy.”

“So the baby is okay?”

“Yeah.  Everything seems good.  I could do an ultrasound but you’re coming back in a little over a week.  I feel safe enough waiting until then.”

“So…it’s okay?”  It wasn’t that Jensen hadn’t heard his doctor the first time; it was that he needed to hear it again so that he was sure it was real.

“Yeah, Jensen.  Everything is good.”

Jensen let out exactly two calming breaths before his body started moving on its own.  He lurched upward and threw his arms around Ali.  As he hugged her tightly to his body it threw her off balance with the suddenness of the gesture but he held tight enough to keep her from falling.

Ali let out a surprised huff of air, eyes going wide until settling back into an understanding look.  Slowly, she let her own arms come around her patient, hugging him back as he clung to her.

Almost as suddenly as the embrace had started, Jensen pulled back with a look of embarrassment on his face.  He couldn’t believe that he had just done that.  It was completely unlike him and definitely not the normal doctor-patient role.  “I…I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean…”

Cutting him off, Ali shook her head and put up a hand to halt her patient’s apology.  “Stop.  I get it.  It’s a relief.  Don’t worry.  A hug has never done me any harm.  We’re all good.”

“I know…but still…”  Jensen sat up straighter in an attempt to pull himself together.

“Don’t worry.  I won’t tell anyone…or Jared…about your warm and fuzzy moment.  I get that you were caught up in the relief.”

“It’s just that…I thought…”  Fidgeting, Jensen scratched at the back of his head.  All the emotions hit him again, crashing into him just as fast as they receded, like a weird wave cycle of insanity.  He felt his eyes tearing up despite himself.  “I saw the blood and then I couldn’t reach Jared…and I thought…I thought…”  Jensen shook on an exhale.  He was quickly getting worked up again.  Normally he would have been able to stop himself in time; normally he would have been able to hold things together and stay strong.  Normal, however, went out the window the minute he looked at his positive pregnancy test.  With all kinds of hormones coursing though his body whose sole purpose was to make him crazy, Jensen stood no chance in holding it together.  “I thought I lost the baby.”

Sighing, Ali pouted.  “You really thought that, didn’t you?  I mean, you weren’t just worried about that being a possibility.  You _actually_ thought that was what was happening, that it was the only option?” 

“Yeah, well…we’ve had shitty luck and…”

Ali cut Jensen off with a dive bomb of a hug.  This time, Jensen was left blinking in surprise.  The hug shocked him enough to send the tears packing, and all he could do was hug the woman back.  It made him realize that he was lucky to have people in his corner.  Things were okay and his doctor seemed resigned to making sure it stayed that way.

When the petite woman pulled away, it was her turn to give her patient a blushed apology.  “I’m sorry.  I just didn’t know what to do.  My verbal reassurances weren’t getting the job done.”

“Do you hug all your patients?”  A laugh left his mouth, finally shoving all worries aside.

Joining in on the laugher, Ali gave a playful wink.  “No.  Only the cute ones.  Don’t tell my husband and I won’t tell yours.”

“No offense, you’re not really my type.”

“Too short?”

“Amongst other things.”

The playful banter helped Jensen come back from his dark mood and whether that was Ali’s plan all along or just a happy accident, he was grateful.  His baby was okay.  Logic had told him that the sudden appearance of blood was never a good thing but logic during pregnancy apparently took a flying leap off a cliff.

He was ok.  The baby was okay.  The baby’s heartbeat was okay.

 _Shit_.  Guilt hit Jensen hard with the fact that Jared had been absent for their baby’s heartbeat’s grand premier.  They had never gotten this far with any of Jared’s pregnancies and the fact that Jensen had just hit a milestone without Jared present felt wrong.

Dr. Carlson was right, though.  They had an appointment scheduled in a week.  They could hear the heartbeat again.

Jensen wished he could pretend that would be the first time, but he knew he couldn’t.  He promised not to hide anything about the pregnancy, even if it would hurt Jared.

Jared was strong enough to deal with it.  They both were, even though sometimes he started to wonder if they were going to get a break any time soon.

****************

The minute Jensen walked in his front door, Daisy ran at full speed towards him and barked.

“Hey, Daisy girl.”  Jensen ruffled her fur.  She was agitated, nervous energy radiating off of her.  She was a mellow dog, surprising for a husky, but right now she was jittery and vocal, alerting her father to her mood immediately.  If Daisy was nervous, that meant something was making her that way.  That _something_ was most likely Jared.

Almost on cue, Jared ran towards the door from the rear of the house.  He was panicked and edgy, muscles clearly tense.  “Jen?”  When his eyes found his husband, he held up his cell phone to emphasize his point.  “Where the hell have you been?  I got your message and your missed calls.  I tried calling you at work but they said you left early on some emergency and then I…umph!’

Jensen attacked his husband with a tight hug, wrapping as much of his body as he could around Jared.  He hooked his chin over Jared’s shoulder and pulled him closer.  His hands grabbed onto the stiffness of his husband’s back and he didn’t budge.  He felt Jared relax slightly in the hold but the rest of him stayed contemplative, each exhale coming out with a question.

“Jen, what?”  Jared didn’t pull his body away but he pulled his face back enough to try and look Jensen in the eye.  It was futile.  Jensen kept his husband’s shoulder tucked under his chin and didn’t seem like he would be loosening his grip any time soon.  “Jensen?”  This time Jared’s voice was complete concern and confusion.

“I…”  The words couldn’t come out, despite that Jensen’s brain had already set its mind on what to tell Jared.  Having Jared in his arms after finding out everything was alright with the baby was so much of a relief that he shivered.  It made a feeling of devotion to their relationship bloom in his chest and explode into a million jolts of electricity coursing through his blood stream.  He slid his arms up Jared’s torso, pulling back just as he reached his husband’s chest on their way upward to cup the man’s face in his hands.  Jared had a moment to give Jensen a perplexed stare before Jensen pulled his husband in for a desperate kiss.

It was different than any of their usual kisses, their loving or sexual kisses, and Jared picked up on that right away.  It came with an odd neediness to it, something that cued Jared’s brain into the fact that Jensen needed more than just the physical connection.

Jared brought his own hands to cup Jensen’s face as well and kissed back, their foreheads pressed together and their breathing dissolving into pants, each exhale getting shakier on Jensen’s part.

Eventually, Jensen couldn’t hold it together any more.  His kisses fell apart into distressed intakes of air and unsteady attempts to keep his lips on Jared’s.  His hold on the man faltered and Jared’s hands had to come around his hips to keep him steady.

“Whoa, Jensen.  It’s okay.  Whatever it is, it’s okay.”  Still holding Jensen upright, he pressed a kiss to Jensen’s cheek and realized his husband was crying when his lips came away wet.  Eyebrows furrowed in concern, Jared look at him, cocking his head to the right.  “Tell me what is going on.  Please?”

Pulling away, Jensen wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand.  He got loose from Jared’s hold but reached back to grab Jared’s hand and pull them towards their couch.  Daisy followed, almost tripping them up as she weaved in and out of them.

Daisy jumped onto the couch before her humans had a chance to, waiting at the edge for Jensen to sit down and tug Jared to come side beside him.   Yipping, she put her head on Jensen’s lap and rolled her eyes up pathetically so that she could look up at the man.

“We’re scaring the dog.”  Jensen wiped at his cheek again before tip toeing his fingers up Daisy’s snout, across her head, and behind her ears to scratch there lovingly.

Nudging Jensen, Jared’s voice was soft.  “You’re scaring me.”

Jensen coughed once to clear his throat.  “I know.  I’m sorry.  I...I was scared.  And…”  Jensen tripped over his words but Jared squeezed his hand.  Part of his brain felt ridiculous being so worked up over something that had proved to be nothing.  The other part of his brain had learned something; he learned that he cared so much more about the little bundle of cell that he swore he never wanted to grow there.  That paradigm shift was intense and it was hard to navigate.  “I have to tell you something, but before I do, you should know the baby is fine.”

Though the statement was meant to be reassuring, it clearly failed.  Jared was on edge again, sitting straight on the couch and eyes features set with concern.  “Why wouldn’t the baby be fine?”

“Because I was bleeding at work today.”

“You, wha?”

“At work…I found blood, from _there._   It wasn’t a lot but it was enough to scare me.  And then I called you…”  He stared at his lap, feeling the overflow of emotions threaten to over take him for the millionth time that day.  “And you didn’t pick up.”  Covering his eyes with a palm, he snorted.  “God, this is so stupid.”

Jared pulled his husband’s hand away.  “Stupid?  No, Jen, it’s not stupid.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you were alone.”

“I was alone.  And I didn’t want to be.”  Jensen stared at Jared.  “You weren’t there and I wanted you to be.  And I couldn’t reach you.”

Composure breaking, Jared bit his lip and swallowed.  “Ohh….Jensen.  Ohh, baby.  I’m sorry.  I can’t even…I can’t even imagine what was going through your head.”

“I thought I lost the baby, _that_ is what was going through my head.  I went to Dr. Carlson and I felt like I fucked up somewhere.  And then I thought about how you must have felt every time…and Jay?  It’s too much.”

Jared pulled Jensen into a hug.  “It’s okay.  It’s not too much.  You’ve got this.”  He ran his hands over Jensen’s back and shushed him.  “The baby is okay, right?”

Jensen didn’t hear him.  He was too upset to pay attention at that moment.  Instead, he clung to Jared, holding him long enough to make up for being alone earlier.

“Hey, shh.”  Jared stood up and made an awkward move to sit behind Jensen, straddling his husband’s back so that he could massage the tension out of Jensen’s back.

Sighing, Jensen let his head fall back onto Jared’s chest.  There were a lot of benefits to being married to a massage therapist and Jared knowing exactly which muscle to manipulate was high up on the list.

“Let me take care of you for a change?  Okay?”  Resting his chin on Jensen’s shoulder, Jared pressed a kiss to his temple.  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.  I…”  His voice changed from soft to determined.  “It isn’t going to happen again.  We’ll figure it out.  There is no way that is happening ever again.”  He kept up his massage as he sighed with guilt.  “Dr. Carlson said everything is okay?”

“Yeah.  She said the baby is great.  The bleeding was normal.  It was fucking scary though.”  He let out a groan as Jared hit a good spot and worked out a sore spot.  “Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“I heard the baby’s heartbeat.”

“You did?”

Jensen couldn’t tell if Jared sounded hurt or intrigued.  He figured it was a little bit of both and he’d been expecting that.  “Yeah.”  Quick to cover up Jared’s disappointment, Jensen spit out the next sentence in a rush.  “But Ali told me you could hear it next week at our appointment.”

“Ohh.”

“Jay, baby, I’m sorry you didn’t get to hear it too.  It felt…wrong…not having you there.  You would have smiled.  I know exactly what smile you would have made.  And, you weren’t there…but you’ll get to hear it too.  It sounded…weird.  Like there is an ocean or an alien inside me.”

Jared laughed, warm breath hitting the back of Jensen’s neck.  “It’s not an alien.”

“It’s not, right?”

“Unless I’m an alien.”  Affectionately kissing the nape of Jensen’s neck, he smiled into the tension there.  “What did it sound like?”

“It sounded…fast.  But Ali said it should slow down in a week or two.  It sounded like nothing I ever heard before.  Like galloping, like a ‘whop, whop, whop’ sound.  I guess…I guess it sounded like our baby.”  Despite his hesitations about it, a smile crept its way onto Jensen’s face.

Stopping the massage suddenly, Jared hugged himself against Jensen’s back.  “Yeah?”

“Mmm hmm.”  Wiggling backwards into Jared’s hold, Jensen made a noise of annoyance.  “Hey, don’t stop.  You were just getting to the good parts.”

“Sorry.”  Jared started up again, quickly promoting happy sighs out of his husband.  “I’m going to take care of you tonight, make up for everything you’ve been through today.  You’re not going to argue with me.”  He paused for a moment to see if Jensen would argue anyway.  When all he was met with were more happy exhalations, he considered the argument won.  “Anything in particular that you want?”

“Yeah, you to keep doing that.”  Jensen fell forward, elbow on his knees so that Jared could work his back more.

“Anything else?”

“Domino’s pizza.”

Jared pulled a face but hid his disagreement.  “Domino’s it is.  Anything else?”

Jensen turned enough to smirk at his husband.  “Yeah, that and for you to ride me after we eat it.”

Smirking right back, Jared’s lip curved up more on one side.  “I can definitely get on board with that.”

************

After the scare with the baby and having Jared hovering around him like he might break for the last three days, Jensen needed to get out of the house.

He appreciated his husband’s concern, he really did, but couldn’t stand the way Jared was starting to crowd his personal space with concern and his own special brand of mother-henning.

True, he had gotten some pretty stellar sex out of the deal.  It was the only part of the process that Jensen had no problem in agreeing to “take it easy,” as Jared had kept reprimanding him.  He had been perfectly happy laying back and letting Jared do a fan-fucking-tastic job of riding him.  Just thinking about the way Jared’s body moved, the way he shifted so perfectly to bounce up and down on Jensen’s dick, was enough to make him hard again.  It twitched further when he contemplated asking Jared to go for the weekend’s round three.

That, however, wouldn’t solve anything.  Then he would still be in the house and after the phenomenal sex he would still be subjected to Jared staring at him and worrying.

Instead, he called Doug.  He needed to get out of the house and clear his mind.

Habitually, he asked Doug to meet them at their favorite sports bar in town.  The words were out of his mouth before he realized that their favorite sports bar had very few reasons for a pregnant person to suggest it.  It was gritty but it had a certain raffish charm.  Plus, it was their stress relief.  It had been there for them through many a breakup, argument, or panic attack.  It was the first place Jensen always thought about when he needed to put some personal time into effect.  Jared came with them too sometimes, but both Jared and Scott knew that Rookie’s was Jensen and Doug’s place.

Doug didn’t even hesitate.  He sounded about ready to drop before he gave Jensen an enthusiastic acceptance to his suggestion of meeting up for a while.

Kissing Jared goodbye, his husband gave him a frown but didn’t try to stop him.  As nice as being pampered had been for one night, it was getting old quick.  Jensen wanted their lives to fall back into their normal routine, one where Jared didn’t watch his every move.  He knew Jared meant well, but it was getting annoying.

Pushing open the door to Rookie’s, Jensen was hit with the familiar aroma of greasy bar food and beer.  He’d been afraid it would turn his stomach, but it seemed to do the exact opposite.  His stomach gave out a surprising growl and Jensen had to laugh at the fact that apparently a mix of Zofran and greasy food was working for his morning sickness.  There was no logic in that, but, as he’d learned, logic took a flying leap a while ago.

“Jensen!”

Looked towards the sound of his name, Jensen found Doug waving at him from a stool at the end of the bar.

“Hey, Doug.”  Swallowing, Jensen figured he would have to face this moment sooner or later.  In the distracting hustle and bustle of the bar, it seemed like the best time and place to do so.  Maybe it was nerves, or discomfort, but the closer he got to Doug, the more Jensen’s stomach decided to reverse course and head towards throwing up.  He must have made a face in his attempts to push the nausea away because Doug was looking at him with concern.

“You okay, man?”

“Yeah, fine, just…is it hot in here?”  Trying to compose himself, Jensen took a deep breath and hopped on a stool.

“No.  It’s kind of chilly actually.”  Doug looked at Jensen like he was crazy before shrugging.

“Ohh, well…I’m fine.”  Without anything else to say, Jensen brushed it off and pretended to look over the beers on tap.  It served as a distraction, but also a reminder of how much he missed a nice cold beer.

“Whatever, man.  If you’re hot, maybe a drink will help you cool down.”  He raised his hand to get the bartenders attention.  “Two Sam Adam’s please.”

“Coming right up!”  The bartender gave a smile and a nod.

Just before she was about to turn towards her task, Jensen’s voice piped up.  “Actually, can you make one of those a Sprite?”

“Sure thing.”  Giving another smile and nod, the waitress didn’t question the change in order but Doug did.

“Sprite?  What the hell?  Did you invite me out for a soft drink?”  Doug laughed and slapped Jensen on the back.  “Come on Jen, it’s the weekend.”

Licking his lips nervously, Jensen sighed.  He had kept his secret long enough and after this weekend he felt like he really needed to talk to someone else about it other than Jared.  He knew they promised to wait until next week, but he couldn’t do that anymore.  He had needed to get out of the house and part of that was also a need to vent.  There had been so much going on, so many changes, and the world knew about none of them.  Besides, it was getting harder to hide his condition when he was sitting in a room full of alcoholic drinks he’s made friends with on more than one occasion and deciding to drink Sprite.

“Jensen, I’m just kidding you.  Relax.”  Doug shook his head and took a long draw from him pint glass.  “What’s going on with you?  Everything okay?  Jared okay?”

Those were valid questions but Jensen wasn’t focused on answering any of them.  “I’m pregnant.”

The words hit Doug mid sip and he practically spit the contents of his mouth back into the glass.  He stared at his friend for a good while before getting off his chair and pulling Jensen into a rough hug, clapping him enthusiastically on the back.  “That’s awesome!”

When Doug released him, Jensen took a shaky seat on the stool as he cursed himself.  “Oh my god, I just told you I’m pregnant in the middle of Rookie’s.”

“Wait….so it’s not awesome?”  Cocking his head to the side, Doug didn’t know what to make of his friend’s reaction.

“No, it is awesome.  But _I’m_ pregnant.  Me.  Jensen.”  He pointed to himself.  “And I just told you in a sports bar, _our sports bar_.  Dude, I talked you about college hook ups and breakups and fucking football pools here.”  Jensen ran both hand’s though his hair and fisted them there for a moment.

“It’s also where you told me you were going to ask Jared to marry you.”

“I did didn’t I?”

“Yeah.  It makes perfect sense to me that we would talk about other milestones here.”  Doug shook his head and gave Jensen a punch in the arm.  “And that’s pretty much a giant milestone.”

Rolling his eyes, Jensen let out a snort.  “Tell me about it.”

“I mean…you.  You…with the weird aversion to even talking about hypothetically getting pregnant.  And now you're…wow…”

“I _know_.” 

“But that’s awesome, man.  It’s great.  I know you were thinking about it.  I didn’t know you were actually gonna do it.  Wow, pregnant?”  Doug looked like the news had just blown his mind.

“Yep.  Eleven weeks.”

“Shit, way to shock a guy.  Eleven?  So,”  Doug passed and thought backwards in his head, “when you canceled on joining the poker game because you had the flu…”

“Morning sickness.”

“And our BBQ last week?”

“Morning fucking sickness.”

Doug’s eyes widened.  “Fuck.  You could have at least told me you were trying.”  He took a long draw from his glass.

“We didn’t want to tell anyone just in case it didn’t go well.  We’ve had one too many of those conversations.  Technically, no one but you and Jared know.  We were waiting to tell everyone until after our appointment next week.”

“Jared doesn’t know you're telling me?”

“I wasn’t exactly planning on telling you at this very moment.  I just needed to get out of the house, needed some time with a friend.  Then it just spilled out.  I couldn’t keep it in anymore.”

“Ohhhh, Jared’s gonna kill,” Doug drew out the word for emphasis, “you.”

“Only if you tell him I told you.”  Jensen took a sip from his Spirit, grimacing that it wasn’t even close to the beer he was suddenly craving.  “Why am I on the receiving end of that warning every time I talk to you?”

Doug shrugged.  “Hey, my lips are sealed.  You know that.”

“I do.  I guess that's why I told you.  I just needed to talk to someone.  I’ve been going crazy keeping this to myself.  I’ve been going crazy trying to be me and be pregnant at the same time.  And Jared is _driving me crazy_.”

“He’s that bad already?”

“It’s not really his fault.  I kinda…I had a scare a few days ago.  Everything is fine, but I was bleeding a little bit and thought maybe I was miscarrying.”  At Doug’s alarmed face, Jensen put up a hand.  “I didn’t.  I’m fine.  But it scared both of us and Jared deals with being scared by trying to nurture things to death.”

“That doesn’t sound so terrible.”  Doug smiled but backed away from it when he saw Jensen’s face.  “But this is you we're talking about so I'm sure you were crawling out of your skin to get out of there by day two.  So what?  You took off and went to the least seemingly pregnant place you could think of?”

“Something like that.”  Jensen thought maybe Doug hit the nail on the head more soundly than he realized.  It made sense.  Jensen just wanted to not deal with the fear or any reason for the fear that he had felt three days ago. 

They sat in silence for a moment before Doug piped up again.  “So, my best friend is pregnant, huh?”

“Yeah.”  Raising an eyebrow, Jensen shook his head like he couldn’t believe it himself.

“Does that mean I have to throw you a baby shower or something?”

“Oh _god_ no.”  Jensen coughed on a mouthful of Sprite and glared at Doug.

“Okay, good, because I’m not really into that shit.  But I hope you know I will be spoiling said niece or nephew.  You don’t need a party for that.”

“I don’t doubt that in the slightest.”

“Hey,”  Doug raised his beer and waited for Jensen to do the same with his Sprite.  They knocked their glasses together and shared a smile.  “Congratulations.  This is great.  Really great.  I am happy for you and Jared.”

“Thanks.  Me too.  This is going to be good, right?  How can it not be good?”

“Who are you trying to prove that to, huh?  Of course it Is going to be good.  It’s going to be _weird_ , you being all…I dunno, big and pregnant and shit, but it’s going to be good.  Emmy will have a friend to play with.  Plus, everyone knows how much you two want a baby.  It’s going to be awesome, Jensen.”

“Ugh, ‘big and pregnant and shit.’”  Jensen let his head fall into his hands again.  “Thanks for reminding me.”  His head spun with the thought and his stomach twisted.  “You’re going to make me throw up.”

“It doesn’t seem to take much these days.”

“Not really.  I am nauseous _all_ the time.  It’s like hell.  And it never goes away, it just gets more manageable.”  Cupping a hand to his middle, Jensen struggled to break away from the queasy feeling.

“It’ll get better.  It did for Scott.  It took a while, but he was good.”

“How long is a ‘a while?’”

“Eighteen weeks or so.”

“Eighteen weeks?  Are you kidding me?”

“Hey, you might have it better than him.”

“Or worse.”  Jensen groaned at the thought.  He was hoping for kicking his nausea thing in the ass as soon as possible but the baby didn’t seem in agreement with that plan.

Doug fished around in his pocket before tossing a wrapped hard candy on the bartop.  “Try those.  They are a ginger candy.  Scott used to eat them all the time.  He said they really helped.  We had them _everywhere_ in the house.  I took a liking to them myself, probably because Scott would refuse to kiss me if I tasted like anything other than them.  Anyway, you can get them in most food stores.”

“Yeah?  Thanks.”  Jensen tucked the candy away for later but the way the pub smells had changed on him, he thought later might be a lot soon than expected.

“But, you’re good though, right?  Other than that scare you told me about, you’re doing good?”

Jensen smiled.  No matter how uncomfortable talking about the subject matter was, he couldn’t help but love the answer to that question.  “Yeah, we’re good.  The baby is good.  I heard its heartbeat and its…it’s weird but amazing.  And, honestly, I feel a lot better talking to you.  It’s been so hard to say anything to Jared.  I mean, you know me, you know I get _weird_ when I talk about my ability to get pregnant.  It is why half the people I know don’t even know I can get pregnant.  You know it is me just being a freak and almost phobic about it.  Jared knows that too, but I don’t want him to get my panic attacks confused with him thinking I don’t want to be pregnant.  You know?”

“Yeah.  I do.  That is why your news shocked me.  I mean…you must be freaking out big time.  I mean, look at you.  You are using the word pregnant and everything.  You’ve come a long way Jensen Ackles.”  Doug slapped him on the back.  “I’ve known you since…forever…and you always got a little green around the gills when people talked about getting pregnant or giving birth.  I guess that is why they call them phobias, because they don’t have to be based in logic, but man, Jensen, I never really got it.”

Jensen shrugged.  He never really got it either; it has been a feeling in his gut that existed ever since he was cognizant enough to pay attention in biology class.  “I know.  I’ve just always been that way.  I stupidly think…thought…that those parts made _me_ weak.  I didn’t think that about anyone else.  I mean, shit, I saw what Jared went through, that wasn’t weak.  But I thought that I couldn’t handle it and that made me weak.  But now I’m doing it and I have no choice but to go with it.  I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it.  Man, I think… _I_ know…I love this baby.”  He’d never said that out loud before, but now he knew it had been true for a long time.  It sounded cliché but he guessed that was why things were cliché because he couldn’t help but feel that way.  “It’s fucking insane though, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but of course you love that baby.  Have you met yourself?  You do everything for those you love.”  Doug laughed.  “Your family is going to _flip_.  You do know that, right?”

“I know.  Next week is going to be…”

“Fun?”  Doug teased as he elbowed Jensen in the ribs.  “Can I come too?”

“So you can catch the train wreck?  No thank you.”  Jensen shook his head fervidly and put up both palms.  He was cut off by Doug’s phone ringing.

Pulling his phone out, Doug gave Jensen and apologetic glance.  “Sorry, it’s Scott.  Give me one second.”  Doug took the call and pressed the phone to his ear.  “Hey Scott, what’s up?”  At Scott’s response, Doug's eyes flickered towards Jensen as he laughed with all he had in him.

Jensen pulled back, confused as to why Doug was laughing at him.  “What?”

“Scott wants to know if I knew you are pregnant.”  Doug put his hand over the receiver.  “He’s in the bathroom at your house.  Apparently, Jared had the same idea as you.”

Shaking his head knowingly, Jensen laughed.  “At least I know which one of you is the trustworthy one.”

Doug was laughing again, cradling the phone to his ear while sharing a moment with Scott.  “Scott wants to know if he can come to your house when you tell your parents.”

“Ha ha ha.”  Jensen snarled and punched Doug.  He wasn’t mad, if anything he was glad because there was no way Jared could get mad at him when he did the same thing himself.

Doug and Scott were still laughing, making him think that telling his parents was going to be more of a production than he originally thought.

He would cross that bridge in a week.

Right now, the person sitting next to him was eating some pretty delicious looking cheesy fries, and those seemed like a more doable conquest.

His stomach made a growl in protest.

Or...maybe not so doable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading my darlings! I appreciate all the lovely kudos and comments. :-)


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, h/c, mpreg!Jensen, vomiting, porn, bottom!Jared  
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> AMAZING banner and betaing by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.

It was repetitive soft kisses behind his ear that roused Jensen from his sleep.  He snuggled deeper into the pillow but didn’t pull away from the affection.

From the way Jared was happily humming in his ear, Jensen could tell that his husband was happy.  His hands were roaming up and down Jensen’s body, moving slowly in the laziness of the morning.  They tiptoed down Jensen’s arm and suddenly he was coasting a palm over Jensen’s stomach.

Jensen’s body tensed on its own accord the moment he felt Jared’s palm flatten to his middle.  It wasn’t like this was the first time Jared had shown affection to Jensen’s stomach before.  Truthfully, Jared had paid homage to all of Jensen’s parts.  But Jensen knew the exact reason why Jared’s hand wasn’t budging.

Jared either decided to ignore or didn’t notice Jensen’s reaction to the touch.  He pressed his hand more firmly and curled the tips of his fingers the slightest bit.  “Your belly’s curving outward.”

Snorting, before mumbling into the pillow, Jensen grumbled. “s’not.”

“Is too.”  Jared shifted his palm and stroked over the barely there puffed up change in his husband’s body.

“Is not.”  This time Jensen growled it and rolled so that he was fully on his back.  In this position he could look Jared square in the eye enough to catch the devious grin on his husband’s face.  “What?”

Jared shrugged once before yanking down the sheets to reveal Jensen’s naked body.  “You’ve got a little belly.”

Jensen went to grab Jared but Jared ducked down fast enough to avoid the swipe of his hand.  He pressed a gentle kiss directly below Jensen’s belly button and continued to cup his husband’s middle with one hand bracketing each side.

The attention Jared was lavishing on his stomach drew Jensen’s attention and he couldn’t help but look down at the area his husband was so focused on.  To his dismay, he couldn’t argue with Jared.  There was a softness there.  It was slight but it was enough for someone who was as familiar with his body as he and Jared were to take notice of it.  His stomach was usually flat and firm.  He’d always been fit, but the tight abs of his college years have settled into a happy plateau of solid definition rather than completely chiseled.  Right now, however, his middle looked softer.  It’s definitely more swollen.  “Shit.  _I_ have a little belly.”

“Yeah you do.”  They way Jared emphasized the words made pride roll off of them.  “And we get to see inside there today.”

“Ugh, that’s creepy.”  Jensen pressed a hand to his forehead.  “Jay, it is far too early for you to be creepy right now.”

“It’s not creepy.”  Jared pouted and fell back on his heels.  “It’s exciting.”

“Okay, yeah, it’s exciting but….”  Jensen paused for a moment.  He wasn’t going to win this argument if he tried to have it.  He’d been waiting for their ultrasound appointment more than Jared had.  After his scare last week he needed to see more proof that their baby was okay.  So, yeah, the appointment came with more than just excitement.  “Come on, Jare, you gotta admit it is weird that they are going to look inside me.  That is a little creepy.”

“They are looking inside of you to see a _baby_.  _Babies_ are not creepy.”

“It sounds like an alien.  It might be creepy.”

The moment Jensen mentioned hearing the baby, Jared’s eyes flashed with sadness.  It was fleeting, but it reminded Jensen that Jared was still feeling the effects of not being there for Jensen when he was bleeding and listening to the baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

They sat in silence for a moment before Jensen reached out and gave Jared’s thigh a squeeze.  “I’m sorry, you’re right.  It’s our baby.  Our baby could never be creepy.”  He reached far enough to snag Jared around the waist and bring them face to face.  “Now kiss me before I have to throw up.”

Jared laughed, eyebrows rising in time with the sound.  “That’s really romantic.  How could I refuse that?”

“Shut up.  I’m having your baby.  I’m allowed to be disgusting.”  Jensen’s facial expression challenged his husband but it wasn’t necessary.  Jared’s lips were on his instantly.

It’s a perfectly decent kiss, but Jensen’s stomach rolled.  They’d shared plenty of wakeup kisses, having long grown immune to each other’s morning breath in favor of basking in one another’s attention.  Despite having participated in similar kisses countless times before, the stale tastes in their mouth did Jensen in and he pulled away looking sick to his stomach.

Jared looked baffled.  He reared back to give his husband room, but he didn’t know how to help. “Jen?”

For a moment, Jensen had control of his nausea but he knew that won’t last long.  “I’m gonna go throw up and then shower.  Can you make waffles?”  Jensen pressed his fingers to his mouth and closed his eyes while attempting to keep his nausea at bay.  When he went to get off the bed, Jared grabbed his wrist.

“ _You_ want _me_ to make you waffles?”

It took Jensen a beat to have enough composure to formulate a response.  “That’s kinda not the more time sensitive issue here.” 

Letting go of his husband’s wrist apologetically, Jared blushed.  “You’re right.  I’m sorry.  Do you need any help?”

Jensen tried for a reassuring smile but he knew it came off as rushed and unfinished.  “Nope.  Just gonna go retch into the toilet.  At the moment, I’m pretty much and expert in that.”  Mostly because he couldn’t, Jensen didn’t wait for a response.  He padded his way to the bathroom and slammed the bathroom door.  Jared had seen him get sick enough to fill a whole lifetime.  At least he can shield one of them from the process.

Besides, this pregnancy quirk was almost habitual now.  Jensen knew how to deal with it.  That didn’t mean he didn’t hate it, he still loathed it with a passion, but he could hold onto thoughts of going to the doctor to make sure his baby is doing well long enough to get through vomiting.

******************

“You gained four pounds back!”  Ali smiled at this news like most people should be happy about gaining weight.

Oddly, Jensen _was_ happy.  He got off the scale, still staring at the numbers to make sure all his diligence had paid off.  His newly swollen middle coupled with still weighing less than before this whole ordeal began didn’t seem to make any sense but Jensen knew it did.  He knew he’d still been throwing up but he’d been better about taking care of that fact.

“You need to gain the other four back too, and then some.”  Ali’s voice switched over to doctor mode as she gave her patient a pointed look.

Jensen didn’t like the sound of “and then some”.  He’d been a lot of things in life, but notably heavier than his current weight wasn’t one of them.  He’d been tired, dizzy, bloated, and nauseous before; those were not symptoms solely designated to pregnancy.  But he’d never been expected to gain a significant amount of weight and celebrate that fact.

Still, even though he didn’t like it, he knew for a fact that he was going to commit himself to doing it.  “How much weight are we talking here?”

“For you?  I don’ t know, 20-30 pounds?”

Jared’s instantly concerned.  “That seems almost impossible, given the fact that he throws up everything I put in front of him.”  He tried to wrap his brain around ways to get some weight on Jensen but laughed.  “Then again, with the amount of fast food he’s been sneaking in, it might not be such an unachievable feat.”

“Hmm.”  Ali gave Jensen a quick smile. “Fast food does it for you too?”

“I dunno, I guess.  It doesn’t want to come back up for an encore or anything, which really makes no sense because…fast food?  Really?”  Jensen shrugged.  He was baffled by why his body was okay with putting crap in it, but he was afraid to think on it too hard in fear of his stomach losing his tolerance of it.  “But, yeah.”

“What’s your poison?”  Ali raised one hand in declaration.  “I was a Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich girl all through my pregnancy with Callie.”

The sound of spicy chicken usually didn’t sit well with Jensen, but his stomach seemed on board with it and he smiled.  “Umm, right now, I’m kind of addicted to Dunkin Donuts’ egg and cheese croissant sandwiches.”

Wrinkling her nose, Ali stuck her tongue out.  “Eww, that’s gross.”

Jensen watched Jared nod in agreement.  Crossing his arms over his chest, he huffed.  “Hey, who’s side are you on here?”

“The ‘you gaining weight’ side.  You’re going to gain at least 15 pounds of baby related weight regardless of what you eat.  If fast food is the only thing you can keep down right now, then go for it.  But I’d rather it not be an everyday occurrence when things start evening out.  If things look good today then you can go back to running which is healthy, but I want you to try to eat something other than fast food too.”

Scratching at the back of his neck, Jensen didn’t want to bring up the fact that he did eat a lot of things that weren’t fast food.  Unfortunately, none of those things were food Jared cooked.  He had made himself a lot of meals over the past week.  While he still threw up, it was long enough before or after eating that he figured the food must have done him _some_ good.  It bothered Jared, he knew that despite the fact that his husband never voiced that issue.  Not once.  Still, Jared liked taking care of him, and suddenly being stripped of both his ability to bear children and take care of his husband made him hover more.  Before they got stuck on talking about his diet, Jensen rolled his eyes over towards the ultrasound machine in the corner.  “So…now?”

Getting the point, the doctor nodded.  “Guess what?”  Ali smiled as she turned towards Jensen.  “You get to keep your clothing on this time.  I kind of ran the gamut of testing you last week.  All I need is access to your middle and we’re good.  We didn’t really get to that part before, kinda wanted to wait till we had a full house.”  The smile Ali gave Jared was so genuine that it destroyed any unease that may have been hanging around due to reference of Jensen’s emergency visit last week.  “So hop up.”  Patting the exam table, Ali gave Jensen an expectant look.

Jensen raised an eyebrow at her but took a seat on the edge of the table.

“You can swing your legs up and lie back.”  Stepping back, Ali paused while her patient followed her instructions.  “Shirt up, pants tugged down.”

Jensen gifted her with another eyebrow raise but all it did was make her laugh.

“I might have to look around a bit for your little one.  I just want your clothing out of the way so that they don’t get ultrasound gel on them or impede my range of motion.”

“Oh, yeah.  Okay.”  Jensen slid his shirt up to his rib cage and unbuttoned his jeans so he could shimmy them down.  When Ali tugged them lower still, almost exposing himself, he tensed and grabbed her wrist with one hand.

Carefully prying Jensen’s fingers from around her wrist with her free hand, Ali attempted to reassure him.  “Relax, I’m not going any lower.  Besides, I’ve seen it all already and based on your condition I’m guessing Jared has too.”

Jared snorted before letting out a burst of laughter.  “Once or twice, yeah.”

Ali spun and shared in Jared’s laughter, playing off his sarcasm with a mock gullible attitude.  “Oh, I’m beating you then.  I’ve seen it thrice.”

Jensen turned red instantly.  He wanted to tug his shirt back down and find some shred of dignity, but the sound of Jared’s laughter hit his ears and he couldn’t.  Furthermore, it wouldn’t do him any good if he kicked both his doctor and his husband out of the room.  They’d get nothing done that way. 

It felt good to hear Jared laughing.  He’d been afraid of what Jared’s reaction would be during this appointment and he knew Jared had been unintentionally feeding off of that anxiety.  It’s not like Jared could help it, it is a side effect of being married and being lucky enough to be so in tune with each other.  Jensen definitely considers that lucky, because even when they feed off of each other’s negative emotions, it still helps them understand each other more clearly than anyone else they know.  Like right now; right now he knew Jared was a bundle of nerves because they’d never really made it this far before.  It’s worse because Jensen felt like he was somehow cheating Jared out of the experience by being the one who gets to carry their child.  It’s the same feeling he got with every milestone and he couldn’t do anything about it.  But Jared was laughing and that made Jensen smile wide enough to swallow any discomfort at being the butt of their jokes.  He’s not even going to try to beat them, he’d join them instead.  “You just wish you got this,” he made a vague gesture to his torso, “on a regular basis.”

It was Ali’s turn to snort when she gave Jensen a surprised eyebrow raise before dissolving into a smile.  “There is that sense of humor.”  She grabbed a bottle of ultrasound gel and gave it a shake.  “This is a little cold.”  Despite the warning, Jensen flinched when she squirted a swirl of it on his middle.  “Looks like you’re starting to show.  You’ve got a bit of a belly.”

“That’s what I said this morning!”  Jared squeezed Jensen’s shoulder gently to make sure his husband knew the statement was far from an insult.  There was no mistaking that because Jared’s voice sounded soft and full of wonder.  It was almost enough to make Jensen feel uncomfortable because he didn’t seem to do well with the overly sweet adorations towards being pregnant.

“I don’t have a belly.”  Narrowing his eyes at both his doctor and his husband, Jensen huffed.  He tried to stretch his arms over his head and elongate his body but it didn’t do much to displace the slight swell in his middle.  It didn’t matter.  He _didn’t_ have a belly and that was the story he was sticking to.

“Ok, fine.”  Ali let out a laugh and flicked on the ultrasound monitor.  “You don’t have a belly…yet.”  She looked over her shoulder and mouthed “yes he does” to Jared.  Turning back to Jensen, ultrasound transducer in hand, she went serious.  “So, I am going to roll this sensor over your middle and we are going to try to get a good look at your baby.  You okay with that?  Should I have a garbage pail on standby in case your overwhelming need to throw up wants to join the party?”

He couldn’t blame her for asking.  He didn’t have the best track record when it came to dealing with proof of their child’s existence.  Though he very much wants that baby to exist, hearing or seeing proof of that seemed to add even more weight to his shoulders.  It made his stomach twist up in familiar knots again.  There were nerves there, weird pangs of anxiety over what was going to happen.  Mostly, however, there was just the need for Dr. Carlson to say everything was great.  He needed that and fear over not hearing that _did_ make him want to throw up.  He wasn’t going to lie to Ali because, truthfully, he had no idea how he was going to react.  “Um, maybe you could keep one on standby, yeah…”

Ali gave him a look to let him know she understood but her expression was tinged with sadness.  She was professional enough not to give Jensen hope before she could say with certainty that everything was or wasn’t okay, but he could tell she wanted too.  That was why Jensen liked her; she didn’t mess around with fluff and more pleasant sounding terms.  She told it to him straight, like he could handle it…because he could.   She slid a small garbage pail closer with her foot.  “Ready, guys?”

“Mmm hmm.”  Jared nodded, sucking in his lips.

Jensen stretched out over the examination table, giving Ali free reign of his middle.  He was loving the fact that his feet weren’t in those blasted stirrups and he wasn’t wearing a paper gown.  It’s a beautiful thing.  Ali was asking him something but he wasn’t hearing her anymore.  He was too busy watching her move the wand over his middle that he completely missed the reason why Jared took in a sudden gasp of air.  Instantly, his eyes flew to Jared.  His husband’s fingers were rubbing against his palm and before Jensen even realized what was going on, Jared was squeezing Jensen’s left hand, weaving their fingers together like he’d die if he didn’t.  He followed Jared’s gaze to the screen.  He’d seen similar images before, the weird gray and static looking world inside his womb, but there was something new that made his heart clench so tight he was certain it wasn’t beating.

He was looking at a squirming humanoid shape on the screen.  The image would not stop moving.  It wiggled, rolled, twisted, and turned.  “Woah.”

Turning to face both men, Ali had a giant grin on her face.  “Yeah.  You’ve got yourself a dancing baby in there.”  She went back to studying the monitor and moved the wand.

“Is it…is it okay that it’s moving so much?”  Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand tighter but didn’t move his eyes from the screen.

“Yeah.  It’s normal.  Sometimes they’re really active.  Yours is especially so.  It’s fine but it is making it rather difficult to get some measurements.”

Jensen stared at the screen.  The picture was grainy, like an out of focus picture that he had to stare at for a while in order to realize what it was.  The curve of a head and tucked in arms and legs made it easy to see that it was a fetus.  He’d seen a million pictures of them before, but none of them were his and Jared’s baby.  None of those pictures made him feel anything except mildly disturbed that his body could produce something like that.

He took a deep breath, lungs shuddering on the inhale as he watched the baby move.

“You okay over there?”  Ali asked.

Not trusting his words, Jensen nodded.

“Jen?”  Jared licked his lips and looked down at his husband.  “Say something.”

“It looks like an alien,” Jensen said on an exhale.

Ali and Jared let out a laugh in unison.

“Yeah, I get the allusion.  It’s probably weird seeing inside your womb, but there isn’t going to be any belly bursting going on.”  She laughed when Jensen cringed.  “That baby is coming out the old fashioned way.”  Her laughter changed to a nervous giggle when she saw Jensen pale and cringe again. “Umm, maybe I shouldn’t have brought that up just yet.”

“You’re probably right.”  Jensen closed his eyes and took a deep breath before returning his gaze to the screen.  He tried to make out more of the image but the baby kept shifting.

“Well, look,” Ali pointed to the screen.  “There are the arms and those are the legs.  They’re a little hard to see because the baby has them tucked up.  But you can see the stomach and the profile of the face clear enough.  I promise you, it’s not an alien.”

“It’s head is so…big.”  The words sounded stupid now that he’d said them, but the filter between Jensen’s brain and mouth had disappeared the moment he saw his baby on the screen.  He felt partially stunned and partially like he’d gone dumb.

Ali froze the screen and took several measurements before shaking her head.  “Nope.  It’s measuring just as it should be.  Their head always seems way too large because it has a lot of developing to do.  There is a little brain in there.”

“Oh god…there _is_ a brain in there.”  Jensen’s heart teetered on the edge of beating too fast as he tried to keep himself from over analyzing that fact; only it was hard not to when he was faced with proof that there were little hands and legs and a developing brain inside him.  The baby shimmied, prompting Jared to make a sound of absolute adoration that also broke Jensen out of his thoughts.

“Can you feel it?”  Jared traced the screen with his finger.  “When it moves like that, can you feel it?”  Turning towards Jensen, there was a hint of longing to his face.  “What does it feel like?”

Frowning, Jensen shook his head.  “Nah, I can’t feel it.  I mean…it looks like I should be able to since it never stops moving, but I can’t feel it.  I have no idea what it feels like.”  He also had no idea if he should be concerned over that fact.  Logically, he figured he should be able to feel the going-ons of his body but no physical feeling correlated with the show their baby was putting on.  “That’s okay, right?”

“Perfectly.  I can’t give you a definite time line because some people feel movement as early as 14 weeks, but it can take as long as into 24 weeks.  You’ll probably feel it sooner than that because you don’t have a lot of meat on your bones.  You might not recognize the movement right away, but it will feel like…bubbles or fluttering.”  She paused when both men gave her an inquiring look.  “Well, to be blunt, you’ll probably think it is gas.”

“Gas, really?”  Raising an eyebrow, Jensen tried to think if he’d felt anything similar.  Sure, he’d felt gas over the past few weeks, but nothing out of the ordinary.  He snorted at Ali’s no-nonsense association between the two feelings.

“Yeah.  Lovely comparison, I know, but there’ll be grosser things.”  She pointed to movement on the screen.  “See that?  That’s the heart beat.  It looks good.”  Flipping a switch and filling the room with a whooshing sound Jensen had heard before, she grinned at Jared.  “Sounds good too.  How do you like that, Jared?”

“I, uh…wow.”  Jared smiled from ear to ear and curled his fingers into the center of Jensen’s palm.  “Wow.  I like that.  I _love_ that.”  The man looked like the sound had just hit him in the heart and his eyes were shining with the telltale signs of filling with tears.  “You’re right Jen, it does sound like an alien.”

“Yeah.”  Licking his lips, Jensen looked up to see his husband on the brink of crying.  Getting this far in their baby’s development was a milestone they’d missed countless times before.  There was no doubt it was hitting Jared hard right now but it hit him just as hard.  “Hey, Jare?  That’s our baby’s heart beat.  _Our baby’s_.  And it’s healthy and it has arms and legs and…oh fuck, Jay…”  Jensen forgot himself for the moment and sat up straight on the bed, earning him a gasp from Ali when the movement forced the transducer to lose contact with his middle.  “Jared…”  Jensen reached out and wrapped an arm around Jared’s waist, pulling him closer in one firm yank.  Within seconds he had his mouth pressed to Jared’s.  He wasn’t going to cry.  Nope.  He wasn’t.  He was going to kiss his husband until Jared melted at his feet.  He was certain the salty wetness that mingled with their kiss was not his tears.

Certainly not.

But his vision was blurry and his heart was exploding with hormones and love and there was no way Jensen was letting go of Jared just yet; it was instinctual, like he needed the connection.  Dominating the kiss, he pressed forward.  It was weird seeing something growing inside of him but it felt right that Jared was there to finally hear the heartbeat and watch their baby show it was alive.

And Jared was crying, the good type of crying.

And shit, maybe he was too.

******************

“Jared?”  Jensen craned his neck around the bend in the hallway, searching out noise to alert him to his husband’s presence.  There was none.  The house was silent.  Popping into their bedroom, he was quiet enough to go unnoticed when he found Jared sitting in the middle of their bed. 

Jared was sitting cross-legged in nothing but his boxer briefs.  Though he was deep in thought, it was the down turned corners of his mouth made it obvious that there was a sadness about him.  He had one hand pressed against his abdomen, directly below his belly button.  The other hand clutched a small square of paper.  Jensen knew what it was immediately, having spent his fair share of time studying it after Ali had printed out several scans of their baby.

Jensen’s heart broke the way it always did when he saw Jared struggling with this particular demon.  “Jared?”

Letting out a gasp, Jared spun to face the door.  “Shit!  Jensen!  You scared the shit out of me.”  Guilt quickly replaced the surprise as he shoved the ultrasound photo behind his back and out of sight.

“I’m sorry, baby.  I didn’t mean to scare you.”  Jensen proceeded with caution, walking into the room and sitting at the edge of the bed.  “What ‘cha doing, baby?”

“Um, nothing.  Just thinking.”  Trying to give a reassuring smile, he turned towards Jensen.  “You let Daisy out for the night?”

“Yeah, she’s good,” Jensen replied.  “What were you thinking about?  You look sad, Jay.”

“Nothing.”

“Jay…”  Jensen’s tone held a warning with it, letting his husband know that he should know better than to hide things from him.  “You thinking about the baby?”

“No…I…”  Chewing his lip, Jared sighed.  “Yeah, I….” he gave a defeated sigh “…yeah.”

“What about? Huh?” Though Jared tried to look away, Jensen tilted Jared’s head back towards their conversation.

“Don’t worry about it Jensen.  I don’t want to stress you out with my worries.  It’s okay.  Promise.”

“Jared, seriously?  After all my freak outs?  You are entitled to have…things…that you need to talk about.  Now, what’s going on?  I saw you looking at the ultrasound picture.”

“I…ugh, Jensen, this sounds so selfish and….and completely ridiculous.”  Jared tried to brush his husband’s concern away but Jensen kept pulling him back and forcing him to focus.  “I just…I don’t know…today was amazing and I just….I wish…”  Pausing, he grabbed Jensen’s hand and gave a defeated sigh.  “God, I’m probably the worst husband in the world and you probably think I am so ungrateful, but I saw the baby and I wished I was carrying it inside of me.  I wish…”  Jared let his palm cup his middle again.  “I just wish I could feel what you can.  But I can’t.  And I never will.  And it just reminded me of how broken I feel.”  In an instant, Jared’s composure went out the window and he shattered in front of Jensen.  He shuddered, giving one last try at keeping it together before the tears fell.

“Oh, Jay.  No.  You’re not broken.  Remember?  You’re not.”  Jensen pulled Jared close to his body, crushing the two of them together.  Jared’s palm was still on his middle, squishing his arm awkwardly between them but he didn’t budge it.  “Jared, you’ve been holding things together for weeks.  Half of what I’m doing…well that’s all because you’re being strong enough for me too.  I couldn’t do this if you were broken.”

“I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, Jen.  I probably sound terrible.  I probably sound like I don’t appreciate the sacrifices you're making.”  He let out a loud cry, tears wetting the collar of Jensen’s t-shirt.

“I promise you, you don’t sound that way.”  Jensen held him tighter, amazed by how suddenly Jared could feel fragile in his arms.  As large as his husband was, when he fell apart, he felt unnervingly delicate.  Jared was still bleeding in his own way and Jensen knew words alone couldn’t staunch the flow.  “I’m not the only one making sacrifices.  You are too, in your own way.”

“Not like you.”  Jared tried to pull away but Jensen offered too much resistance and he gave in.  “I just _want_ it so bad.  I tried to picture it and it made me feel like a failure all over again.  And I feel like a terrible hypocrite because I am so happy that you’re pregnant.  I was so happy to see that our baby is healthy.  I feel like I’m crazy because I don’t know what to think anymore.  And I’m sorry.  It just hurts.” 

Jared uttered the last word with enough pain that it hit Jensen in the gut.  He could feel it.  He could _feel_ how much it hurt Jared.

“Jay, shhhh.”  Jensen kissed Jared softly by the ear.

“No, Jen.  You don’t know.  It’s like a hole and it _hurts_.  I wanted to have a baby but I can’t.”  Struggling to get air into his lungs, Jared coughed.

 “We _are_ having a baby.  Only, instead of being in here,” Jensen pressed his palm over the hand Jared was still resting on his own abdomen, “it’s in here.”  He slowly guided Jared’s hand towards his middle, curving it to rest over where their baby was growing.  When faced with comforting Jared, discomfort in drawing attention to his growing bump was non-existent.

Choking on a sob, Jared let out a weird laugh.  Though his touch was hesitant at first, he pressed his palm more firmly to Jensen’s stomach.  Sucking in several breaths through his nose, Jared swallowed.  “It is, isn’t it?”

Relieved that his husband seemed to be coming back to his senses, Jensen spoke with slow, reassuring certainty.  “Yeah.  It’s there.  Making me feel sick and crazy and Jay?  I’m so glad I’m doing this _with_ you.  It’s not just me.  I’m carrying the baby but without you I wouldn’t be able to.”

Wiping at his eyes, Jared’s voice was whisper quiet.  “You’re just saying that.”

“Do I ever do that?  No.  You know that.”  Jensen kissed away a tear on the right side of Jared’s face before repeating the action on the left side.  “It’s okay Jared.  It’s okay to talk to me about this stuff.  But it isn’t okay to think there is anything wrong with you.”  Keeping Jared pressed firmly against his chest, he buried his nose in his hair.  “It’s okay.  I’m going to take care of us and we’ll all be okay.”

They stayed curled like that in silence, Jared’s shuddering and cries coming few and far between.  Jared kept his hand pressed to Jensen’s middle, fingers exploring it every now and then to make sure the swell was really there.  “Jensen, I am so irrevocably in love with you.  You have no idea.  I’m pretty sure I just sounded like the most ungrateful person in the world and your response was that it’s okay and you’re going to take care of me.  I mean…what did I do to deserve that?”

“A lot.  And trust me, I have a feeling I might get a little ridiculous in the near future, so we’re good.  What happens during this pregnancy, stays with this pregnancy.”  Cupping Jared’s face in both hands, he pulled him in for a kiss.  “We’re both out of our comfort zones.  It’s going to take a little while to figure out how to navigate around this.”

“I dunno.  Sitting right here, in your arms, is pretty damn comfortable.”

“Hmm.”  Humming contently, Jensen tilted Jared’s face so they could kiss more deeply.  He went slow at first, working his lips across his husband’s and coaxing them open with small exploratory swipes of his tongue.  The kiss wasn’t about sex but it was about finding their comfort zones, where they could fall into roles they both knew how to operate.

“It was…when I…”  Jared let out a sigh and arched his neck so that Jensen could kiss the exposed curve.  “When Ali pointed out our baby on the screen, I kinda felt proud.  You know?  Proud that our baby was there and seemed so determined to stick around.”

“Me too.”  He ran his hands over Jared’s body, traveling across parts that he’d committed to memory years ago.  Jared was solid and whole.  Sometimes Jensen though he was the one that hurt more when Jared thought he was broken.  It overwhelmed him with the need to protect and shelter.  With a predatory licking of his lips, Jensen’s kisses became rougher, marking up Jared’s neck and coaxing several more moans out of him.  “Jay, I really want you.  Need to have you.  Need to show you that you’re perfect.”

Jared didn’t bother with a verbal answer.  He shifted so that he could tug Jensen’s shirt off before moving to seal their lips together.  Melting into Jensen’s hold, Jared shivered when his husband got a firm grip on his waist and man handled him so that he was straddling Jensen’s lap.

Jensen let out a breathy moan.  Whatever it was – hormones, chemistry, the need to remind Jared of how good they were together – Jensen shivered when Jared shoved their clothed lengths together.  Running a palm up Jared’s back, Jensen didn’t stop until his fingers were laced in the back of Jared’s hair firmly enough so that he could tug the man’s head back.  Jared’s mouth fell open, welcoming Jensen’s tongue as they warred it out during their kiss.

Eventually, Jensen pushed Jared backwards, blanketing his husband’s form with his body as he dipped down to keep the connection of their kiss.

By the time Jensen snaked a hand between them so that he could wrap it around Jared’s length, the younger man was panting and moaning.  He made three experimental pulls of Jared’s dick, thumb trailing through the pre-come, before Jared got impatient and threw a bottle of lube at him.

All but ripping their underwear from their bodies, Jensen made sure they were both nude when he rutted up against Jared’s thigh as he sank one lubed finger between his husbands wantonly spread legs. 

Jared fell apart the minute Jensen’s finger toyed with the rim of his entrance.  He shuddered and begged, falling apart further by the time Jensen had three fingers thrusting inside of him, deliberately avoiding giving his husband too much satisfaction too soon.  Instead, he made a slow job of getting Jared ready for him, hoping his husband realized how much he was worth.

Ultimately, Jensen was the one to let out a breathy moan.  His body needed Jared so badly he was practically shaking.

Jared caught on, watching the tremors course through Jensen’s body.  “Jen, baby, want you.  I’m good.”

Giving a smirk, Jensen pulled on one of Jared’s bent legs, jerking Jared so that he was flat on his back.  Sloppily stoking himself with a fistful of lube, he licked his lips as he looked over the spread in front of him.  “God, Jared.  You…I…”  He used Jared’s left thigh for leverage and flipped his husband’s right leg over his shoulder, pulling them so their arousals slid against each other’s and fit snugly together.  “You said you liked it when I fucked you like this.  You liked when I fucked you so deep.”  Leaning down, he nipped at Jared’s ear.  “Well, I like it too.  Gonna do it now, bury myself inside you so deeply you’ll see stars.”

Swooning, Jared’s whole body reacted to the promise, dick twitching in anticipation against Jensen’s.  “Then stop playing around.”  He groaned and arched off the bed into Jensen’s body.

“Not playing.”  Letting out a satisfied growl, Jensen got a firm hold on Jared’s hip with one hand and used his other to line his dick up with Jared’s prepped entrance.  In one fluid movement, he slid into the tight hole.

“Shit!”  Jared arched off the bed, clawing himself up Jensen’s body, attaching himself to his husband’s shoulders.  His nails dug in, clinging tightly when Jensen started to move inside him without giving him time to adjust.

With an airy grunt of power, Jensen pulled almost completely out of Jared before forcefully slamming back in.  The tight heat of Jared’s body caressed him in just the right way, forcing a loud moan from Jensen’s mouth.  Eventually, Jensen was able to let go our Jared’s hips, since the other man had latched onto his body so tightly, and gripped to the headboard with one hand for leverage.  With his other he grabbed Jared forcefully behind the neck, allowing himself a minute to watch the pleasure creep across Jared’s face with each penetrative thrust before growling into a rough kiss.

The position was one they had used before, Jared loving the way Jensen could sink inside him and Jensen loving the way Jared completely submitted to him.  Everything seemed completely routine until Jensen made a strong thrust with his hips and his belly brushed up against the backs of Jared’s thighs.  It was subtle but it was just enough to remind Jensen that his middle was growing.  He pushed forward, forcing Jared’s legs back so they were almost flush with his chest.  Between them, he could feel the heat of Jared’s dick and he heard Jared practically begging for some type of friction. 

Jared choked on a moan when he felt Jensen’s belly brushing against the desperate nerves of his cock, which was pressed flush against his abdomen due at that angle.  He shivered and curled one leg around Jensen’s back, forcing the man deeper. 

“You love this, don’t you?”  When Jensen turned his head, he was able to press a kiss to the Jared’s leg that was still thrown over his shoulder.  “You’re right Jay.  Feels so good being inside you.  Best thing in the world.”  A shiver ran down Jensen’s spine when he felt Jared constrict around him suddenly.  It was enough of a tease that he started pistoning his hips in smooth punctuated thrusts.  Closing his eyes, he let Jared’s body unravel him.  The emotions of the day had been so strong that he didn’t want to draw things out any more.  He wanted them to be intense and potent.  Letting one hand wander up to Jared’s neglected weeping dick, he started to pump it in time with his own thrusts.  “Gonna come, baby.”  He punctuated each thrust with a grunt, picking up speed to the point of coming undone.  
  
Jared growled and raised his body off the bed in time to meet Jensen’s thrusts, using a swivel of his hips to get Jensen to bury himself deeper and brush against his prostate more often.  That coupled with Jensen’s hand twisting and pumping his cock left Jared gasping for air and on the edge of an orgasm.   “It’s good…more…”  
  
Jensen bit hit bottom lip and gave it his all.  He didn’t think about anything but ripping the orgasm from Jared’s body with a combination of jack hammer thrusts and wrist flicks.  It happened suddenly, the feeling of Jared coming, hot ropes of come splashing between their bodies as the man’s muscles contracted in spasms starting a chain reaction in Jensen.  With one last attempt at giving a thorough thrust, Jensen gasped and coated Jared’s insides with his own release.

Both men collapsed ungracefully against the mattress, hips still riding out the residual waves of their orgasms.  Jensen tried to pull out of his husband so that his dead weight didn’t cause any discomfort but Jared wrapped his long legs around him to keep them locked in place.

Panting, spent and sweaty, Jensen dropped soft kisses along the bridge of Jared’s nose and peppered his sweaty forehead with them.

Jared brought his hand down to tiptoe over Jensen’s middle and gave his husband an exhausted look through his sweat drenched hair.  “Baby okay?”

“I’m great, so I’m sure the kid is great as well.”  Jensen shifted so that he could gently pull out of his husband’s body and pull Jared’s back so that it was flush against his chest.

Smiling, Jared let himself turn to mush as he relaxed into their bed.  “Promise me you’ll never stop fucking me like that?  That you’ll never stop looking at me _that_ way while you do it?”

“Oh, god, baby, do you have any doubt?  Promise.  Even when this kid is huge, I’m gonna want you like that.”

The last remnants of tension dissolved with Jensen’s promise and Jared sighed.  “Okay.  Good.  It’s just, I need that sometimes.  I need you to remind me that I can take it.  That I’m still me.”

Nuzzling Jared’s neck, Jensen pulled him tighter.  “We’re still us.  Promise.”

He meant it but he hoped things wouldn’t land themselves out of his control.  Right now though, now his promise was good.  Jared was still hurting and he was still freaking out, but they were making baby steps towards being just fine.

***********************

Standing in front of his parent’s house, it was nerves rather than pregnancy that made Jensen want to throw up in his mother’s rose bush.  He hadn’t seen his parents in several weeks, which was enough to make his mother dote on him.  Add telling them he was pregnant to the mix and Jensen was sure he wasn’t going to leave this house without a good deal of fawning.

“You good, Jen?”  Jared squeezed his husband’s hand.

“Yeah.  I’m good.  Nervous but kind of relieved, actually.  I just want to tell them so we can stop keeping this giant,” Jensen snorted at his stomach, “secret.”

Getting that they were talking about two different aspects of their news, Jared gently nudged Jensen with his shoulder.  “It’s not ‘giant’, Jen.”

Shrugging, Jensen fisted Daisy’s leash and clicked his tongue.  She sat down obediently, looking up at him in expectation of some kind of reward.  “Well, it feels giant.”

“It isn’t.”  Jared reached out a hand to stop Jensen from ringing the doorbell.  He gave his confused husband a smile and leaned in to kiss his lips.  “I just wanted to make sure you knew I love you before we went inside.”

Jensen’s puzzled expression softened as he smiled and gave a quick kiss back.  “I do know, but it’s always nice to hear it.  I love you too.  And I’m trusting you to not let my mother smother me or anything.”

Daisy gave a loud bark, seemingly frustrated at being left out of their conversation.  She let out two more solid barks, putting the doorbell out of a job and alerting the house’s residents that they had more definitely arrived.

Donna Ackles pulled open the door and was greeted with a headbutt from Daisy, immediately demanding the woman scratch her behind each ear with both hands.

“Woah, hi Daisy!”  Donna laughed and took a step backwards as the dog made her way into the house.  “It’s nice to see you too.”

To reduce his dog’ straining attempt to get as close as humanly possible to her ‘grandmother’, Jensen dropped the leash and let Daisy scamper inside.  “Hi, mom.”

“Hi, baby.”  Donna shifted so Daisy could push past her to explore the further rooms of the house and pulled Jensen into a hug.  After significantly squeezing her son, she reached towards Jared and gave him a hug of his own.  “Hi, other baby.”

Hugging back, Jared laughed.  “Hi, mom.”

Jensen smiled.  It had taken a while and a lot of redirecting on Donna’s part, but after several years of being together, Jared had finally taken to calling Donna “mom” like it was second nature.  That type of closeness meant everything to Jensen.  It was something he hoped he and Jared could instill in their child.  Hearing Jared call his mother “mom” never ceased to send a rush of appreciation for having the man in his life.

“It feels like I haven’t seen you two in years.”  Donna pulled back with a wave to usher the two men into the house.

“It’s only been weeks, mom.  Weeks.”  Shaking his head, Jensen followed her towards the kitchen.

“It doesn’t matter.  It still felt like years.  I was starting to get worried something was up with you two…”

Alan stood up from his place at the table and cut his wife off.  “And I told her not to worry.  You two are big boys, you can take care of yourself.”

“Thanks dad.  At least one of you has confidence that we won’t shrivel up and die without you.”  Jensen rolled his eyes at his mother and pulled his father into a firm hug.  “How’re you doin’, dad?”

“Good.  Power washed the house the other day, could’ve used your help.”  He shrugged and laid on a hearty serving of guilt.

“Ugh, you’re as bad as mom, you do know that, right?  You two aren’t helpless.”

“I’m just saying.”  Alan raised both hands in innocence before dropping the playful banter and turning toward Jared with a look of pity.  “Hi, Jared.  How you doing, son?”

This reaction to Jared had become normal as of late.  Both of his parents didn’t know how to react to Jared’s fertility problems.  They knew words couldn’t make anything better but they felt ignoring the issue was too cold.  Instead they fell into this weird habit of looking at Jared like he might break.

Jensen had fallen prey to that habit too, but he learned just how resilient Jared was.  While Jensen had been able to shake treating Jared like he was broken, his parents still hadn’t figured it out.  It was concern that made them look at Jared like that and he understood that.  Jared appreciated their kindness but sometimes it was enough of a reminder of what he’d been through to set him back a step.

Jared waved off Alan’s concern.  “I’m fine.”  He let the man give him a hug in greeting.  “I’m great, actually.”

“That’s good to hear!”  He turned towards Donna with a smile.  “Donna, isn’t that good to hear?”

“It’s great sweetheart.”  She smiled brightly and squeezed Jared’s shoulder.

“Now, where’s my Daisy-girl?”  Alan whistled and called the dog’s name, crouching low when the husky came bounding in from the other room and practically tripped over her feet to collide with him.  “Hi, girl.”  The dog licked an enthusiastic stripe up the man’s face before wiggling her rump as he ruffled her fur.  Soon enough, she turned into a puddle of bones at the man’s feet, rolling on her back so Alan could rub her belly more thoroughly.  “What did I tell you two about bringing this vicious animal around?”  Alan laughed as Daisy licked his hand and yipped happily.

“Yeah, I know.  She might lick you to death.”  Jared reached down to remove Daisy’s leash and pull her back enough so that Alan could stand again.

“Anyway.”  Donna placed a bread basket on the table.  “I got done preparing dinner a little early, so I figured we might as well get started.  It’s hell trying to keep everything hot enough to serve, and honestly, your sister said she was going to be a little late.  She can join us for dessert later.”

“’Kenzi’s coming?”  Jensen raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, I didn’t tell you?”  Donna turned and shoved Jared towards a chair.  “Sit. Sit.”

Jensen shook his head.  “No, you must have forgotten.”  He didn’t care if his sister was coming or not, he just hadn’t been expecting it.  He had told Jared he really wanted to tell his family about the pregnancy first because he didn’t want to lose his nerve.  The original chain of spreading the news started with his parents, then Jared’s parents and then their siblings in whatever order they happened to get a hold of them.  The only thing that worried him was Mackenzie making a bigger fuss about the news than his mother.  He wasn’t sure how much squealing he would be able to handle in one day.

“Yeah, she’s coming over after work.  She said she hasn’t seen you in a while either.”  Donna nudged Jensen in the direction of a chair with her hip.  “Sit.”  Once her son sat, she plopped a plateful of chicken and vegetables in front of him.  “Eat.”

Surprisingly, Jensen did.  The food was good and focusing on it helped him take his mind off of the reason he and Jared had accepted his mother’s dinner invitation.  Their conversation was easy, their friendly banter making sure there was no time for feeling uncertain or awkward.  He almost forgot he was an hour away from telling them news that would rock their world.

Near the tail end of dinner, Daisy shattered their conversation by doing something she had never, _ever_ , done before.  She jumped up, putting her front paws on the table beside Alan’s plate, and stole a chunk of meat from the edge of his dish.

“Daisy!”  Standing up, Jared stormed over towards the dog so that she knew he meant business.  She panicked, dropped the meat and practically crawled on her belly and tried to hide her much too large frame behind Alan’s legs.  “I’m so sorry, Alan!  She’s never done that before.”

Alan was all laughter.  “It’s okay.  It’s probably my fault.  I guess I’m guilty too, since I’ve been sneaking her scraps under the table all through dinner.  Right, Daisy?”  He reached down and scratched behind her ears.  “It’s alright baby, don’t worry.  Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids and I’m happy to do so.”

Jensen went still, holding his fork in midair before swallowing.  “Oh, well, that’s good because you’re going to have another one to spoil soon.”  He had no idea what made him say it, but the words were out of his mouth before he could realize that this was nowhere near the way he had planned on telling his parents he was pregnant.  That was supposed to be more of a reveal and less of a cryptic dropped comment.  His heart picked up speed and he looked at Jared, eyes wide while he tried to prepare himself for the aftermath.  Somewhere in his stomach, a spike of excitement hit and he smiled nervously at his parents.

“You’re getting another dog?”  Alan sat up straight, his hand leaving Daisy’s head so that he could give Jensen a curious smile.

“Umm, no, not exactly.”  Scratching at the back of his neck, Jensen shrugged.  “I’m talking about a human grandchild.”

Donna blinked her eyes wider as the statement set in.  She looked at Jared, finding that Alan was doing the same thing.  As if they corrected their instinctual assumption at the same time, Alan and Donna locked eyes with each other, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.  “But…Jared…”  She paused, chewing her bottom lip.  A thought hit her and she bounced excitedly in her seat and smiled at her son.  “Oh!  You two are adopting!”

Jared shook his head and gently rested a hand on Donna’s forearm.  “No, not that either.”

“Then wha…”

 “I’m pregnant,” Jensen finished before his mother could.

His announcement was met with an instant spray of water as Alan proceeded to spit out a mouthful of his drink.  The surprise must have been so much that the gesture was coupled with a choking, sputtering sound as the entire table was misted.

“Dad!”

“Alan!”  Donna gasped at her husband’s actions, her brain not quite caught up to what Jensen had actually said.

Hastily blotting his lips with a napkin, Alan’s eyes were wide in disbelief.  “I’m sorry.  Could you repeat that?”

Voice level and collected, Jensen enunciated every syllable slowly.  “I’m pregnant.”

Putting a hand on her hip, Donna rolled her neck towards Alan.  “See, he…wait, what?  You’re…you’re pregnant?”

Swallowing, Jensen nodded.  The admission still felt odd on his lips and he was positive his mother was as thrown by it as he was.  He certainly never thought he would ever utter those words, let alone utter them under this roof.

Jared scrambled to get everyone on the same page.  “Yeah, we’re pregnant.  I mean, _he’s_ pregnant but _we’re_ having a baby.”  He smiled despite the fact that Jensen was nervously digging his fingers into the meat of his left thigh.  “Surprise.”

Pointing to his son, Alan’s voice was still filled with disbelief.  “ _You’re_ pregnant?”

“Yep.  Me.  Pregnant.”

“But you…”  Alan paused and scratched his head.  “I mean…you…with the and the… _Really_?”

“I know, I made a big fuss over never wanting to get pregnant, wouldn’t even let you mention the possibility.  But we want a baby, and we’re doing this, and it’s weird and uncomfortable but it’s happening and we’re happy.  So can we just skip the part where you stare at me in disbelief and jump to the part where you congratulate us?”

“Oh my god, Jensen…that’s…..this…”  Donna squealed and launched out of her seat, hitting Jensen with a hug like a heat seeking missile.  “This is amazing.”  She hugged her son and kissed him repeatedly on the cheek.  “A baby!  Oh Jensen!  My baby boy is going to have a baby!”  There were already tears in her eyes and her voice wavered in warning of them falling very soon.

“Mom, don’t. Stop.” It was difficult to do so with Donna’s death grip around his neck but Jensen shifted so that he faced his mother dead on.  “Don’t cry.”

Donna did the exact opposite.  “I can’t help it.  These are happy tears.  I mean, you two have been trying for so long and I don’t know another couple who deserves this more than you and I thought it would _never_ happen.  And now you boys are telling me that I’m going to be a grandmother and…”  Sniffling long and loud, Donna let the tears overwhelm her words as she pulled away to latch onto Jared.  “Ohh, Jared!  Sweetheart!  This is so great.  After all those…” Her words fell away but everyone in the room knew she was referring to the miscarriages.  “You are going to be such great dads!”  Despite her tears, her smile was a mile wide.

“Thanks, I hope so.”  Jared brought both hands around the woman’s back and let her cry.

Still shocked, Alan whistled.  “Wow.”  He stood up and clapped Jensen on the back.  “I should have started with this instead of spitting all over the table, but, congratulations!”

“Thanks dad.”  Jensen let out a lungful of air when his father pulled him into a hug.

“What’s going on?”  Mackenzie stood in the entryway of the kitchen, cocking her head to the side as she took in the scene.  Her mother was crying, Jared was smiling and Jensen looked ready to crawl out of his skin as his father lightened up on his embrace.  

Pulling out of her hug with Jared, Donna wiped both eyes before stating with an abundance of enthusiasm, “Jensen’s pregnant!”

“Shut. Up.”  Mackenzie narrowed her eyes at her family.

“No, really.  Jensen’s pregnant.  He just told us,” Donna beamed.

Mackenzie’s jaw hit the ground.  “Are you kidding me?”  Her eyes widened and she stared at her brother for confirmation.  When he nodded slowly, her eyes grew wider still.  “Shut! Up!”  She laughed to herself while shaking her head in disbelief.  “Oh my god, really?”

“Yes Mac, _really_.  Twelve weeks.  You’re going to be an aunt.”  Jensen knew his family would have a hard time believing his news, but he hadn’t expected them to be focused more on the fact that he wasn’t pulling a joke on them than the fact that they were talking about a real life addition to the family.

“Holy shit!”  Mackenzie fished her phone out of her pocket and started furiously swiping her fingers across it.  “I’ve got to tell Josh.  He’s not going to believe this.”  Pocketing her phone, she ran toward her brother with happy prancing movements.  Shoving her parents aside, she looped her arms around Jensen’s neck, squealing just as loud as he knew she would.  “Jenny!  You?  Holy shit.  That’s insane.  Awesome, but insane.”  She smiled and brought both hands to Jensen’s middle.  “Hi, little monkey.  I’m your aunt Mackenzie!”

“Mac, stop.  Come on…”  Jensen twisted in his sister’s hold but the woman didn’t let up.

Her cell phone went off and she grabbed it, connecting the call and putting it on speaker.  “Hey, Josh.  I’m sitting here with Jensen, you’re on speaker.”

Bracing himself for the repeat questioning, Jensen gave a hesitant greeting, “Hi Josh.”

“Are you freaking kidding me?  You’re pregnant?!”  Despite not being in the room, Josh’s shock came across Mackenzie’s cell phone loud and clear.

Jensen had a feeling he was in for a long line up of that reaction.  He supposed he deserved it, considering that he had made quite a reputation for himself as being absolutely opposed to getting pregnant. 

His mother was hugging him again while Mackenzie refused to vacate his lap.  Josh was yelling for someone to answer his questions and Jensen was looking at Jared in search for help.

 Help would have to wait because Alan was giving Jared a congratulatory hug while Donna got in on touching Jensen’s middle.

It was all quite touching and Jensen was glad he and Jared could make his family so happy but he was also quite sure he was going to throw up if people didn’t give him some air.

Actually, he was positive.

***************

Falling back onto his heels in the hall bathroom of the Padalecki’s house, Jensen was more than a little embarrassed about his reaction to telling Jared’s parents they were having a baby.

He’d technically had the same reaction when he’d told his parents, but at least he’d gotten through all of the congratulations before he landed his ass in front of the toilet heaving up his mother’s homemade dinner.

This time, he’d barely gotten the words out before Sherri hugged him and drowned him in the usually subtle smell of her perfume.

He heard Sherri knocking on the door, asking if he was okay or if she could do anything.  She assured him they would all laugh about this moment one day.

One day, maybe, but not today.  Despite really wanting to be happy, to let Jared’s family be happy, Jensen wanted to curl up and die.  His stomach rolled and he retched into the bowl again, gagging so much that he couldn’t give Sherri a clear answer.

Like the knight in shining armor he was turning out to be, Jared somehow ushered his mother away from the bathroom door, at least giving Jensen the decency to be sick in private.

It also left him to wonder how something so tiny, something he couldn’t even feel, could possibly be kicking his ass.

If he survived this week, telling his coworkers the news might do him in.

Let the fun begin.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, h/c, mpreg!Jensen, cursing, bottom!Jared  
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> AMAZING banner and betaing by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.

Jensen wanted to hide in the supply closet at work for the rest of the day.

The problem with that, however, was that he was hungry.  Really hungry.  Hungrier than he remembered feeling in his entire life.

So, as much as he wanted to avoid his co-workers, he realized he couldn’t pretend to be getting a new resistance band forever.

After telling his and Jared’s parents about the pregnancy, he decided to wait two weeks before telling his coworkers.  Technically, he didn’t _have_ to tell them yet, but his belly wasn’t getting any smaller and he’d rather deal with the fallout of announcing his condition than with rumors about what people thought was going on with him.

He told human resources first but in a totally unprofessional way, news spread like wild fire.  Everywhere he went, people looked at him like they _knew_.  Maybe they didn’t and Jensen was just being ridiculously paranoid.  But the people who slapped him on the back, asked him if he was kidding them, and then tentatively gave him a congratulations when Jensen gave them a death stare _definitely_ knew. 

It was starting to get annoying.                                         

Part of Jensen wanted to kick himself for even thinking that.  He felt foolish for complaining about his news spreading.  Technically, he was happy about the pregnancy, so why shouldn’t other people be as well?  This baby was something he and Jared had struggled for and he was proud of it.  He didn’t want to hide it.  That genuine love for his baby conflicted him because he hated how being pregnant made him feel.

He hadn’t exactly come to terms with the issue of feeling vulnerable, but he was dealing with it.  What he wasn’t used to was people looking at him with _that face_ and falling into an “awwww” response.  It was like the mention of pregnancy did strange things to people’s brains because his coworkers were all in complete shock at his announcement but when that wore off they all looked at him with soft smiles.

Jensen was pretty sure he was still Jensen, he didn’t need to be treated _softly_. 

And then the receptionist, Patti, came right out and pressed her pesky little hand to his belly that wasn’t really a belly.  She cooed and made this awkward sounding baby talk and Jensen wanted to kill her.

Truthfully, he kind of wanted to kill her months ago.  She had this high-pitched voice and complained about doing her job far too often to actually spend time doing her job.

When he put her hands on his middle, it was the icing on the cake.

Jensen blew up at her, serving merely to earn him more knowing looks.  Only, the people in his immediate area _knew_ nothing.  They didn’t know how uncomfortable Jensen was feeling at all.  Yet, there they all were, saying how unexpected it was to see Jensen “in the family way.”

Setting his jaw, Jensen tried to pull himself upright, but Patti’s hand was still on his middle and suddenly she was talking to it like it was perfectly normal to talk baby talk to a grown man’s stomach.

“It’s okay wittle baby.  Are you making your daddy all hormonal?  I bet you are.”  She smiled as her voice rose in pitch.  “Yes you are.  You are making him all temperamental.”

It was the straw that landed Jensen in the supply closet, staring at the rack of resistance bands.  He wasn’t going back out _there_ , at least not yet.  Patti was probably still waiting for him, apparently completely immune to his admonishments.  She kept blaming Jensen’s attitude on his pregnancy.  It had taken everything in Jensen power to prevent him from saying, “No, I just really don’t like you.” 

He didn’t need to give her more fuel for her erroneous assumptions.

His stomach grumbling made him realize he couldn’t eat a box of latex gloves for lunch…unfortunately.

He knew he had a sandwich in the refrigerator and for the first time in weeks the thought of eating it made his mouth water with hunger rather than nausea.

With a resistance band in hand, he pushed the door open and made his way towards the break room.  Finding the coast clear, he let out a heavy sigh of relief.  He needed lunch and figured it would put him in a better frame of mind to deal with his coworkers.

“Jensen?”

Cringing, Jensen turned around, coming face to face with another physical therapist in the practice.  “Hey, James, what’s up?”

James ran his eyes over Jensen’s torso before propping himself against the wall beside his coworker. “Man, are you really pregnant?”

“Yeah.”

James’ eyes went wide, his gaze decidedly fixed on the other man’s middle even though Jensen’s clothing was loose enough to hide evidence of a belly.  “No way.”

With a hearty eye roll, Jensen gave a frustrated sigh.  His words came with a bite, “Yeah, I know.  It’s ‘weird’ and you ‘can’t believe it’ or this is ‘completely unexpected’.  But it’s true so get used to it because –”

James put his hands up in surrender.  “Woah. Woah. Woah.  I wasn’t going to say that.  I was just going to say congratulations and that’s awesome.  It couldn’t have happened to a nicer couple.”

At the last compliment, Jensen felt five inches tall.  He looked at his feet in shame of jumping to conclusions.  “Look, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean that.  That’s really nice of you to say and I appreciate it.  It’s just that –”

James waved off Jensen’s apology.  “No, I get it.  No need to apologize.  You’ve probably got all these baby hormones coursing through your blood.  It’s okay.  We’re good.”

Biting his tongue, Jensen let the accusation slide.  James was a nice guy and a friend.  The normal version of Jensen, the one that wasn’t being hyper defensive as if on a mission to prove that being pregnant didn’t change anything, would have been asking James to go to lunch or grab a beer after work.  The juxtaposition of what he would usually do and what he was doing made Jensen realize that _maybe_ he was acting out of sorts.

It made him glad that at least his sandwich wouldn’t talk back to him.

************************

The sun was struggling to stay above the horizon by the time Jensen collapsed on the couch, Daisy following suit.

Work had been exhausting but as tired as he was, he refused to let that stop him from taking his run.

The upside of was that he felt accomplished.  He knew he would feel guilty if he let his exhaustion win out, allowing him give in to spending the rest of his day on the couch.

The downside is that he was more exhausted now.

Falling back onto the couch, he closed his eyes and let his head loll back.  Daisy, her head resting on Jensen’s lap, nudged his hand with her nose.  Her pathetic whimpering won out and Jensen took to scratching behind her ears.

He swore he was seconds away from falling asleep when Jared called his name.

Groaning, Jensen made a jumbled noise in answer to his husband’s searching.

“There you are.”  Jared huffed and took a seat beside Jensen and Daisy.  “You two tired?”

“Mmm hmm.”  Nodding, Jensen kept his eyes closed as he raised his hands over his head, causing his shirt to rise up with them.  “I feel like I want to sleep until tomorrow morning.”  Stretching his arms up, he made a satisfied sound before bringing them back down and pulling one around Jared’s shoulders, forcing his husband to rest against his body.

“Jen, you’re all sweaty,” Jared complained.

“You love it.”  Jensen purposely tugged Jared closer and turned his head to kiss him on the temple.

Responding with a laugh, Jared gave in to Jensen’s actions.  His eyes focused downwards, he noticed his husband’s exposed stomach.  “Jen, you’re going to need some bigger clothing.”

Leaning away and giving Jared a confused expression, Jensen knit his eyebrows together.  “No I don’t.”

“Yeah, you do.”  Jared played with the hem of Jensen’s shirt, pulling it down from where it got hitched on top of Jensen’s belly. 

Jensen’s stomach wasn’t that big but at sixteen weeks he was sporting a definite bump.  It pushed out from his middle and curved up from the strain of the running shorts’ elastic waistband.  For weeks, Jensen’s belly had been little more than a swell but suddenly it seemed to round out and become more defined.

As if to prove his point, Jared tugged Jensen’s shirt down more firmly and emphasized that it barely covered the new curve.  “See, Jen.  This shirt isn’t going to cut it much longer.”

“It probably just shrunk or something.”  Jensen shifted so that his back rounded out and he sank further into the couch cushions.  The movement was an attempt to minimize his stomach but it didn’t work.

“And your jeans also shrunk?  All of them?  I don’t see you wearing them lately.  You wear scrubs to work lately and Jensen?  You never wear scrubs.  At least, you never _wore_ scrubs.”  Smirking, Jared raised an eyebrow at his husband.

There was no point in denying the facts.  Much to his dismay, Jensen was fully aware of just how much trouble he had fitting into his regular clothing.  Bringing a hand to cover his eyes, he sighed.  “God, you have no idea how hard it is to button my jeans.  I feel ridiculous.  I mean, seriously?”

“I bet you regained the rest of the weight you lost.”

“And then some.”  Snorting, Jensen looked Jared straight in the eyes.  Jared was looking at him with that warm, proud look he gets after he’s just proven himself right.  He’s also looking at Jensen with a smile, the one that always makes Jensen feel safe enough to put everything on display for his husband.  “Jare, I’m not going to lie, I’m not really looking forward to this part.  I mean, I _am_ because I like knowing that the baby is growing.  I would probably be freaking out if I didn’t have a belly.  Still, it is kinda…I mean…it’s just _there_ now.  Like… _woah_ it’s there.”  Jensen shifted and pulled up his shirt.  This time he arched his back and exaggerated how big his middle looked.  “It’s huge.”

Quirking his lips to the right, Jared kept up his side-smile.  “It’s not huge.”

“Well it’s huge for me.  I’ve never had a belly.  Even as a kid.  I was leaner.  It’s weird to have one now, even though I know _why_ I have one.”

Hesitantly, Jared stroked a hand across Jensen’s stomach.  Jensen flinched involuntarily, dislike for having people touch his middle subconsciously transferring over to Jared.  He forced himself to stay still on Jared’s second go around, letting his husband explore his new belly all he wanted.

“It’s little Jensen.  But you do need new clothing.”

“Yeah, I do.”  Jensen shrugged.

Jared was surprised by how easy it was to coax that admittance out of his husband.  “Aww, don’t sound so defeated.”  He dropped a kiss to Jensen’s lips.  “Besides, I like it.”

Raising an eyebrow, Jensen scoffed.  “You like me being fat?”

“No.  I like that you’re having our baby.  I really like that.”

Turning to face Jared, Jensen grabbed his face with both hands and kissed him.  “Well, it’s a good thing for that.  And you better damn well like it when it’s even bigger.”  There was a genuine concern over that matter in the back of his head but Jared’s smile was so reassuring that it helped keep it buried there.  He was brought out of the moment by a warm wet sensation on his still exposed stomach.  Looking down, he watched Daisy lick the expanse of his stomach before nudging it with her nose and licking it again.

Ruffling the dog’s fur, Jared laughed.  “It looks like Daisy agrees that we need to get you some new clothing.”

“You think so Daisy-girl?”

Daisy looked up at Jensen with expressive eyes before licking a stripe along his belly again.

Jared went to put his hand over the spot Daisy just licked but the dog shoved his hand away and kept her head lowered to Jensen’s middle.  The movement was so quick that it prevented Jared from getting any closer to Jensen’s stomach.  She didn’t growl, which wasn’t a shock since she rarely did, but her eyes took on an intense quality.

“Woah, Jen.  I think she’s protecting you.”

“Huh.”  Scratching between Daisy’s ears, Jensen gave her a curious look.  Ever since he almost passed out on the sidewalk from dehydration weeks ago, Daisy had followed him around like a hawk.  “Are you worried about me?”

Daisy’s ears twitched but she refused to move her head.

“Do you think she knows you’re pregnant?” Jared asked.

Before Jensen could respond, Daisy did it for him.  She yipped once before lowering her head to Jensen’s belly again and bringing both paws to cross his lap. 

“Of course my girl knows.  She’s smart.  Right, Daisy?  Aren’t you smart?”  Jensen knew his dog was perceptive, it was one of the long list of reasons why he knew he had been matched with the perfect canine.  He gave the area at the base of her tail a good scratch in appreciation.  Daisy had been his girl since she was a pup.  When having a child had started living holes in their lives, Daisy was the one who came closest to filling them.  She knew her people well.

“Good girl, Daisy!”  Jared stroked her nose and scratched between her eyes, earning her version of a smile from the dog.  “I bet you she’ll protect the baby.”

“Well, there is not much to protect right now.  I’ve got that covered.”  Jensen’s words were distorted at the end by a yawn.  “That’s probably why I am so tired all the time.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t go to Doug and Scott’s for dinner.  If you’re that tired, we can stay in and do nothing.”

“No.  I’m fine.  Besides, I haven’t seen them in a while.  Despite how tired I am, it will be nice to get out and spend some time at their place.”

Thankfully, Jared knew well enough than to ask Jensen if he was sure.

Instead, he got to his feet and extended a hand so as to help Jensen to his.  He also pretended he didn’t hear Jensen curse while trying to find a change of clothing appropriate for a night of hanging out with friend that he still fit into.

It made Jensen love him all the more.

*******************

It was Scott who met them at the door once they arrived.  As he held the door open for his guests, he zeroed in on Jensen’s middle.

“Ohh, helllllllo belly.”

Letting out a huff, Jensen gave his friend an eye roll.  “Yeah, thanks for noticing.”

“It’s hard not to.”  Scott waved both hands in Jensen’s general direction.

“Hey!”  Jared backhanded Scott’s arm upon entering the house and gave him a warning look.  “It’s not _that_ big.”

“No.  It’s not _that_ big but it’s not hiding.”  Laughing, Scott watched Jensen glare at Jared.  “Hit a nerve, did I?”

“He,” Jensen pointed to Jared, “is a big liar who said I wasn’t huge.”

“Yeah, well _he_ is married to you and has to live with you.  I don’t.  I get to say it like it is.  Plus, did I say ‘huge’?”  There was a touch of sass in Scott’s voice and he shook his head at his friends while laughing softly.  “Come on, Doug and Emmy are in the living room.”

On the way, Jensen gave Jared a punch to the bicep just because he could.  Well, mostly because he was annoyed that Jared had somehow seemed to sugarcoat how big his belly was.

“Oww, what was that for?”  Jared rubbed his arm but was met with silence as they walked through the house.

Upon entering the living room, Doug sprang up from his seat and came to meet his friends.  “Hey, guys!”  He pulled Jared into a quick hug, breaking so that he could do the same to Jensen.  Before he could, however, he froze and took a step back.  “Shit, Jenny, look at you.”

“Yeah, look at me,” came Jensen’s unenthusiastic reply.

“No, I mean… _look_ at you.  It’s like…”  Doug cocked his head to the side and took in the t-shirt stretched over Jensen’s bump.  “Remember when I told you it was going to be weird seeing you pregnant?”

Jensen nodded.

“Well, I was right.  It’s weird.”  Doug side stepped to get a better look at Jensen.  “Shit, where did your abs go?”

Letting out a snort, Jensen crossed his arms over his chest.  He heard Scott laughing in the background and swore maybe Jared was too.  “Doug…you’re not helping.  I kinda need you to be normal right now, man.  Please?  Everyone else has made a big deal about this, but I need you to just be my best friend right now.”

Giving an apologetic smack to his forehead, Doug shook his head to refocus his thoughts.  “You’re right.  You’re right.  I’m sorry.  It’s just…”  He paused to find the right words but couldn’t.  “You know what?  Let’s start again.  Hey man, how are you?”  He pulled Jensen into a hug but broke apart when he felt Jensen’s middle brush up against his own flat stomach.  “Shit, Jensen.  I’m sorry.  It’s just…where did _that_ come from?  It wasn’t there a few weeks ago.”

Sighing, Jensen’s shoulders fell.  This was hopeless.  “Ok, fine.”  He flipped up the hem of his shirt.  “See,” he pointed to his middle, “belly.  It’s there and there is a baby inside.  So, we’re all on the same page with this, right?  We can stop gawking like I’m the first pregnant person you’ve ever seen?”

“Aww, come on.  Give me some slack. My best friend is having a baby – _literally_ having a baby – and it is a little hard to believe that the guy who _swore_ a million times this would never, ever, ever happen is actually letting it happen.”

Doug had a point; Jensen knew he did.  “I know.  And you’re right.  It is fucking weird.”

“Shh!  Langugage.”  Scott threw him a glance and made a head gesture to Emmy.

“Sorry.”  Jensen covered his mouth with one hand before going back to his conversation with Doug.  “Anyway, it’s weird.  But I need you to not be weirded out by it.”

“No.  I’m not.  It’s just…it’s different, that’s all.  We’re good.”  Doug parted the air to signify that he was moving on.

“Good, because people at work are on my case about it all the time.”  Jensen relaxed slightly until he looked up and saw Doug’s eyes studying him again.  “Doug, you’re staring, again.”

“Sorry!  I’m trying not to, I swear!”

Jensen was feeling very much like the elephant in the room.  What saved him was Emmy getting up from playing with her toy and taking slow ambling steps towards them.

“Wow!  Look who’s walking!”  Jensen smiled at the little girl.

“Yeah, she started last week.  She falls a lot but she is getting better.”  Scott’s voice was all pride as he watched his daughter make her way across the room.

“Hey, Emmy!”  Jared rushed the child and scooped her into his arms.  She let out a peel of laughter, her chubby hands grabbing for Jared as he tossed her in the air and coaxed more laughter out of her.

Watching his husband interact with Emmy sent a flood of warmth through Jensen’s veins.  Jared’s entire face lit up, actually, his whole body lit up.  He was absolutely vibrant.  It sparked a small notion of wonder as to how Jared would interact with their child.  A smile made its way to his face and he fell to thinking about how glad he was that they had both agreed on their current attempt at parenthood. 

Jared’s smile always made everything worth it.

Every single time he saw it, it served to reaffirm that Jensen’s pregnancy was the right direction their lives should swing in.

With a giggle, Emmy snatched all attention from Jensen, setting things as they usually were.

Eventually, they sat around the modest table and fell into casual, _normal_ , discussion while eating dinner.

Doug was treating Jensen like he always did and Scott was his usual self.  He teased Jensen, sometimes about being pregnant, but that was how their relationship always played out.  It felt the same, only Scott had some new material to work with.

Completely smitten with Emmy, Jared volunteered to feed her, even laughing when she smacked his hand away and landed him with a lap full of mashed carrots.

“I think Jared over there is hoping for a girl.  And I kinda am too because I don’t want you two stealing our daughter.”  Scott ruffled Emmy’s hair and watched her give him a food-filled smile.

Laughing, Jared shook his head.  “That’s not going to stop me from stealing Emmy.”  He paused in thought for a moment.  “But, seriously?  I don’t really care.  That sounds cliché but I don’t care.”

Jensen knew that what went unspoken was that Jared simply wanted a baby who made it to term.  Gender stopped being a concern when the viability of the fetus was off the table.  In an instant, Jared’s face warped from smiling at Emmy to looking like he was about to cry.

Scott caught on to that fact as well, promptly changing the subject.  “So, you two going to find out what you’re having in a few weeks?”

Since they had been taking this pregnancy one step at a time, they hadn’t actually gotten to the part where they discussed that question yet.  Even so, Jensen knew that he didn’t want to know.  He’d watched Jared get his heart broken too many times to get stuck thinking this pregnancy was a sure thing.  It was why he was so surprised by Jared’s answer.

Clearing his throat to force away hints of tears, Jared shrugged.  “Yeah, I guess.”

Jensen dropped his fork and cocked his head at his husband.  “Really?”

“Wait, you don’t want to know?”  Jared handed Emmy off to Scott and gave Jensen a confused look.

“No!”  Shaking his head, Jensen put an open palm in the air.  “It is freaking me out enough if I think too hard about hands and legs and a head growing inside me.  I don’t want to think about a penis or vagina growing in me as well.”

Letting out a burst of laughter, Doug almost spit out his drink.  “I’m sorry, that sounds funny.  But, if you put it that way, Jensen, I don’t blame you.  That is just weird.  Penis growing inside you…” his words trailed off into a chuckle.

“Well, a penis growing inside him is how this whole thing started,” Scott snipped.

In warning, the three men all yelled out together.  “SCOTT!”  Doug ended his reprimand on a laugh as he let one hand fall lovingly to his husband’s knee.

“What?”  Scott shrugged in his attempt to give his most innocent expression.  “It’s true.”

Staring at Scott, Jensen had to laugh.  Technically, it was true.  As uncomfortable it was for his friend to talk about Jared’s dick being inside him, it also broke the dark thoughts he was on the verge of having.  “True, but I don’t want to think about baby genitalia growing inside of me, okay?  Plus, I just want to wait.  It’s a baby.  That is all that I can focus on right now.  The rest doesn’t matter.”

Seemingly satisfied with the answer, their friends nodded in understanding

Jared nodded too, understanding as always.  “Then we wait.  It doesn’t matter.  You know that.”  Under the table, Jared’s hand fond Jensen’s and squeezed.

Pointing a finger at the moment between Jared and Jensen, Scott nudged Doug.  “I wish you could have the next baby.  It seems to be working for them.”

Caught off guard by the comment, Doug coughed.  “Well, I can’t.  You win the biology lottery on that one.  Sorry, babe.”  Creeping away from the direction that conversation was heading, Doug caught Jensen’s attention.  “Hey, Jen, a buddy of mine at work gave me two extra tickets to the ball game next weekend, you in?”

“Hell yeah, I’m in!”  Jensen nodded enthusiastically and turned his attention to discussing the game.  He couldn’t remember the last time he and Doug actually had time to go to a sporting event.  It had been before he was pregnant, that’s for sure.

And somehow, just like that, they had managed to go from talking about finding out their baby’s gender to baseball and who was going to play in the All Stars game.

It was the first time Jensen still felt like himself while feeling pregnant.

That was progress.

***********************

Jensen was sure by the look on his husband’s face when Jared walked into the bedroom that he wasn’t expecting what he came home to.  After going grocery shopping, Jared probably wasn’t expecting to find Jensen and Daisy curled into the middle of the bed.

This was mostly because they didn’t allow Daisy on the bed – ever.  It was the one rule they both agreed on and stuck to.  Their bed was their bed.  As much as they loved their fur-baby, they made sure she spent the night snuggled up on her overly elaborate dog bed.

“Jen?  Baby?  Are you okay?”  Taking a tentative step into the room, Jared tried to make sense of the situation before him.

Jensen wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand but it was no use.  He was crying too much for the action to have any long lasting effect.  “Jay…”  It was all he could get out before shoving another spoon of rocky road ice cream in his mouth.

He didn’t even like rocky road ice cream.  Jared did.  But it was all that was in the house and suddenly it looked so good that he couldn’t remember why he didn’t like it.  The ice cream container was mostly mush by now, but it didn’t matter.

“Jensen, why are you crying?  Did something happen?”  Jared took a seat on the bed and rested a hand on Jensen’s leg.

“Everything happened.”  Jensen took another mouthful of ice cream and paused his crying long enough to taste and swallow it.

It tasted really good.  Even in his tears, he could appreciate that.  He stuck the spoon in the container again but this time offered it to the husky tangled up in the blanket and his arms.  He knew chocolate was probably not the best idea for his dog, but a little wouldn’t hurt her.  Besides, she was being so good and she was his baby; she deserved it.  Daisy licked at the spoon, polishing off the ice cream before reaching her head upwards to lick away one of Jensen’s salty cheeks.

Without hesitation, he used the spoon Daisy had just licked clean to shove another mouthful of ice cream into his own mouth.

Jared cringed but didn’t say anything.  When Jensen was done with his newest spoonful, he put a gentle hand on his husband’s so as to halt him from eating more.  “Jensen, give me this so that we can talk.”  Almost instantly, Jensen released the ice cream container and let Jared set it on the nightstand.  “Tell me what happened.”

Jensen pulled Daisy into his arms and buried his face in her fur, drying his tears at the same time.  The dog didn’t put up any resistance.  She willingly let Jensen cling to her.

“I’m pathetic.”  The words were muffled as Jensen spoke them into Daisy’s coat.

“Why are you pathetic?”

“I was…”  Jensen choked on a breath as he sobbed.  It took him several attempts to recover enough to get words out.  “I was watching TV with Daisy after our run and…well…that stupid ASPCA commercial came on.  You know the one I usually make fun of because they use that sad Sarah Maclachlan song so you feel bad enough to donate money?  Well, that came on and then I kept thinking what would happen if Daisy didn’t have us.  What would happen to her?  Huh?”

Relief that Jensen’s tears were not over something more serious flooded Jared’s body language.  “But Daisy is fine.”

Gripping the dog more tightly, Jensen shook his head.  “For now.  But…”  Part of Jensen’s brain knew this type of reaction to a commercial would embarrass him under normal circumstances.  In fact, he would be doing everything in his power to prevent this type of reaction from happening.  For some reason, the tears were like a tidal wave he couldn’t outrun.  The commercial, the pictures of injured animals, and that damn song did him in and he couldn’t stop his chest from hitching on each breath.

“Jensen you’re just…”

“If you say ‘hormonal’ I will kick your ass clear down the street.”  Jensen pulled away from Daisy enough so that he could glare at Jared.

“Okay…well…then…Daisy is never going to be like those dogs.  She is always going to be with us.”  Jared crawled onto the bed, trying to worm his way into the pile of dog and Jensen limbs.

“Okay…okay…so, say she always stays here.  What if she is miserable?”  Jensen swallowed and rested his chin on Daisy’s head.  “I mean, she is our baby.  She is used to being the only one.  What if she feels like we are replacing her with this baby?  She’s been my baby for years.  _Years_.  She took care of you when you could barely get off the couch after every miscarriage.  She was _your_ baby too.  And…and…and…”  Jensen gave up speech so he could let out a loud cry.

That thought had been building in Jensen’s brain since he noticed how much clingier Daisy had become.  His emotions already going haywire from the commercial and _those damn hormones_ , Jensen had grabbed ice cream and his dog and retreated to the bedroom.  At first Daisy was too hesitant to follow Jensen onto the middle of the king sized bed but after several desperate sounding commands from Jensen, she jumped up and hadn’t let his side since.

“Ohh, Jensen.”  Jared pried one of his husband’s hands free from his hold around Daisy.  “Jen, we’re having a baby, not getting rid of Daisy.  She’s still our fur-baby.”  He kissed the middle of Jensen’s palm softly before pressing It against his cheek.  “I love her.  Just as much as you.  Besides, she already loves the baby.  Remember?  Remember how she is going to protect him or her?  Daisy won’t feel forgotten.”

Daisy barks at the frequent mention of her name and licks Jared’s face.  She gives another happy bark and nuzzles into the space between both men.

“See, Jensen?  She’s happy.  So…so, how about you stop crying and lets go take her to the dog park or something, okay?”  With a soft smile, Jared used both thumbs to wipe away tears.  He was in new terrain, usually being on the receiving end of such comfort but he stepped up to the plate.  “No more tears.”

Taking a deep breath, Jensen nodded.  He knew Jared was right.  They were both animal lovers; nothing was going to change that.  They were never going to ignore Daisy.  Most of Jensen knew that before the tears even started.  “Oh fuck, Jared, what the hell is wrong with me?  Could I be more pathetic?  Seriously?  I was just sitting in bed crying to our dog while eating ice cream.  You can’t make that kind of ridiculousness up.”

“It’s okay.”

“No.  It’s not.  I don’t do this shit.  But here I am.  Crying into Daisy’s fur.  Who am I?”  His chest felt tight, almost uncomfortable as embarrassment ran through Jensen’s body.

“You’re my husband.  Who I love very much.  Who impresses me every day with how selfless you are.  You’re entitled to have a moment…even if it did involve breaking our rule about dogs in our bed.  She’s probably never going to leave your side now.”

“Yeah, well…”  Jensen’s words came to an abrupt stop when he felt a gentle sensation in his middle.  It felt similar to what Ali had described…mostly.  It felt different than gas, though he could understand why some people would associate the two.  It was more like bubbles popping.  Going absolutely still, Jensen’s mind reeled with what that meant.

“Jensen?  You okay?” Voice heavy with concern, Jared squeezed Jensen’s shoulder to bring him out of his daze.

“The baby moved.”

“Just now?”

“Yeah, it…shit, there is goes again.”  Jensen’s fingers tiptoed over his middle and pressed into the curve above when he felt the movement.

At a loss of what to do, Jared fidgeted and bit his lip.  He looked happy and sad at the same time, a conflict of emotions Jensen had come to understand.  As happy as Jared was to watch Jensen hit every milestone, he couldn’t escape that fact that they also served as reminders for what he would never be able to do himself.  “What does it feel like?”

“It almost feels like nothing.  It’s like bubbles.  It’s…fuck…there is something _moving_ inside me.  It’s so  weird.”  Jensen’s eyes went wide with the realization.  “Jare, I wish you could feel this.  I wish you could…I do.”

Shaking his head and pushing his own issues down, Jared smiled wide.  “It’s okay.  It is.  _Really_.  I’ll feel it eventually, right?  And I’m happy the baby is moving.  _Extremely_ happy.”  Smile firmly in place, he pressed a kiss to Jensen’s lips.  Dropping both hands to his husband’s stomach, he made soft circular stroking movement over the swell.  “Is it moving now?”

Nodding, Jensen covered Jared’s hands with his own.  “Yeah.  Do you think…do you think I upset it by crying?”  Even coming out of his mouth, Jensen thought the words sounded crazy.

“I don’t know…” While trying to come up with an answer, Jared chewed his lip.  “Maybe the baby is happy, right?  Maybe it’s happy because now you aren’t crying anymore?”

Whether it was true or not, Jensen decided he was going to believe that suggestion.  It helped make it easier for him to pull it together so that he could go back to being in control of his life.

And later, after he and Jared had spent the day at the dog park with Daisy, he was able to return to being in control between the sheets.  He, however, didn’t have much control over pretending the baby wasn’t moving while he fucked Jared senseless.  That, to say the least, was unnerving, but when Jared moaned so prettily underneath him, he found much more pleasurable things to fixate on.


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: past mpreg!Jared, past miscarriage, angst, H/C, versatile!J2, abuse of human biology, mpreg!Jensen, bottom!Jared, cursing, PORN, food porn  
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> AMAZING banner by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.  
> Betaing by [yohkobennington](http://yohkobennington.livejournal.com/)!

The weather couldn’t have been better for a baseball game.  Jensen sighed and relaxed into his seat, leaning back to let the sun wash over him.  It wasn’t hot enough to make him uncomfortable, but it was bright enough for him to slip his sunglasses on.

Stretching, Doug stood up from his seat beside his friend.  “Hey, I’m going to get another beer.  You want one?”

Letting his sunglasses fall down the bridge of his nose so that he could look over the top of them at Doug, Jensen gave him an ‘are you serious?’ look.

“Shit, right, you can’t have beer.”  Running a hand though his hair, Doug laughed at his absentmindedness.  “No beer for you then.  Sorry, I am just so used to enjoying a game with you while enjoying a couple of beers.  I completely forgot you’re pregnant.  Don’t worry, I’ll get used to it.”

“Don’t get too used to it; it’s just a temporary deviation from my norm,” Jensen stated.  “Besides, you seem to be doing a lot better about the pregnant thing.  I mean…you’re not staring at me like you don’t know what else to do.”

“Yeah, well, your jersey does a good job of hiding your stomach.  I guess that’s why I forgot you couldn’t have a beer.”

Looking down, Jensen had to agree.  The jersey had always been loose on him and the stiff fabric made it difficult to accurately discern what was shirt and what was torso.  “I guess so.  But don’t apologize, it is nice to be out with you and simply be ‘Jensen’ instead of ‘oh shit, Jensen’s pregnant’.  So that’s a plus.”  He laughed, brushing off Doug’s forgetfulness.  Mid-laugh, he froze when the baby moved, but this time it was different than the sensations he’d been feeling.  It felt more like one long drawn out movement dragging across his insides.  “Woah.”

Cocking his head in confusion at Jensen’s sudden change in behavior, Doug fell back into his seat.  “What?  You okay?”

Shifting, Jensen explored the new feeling.  If he thought the bubble sensation was weird, it was nothing compared to this.  This was bizarre.  It made his heart speed up with the alien nature of it but his heart rate stayed elevated when his brain reminded him that it wasn’t actually an alien.  It was the baby getting stronger.  “Shit, yeah.  I’m good.  The kid just moved.  Like, _really_ moved.”

“Man, that’s a sentence I never thought I would hear come out of your mouth at a ball game.”  Shaking his head in disbelief, Doug gave Jensen a friendly slap to the back.  “But that’s cool for you.  I remember how excited Scott was when he felt Emmy move for the first time.  Has it moved before?”

“Yeah, started last week and hasn’t stopped since.”  Though he was still fixated on the movements in his belly, Jensen let out a snort.  “It’s really great and I’m glad but, dude, it is fucking weird.  I mean, it is kind of like the baby is saying, ‘hey, I’m here and you’re really doing this.’  And, shit, Doug, _I’m really doing this_.”

Letting out a quick burst of laughter, Doug shook his head at his friend. “You’re just now realizing this?”

“Well, no…I _knew_ it.  It just felt a little surreal, you know?  And now…now it’s a physical reality.”  Scratching at the back of his head, Jensen sighed.  “I know that sounds kind of silly but it’s just as awkward for me as it is for you.”

“I know.  I get it.  I can’t even imagine how odd it feels to have another being becoming a person inside of you.  I couldn’t understand it on the level Scott did, but it was a new and great experience for both of us.  But, Jen?  As an outsider?  It’s pretty awesome that you’re doing this.  I’m happy for you and Jared.”

Jensen knew Doug was right.  It _was_ awesome and he _was_ lucky.  His brain had known that from the beginning but his insecurities were having trouble getting with the program.  “Thanks.  I just worry that it is difficult for Jared right now.  He probably feels a lot like you did before you could feel Emmy move.  He’s happy but I think he feels left out at the same time.  I know he wants this moment so bad but he is forced to stand by and watch _me_ have it.”

“Did he say anything?”

“No.  He wouldn’t.  You know that.  But I catch him looking conflicted.  He probably doesn’t think I’ve realized, but he looks jittery, like he is trying to find where he fits into this experience.”  Jensen bit the corner of his lip.  “Am I looking into this too much?”

Sighing, Doug took a moment to think.  “Nah.  I don’t think so.  But you and Jared usually operate on the same wavelength.  You’ll figure it out.  I felt like an outsider for a while but then I got to feel Emmy move for myself and it negated those feelings.  When he feels that, Jared is going to be over the moon.  I’m serious.  It just made a lot of think click for me.”  Doug scratched at his chin.  “Shit, Jensen, first we talk about babies at our sports bar and now you’ve got me being a sentimental about Emmy in the middle of the game.  What’s next?”  Though his tone was serious, his eyes gave away that it was all friendly bantering.

Voice calm, Jensen shrugged at the other man.  “Giving birth on Super Bowl Sunday.”

Doug laughed, looking towards Jensen in expectation of him joining in.  When he didn’t, he balked and let his jaw drop.  “You’re shitting me.”

“No.  Not kidding.”

“Wow…just…wow.  You sure know how to pack a punch.”

“Ohh, trust me, it surprised me just as much when I put two and two together.”  Shrugging, Jensen put up his hands in defeat.  When Ali had told him he was due on February 3rd, he hadn’t thought much of it.  Then curiosity got the best of him and he did some research.  Jared thought it was hilarious that their baby was scheduled to make an appearance on one of Jensen’s favorite days.  Jensen didn’t share the same sentiment.  This pregnancy was messing with everything Jensen had come to rely on, he felt it could do him the favor of steering clear of the Super Bowl.

“Okay…now I really do need another beer.”  Doug got to his feet again, still looking at Jensen like his best friend had pulled the plug on the upcoming season’s football plans.  “Remind me not to come to your Super Bowl party this year.”

“Oh, _you’re_ coming.”  Jensen pulled his sunglasses off and pointed a finger at Doug.

“Nope.  You can have your own little party, in a hospital, with Jared.”

Aware that they were absolutely not talking about an actual Super Bowl party, Jensen realized that it was the first time he was talking about giving birth.  Doug was smiling, laughter probably tinged with discomfort, but his friend was making this easy on him.  “No way, you are not leaving me with all those people who are going to drown me in baby talk.  You’re coming.”

“Jen, I love you like a brother and that is exactly why I will come after the party.  During?  That’s your show.  Now I am getting a beer before this breaks out into hugs and declarations of our friendship.  Do you want anything?”

Jensen punched Doug in the arm.  “I’m not going to hug you, ass.”  He glared for a second before sliding his sunglasses back into place.  “But I am hungry.  Can you get me a hotdog?”

“Yeah, sure.  Ketchup, right?”  Doug shimmied his way out of the row of seats so he could walk up to the concession stand.

Thinking for a moment, Jensen called out, “and mustard.”

“Really?”  Doug pulled a face before shaking his head.  “Okay, both.  Sure.”

“And sauerkraut.”

“Yeah, got it.”

“And relish too.  And maybe cheese.  Do they have nacho cheese?”  Jensen’s stomach rumbled at the thought.  Maybe he was hungrier than he originally believed.

Wrinkling his nose in disgust, Doug scoffed at the concoction.  “Eww, no, Jensen.  I’m not getting you some frankendog.  That sounds gross.”

“Seriously, Doug?  It’s a hotdog.  I saved your life once, the least you can do is get me a hotdog.”

“You didn’t save my life,” Doug replied with confidence.

“I did so.  That one night sophomore year, I made sure I turned your head so that you didn’t choke on your own vomit.  And that wasn’t the only time.”  One eyebrow raised, Jensen smirked triumphantly.

“I did the same thing to you! That doesn’t constitute saving one’s life!”

A man in the row behind them shot both men a stern look.  “Shhh!”

Grinning sheepishly, Jensen gave an apologetic wave.  “Sorry”

With a huff, Doug surrendered to his friend’s request.  It would have gone that way regardless but they’d always had a habit of keeping up friendly mock arguing.  “Fine!  I’ll get you your damn hotdog.  But just for the record, you being pregnant just jumped a notch up on the weirdness scale.”

Jensen stood up and gave Doug the finger.  The movement caused the shirt to pull tighter across his middle and immediately Doug’s eyes trailed down towards the strain in the fabric.

“And there is your belly again…so make that two notches.  Seriously, I don’t think that is going to stop looking out of place on you.”  Doug let out a genuine laugh before rolling his eyes.

“Stop while you’re ahead Doug or I’ll make you get me two.”

“Doesn’t mean I’d do it.”  Shaking his head, he jogged up towards the concession stand.

Jensen watched him go for a moment, knowing full well that Doug would get him a second hotdog if he wanted one.  All things considering, his friend was being a good sport.

Life was pretty good.

Settling into the seat, Jensen went back to watching the game.  And as thankful as he was for Doug getting him food, that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to rub his face in the fact that while he was getting food, Jensen was busy watching the best play of the game.

Yeah, life was good.

*********************

Shoving another gummy worm in his mouth, Jensen scowled.

“Jen, maybe I should drive.”  Jared put a hand on Jensen’s right knee.

“No.  I’m good.  I can drive.  I _want_ to drive.”  Snorting, Jensen continued chewing the candy.  He wasn’t even sure why he was angry, he just knew that he was.  Jared’s laugh made him take his eyes off the road just long enough to shoot his husband a look of confusion.  “What?”

“Nothing.  You’re cute.”  Jared shook his head, an amused smile on his face.

“How, exactly am I ‘cute’?”  Raising and eyebrow, Jensen took a vicious bite out of another gummy worm from the package on his lap.

“Your cravings.  They’re funny.  I don’t know how someone could look so annoyed while eating gummy worms.  But you’ve done it.”

“I don’t have cravings,” Jensen defended.

Stating the obvious, Jared snorted.  “You’re eating gummy worms.”

“So?  I eat gummy worms.”

“No.  You don’t.  _I_ eat gummy worms.  _You_ hate them.”

“I do not.”

“You do.”  Patting Jensen’s knee, Jared laughed.  “You do, Jen.  It’s cute.”

“Oh god, I do hate gummy worms.  I mean, I thought I did.”  Picking up another candy, Jensen glared at it as if he were interrogating it.  “They have no right to taste _really fucking good_.”

“They are good, aren’t they?”  Jared snagged one from Jensen’s stash and a happily munched on it.

“They are.”  Giving into the truths surrounding him, Jensen let go of his denial and allowed himself laugh.  “They’re really good.”  Licking his top lip, he nibbled at another worm.  He wasn’t sure if it was the sugar or Jared’s laughter, but his anger gave way to what he realized was the actual cause of his bad mood.  “Jay…I’m nervous.  I think I’m binge eating gummy worms because I’m nervous about our 20 week appointment.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You know?”  Jensen narrowed his eyes at his husband as he turned into the medical group’s parking lot.

“Mmm hmm.”  Jared waited until Jensen put his car in park before shifted to face him more directly.  “I know you Jen.  And it’s okay.  I’m nervous too, but everything is good, right?  You feel good and the baby’s been moving, so it’s going to be fine.”

“Right.  Right, everything is going to be fine.”  Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.  “I feel good.  I’m eating gummy worms and…and…and…”

“And hotdogs with ketchup, mustard, sauerkraut, relish, and nacho cheese?”

Looking guilty, Jensen cringed.  “How did you find out about that?”

“Scott told me.  Well, actually, Doug texted Scott a picture of the hotdog he bought you and Scott sent it to me.”  Jared paused when Jensen covered his face with both hands.  “To be fair, Jen, it was the first time Doug’s ever seen you eat something like that.  It was shocking enough for him to document it.”

“My life doesn’t need to be documented.”

“Come on, Jen.  It was funny.  I mean…the only thing missing from that cliché of a pregnancy was ice cream.”  Jared gave a soft smile and curled his hand around Jensen’s.

“It wasn’t…”  Before Jensen could finish his retort, Jensen closed his eyes again and winced.  The baby shifted and while it wasn’t painful, it was startling.  It was so sudden and intense that it knocked the wind out of him.

“Baby moved?”

Jensen nodded while licking both lips.

Jared’s eyes clouded.  “You always look like that when it moves lately.  Does it hurt?”

“No, it’s just…different.  Shocking.  That was the most movement I’ve ever felt yet.”

“What does it feel like?”

“Umm…”  Jensen put one hand over his stomach in thought.  “It feels like it is rolling, like…like…you know, like a spoon scraping along the inside of a bowl.  It kinda feels like that’s happening inside me.  Weird, right?”

Thinking for a minute, Jared sighed.  “No.  Not really.  That sound…”  Shrugging, he unclipped his seatbelt and turned to face the windshield.  “It sounds amazing, actually.  I wish I could feel.”

“Jared, I know babe.  I know.”  Jensen undid his own seatbelt and turned to face Jared.  “Soon, though.  The movements are getting stronger every day.  If they are just a little stronger than the last one, I bet you can feel.  You can spend all day with your hands plastered to my belly, I swear I won’t complain.  I want you to feel too because you’re right; it is amazing.  And I’m sorry you can’t feel it.”

“Yeah…me too.”  Running a hand though his hair, Jared took a deep breath.  Deciding to change the subject rather than get stuck in a repeat performance of falling apart from old memories, Jared put his hand on the door handle.  “Anyway, ready to go inside?”

Not pushing the issues, Jensen nodded.  “Yeah.”

Getting out of the car, Jensen quickly fell into line with Jared, reaching out a hand to grab his.  Jared squeezed back just firmly enough to reassure him that they were okay and didn’t let go until a nurse had ushered them into an exam room.

Jensen found that waiting for his obstetrician was way better than waiting for his androcologist.  He was quickly shown to a room and Dr. Carlson didn’t keep them waiting long.  It was a good thing too because Jensen had lied in the car.  He wasn’t ready for the appointment.  He felt so nervous that he needed to pee or throw up, or both at the same time, which disgusted him enough to think he might actually throw up.

Jared was right, things had been going well, but things had a weird way of flipping in the opposite direction.

Ali’s bedside manner sidelined his worry enough that she actually got a laugh out of him.  When she measured his middle and commented on how many inches it had grown, the laugh was taken off the table and replaced with a glare.

He couldn’t keep the glare up when she matter of factly told him to get over it because she was damn proud that her patient was listening to her advice and following a normal healthy pregnancy. 

Medical jargon and boring exam elements out of the way, Dr. Carlson had Jensen stretched out across the exam table with his belly exposed.

“Okay, fun part!”  She pointed the ultrasound wand at Jensen like a weapon.  “No complaining from you!  This is one of those good parts, the parts I told you about that don’t suck.”

“Not complaining.”  He held his hands up in surrender as Ali squirted ultrasound gel on his stomach.  “Although, I feel like there are two kids in there with the amount of movement I feel and how big I’ve gotten.”

Narrowing one eye at him, Ali switched on the machine and rolled the transducer through the gel to spread it out more evenly.  “That sounds like a complaint.”

“Nope.  I’m just warning you.  So if you find two babies, don’t freak out.”  It was a weak attempt at a joke, but Jensen realized it wasn’t very funny.  If their suddenly were two babies inside him, he’d probably pass out.  Actually, he’d probably throw up and then pass out.

“Well then it’s a good thing there is only one baby in there.”  Ali rolled the wand across the curve of Jensen’s middle, picking up the profile of one fetus.  “You’re not that big, Jensen.  But you’re right, this little one likes to move.”

Jared smiled at the screen revealing the grainy image of their baby.  “It likes to dance for you, Ali.  Every time you get that wand out, it moves like crazy.”  Jared drifted closer to the screen but Jensen grabbed his hand and kept him close.  He gave his husband a surprised look before smiling at him and stroking his thumb over Jensen’s knuckles.

“Yeah, well, this time I feel it.”  Jensen wet his lips and blinked at the screen.  It was weird to feel the sensations in his middle and be able to correlate them with the visual of how the baby was moving inside of him.  “Wow…”

A wide smile stretched across Ali’s face as she took some screen captures of the baby.  “That’s the spine.  See?”  She pointed to a curve of vertebrae.  “Does it look more like a person than an alien now, Jensen?”

Jensen couldn’t find his voice.  The answer was yes but he couldn’t get the word out.  It was a lot to take in and the emotions hit him harder than he anticipated.  He watched the baby move and a swell of love for it exploded in his chest, making him close his eyes to ward of the tears that had been set in motion.  He squeezed Jared’s hand harder, hoping the focus on his husband’s hand would help him pull himself together.  He felt weak.  Though he knew Jared didn’t feel that way about him, he felt completely ashamed for being driven to tears by a 20 week old fetus.

Ali nudged his middle.  As if sensing her patent’s internal conflict, she gave him an understanding smile.  “You can cry Jensen.  It’s normal.  I cried like a baby at my 20 week appointment.  I cried even more when I found out I was having a girl.  You get a free pass to cry.  No one will hold it against you.”

Still, Jensen held it together.  He had to look away from the screen because now it was showing him a perfectly captured image of one perfect hand and one long lean leg. 

“Jen, look.”  Jared ran a hand through Jensen’s hair.  “Look at our baby.  Look how big you helped it grow.”  Looking down at Jensen with appreciation and pride, tears spilled over his eyes and dampened his lashes. 

One of Jared’s tears splashed onto Jensen’s face; that did him in.  He cried, albeit silently, he cried nonetheless.  Wiping at his eyes, he looked at Ali.  “So…does the kid look okay?”

“I’m not done checking everything out – your baby is wiggly – but so far so good.  Do you guys want to know the gender or are you going to call it ‘the kid’ for the rest of its life?”  Laughing, Ali moved the transducer.  “The baby is moving a lot but it is definitely not being shy.”

“No, we don’t want to know.”  Jensen blinked away tears and shook his head.

“Okay then, enough of this view then.”  Ali moved the transducer and focused on the side profile of the baby’s head.  “What do you think it is?”

“Huh?”  Eyes never leaving the screen, Jensen watched the baby move.  Ali was right; it looked so much more human.  Its head was still a little large but everything else screamed “baby”.

“I’m just curious.  Sometimes I find that the parent’s have a good inkling about what gender their child is.  When a couple doesn’t want to find out, I like to find out if they are weighing heavily towards girl or boy.  I know what it is and I swear I won’t tell you, but I’ll write down what you say and we’ll see who’s right.”  Ali put the wand down for a moment, turning to face both men.

“Ohh…I…I dunno.”  Lamenting the loss of the visual of his child, Jensen shrugged.

“Really?  Nothing?  No feeling either way?”  Ali’s questioning wasn’t invasive, as evident by her friendly tone.

“No…I…I just feel like it is a baby.  Like it is mine and Jared’s baby.  That’s it.  Sometimes I think…maybe…girl.  But I don’t feel strongly either way.  I just feel like it’s part of me and part of Jared.”  Jensen gave his husband a quick glance before smiling.  He was aware of how Hallmark card that sounded but it was the truth.  From the beginning, even when he was throwing up and hating life, he found comfort in the overwhelming feeling of having a part of Jared growing inside him.  Being pregnant freaked him out, but knowing it was his and Jared’s baby made it doable.  He didn’t think of the baby in terms of a gender.  He thought of it in terms of being alive and healthy.  He didn’t have enough in him to focus on anything else.

“Hmm.”  Pausing to reflect on her patient’s answer for a moment, Ali made a satisfied huff.  “That’s a new answer.  It’s actually really sweet.”  She turned to Jared and smiled.  “You were right, you are lucky to have him.  That’s down right romantic.”

Squirming under the dissection of his sentiment, Jensen wished Ali would go back to the ultrasound instead of exposing him for being hopelessly in love with Jared.

“Back off.”  Jared gave a glance of mock warning to the doctor.  “You can’t have him.  He’s mine.”

“So he’s told me.”  Ali let out a loud laugh.  “What about you Jared, any feelings one way or the other?”

“Boy.  I don’t care one way or the other but I think it’s a boy.  Jensen’s been so sick and still throws up a lot.  My mom told me a superstition that you get the sickest when your baby is the same gender as you.  So, yeah, my mind got stuck on boy.”

Ali scribbled the note in Jensen’s file before picking up the ultrasound wand again.  “Okay, well, I am not going to tell you.  If I use the pronoun ‘he’ or ‘she’ it is just a habit.  If I even use them, I’ll interchange them.”  She was about to go back to her exam when there was a knock at the door.

“Yes?”

An ultrasound tech who Jensen had seen around the office before crept into the room on an apology. 

“I’m sorry Dr. Carlon but we just got a call that Mrs. Rice has gone into labor.  Apparently she’s already dilated nine centimeters…so, um…”

As if sparking to life, Ali jumped.  “Oh!”  Looking to Jensen as if it answered any unspoken questions, she cocked her head.  “Oh!”

“So, if you’re needed at the hospital, I can finish up the exam,” the ultrasound technician interjected as she surveyed exactly what part of Jensen’s appointment she had interrupted.

Shaking her head to refocus, Ali put the transducer back on the table.  “Yeah, I…shit.  I’m sorry Jensen.  I have to go.  We’re pretty much done here.  I just needed to check out the heart and Lauren here is perfectly capable of making sure we get some good shots of that.  I can give you a call tomorrow if I see anything on the scans that I am worried about.  It should be fine.  I’m sorry.  With this job, these things happen.”

Brain still foggy from talking about his baby, Jensen took a moment to get up to speed.  “Yeah…it’s fine.  I understand.”  Waving Ali off, he smiled.  “The kid’s good, right?”

“Perfect so far.  Lauren will check out the rest, okay?  I’ll see you two soon.”  She rushed out with a quick wave, almost stumbling over herself as she brushed out the door past Lauren.

Once Ali left the room, Jensen composed himself and kept himself there.  Emotion and tears were fine in front of Jared and Ali, but Lauren wasn’t on that guest list.  He was back to acting like the manly man he usually was, despite the fact that he couldn’t help a soft noise from escaping his throat when Lauren let them hear the baby’s heartbeat.

No offense to Lauren, but she was no Ali.  She did, however, finish the exam quickly enough that Jensen didn’t have time to be uncomfortable.

Besides, he had a half eaten bag of gummy worms waiting for him in the car.  That was enough to help him push through the discomfort of having a stranger prod his middle.

********************

Jensen had created a monster.

When he’d woken up, Jared was nowhere to be seen. 

It was Saturday, and Jensen knew Jared was taking an early client so that he could accompany Jensen to a BBQ at the Ackles’ house.  He also knew Jared had volunteered to make the chocolate pudding pie that Sherrie had taught him to make – the one that Jensen loved so much.

So, even though he missed him, Jensen was glad Jared was out of bed.

It was also a good thing Jared was nowhere to be seen, because the monster Jensen created was staring him in the face.

Daisy was stretched out on Jared’s side of the bed, clearly deciding that the ‘no dogs in the bed’ rule was officially off the table when Jared wasn’t around.  She licked Jensen’s face, getting a groan out of him as he wiped away the residue of her kiss.

He should have yelled at the dog, making sure to enforce the origianl rules she had been living under.  He couldn't find it in him, however, when she let out a whimper and furrowed her expressive eyes at him.  Intead of pushing her out of bed, he pulled her closer.

Unfortunately, Daisy was hot.

She was making Jensen hot.  He was effectively sandwiched between a body pillow and his dog.

Rolling over to escape the heat didn’t help much.  It only made Daisy nuzzle closer to him as he hiked one leg up on the body pillow he had propped under his belly.

He tried shoving Daisy but the dog wouldn’t budge.

He thought about ditching the body pillow but thinking about going back to sleep without it was almost worse than the heat.  There was no way he would admit that fact to Jared.  When the pillow mysteriously showed up, Jensen had relegated it to the foot of the bed.  He had always slept with two down pillows; he didn’t need that ridiculous contraption.  Then one day he laid down while Jared was in the shower.  When he woke up, Jared had tucked the pillow under his middle.  It was, in one word, fantastic.  Walking around with his growing stomach was weird but sleeping with it was just uncomfortable.  The pillow helped him from forgetting about it and rolling an odd way.

“Daisy, you're not even allowed in this bed.  At least give me room to breathe.”  Jensen snorted and buried his head in the pillow.

Daisy whimpered and crawled on her belly so that she was flush with Jensen, paw smacking at his hand in an attempt to wake him up enough for belly rubs. 

“No, Daisy.  Sleep.  It’s sleep time.  _Please_.  Daddy needs sleep.”

As if she understood, Daisy backed off, giving Jensen enough space to spread out while flopping her head on Jared’s pillow.  Curling a hand in Daisy’s fur, Jensen sighed as sleep finally creeped back in.

When he woke again, Daisy was still there but the room was lighter.  He had no idea how long he had slept but he’d had a hard time finding sleep last night and was thankful he made up for that fact with a lazy morning.

Stretching the sleep out of his joints, hunger hit him full on.

Leaving his lazy lump of a dog in the bed, he made his way downstairs to find something to eat.

There was a bowl of fresh fruit on the table and he was tempted to chow down on an apple and banana, but he wanted something more satisfying.  Pulling open the refrigerator door, he was met with a chilling chocolate pudding pie.  He knew it was for the BBQ later on but that fact seemed secondary to the fact that Jensen had already decided it would be a suitable breakfast.

Unbeknownst to Jensen, Jared made his way into the kitchen and observed his husband with a curious smirk.  He smiled and quietly sneaked behind him so he could run his hands down the man’s back.

Jensen, as if receiving the shock of a lifetime, jumped and shuffled a few feet backwards.  The refrigerator door slammed shot while he backed up against the kitchen counter.  His eyes were wide in surprise as he let out a deep breath.  Pie in one hand, he pulled back from Jared.  “Shit, Jare.  You almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Sorry.”  Jared flicked his eyes between his husband’s gaze and the pie in Jensen’s hands.  “What are you doing?”

“Looking for something to eat.”

“And you figured the pie I woke up early to make so we could bring it to your parent’s house this afternoon would be a great idea?”

“Seems like one.  There’s milk in it.”  Jensen shrugged but pulled the pie back, making sure it was out of Jared’s grasp.

“It’s okay.  I made two.”

“You did?”  Jensen smiled and raised an eyebrow.  “I knew I loved you for a reason.”

“Only one?”

“There are probably others.”  Jensen stalked forward and trapped Jared against the opposite kitchen counter.  “You’re usually good at reminding me what they are.”  Still balancing the pie in one hand, Jensen slotted their legs together in just the right way so that he could roll his groin against Jared’s.  Jared let out a breathy moan, body surrendering to Jensen immediately.  “See, you’re already reminding me.”

Jared pulled away enough to look at Jensen with unfocused eyes.  He shivered before parting his lips and letting Jensen draw him into a kiss, the gesture getting progressively deeper as it went on.

Jensen had no idea what had gotten into him.  Mostly he was hungry, but when he saw Jared standing there, he decided he would rather have his husband for breakfast.  Pie could wait.  In the middle of a rough kiss, an idea bloomed in his mind and he let out a satisfied growl into the kiss.  Jared opened up to him beautifully, falling back to brace himself against the counter as Jensen’s lips set his muscles to shaking.  It sent a chill down his spine and he smiled into the kiss.

By the time Jensen felt he has sufficiently ravished Jared’s lips, his husband was letting out abbreviated pants and his dick was jutting into Jensen’s thigh.  The problem with their position was that Jensen’s belly made it difficult to build up more friction between their legs.  It did, however, leave them both on the edge of needing more.

Jared’s hand slid down Jensen’s sides, thumbs tracing over the curve of Jensen’s middle.  “Ohh, Jen…you…”  He shifted his gaze to Jensen’s stomach before looking back up at his husband.  His eyes were filled with weighty lust.

That look shocked Jensen.  He couldn’t comprehend how on earth Jared could find his expanding middle lust worthy.  “Jare…are you serious?  You really dig the belly?”

Jared moved closer and wrapped both arms around him.  Opening his neck up so Jensen could kiss along it, he practically purred out, "ohh yeah, I dig the belly."

“Seriously?”

“Mmm hmm.”  Jared pulled Jensen towards him, moaning as his husband sucked a mark into the skin there.  “Jensen, I love all of you.  You’re so sexy.”

As puzzling as Jared’s admittance was, his husband was snaking a hand between them and palming his rapidly thickening cock.  It was enough to made him believe Jared at his word.  Besides, Jared was making delicious wanton noises.  If the belly did it for Jared, he could work with that.  Eyes taking on a mischievous gleam, Jensen pulled away.  "Want some pie?" he asked seductively.

“Oh yeah.”  Jared’s voice was practically hoarse before Jensen kissed him silly again, sliding their tongues together.

"How bad?” Jensen said as he twirled his finger in the pie's whipped cream and slowly licked it off.  His tongue swirled around the digit, liking off every trace of cream.  Jared let out a moan as he watched his husband’s tongue work.

" _Really_ bad." Jared rolled his groin against Jensen's leg as he shivered.

"That bad hmm?" Jensen teased as he dragged his finger threw the whipped cream again, this time smudging it on Jared's cheek.  Leaning up, his tongue slowly lapped at it.

Jared shivered as he felt Jensen's hot breath on his face. "Sooooo bad." With that, he took hold of Jensen's face and planted a kiss on his lips.

Jensen leaned closer, placing a small glob of cake on his husband's lips. "You look delicious. Much better than the dessert." He captured Jared's lips in his own again and attempted to pull the taller man away from the counter so that he was pressed flush against him.  Habitually, the movement was a rough, needy tug.  Unfortunately, Jensen's belly got in the way.  "Fuck." Breaking the moment he and Jared were having, he rubbed his stomach. "Well, that’s inconvenient.” Turning inward, Jensen pulled his shirt down to futrther sheild his stomach, derailed from the direction he and Jared had been heading in. A mumbled complaint escaped under his breath.

Finally Jared grabbed Jensen's hand and pulled him close.  "Jensen, shut up."  He started in the direction of their bedroom, indicating that Jensen should follow him. “Come on, Jen.  Let’s find a more belly friendly position.”  Giving a smirk and an eyebrow wiggle, "Ohh and Jensen? Grab the pie."

Worries forgotten, Jensen's ears perked up when he heard the tone in Jared's voice.  Without hesitation, he rushed after him towards their bedroom, pie in hand.  When he entered the room, Jared had one hand on his hip and let out a scoffing laugh.  He pointed to Daisy who was now sitting in the middle of the bed, tail wagging and ears perked up.

“I told you she would abuse the privilege of the bed.”

Jensen wiped the ‘it told you so look’ off his husband’s face by grabbing Jared and pressing their lips together.  Jared let out an “umph” of surprise before melting into Jensen’s body and holding onto his biceps to help keep his footing.  Their tongues worked against each other, Jared’s submitting to Jensen’s and giving him free reign. 

Setting the pie on the nightstand, Jensen raised his hands to Jared’s scalp and ran his fingers through the silky hair there.  "Want you." Jensen panted into the kiss.  "Undress."

It was really a statement and not a command, but Jared did so anyway. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the ground. His pants and boxer briefs quickly followed, leaving him wonderfully naked in record time. “Daisy, down.  Out.”  Jared pointed to the door and Daisy obediently trotted out so that the man could close the door behind her.  He crawled onto the bed and leaned back onto the various pillows thrown across it. "Come here Jensen."

That sounded like a pretty stellar idea to Jensen.  He did just that, crawling into place beside his husband, kissing the hallow of his neck, sucking on the salty flesh. He let Jared fiddle with his shirt’s hem for a while, until finally aiding him, pulling back so he could pull the fabric over his head.  After roaming his hands and lips over Jared’s chest, he sought out the man's nipples while Jared continued to kiss any part of Jensen he could get his lips on.

When Jensen ran his tongue over Jared’s hardened nipples, licking them gently, the noise he let out was enough to send another rush of blood to his arousal.  He sucked on them, rolling the hardened flesh carefully between his teeth until Jared dipped his head back and moaned. Jared made an attempt to unbutton his husband’s pants but Jensen grabbed his wrist.

“Jen, wha?”

Licking into Jared’s mouth again, Jensen shifted so that he was crawling over his husband’s body.  “I…just let me kiss you for a while. Okay?”

Confused, Jared momentarily backed down.  Jensen’s lips found their way back to his and he shivered with the intensity of the gesture.  After several more minutes of losing himself to the kiss, Jared reached for Jensen’s pants again.  In a swift move, the pregnant man evaded him again.  “Jen?  Hey.  Stop.  I don’t want to be the only one naked here.  Come join me.”

Stupidly, Jensen knew Jared had seen him naked on more than one occasion since his belly popped.  Logic didn’t factor into the insecurity he felt right now.

Raising a hand to Jensen’s cheek, Jared held it there and knocked their foreheads together.  “Hey, Jensen...You’re perfect.  Let me see you, okay?”  He kept up the eye contact as he tried for a third time to rid Jensen of his pants.  This time, it worked.  Jensen shifted, tilting his head forward to capture Jared’s lips in a kiss while the pants and underwear made their way to the floor.

Once nude, Jared ran his hands over every part of Jensen’s body.  He licked his lips and smiled, moaning when Jensen’s hand stroked over the stiff length of his dick.  Though he moaned, he betrayed the noise of pleasure by pulling away.  “Jen, wait.  I have other plans for you.”  He gently pushed the man back onto the bed, receiving a confused stare. "Wait, you'll like this." Turning towards the nightstand, Jared proceeded to take small globs of the pudding and trail them down his husband's body, from neck to groin. When he was finished, he danced his messy fingers over Jensen’s lips, where he greedily took Jared’s pie covered fingers into his mouth, and sucked them clean.  

Smirking innocently, Jared let out a groan at the fact that Jensen knew exactly what he was doing with that tongue. He leaned into Jensen neck and licked a stripe over the pie there, slowly lapping it away with teasing, sucking motions.  His teeth nibbled at the flesh as he worked his way down to Jensen's heaving chest.  Upon reaching his nipples, he took one into his mouth, sucking away all the traces of pie, and whipped cream.

Jensen let out a moan.  Jared’s tongue felt amazing.  The fact that his chest had felt more sensitive as of late did not escape him and Jared’s sucking was doing pretty perfect things to his libido right now.  His hands found their way to Jared's scalp, impatiently trying to push him downwards.

When Jared trailed his tongue to Jensen’s bulging tummy so as to lick up more of the pie, the pregnant man froze.  Jared’s exhales fanned over his middle, making him shiver.  Jensen was overcome with the desire to flinch but somewhere along the line his body went on without him.  Jared’s kisses felt good across his sensitive middle, now he needed his brain to let him enjoy them.

“Shh, Jen.  Relax.”  Jared rubbed his cheek against the swell.  His fingers dug into Jensen’s hips, keeping him from pulling away.  With soft kitten licks, he licked his way across the curve, cleaning up the mess of chocolate he made moments earlier.  
  
Jensen let his head fall backwards and moan as he felt Jared lick lower.  Looking down, he watch the intensity at which Jared worked at lavishing him with attention.  He almost let out a laugh when he realized the pie was his idea in the first place, however, Jared was reaping the benefits.  He had to admit that Jared’s kissing, sucking, and licking was a more than fair tradeoff.  Head lolling back, Jensen lost himself to Jared’s very capable mouth.  A loud moan left his mouth and his eyes popped open the moment he felt Jared take his hardness into his mouth. Instinctively, his hips scooted closer to Jared, wanting very much to be surrounded by Jared's hot mouth. "Ohh Jay!"  
  
Putting a palm on the inside of each of Jensen’s thighs, he pushed them wider to gain better access to his husband’s length.

Jensen’s heart skipped a beat when Jared ran his tongue over the underbelly of Jensen's erection, suckling gently.  He continued bobbing his head and used his tongue to press patterns in the stiff organ. "Mmm...More Jared."  Breath coming in aroused pants, Jensen bucked his hips to help Jared take in his full length.  Groaning, he propped himself so that he could watch Jared’s mouth work, and shivered when a warm, talented tongue swiped over the slit of his dick and lapped up precome before going back to sucking more forcefully.  
  
He propped himself up on his elbows so he could watch his lover's mouth at work. He bucked his hips as he felt Jared's sucking become more forceful.

If Jensen wasn’t Jensen, he would have let himself go and come down Jared’s throat.  He knew, however, that he didn’t have it in him tonight to go a second round if Jared got him off this very moment.  There was no way he was letting that happen.  He needed to be inside Jared.  Cursing, he tried very hard not to let that thought send him over the edge.  “Jare, babe…let up for a minute.”

After several thorough bobs of his head, Jared pulled off, smiling as he wiped the back of his mouth with his hand.  His lips were swollen from kissing and sucking and his cheeks were flushed with excitement.

“Fuck, Jare, you’re gorgeous.”  Jensen’s mouth practically watered at the sight of Jared.  His husband was attractive but never more so than when his dick was hard and leaking and his chest was covered with a sheen of arousal.  “So fucking gorgeous.”  Reaching out, he cupped Jared at the back of his neck and flipped them around, pining the younger man against the headboard and fucking into his mouth with his tongue.  Jared tasted like sex and chocolate.  As much as he enjoyed that taste, he would much rather be buried inside Jared while kissing him.

In a familiar shuffle that found Jared flat on his back, legs spread while Jensen scissored two lubed up slippery fingers inside him, Jensen got his husband ready.  The preparation wasn’t anything new, but Jensen loved the way Jared reacted to him more and more each time they took part in this.  Kissing the tender insides of his husband’s thighs, he blew cold air across Jared’s entrance before letting his fingers tease the rim. He was rewarded with a grunt from Jared as he continued to stroke the man's insides. Adding another finger into the moaning man he teasingly dragged them along his insides.  Pumping them slowly into the tight cavity, he added another one, all three stroking Jared's insides in search for his prostate. When they brushed up against it, Jared arched his hips off the bed and shuddered.

"Ohh Jensen!" Jared's hands clamped down on Jensen's shoulder, urging him to quicken his pace as he bucked his hips. "Keep going, just a little more…please?”  Voice dissolving into moans, Jared fisted the bed sheets, pushing his shoulder blades into the mattress so that he could cant his hips in the air.

It didn’t take long before Jared was begging for it in just the way that Jensen couldn’t refuse.

“Yeah, babe.  I’m  going to give you more.”  Withdrawing his fingers, Jensen lubed up his painfully hard length.  Jared spread his legs wide enough for Jensen to situate himself between them.  It was awkward at first because, while his stomach wasn’t exactly in the way, it wasn’t helping matters either.  “Jay, can you…”  Biting his lip, Jensen kept making slow strokes of his fist over his arousal as he figured out a way to make this work.  Jared looked at him with half lidded eyes, eliciting a possessive growl from him.  Leaning forward, Jensen shoved Jared onto his side, pulling his legs apart in a V so that the one facing the ceiling was raised over his shoulder.

With a tentative test thrust of his hips, Jensen made his way between Jared’s legs.  “You look so good like this, Jay.  I love that you get like this.  Fuck, Jare…I’m gonna…”  Words falling away, Jensen nudged forward, slotting them together so that he has to raise up on his knees slightly to press the tip of his dick at Jared’s slick opening.

Pushing in was as exquisite as it always was.  Jared’s body yielded to him but it put up just enough fight to make Jensen have to work for it.  With calculated thrust, Jensen shivered and moans when he made his way inside his husband.

“Oh shit, Jen!”  Jared threw his head back, writhing on the bed and doing absolutely nothing to prevent Jensen from losing his fragile grip a pacing himself.  Jared’s body teased too much, making Jensen give up on going slow and slam in with one gentle yet thorough stroke.  “Nng!”

Closing his eyes, Jensen’s hips set a rhythm, rolling in small circular movements to ensure he is buried to the hilt.  Even if he wasn’t, Jared’s body was working with him and Jensen was sure his husband would have found a way to take every inch of Jensen’s dick inside.

Even without the ability to kiss Jared’s panting lips, it was good.  Fucking fantastic, actually.  Jensen lost himself to the motions, slamming in and pulling out with jerky movements.  Thrusting wildly into the man below him, Jensen landed himself on the verge of climaxing.  He felt a twinge in his hip, a cramp from holding the position for so long.  It wasn’t worrisome but it did remind him that he couldn’t keep this up forever.  Getting a better hold on Jared, he pounded into him again, each thrust pulling a moan of pleasure from his husband, letting him know he was hitting the perfect spot.  There were strings of dirty words and praise for how "fucking perfect" Jensen was aiming his thrusts.  Snaking a hand between them, he wrapped it around the man’s dripping length, twisting his fist and pumping.  “Gonna come, Jare.  Fuck…want me to?”

Jared didn’t say anything.  He was too far gone for words and when Jensen’s wrist stroked more solidly, his eyes popped open and he nodded feverously. 

Letting out a satisfied exhale, Jensen felt Jared’s muscles clamp down on his dick.  The telltale hold splashes across his hand let him know Jared was coming.  Looking down, he watched Jared’s cock release another pulse of come in time with a loud satisfied groan.

The moans coming from Jared and the sensations building in his body proved too much for him; Jensen came with a sudden jerk of his hips.  Momentum made him keep moving, shuddering to a halt as his orgasm washed over him, a tremendous sense of relief and calm coming with it.

In languid movements, they worked each other through their orgasms until Jensen fell into a sweaty mess beside Jared.

Laying there, Jensen had no words.  He wasn’t prone to too many of them after sex, mostly because they weren’t needed.  Jared was smiling, giving soft openmouthed pants between smiles.  Reaching up, Jensen pushed a lock of sweaty hair out of Jared’s face.  “Hey, gorgeous.”

“Hey, yourself.”  Jared let out a happy sigh while reaching up to catch Jensen’s hand and press a kiss to his palm.

Jensen had no plans on moving for the next hour.  Yes, he was worn out from exerting so much energy but mostly he was content to lay there with Jared.  The BBQ didn’t start for several hours yet and the bed seems like the perfect place to wait them out.  They were still slotted together, only when Jensen fell to the bed, they landed in a better position.  He was comfortable and the cramp in his middle was completely gone.  Despite being sweaty, Jared was clinging on to him, one hand wrapped around Jensen’s arm while the other rested on his pregnant belly.

It didn’t feel odd.  If anything, it felt comfortable.  Plus, if Jared found it sexy, Jensen was _not even_ going to think about arguing that issue.

Eventually, they zoned out.  They didn’t fall asleep, but they were happily blissed out for the time being.  Jensen had Jared pulled close, his head resting on the younger man’s shoulder.  He tilted his head up so he can kiss the underside of Jared’s jaw.  Jared hummed happily; that was enough to urge Jensen on.

Though Jensen originally thought otherwise, there was the possibility for him to go again.  For as many shitty, pesky, pregnancy issues Jensen had encountered, he apparently found out he got to deal with one that wasn’t so bad.  He’d been atypically horny as of late, making their healthy sex life all the more ‘healthy’.  Jensen figured it was only fair that fate found away to even out the score.

Everything felt balanced as he looked his husband over.  Jared was enough to make his heart skip a beat.  Looking completely debauched and leaking evidence of what they just did, Jared was something Jensen would never get enough of.  He was about to start sucking a bruise to the spot behind Jared’s ear, the one he loved, when the phone rang.

Lazily, Jared reached out a hand and grabbed it.  Flipping it to face Jensen, he tensed his features.  “Jen, it’s Ali.”

Mood quickly forgotten, Jensen scrambled to sit up and snatched the phone from his husband.  Connecting the call, he shoved the phone to his ear.  “Ali?”

“Jensen?”

“Yeah.  What’s up?”

“Is Jared there?”

“Umm, yeah.  Next to me.”  Jensen flashed worried eyes towards Jared.  He didn’t like the tension in Ali’s voice.  She sounded tightly strung, her words making it hard for Jensen to miss.

“Okay, good.”  She went silent, stalling as if trying to figure out how to proceed.

“What the hell is going on Ali?”

“Listen, I’ve always been frank with you.  So, I’m going to do that now.  I told you I would call you if there was anything that worried me about your ultrasound scans.  Everything looks perfect except for one thing.  There is something on the baby’s heart.  A light spot.  It is called an Echogenic Focus.”

Jensen almost dropped the phone.  His blood ran cold and his muscles forgot how to operate.  “A…an Echogenic Focus?  What the hell does that mean?”

“Well, it…it could be nothing.  Unfortunately, I can’t tell you.  It could be a calcium deposit or something wrong with one of the muscles, like a calcification of part of the heart or such.  I am telling you because I promised you I would tell you everything.  But I don’t want you to worry, at least not now.  I know that sounds impossible, but 9.9 out of 10 times, it’s absolutely nothing.  And for the .1 times that it is something, it usually clears up on its own before birth.  I need you to believe that it will be okay.  Whatever the outcome, we’re going to work for it to be okay.”  Ali paused when Jensen went completely silent.  “Jensen?  Are you still there?”

Swallowing, Jensen shivered.  “Yeah…I…yeah.”  His peculiar actions drew Jared’s attention and Jared was leaning in closer, trying to figure out what was going on.

Ali sighed loudly.  “I want you to schedule another ultrasound with a high-risk OB so we can make sure everything is okay.  I can give you the number for that office.  Or you can call me back if you want to talk it over with Jared.  I will be in the office all day and I’ll instruct the staff to pull me out of an exam if you or Jared call.”

“Okay.”  Jensen felt like he was in a cloud.  His brain was fuzzy after suffering whiplash due to going from post coitus bliss to absolute fear. “Okay…I need to think about this…I need to think…I…”

“You need to calm down.  Can you do that?  Tell Jared but don’t freak out, right?  Not until we know for sure.”  Ali’s concern was palpable as she tried to reassure her patient.

“Okay.”  Jensen nodded his head, hands shaking to keep his hands on the phone.  He couldn’t figure out how to stop his lungs from hyperventilating as he let the phone fall to his lap.

Even though he heard Ali say the light spot could mean nothing, his mind had already been predisposed to something being wrong that it instantly latched onto the calcification issue.

“Jen?  What’s going on?”  Jared physically turned Jensen’s head so he could look the pregnant man in the eyes.  “Jen?  You’re scaring me.”  His eyes were wide with worry, shattering Jensen’s resolve even further.

An adrenaline spike caused dizziness to wash over Jensen.  It was lucky he was already sitting down.  Heart breaking, all his mind could focus on was “high-risk OB”.  His baby was suddenly considered high-risk.

Biting his lip, Jensen was able to get out one sentence before releasing a pained cry.  All he could answer Jared with was the one thing his brain got hooked on.  He knew there was more to the story and that he should probably start with that part but he couldn’t.  His world felt like it was closing in on him.  Fear reared its ugly head, proving to be a double edged sword because he was worried for more than his and Jared’s child.  If anything happened to their baby, Jared wouldn’t survive it.  Truthfully, Jensen wasn’t sure he would either.

“There’s something wrong with the baby’s heart.”


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: past mpreg!Jared, past miscarriage, angst, H/C, versatile!J2, abuse of human biology, mpreg!Jensen, cursing, a little schmoop  
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> AMAZING banner by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.  
> 

Jensen felt like he’d been sleepwalking.

Actually, sleepwalking was too generous of a term.  Sleepwalking would actually involve movement.

Basically, Jensen felt like the world kept going on outside of him while he was at a standstill.  He was afraid to move, almost afraid to breathe, as if either of the two options would aid in his child’s downfall.

Somewhere, Jensen felt like he was the cause of whatever may be going on with his child’s heart.  Since his body was helping the fetus grow, then he must be the one responsible for causing any issues with the tiny heart inside him.

Logically, that was stupid.  Illogically, where Jensen’s brain had taken up permanent residence, it was the only answer he could come up with as to why this was happening.  It made him afraid to move too much.

Oddly, Jared fell into the same line of thinking.  Because both of them started to believe that staying still and withdrawing from life would prevent them from agitating the issue, they were at an awkward standstill.

Jensen took off from work.

He was certain that human resources must have heard something in his voice when he called but he didn’t have it in him to clarify exactly what that was.  Instead he hung up and found himself staring at the wall.

The odd thing was, no matter how much Jensen tried not to move, the baby tried that much harder to make its presence known.  It shifted, rolled, and kicked or experimented with a combo version of all three. 

Jensen had no idea how his child could have no sense.  What business did it have moving around like it didn’t know something was wrong with it?

Two days off led to a lot of Jensen staring at the wall and Jared staring at Jensen.  It was then that Jensen realized Jared was looking at him in the same way that Jensen had once stared at Jared after his miscarriages.  Jared looked at Jensen like his husband was about to break and they were just waiting for things to shatter. 

Jared looked pained and conflicted.

Aside from Jensen elaborating on what Ali had said, they hadn’t talked about his new classification as a high-risk pregnancy.  The issue was still there, it was huge and heavy and made it almost impossible to wade through it, but they didn’t open their mouths to talk about it.

For a brief moment, after Jensen had hung up with Ali, he had tried his best to tether himself to the fact that she said the spot on the baby’s heart could be nothing.  Jared did too.  That was what they were hoping for.  Despite the fact that they promised each other not to use the internet to research what a spot could mean, their web based research found them too many negative outcomes.  The worse case scenarios were scary enough to make hoping the spot was nothing seem naïve.  They’d rather be prepared for the fall than complete traumatized by it.

While Jensen refused to budge from the bed, Jared took to hovering.  He walked in and out of the bedroom as if forgetting what he was looking for.  Jensen knew he was looking for some way to make things better but he was in no shape to help his husband find that.

Eventually, Jared took to cooking _things_.  It started off as baked goods and escaladed to a medley of all the foods Jensen liked.  He put great effort in trying to get Jensen to eat them, so much that Jensen conceded and started taking small bites of things out of pity.  If mothering him was making Jared feel better, Jensen could play along for the time being.

Nighttime was the worst.  Jared hadn’t put up a fight about letting Daisy sleep in their bed; in fact, he had been the one burying his face in her fur like she had some magic power to make everything okay.  Even with Daisy, Jensen was left alone at night.  He and Jared could stare at each other for a while, but they didn’t talk about anything other than Jared asking questions to reaffirm that _yes, he was feeling alright_ and _no, he didn’t need anything_.  Eventually Jared would fall asleep and Jensen was left with only the baby kicking to keep him company.

It was like the kid never slept anymore.

Some sick part of Jensen’s brain thought maybe it was trying to use up its quota of kicks before it ran out of time to use them.

Jensen wanted to put a bullet in that part of his brain.

In the end, he settled for sleep.

On the third day of his self imposed exile from the world, Jensen showered.  He got dressed.  He ate breakfast like a normal human being.  He even walked Daisy.  Jared tried to do it for him, spewing some bull shit about how Jensen should probably go rest on the couch, but he settled for going along with his husband for the walk.

On the third day, something either went numb or clicked in his brain.  Jensen couldn’t sit in his bedroom anymore.  He felt like shit and he still wanted to stand absolutely still, but he couldn’t give into that idea.  They had an appointment with a high-risk doctor in another day and he had to focus on that rather than… _everything._

So, on the third day, Jensen went to work.

************************

Thankfully, Jensen’s coworkers knew well enough to leave him alone.  He was sure he was radiating some heavy internal conflict issues and their ability to push past that made walking in the front doors all the more manageable.

His case load was either an easy one due to fate throwing him a bone or someone in scheduling having pity on him.

Looking at his first patient of the day, Jensen recalled the name instantly.  Greg Mason had been one of his physical therapy clients several months before.  While the man did come with the usual complaints for having to do certain exercises after surgery, he was one of Jensen’s more enjoyable patients.

Walking into the room, Greg had already been escorted there by a technician.  When he saw Jensen, he gave a friendly smile.

“Jensen!  No offence, but I was hoping I wouldn’t have to see you again.  It’s nice to see you all the same.”  Greg gave another smile in greeting.

“Mr. Mason, nice to see you again.  I’m sorry it is under such circumstances.”  Jensen flipped through Mr. Mason’s chart and scanned the information.  “So, you had reconstructive surgery on your left hip to match your right?”

“Yeah, well, I figured I might as well balance it out.  And please, call me Greg.  We’ve already been through this.”  Greg shifted, holding onto the PT walker.  He hissed in discomfort but still tried to smile past it.  For someone in his sixties, his smile tended to bring back his youth and help in making most people, including Jensen, like him.  “Doc says my left hip was getting too weak from putting extra pressure on it while my right hip recovered.  So, here I am again.”

“Unfortunately, that’s what happens a lot of the time.  So, I’ve been off for a few days, but you worked with James, right?”  When Greg nodded, Jensen put the file on the counter and walked forward.  “You are going to be doing a lot of the same today: inclined walking, going up and down stairs.  Just try not to have too much fun.”

“I can’t promise anything.”  For the first time, Greg got a glance of Jensen’s stomach.  It was on display beneath the tight stretch of fabric.  “That wasn’t there the last time we met.”

Splaying a hand over the curve at the front of his belly, Jensen’s cheeks flushed slightly.  “No, uhh…It wasn’t.”

“How far along are you?”

“22 weeks,” Jensen responded without missing a beat.

“Well, well, well, that’s a happy occurrence.”  Greg let out a laugh.  “Congratulations to you and your,” he paused in recollection, “husband.  Right?”

“Yeah.  Husband.  Jared.”  Scratching at the back of his head, Jensen cleared his throat in discomfort and moved to set up for some inclined walking.

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.  It was just surprising.  I didn’t expect to find you pregnant.  But it is exciting, right?  I remember when my son was on the way and now I am expecting my first grandchild in a month.”  Greg let Jensen slowly lead him to the setup.

“No need to apologize.  I’ve been getting that a lot lately.”  For the first round of therapy, Jensen helped Greg up a small incline, letting him take small measured steps until he felt more confident in the motion.  “Congratulations on the grandbaby.”

“Thank you.  I feel like a first time parent all over again, only, this time I get to give the baby back.  I get to spoil her for all the good parts.”  He laughed once before pausing to concentrate on walking down the decline.  “Do you know what you’re having?”

“No.  We…um…we didn’t want to.”  Jensen’s body language went tense as he wet his lips.  Talking about the baby was starting to do wacky things in his brain and he felt the stirrings of an emotional outburst.

“Good for you.  I didn’t want to find out either.”  Almost stumbling, he grabbed onto a railing and continued with the physical therapy.  If Jensen remembered correctly, this was the part where Mr. Mason cursed the mandatory physical therapy.  Instead, he was too wrapped up in the excitement over being a grandfather and talking about babies that he forged right along.  “You’re going to love it.  There are really difficult parts, trying parts when you wonder why the hell you did this.  But then there are parts that make you question why you didn’t do it sooner.”

The last sentence hit a nerve and Jensen visually cringed.  There were a hell of a lot of reasons why he and Jared hadn’t done this sooner and all of those reasons ended up the way this pregnancy might too.  Greg was so excited, so happy, it made Jensen snap.  He could really use some excitement or happiness himself right now.  He paused, set his features, and took a shaky breath.

“Jensen…I’m sorry.  Did I say something wrong?”

“No…I just…no…I’m fine.”  But he wasn’t fine.  The baby kicked and he lost it.  He went from holding it together to letting every worry and concern wash over his face.  It was unprofessional but he couldn’t stop it.

“Son, you’re not fine.  Should I call someone?”  Greg made his way off the incline wedge and grabbed onto his PR walker again.

“No.  No.  I’m sorry.  It’s just…”  Jensen gave his patient a glance.  Greg was looking at him with a type of genuine concern that help melt away the last stitches of his restraint.  “It’s just, there is something wrong with the baby’s heart.  And I…I just found out and I don’t know…we don’t know…”  Part of him couldn’t believe he was standing there looking for condolence from a practical stranger.  He was divulging extremely personal information.  The other part of him didn’t care.  It needed to get out and Greg just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Or, as it turned out, the right place at the right time.

Greg soaked in Jensen’s reveal without complaint or judgment.  He looked sad, like he actually cared to listen.  Though he must be in discomfort from the surgery and the therapy, he made his way closer to Jensen.  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“She’s so little,” vaguely, Jensen picked up on the choice of pronoun but he was too tired of using ‘it’ to care.  “There is a spot on her heart.  They don’t know what it means.  It could be nothing. It could be calcification of the heart.  It could be a lot of things.”  Letting out a deep breath, Jensen shook his head in disbelief.  “It could be a lot of things that I won’t know about until Friday and here I am telling you about it.”

Sighing, Greg put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder.  “You’re correct; you don’t know anything right now, right?”

“R-right.”

“So how do you know that it’s worth being upset over?”

“I…um…” swallowing, Jensen took rapid calming breaths.  It was bad enough he just vented his spleen to the man, he didn’t need tears to go with it.  “We don’t know.”

“Listen, I know you work in a physical field, but I believe in the power of positive thinking.  Like these steps here,” he walked with Jensen towards the PT steps.  “I did five yesterday, and I am going to try to do six today.  I’m not going to think I can’t do it because I don’t know if I can until I try.  You don’t know what your baby can do until you give it a chance.”

That wasn’t the first time Jensen had come face to face with thinking positively.  He knew Mr. Mason had a point.  He couldn’t find words for a moment so he set up the steps and helped Greg climb the first one.

Before he rose any higher, Greg gave Jensen another confident nod.  “Don’t you worry, that baby is going to be fine.”  He let his gaze fall to Jensen’s belly.

“You think?”

“I do.  But, that’s not really important now.  What do you think?”

Chewing his bottom lip, Jensen thought for a moment.  Mr. Mason was right.  Worrying and freaking out wasn’t going to solve anything.  It would do them no good whatsoever, regardless of the outcome of their appointment on Friday.  Thinking something was going to go wrong showed little faith.  Being a cheerleader of sorts, however, showed all the dedication in the world.  He had been so intensely dedicated to his marriage, to Jared, to having this baby, it was shocking to realize he was faltering now. 

The baby kicked, almost as a response to Mr. Mason’s question.  Though he wasn’t psychic and he wasn’t sure how things would work out, Jensen was hoping his and Jared’s child was as determined as they were.  “I think that you’re going to have to come back in a few months so you can see pictures of my kid.”

Letting out a snort of laughter, Greg smiled.  “That’s the spirit.  And I’d love to, as long as we don’t meet under these conditions.  You’re a great physical therapist, but these stairs can go take a hike.”

Jensen got his head back in the game enough to realize the progress that Mr. Mason had made on the steps.  “You’ve gone up six steps.”

“Yes.”  He gave a knowing nod.  “More importantly, however, I came down.”

Medically, going down was more difficult than going up but Jensen couldn’t help but think there was deeper meaning in what his patient said.

*****************

When Jensen returned home from work, he found Jared in bed with Daisy.

He almost laughed.

The dog looked perfectly at home but Jared’s face looked distraught.

“Hey, Jay.”  Jensen leaned down and kissed him softly.  “Want me to make dinner?”

As if coming out of a daze, Jared shook his head.  “No.  I can.  You just got back from work.  You should relax for a while.”

“I fine Jared.  A little tired but I’m fine.  I can make something.”  Giving a small smile, Jensen put one hand on the small of his back and looked at his husband.  A shiver ran down his spine as the baby shifted awkwardly, the movement prompting a surprised gasp out of him.

In a flash, Jared was on his feet, eyes wide with a panicked concern.  “Jen!  You okay?”  His hands worked over Jensen in searching motions.

Jensen couldn’t help but think that Jared looked like a frightened rabbit.  His husband was staring at him with worry that was unnecessary.  “Shh, Jare, calm down.  I’m _fine_.  The kid just surprised me is all.”

“Ohh, so…”  Letting out a sigh, Jared shook his head.  “Can you just sit down?  Please?  I’d feel a lot better if you sat down while I worried about dinner.”

Looking into Jared’s pleading eyes, Jensen let his initial snap of a refusal fall away.  “Jared, I don’t need to sit down.  But, if it will make you feel better, I’ll go downstairs with you and watch some television.  Okay?”

Closing his eyes, Jared pressed their foreheads together and spoke in a whisper.  “Thank you.”

It was how Jensen ended up on the couch staring at the television but not really watching it while Jared flew in and out of the room with relaxation suggestions or glasses of water, iced tea, _anything in liquid form_.  It was sweet; Jensen knew Jared meant well.  It was also suffocating.  He had just come from work.  He’s realized that treating the baby’s heart issue like a worst case scenario when it could turn out to be nothing wasn’t doing them any favors.  Jared’s actions, while filled with love and concern, were threatening to bring him back to that dark place where he was afraid to move.

Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore.  Sitting still was making his skin crawl with nervous energy and he was certain he would combust if he didn’t get rid of it.

Marching himself towards their garage, he quickly located his tool box.  There was a leaky pipe in the guest bathroom he’d been meaning to work on _forever_.  Now seemed like the perfect time.

Gathering the materials he needed, he made his way to the guest bathroom, fully aware that he wasn’t being quiet about it and that Jared would be hot on his heels.

It only took him a few moments to empty the cabinet under the sink so that he could reach the pipe.  By the time he was shutting the water off and searching through his tool box, Jared’s frame filled the doorway.

Eyebrows furrowed, Jared looked into the room in confusion.  “What do you think you’re doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?”  With a shrug, Jensen pulled out the right tools and situated himself under the sink.

“It _looks_ like you’re fixing the sink.  Which…Jen…I really don’t think you should be.  I can do it or we can hire someone.  I think maybe you should…”

“If you say ‘rest’, I am going to lose it.  I can’t possibly rest any more.  I’m _fine._ Totally _fine_.  Jay, babe, I know you’re worried.  I _know_ you’re trying to help, but it isn’t helping.  Doing something, fixing the sink, being useful, _that_ is helping right now.”  Jensen put his tools down for a moment and looked at his husband.  His expression was calm.  He wasn’t angry but he was frustrated.  “Jare, I am not doing anything strenuous.  I wouldn’t do that.  You know that..”

Biting his lip, Jared let his brain work Jensen’s words over.  “Well…are you sure?  Because I can…”

“No Jay, you go back to figuring out dinner.  I’m good.  Okay?  I just can’t kept walking around like everything is going to fall to shit.  I _can’t_.  And I don’t think you should either.  We had our pity party but it isn’t going to do anyone any good to keep that up.  So right now I just need to feel normal, okay?”

The words spark a look of realization of Jared’s face.  “Oh god, Jen,” Jared let out a sigh of relief.  “I know!  I mean, we can’t keep doing this.  I’m…well I’m pretty damn miserable and I guess trying to micromanage you was helping me ignore that fact.  I’m sorry.”

Right then, Jensen wanted to kiss Jared.  His husband looked relieved to be given permission to act normal again.  The only problem was that he couldn’t get up off the floor – not that he would admit that.  “Come here baby.”

Jared knelt to the ground in front of Jensen.

“I love you.  And I love that you love me so much.  But I’m not going to break and you aren’t going to find a way to break me.”  Leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to the corner of Jared’s mouth.  “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”  Reaching up, Jared pulled Jensen’s lips closer, pressing several lingering kisses there.

“Good.  So, do you think maybe we could have pizza?  This kid is really liking the combination of sauce, cheese, and bread right now.”

Letting out a laugh, Jared allowed himself to shine through.  “Yeah.  Pizza sounds good.”

Jensen laughed too.  Somehow the leaky pipe had put things in perspective for him.  When Jared left, he found himself talking aloud as he fixed the pipe, going through each step in detail.  At first, he wasn’t sure what he was doing but then he realized he was talking to the baby.  For the first time.  It wasn’t baby talk and it wasn’t cliché revelations of love, but in Jensen’s own way, he got all of that across.

It made him happy that he his subconscious had decided to share helpful information that his kid could use when it grew up rather than giving up and assuming the kid wouldn’t live long enough to need it.

Plus, in the four wall of the bathroom, no one was around to tease him about it.

*********************

He wasn’t sure what the reason was, but Jensen found himself pulled out of sleep.  He refused to open his eyes in an attempt to keep his grasp on unconsciousness but the feeling of a hand quickly retreating from his belly made him open them wide.

The room was dimly lit with the blue glow of their alarm clock and residual light from outside.  Jensen could easily make out Jared’s form looking embarrassed and perhaps a little nervous.  “Jay?”

“Yeah, I…I’m sorry.  Did I wake you?”

Jensen shifted.  Looking down he saw that the blankets were pulled low and his shirt had ridden up, exposing his entire belly.  “No, you didn’t.  I’ve been in and out of sleep all night.”

“Me too.  Nervous about tomorrow’s appointment?”  Jared rubbed a hand over his face and tried to commit to the distraction instead of what he had been doing to wake Jensen.

“Yeah, but,” Jensen took in Jared’s face.  His husband looked hurt or uncertain.  Then Jensen’s brain cleared of sleep enough so that he could pinpoint what was going on.  Jared had been trying to touch his middle while he was sleeping.  He looked desperate and helpless.  It broke Jensen’s heart that his husband should feel such things.  It also saddened him that Jared had pulled back so quickly, like he had any reason to be ashamed of touching Jensen’s belly.  “Jared, you can touch.”  He grabbed Jared’s hand and pressed it against his swell.

Surprised, Jared took a sharp intake of air.  “But, I…”

“This is your baby too.  You can touch anytime you want.  I’ll never care if it is you.  Other people?  Yeah, they might get their hands chopped off.  You?  Never.  Jare, this is our baby, you can touch all you want.”  Jensen smiled as he kept Jared’s hand pressed to his middle.

With a slow coming thankful smile, Jared added his other hand to join in.  He rounded them over the curve of Jensen’s stomach and let out a sigh.  “Ohh, baby…”

As if those were the magic words, the baby kicked – hard.  Jensen let out a snort while Jared let out a gasp.

“ _I_ felt that.”  The smile on Jared’s face reached his eyes.  “Holy shit.”

“Yeah, I felt it too.  They’re stronger every day.”  Stretching, Jensen leaned back against the headboard.  Watching Jared run his hands over his middle, he held his breath in anticipation of what his husband’s reaction would be.

“Will it do it again?”  Jared’s hands kept searching for movement.  Shifting closer, Jared leaned towards Jensen’s exposed stomach.

“Probably.  We were both sleeping but it seems you’ve got her worked up now.”

“Her?”  Jared raised an eyebrow at the pregnant man.

“Yeah, I dunno…I just started thinking of the baby as a her.  I could be wrong.  I just don’t want to say ‘it’ anymore, like she is an object or something.”

“Hmm.”  Shrugging, Jared dropped the subject and tried to focus on Jensen’s belly.  A soft movement under his palm caught his attention and he pressed both hands there.  “He moved again!”

For the briefest moment, Jensen rolled his eyes at Jared’s choice of pronoun.  He knew Jared thought the baby was a boy and he supposed that now he officially thought their baby was a girl.  They were going to be _those people_ , the people who argue over the baby’s gender like some cliché of an expectant couple.  When Jensen realized there would be no arguing, that they would wait and see but for now they were both not calling their child ‘it’, he smiled.  He watched Jared take in the moment.  He had been afraid that his husband would be conflicted about it: happy he could finally feel something but sad that it wasn’t happening within his own body.

“Shit, Jensen, that’s _amazing_.”  Even in the dark room, Jared’s eyes lit up.  “That’s our little one.  I mean, I saw him moving on the ultrasound screen but this makes it…”

“So much more real?” Jensen finished for him.

“Yeah.”  Jared smiled and pressed his hands to his husband’s middle so that his thumbs and pointer fingers made a diamond out of the negative space.  Leaning down, he kissed the curve of belly outlined by his fingers.  “I love you.” Voice cracking, Jared took a sharp inhale.  “Fuck…”  He made a hitching noise that alerted Jensen to the fact that Jared was crying.  “I love you so much and if…”

There wasn’t a doubt in Jensen’s mind that Jared was talking to their baby.  He felt a hot splash of tears on his stomach and his heart broke further.  He swore Jared was smiling and happy moments ago.  “Hey,” Jensen lifted Jared’s chin with one hand, “Jay, what’s going on?”

Blinking, Jared wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand.  “I…I…”  Resolve decomposing, Jared physically crumbled.  His emotional struggle had a way of making him look smaller than usual.  “I love this baby so much and he isn’t even here yet.  If something happens to him…you know _something_ , I don’t know what I’d do.  I can’t…”  Jared trailed off and wrapped his arms around his own middle.

“Yeah, I know.  Me too.”  Jensen couldn’t get anything else out.  He understood.  He did.  They didn’t need to elaborate further on the topic.  But he had made a decision to not let his mind dwell there and he sure as hell wasn’t going to leave Jared alone in that dark place.  Pulling Jared to him, he wrapped a strong arm around his waist and fitted them together.  “She’s going to be okay.”

Jared met his eyes with a puzzled look.

Words confident and certain, Jensen continued.  “She is.  She has to be.  You have to think like that because…well…because she’s right here telling us she is okay and strong.  Right?”  Jensen felt the baby shift lower.  Instead of wincing as he usually did, he smiled and helped Jared’s hand trace the movement.  “See?”

Staying silent for a moment, Jared’s hands eagerly outlined the baby’s path.  Then he nodded, pushing back his tears and letting out a sigh.  “Yeah, okay.  He’s going to be fine.”  Jared let his head fall onto Jensen’s shoulder while he savored their connection in a comfortable silence.

It took a while, but they both fell asleep like that.  Jared was practically curled around Jensen but Jensen kept a protective hold on his husband.  Even though it should have been hot, even though Jensen should have been uncomfortable, it was the best part of the night’s sleep.

***********************

Despite how out of character the thought seemed, Jensen could have hugged Ali when he walked into the room where he was scheduled to have his high-risk ultrasound.

He hadn’t expected the woman to be there, but there she was, giving the unfamiliar room a certain element of comfort.

Though Jensen was out of his mind with worry and the new doctor’s office seemed like starting all over from the beginning in terms of his nerves, discomfort and vulnerability, Ali offered a sliver of something he could secure himself too.  Though small, she offered him a boost of confidence.

He didn’t hug her, though he thought maybe Jared did.  He wasn’t sure.  He was so taken aback by the room and trying not to throw up that he lost focus on them for a minute in an attempt to ground himself.

“Here.  I got this ready for you.”  Ali shoved a small garbage pail his way.

“Very funny.”  Jensen snorted but took the pail because maybe it wasn’t much of a joke. 

Crossing her arms over her chest and leaning her hip against the opposite wall, Ali gave a soft smile.  “How are you doing?”

“Given the circumstances?  Shitty?”  Jensen scratched at the back of his neck.  “Not that I don’t appreciate it, but what are you doing here?”

“You expect me to leave Dr. Sampson alone with two of my most interesting patients?  I don’t think so.  Besides, who would warn him about your tendency to throw up?”  Ali laughed but there was nervousness behind it.  Jensen knew she was trying to break the tension but he got the feeling that she had almost as much invested in the outcome of the appointment as he did.

Biting his lip, Jared nodded in her direction.  “Well, thank you.  You’ve been with us all the way so far so I appreciate you being here.  You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes I did.”  Ali nodded back in acceptance of the gratitude.  “Dr. Sampson is a _great_ doctor but I want to see what is going on for myself.  I told you it is my job to make sure you two get a healthy baby.  I don’t take my job lightly.”

The conversation came screeching halt when a doctor in his mid-forties entered the room.

Jensen was two steps away from actually throwing up but he held it together enough to make introductions, discuss what they were looking for on the ultrasound scan and hop up on the exam table.

Things became a blur and before he knew it he had gel smeared on his stomach and Dr. Sampson was pressing the transducer to his middle.

They looked for the normal baby bits and measured the bones, kidneys, and brain.  Everything looked perfect.  Finally, he focused on the heart.

Ali dropped her professionalism and trying not to butt into Dr. Sampson’s appointment by cursing under her breath.

Jared immediately swung his attention from Jensen to Ali, his voice laden with concern.  “What?”

“There.”  Dr. Sampson pointed to a spot on the screen.  “What Dr. Carlson’s reacting to is that spot on the heart right there.”

A wrinkle of worry appeared across Ali’s forehead.  “I had hoped it was just a problem with the original scan, but it’s right there.”

Jensen knew Jared’s heart dropped out at the same moment.  His vision was glued to the ultrasound monitor.  The baby looked so peaceful it was hard to imagine anything was wrong with her.  He could see her little heart pounding but he wasn’t sure if the quick rate was a good thing.  “So what does that mean?”

In contrast to Jensen’s concern, Dr. Sampson sounded completely level headed and calm, almost reassuring without using words to do so.  “A lot of things.  Let me finish up so as to make sure there isn’t anything else to worry about and we’ll talk about it.  Do you know the gender?”

“No.” Jensen shook his head.

“Then you two should look away for a moment.”

Jensen used the time to stare at Jared.  They didn’t need to talk to understand that they were both sitting on the edge of something.  “Hey babe.”  His voice was barely above a whisper but the words hit Jared’s ears.

“Hey.”  Jared slowly moved his hand so that his finger could lace with Jensen’s.

“Okay, you two can look again.”  Dr. Sampson smiled at Jensen.  “So, let me tell you what I’m looking for because I don’t want you to be alarmed if I’m taking a long time.  I want to be diligent but I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

“Really?”  Jensen was aware his voice probably came off as overly relieved or excited but he didn’t care.

“I think so.”  The doctor rolled the transducer so that he got a clear picture of the baby’s profile.  “My professional opinion is that the spot on the heart isn’t something you will have to monitor once the baby is born.  It looks like something that should heal as she gets closer to birth; it’s not a defect or anything.  It is, however, a soft marker for a chromosome disorder like Down’s Syndrome.”

Jared made a noise in the back of his throat and gave Dr. Sampson a concerned look.  “But…”

Holding up a palm to cut Jared off before he worked himself up too much, Dr. Sampson continued.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to speculate.  The odds look good for you two.  I’ve been looking around for other markers but the baby isn’t displaying any of them.  See the nose?  Right there?”  He pointed to the screen so that Jensen could follow his instructions.

“Yeah.”

“The nasal bone looks good.  And the limbs are measuring perfectly.  Everything looks good.  Bladder, thickness of the skin behind the neck, heart, kidneys, they are all good.”  Dr. Saunders flipped a switch so that the baby’s heartbeat filled the room.  “Sounds good too.”

“Thank god.”  Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand as he let out a deep breath.

Jensen didn’t have the courage to speak yet.  The baby didn’t have any other markers of Down’s Syndrome but she had one.  Still, her heartbeat sounded strong and it flooded the room.  “So..the spot on the heart means…?”

“We’re not sure.  It could be nothing, like I said.  Dr. Carlson here is more than capable of monitoring the spot in your future appointments.  We want to see it shrink.  If it doesn’t, then we’ll worry about it.  Right now, keep doing what you’re doing.  The baby looks great.  The spot…well, the spot puts the chances for something like Down’s Syndrome up to 1 in 210.  It’s great odds, considering.”  Dr. Sampson turned off the machine and handed Jensen a paper towel so that he could wipe off his stomach.

Ali put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder.  “Jensen, those are good odds.” 

“They are?”  Jensen looked up at his doctor.

“Yeah.  If you need a 100% answer, we can do an amniocentesis, where we draw some amniotic fluid, but that comes with its own risk of miscarriage.  So, you two have to ask yourself how much the answer matters for you.”

“It doesn’t.”  Licking his lips, Jared looked at both doctors before fixing his gaze on Jensen.  “It doesn’t matter to me.  I love that baby.  I don’t want to risk losing him, Down’s or not.”

Jensen could only blink at Jared’s unwavering declaration of love and commitment to their baby.  “Yeah, what he said.”  Jared was right, it didn’t matter.  Over the past months, Jensen had become attached to their child.  He _hated_ being pregnant.  He _hated_ being sick.  He _hated_ having everyone touching his growing belly.  He didn’t, however, hate any part of the little being growing inside him.  It had never been a conversation between him and Jared but they had worked too hard to have this baby for him to ever consider terminating it.  The relief in both of their eyes was almost palpable as they stared at each other.  Jensen was fine.  He wasn’t going to cry.  Then the baby kicked and knocked that notion right out of him.  He was probably going to cry but so was Jared.

Ali nudged Dr. Sampson in the shoulder.  “Come on, we can debrief in your office.”  She made a gesture over her shoulder with a nod of her head.  “Let’s give them some privacy so we don’t intrude on their moment.”

Ali was right.  Jensen knew they were going to have a moment.  A very long moment.  And then he and Jared we going to go out to dinner and celebrate themselves because, quite frankly, Jared was worth celebrating.  Jensen was pretty sure Jared was the most fantastic man on the planet and Jared was giving him a mirrored look that let on to the fact he felt the same way about Jensen.


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: past mpreg!Jared, past miscarriage, angst, H/C, versatile!J2, abuse of human biology, mpreg!Jensen, cursing, a little schmoop, top!Jensen, bottom!Jared, porn  
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/8598047604/)  
> AMAZING banner by [Bt_kady](http://bt-kady.livejournal.com/)! I <3 her so much and you should too.  
> Beta: [yohkobennington](http://yohkobennington.livejournal.com/) br />

Jensen ran a hand over his face and snorted, completely abandoning the conversation he was just having with Doug and going off on his own thoughts.  “I feel like an idiot.”

“Why?”  Doug shrugged and scanned Rookies for the source of Jensen’s admittance.  The bar was filled with a lighter smattering of patrons, the normal lunch crowd filtering in and several satellite groups of men taking up space near one of the several televisions.

“Seriously?”  Jensen made an exaggerated show of running his eyes across Rookies’ customers.  “I’m the only pregnant person in here.  You know what?  That’s not even the point.  I’m _pregnant_ and at a bar.”

Unfazed, Doug lowered an eyebrow at his friend.  “So?  You’re eating lunch with a friend at _our_ bar.  Jen, we always come here.”

“Yeah, well, that was before this happened.”  Jensen pointed to his rounded middle, clearly on display and barely contained by his gray t-shirt.  It was one of the shirts Jared had bought him after he insisted he didn’t need new clothing; only, he did and thankfully the shirt fit perfectly but it was made to stretch across his growing bump.  So while it was comfortable, it also made him look very, very, _very_ pregnant.  “People keep staring at me.”

“What?”  Doug scoffed and sat back on his barstool.  “Really?”  When Jensen glared at him, he shook his head and laughed.  “No one is staring at you.  No one even cares.  Seriously Jensen, it isn’t that scandalous that a pregnant person would pop into Rookies at two in the afternoon for lunch.  They have good burgers, everyone knows that.  I think you are making a much bigger deal out of this than you need to.”

Wrinkling up his nose, Jensen took his annoyance out on his burger by taking a violent bite, glaring at Doug the whole time.

Immune to Jensen’s bad mood, Doug shoved a french-fry in his mouth and spoke while chewing.  “You do know that you’re not actually the first pregnant person to walk the earth.”

“Yeah, I know.  But I feel like I practically am.  Everyone in my life is keeping me under a microscope like they are waiting to see what I am going to do next.  I hate being pregnant but I love this kid so it isn’t like I am going to do something outrageous.”  Jensen ran a palm over his middle and pursed his lips when the baby made an uncomfortable movement.

“Of course you wouldn’t.  Everyone knows you would do anything for your family,” Doug pointed to Jensen’s stomach, “including that little rug-rat.”  Washing down his mouthful of food with his beer, Doug turned to face Jensen.  “How is everything going with the heart situation?”

“Good, I think.  I got another appointment in a week.  There isn’t much more either Jared or I can do about it than hope it starts to clear up on its own.  Ali, you know, Dr. Carlson, said that it looks like the spot is shrinking but it is still there.  Other than that, she looks good.”

“Glad to hear.”

Nodding, Jensen went to take another bite of his burger when the baby practically bounced on his bladder.  “Shit, I’ve got to pee again.”

“You just went like,” Doug glanced at his watch, “an hour ago.”

“Yeah, well, now I am going to go again.”  Rolling his eyes, Jensen made his way off his stool.

Doug looked on in amusement.  “I remember Scott bitching about that, but an hour is a record this early on.”

“Yeah, well, drinking lots of water doesn’t help.  Plus, this kid likes to move like she has something to prove.”

“She…he…whatever that kid is, kinda does.  I mean, you’ve had enough scares.  Maybe it is just a reminder that everything is okay.”

“Well, then I got the memo.  She can stop dancing on my bladder.”  Smoothing out his shirt, Jensen ran a hand under his middle.  He couldn’t help but smile at Doug’s words.  Over the past several weeks Jensen had committed himself to the fact that there was no other option than for his child to be perfect, no matter what issues she was born with.  As much as some of the baby’s kicks were uncomfortable or at inopportune moments, just as many of them were reassuring and amazing.

“Has Jared felt it move?” Doug’s eyes focused on Jensen’s stomach.

“Yeah.  And now he won’t stop.”

“Well, that’s good for him.  Right?  I mean, he’s okay with it?”

“He’s thrilled about it.  Sometimes though, I think he goes somewhere, to some dark place in the back of his mind, when it’s late at night and he touches my stomach.  He doesn’t say anything about it but we both know what he’s thinking about.”  Jensen sighed. 

“That he never got to feel what you feel?”

Jensen shrugged.  “That and the fact that this baby is _so alive_ and the others are…well…dead.”  Saying the words out loud sounded too dark.  It felt like a heavy burden pretending that he wasn’t as affected by that fact as Jared was.  Having carried this baby inside of him, Jensen couldn’t imagine how it would feel to lose her, even at the very start.  In contrast, she was so active and _there_ , making it hard not to realize how empty Jared’s womb was after too many forced evacuations.

“Shit, Jen, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to bring this shit up.  I promised you we could have a baby free lunch to give you a break and here I am just digging up old wounds.”  Doug looked defeated, shoulders dropping as he let out a deep breath.

“No, it’s okay.  I started it.  Besides, other than Jared I don’t really have anyone else to talk to it about.   I guess you get that job.  So, it’s okay.”

“No.  It’s not.  It’s not okay.  What happened to you and Jared sucks.  It wasn’t fair and I know no one can make it right, but it’s not okay.”  Pausing to find the right words, Doug started with a sincere tone.  “It makes me mad sometimes, and Scott and I worry about you guys.  I know you two have it under control, but…Jensen, you’re my best friend.  If you need to talk about it, you can.  I won’t tease you or call you a girl or anything.  I mean…I know we don’t usually do this sappy touchy feely shit, but yeah….”  Doug tailed off and suddenly fixated on his cuticles and scraping at them with his other hand.

The baby kicked at Jensen again and he knew he really needed to get going on his bathroom plans but silently willed the baby to let up for a moment so he could stick around long enough to make sure he didn’t leave her uncle Doug hanging high and dry.  Surprisingly, the baby went still and Jensen gave his stomach a gentle rub.  He regarded his friend again and knew he didn’t need to hear Doug’s prior words to already know how true they were.  After years of friendship, Doug was like a brother.  They knew they cared about each other because they ragged on each other and teased each other mercilessly, but they were also able to be serious when the situation called for it.  “You are there for me…in your own way, which is exactly what I need.  It doesn’t need to be a heart to heart, but I know you’ve got my back.”

Pulling out of staring at his hands, Doug smiled.  “Damn straight I do!”  He slapped a hand across Jensen’s back.  He watched Jensen shift his weight and let out an “oouf.”  “The baby moving that much?”

“Yeah.  I feel like she’s gotta have enough room in there because I’m practically gigantic.”  Jensen knew he was exaggerating, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel that way.

“You’re not that big.”

“Says you.  You walk around with this,” Jensen gestured to his stomach, “and tell me how you feel.”

Putting his hands up in defeat, Doug shook his head.  “Okay, you win.”  He stared at his friend’s stomach while Jensen steadied himself and stretched.

Catching Doug’s stare, Jensen raised his eyebrows at the other man.  “What?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re staring.  You don’t want to feel, _do you_?”  The thought had never actually occurred to Jensen since he and Doug had never shared more than a hug, a slap on the back, or an arm around the shoulder.

“Hell, no.  I love you man, but that’s Jared’s territory.”

“Okay, yeah…shit, this kid either hates Rookies burgers or loves them.  I can’t tell.”

“Really?”  Without hesitation, Doug reached out a hand with lightening fast reflexes and landed it on the other man’s middle, sending Jensen’s brain spinning as to how it even got there in the first place.  “Woah.”

Jensen let his smile hitch up on one side.  “Yeah.”  He let Doug keep his hand there and knew when his friend felt more movement by his surprised intake of air.  “You’re such a sap, you know that?  I knew you wanted to touch.  That’s fine and all but I swear, if you talk to my stomach, I _will_ kill you.”  Laughing, Jensen arched back while Doug reveled in the movement inside his belly.  “And if you don’t move in the next few seconds, I will probably pee all over you.”

“Ugh, gross Jen.  Seriously.  Your kid and I were having a moment.”  Pulling back, Doug made a sound of disgust in the back of his throat.

“Moment over.  Be right back.”  Jensen made his way to the restroom and took care of business, thankfully feeling relieved enough to finish the rest of his burger which he had been craving all day.  Even though he told Jared he _wanted_ a hamburger, he had to call a spade a spade.  He’d been looking forward to lunch with Doug for more than just his friend’s conversation skills.  When he returned to his spot at the bar, Doug was pointing to Jensen’s cell phone which he left beside his plate.

“That vibrated while you were gone.”

“Oh.  Thanks.”  Grabbing his phone, Jensen flipped through the alerts and saw that he had a new text message from Jared.  “Shit…”  Rubbing at his temples, he let the phone fall back to the wood bar top.

“What?  Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.  I just forgot that Jared and I have this Lamaze thing later tonight.  Well…I didn’t so much as forget as I tried to put it out of my mind enough that I hoped it wouldn’t happen.”

“Seriously?  Lamaze?  You?  Jared got you to do that?”  The surprise in Doug was apparent in both his body and verbal language.

With monotonous even words, Jensen replied, “yeah.  Me.  Can’t wait.  Woo hoo.”

“Oh…that should be… _fun_.  Good luck with that.  I almost threw up during a c-section video, which is interesting in considering Scott ended up having one.”

“Oh god…”  Jensen closed his eyes.  “Please don’t talk about throwing up.  I’m finally not doing that so I really don’t need to think about it.”  Putting both palms face down on the bar, Jensen took a deep breath.  “I’m going to hate this, aren’t I?”

Shrugging, Doug made a noise of uncertainty.  “I dunno.  It’s helpful.  I mean, I guess it could have helped Scott and I but it ended up being a moot point since Emmy was born early ala emergency c-section.  We watched a bunch of videos, discussed _in detail_ what would happen during different types of births and learned several relaxation and breathing techniques.  Oh, and we spent time on pushing and effective ways Scott could push.  It probably would have helped if Scott actually got a chance to push.  So yeah, there is that.”

Jensen shuddered.  He knew he would have to push… _eventually_ …but he was pretty sure he didn’t want someone telling him how to do it.  It was bad enough he was going to have people there watching him do it.  “Doug.”

“Yeah?”

“Stop talking.”

Laughing, Doug kicked back the rest of his beer.  “Who am I kidding, helpful or not, you are going to hate it.”

Knocking his head against the cool wood on the bar, Jensen growled.  “I could really use a drink.”

“Aww, Jenny…sorry, but no can do.  In a few months I will buy you as many beers as you want.  Right now, you’re stuck with your Sprite.”

“Kill me.”  Jensen groaned.

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“Oh yeah, ‘cause this is fucking fun.”  Jensen sat up, shivering slightly at the thought that things were only going to get harder.

*************

To put it simply, Jensen was having a panic attack.  Although, in truth, it was more complicated than that.

Of course it was complicated.

Everything in Jensen’s life seemed to require a little extra effort.  He’d never complained about it, it’s just how his life was and he liked his life just fine.

But standing outside Jared’s car finding it hard to breathe wasn’t his idea of a good time.

“Jensen, relax.”  Jared ran a hand over Jensen back as his husbanded shuddered.

“Relax?  How?  Oh god…that…I…”  Jensen stumbled as a wave of dizziness hit him.  Not breathing correctly was doing him no good and his world wobbled as he tried to find some focal point.

“Okay.  You’re okay.”  Jared got a firmer grip around Jensen’s waist and led him to a nearby bench.  Helping his husband down into a wide legged sit, he refused to break the contact between their bodies.  “Shh, I’ve got you.”

“Jay…I…”  Breath hitching, Jensen’s eyes flutter abnormally.  His elbows hit his knees but he couldn’t focus enough to support his weight and he slipped forward.  Jared guided him through the movement, helping him curl over his pregnant belly and let his head hang down.

“That’s it Jen, just keep breathing.”  Jared practically draped himself over Jensen’s back, providing a physical connection but making sure to keep his weight off his husband.

“I…”

“Shh, breathe now.  Talk later.”  Pressing a kiss to Jensen’s temple, Jared fell into a calming breathing ritual, breathing loudly enough that Jensen could hear him and hopefully follow suit.

Jensen did.  It was hard not to with Jared’s mouth so close to his ear.  Their baby was amped up by Jensen’s panic attack and moved rapidly inside its father’s middle.  Groaning, Jensen put two firm palms to his stomach and tried to pull himself together.  With each breath, he felt more like himself.  He let out a crazy laugh when he realized that breathing was what had set him off in the first place.

Closing his eyes, Jensen felt like an idiot.

He hadn’t been thrilled about going to their first Lamaze class tonight but he didn’t think it would have affected him so strongly.

He didn’t think he would have made such a scene tonight, though he was sure he wasn’t the first parent to walk out of a class.

It had started out innocently enough.  Doug had been right, the birth videos were less than fun, but Jared had wrangled Jensen into watching a few of those years ago.  Those in themselves were not what induced Jensen’s panic attack, but they hadn’t helped.

It was uncomfortable enough talking about being pregnant and the intimate natures of birth with Ali, doing it in a room full of strangers was a terrible idea.  It made him feel more out of sorts, more vulnerable, and that lost sense of self had already set him up for an easily found panic attack.

What Jared probably didn’t realize was that Jensen had banked his whole life on filling the role Jared was currently filling.  In his head, he pictured himself eventually landing in a Lamaze class but in a supporting role rather than the main event.  In the same way that Jared felt like he was missing out on being part of this pregnancy, Jensen felt like he was missing out on a time in his life where he was supposed to be Jared’s support system rather than the one in need of support.

Seeing other couples, seeing the roles they played, made all of that clear for Jensen.  He wanted to coach Jared through a labor, not the other way around.  Jensen wasn’t always skilled at accepting help, making his new role an uncomfortable fit.

Admittedly, Jensen knew he was going into the class with the wrong attitude.  No one saw him as weak; in fact, Jared insisted it was just the opposite.  Yet, that was exactly how Jensen felt sitting on a stupid mat, in a ridiculous room, with some stranger instructing him how to breathe so that he sounded like an idiot.

Jensen lost it.  His mind ran wild.  He couldn’t put his finger on exactly why but Jensen knew he had to get out of the room.  The feeling bubbled over and he felt like his skin was too tight to breathe.  Nausea and a wave of heat hit him at the same time, making it hard for him to remember when he shoved Jared off and hurried towards the door.

He wasn’t aware of it at the time but Jensen knew everyone must have stared at him.  He hadn’t exactly left the room gracefully or inconspicuously.  By the time Jared came racing after him, Jensen’s vision was burring and he was in full blown panic attack mode.

Letting out a pained noise of embarrassment, Jensen pulled upright, making sure he moved slowly enough so that Jared gently rose off of him and they both sat side by side, backs resting against the bench.

Jared shot his husband a concerned glance.  “You okay?  Baby okay?”

Taking Jared’s hand, Jensen pressed it reassuringly to the side of his middle.  “The kid’s fine.  Me?  Not so much…”

“I can see that.  Want to talk about it?”  Jared took up his habitual space and tucked himself under Jensen’s arm.

“Not particularly.”  Jensen had just come down from freaking out about the situation; he didn’t think talking about it was the best idea.  Jared, however, was looking at him with such concern and understanding that he felt he owed it to his husband to give him some type of response.  Jared’s almond shaped eyes were heavy with the evidence of their commitment to each other and it made Jensen’s heart skip a beat.  “Fuck, Jay…I had to get out of there.  It was too much.  I don’t think I’m ready for the contractions and pushing part,” he visually cringed, “just yet.”

“Jen...”

“No.  I’m not Jared.  I know what I signed up for but…you have to understand that I never felt comfortable with having a dick inside of me…much less a baby coming out of me.  It just hit me way too hard.”

Jared sighed and ran a hand across Jensen’s back.  “I know, but it is going to happen. You do know that, right?”

“Yeah.  I know.  But…Pushing?  Pushing a kid out of _there?_   And breathing like an idiot while doing it?  Jared, that makes me feel like…”

“Like what?”

“Like less of a man.”  As soon as the words left Jensen’s mouth, he realized he essentially put his foot in his mouth.  He watched Jared recoil, pull back with a shocked, hurt look on his face.

“Having our baby makes you less of a man?”

“Jare…”

“No.  Answer me.  Does it?  Does having our baby make you feel like less of a man?”  Jared was angry.  It rolled off him in waves and hit Jensen square in the heart.  His words, despite his attempt to sound collected, were tinged with hurt.

Jensen knew he had been making things hard for Jared, since everything he felt seemed to be a double standard.  When Jared had suffered through his miscarriages, Jensen knew his husband was the strongest man in the world.  Never once did Jensen consider Jared’s attempts to carry their children to be anything other than an amazing testament to his strength.  Why Jensen couldn’t apply those same rules to himself was beyond him.  “Jared…I…”

“No!  Answer me.”

“Yes!  Yes, Jare!  That’s how I feel.  Okay?   And I can’t change it.  And I know it makes no sense.  But that’s how I feel!”  Jensen threw his hands up and let out a frustrated snort.  “Okay?  Is that what you want to hear?  That I feel like less of a man?  Like less of myself?”

Jared’s eyes darted from left to right, seemingly at a loss as to what to focus on.  “Shit, Jensen.  How could you think that is what I _want_ to hear?  I don’t want to hear that.  It breaks my heart to know you feel that way.  It also makes me feel like…if you are less of a man…then,” Jared’s breath hitched, “what am I?”

“Huh?”

“What am I?  You expected me to carry our children.  Why?  Because I am less of a man?  Because I’m not as strong as you?”  Jared put a hand over his face a let out a shaky breath.

“What?”  Jensen’s head spun.  “No!  Not at all!  It was the opposite, Jay.  I never thought that.  I just…”  Jensen felt his panic attack building back up.  “Maybe it’s me putting too much pressure on myself.  Maybe it is because I don’t have enough confidence in myself like you do.  You don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks about you but I do.  Maybe I’m not strong like you.  I’m not strong enough to not care.  Okay?  Maybe I feel like less of a man because I don’t have the strength to deal with the fact that I can’t support you right now.  I can’t…I…can’t…”  Jensen’s breath hitched.  What he originally thought of as his panic attack rearing its head again turned out to be the edge of crying.

Looking conflicted, Jared stared at his husband.  The hurt and anger were still there but they were turning out to be emotionally charged outbursts rather than deep-seated thoughts.

They stared at each other for a moment, Jensen trying to find words but unable to keep himself from crying.  It made him feel weaker and in turn more frustrated with himself.  “God, I don’t even know which way is up anymore.  I just want to feel like _me_ again.”

Jared sucked in his lip.  “Shit, I’m an asshole.”

“No you’re not.”  Jensen wiped away a tear and shook his head at Jared.  If Jared was anything, an asshole was nowhere near the list of attributes he would give his husband.

“Yes, I am.  I shouldn’t have made this about me.  And I knew you were having a hard time with this.  I know your comment wasn’t directed at him.  It’s just…Jen,” he placed both his hands on Jensen’s middle, “ _this_ is strong.  The fact that you are putting yourself so far out of your comfort zone and still haven’t lost it?  That is strong.  You’re amazing Jensen and I wish you knew how much I believe that.”

“Yeah?”  Sucking in a breath, Jensen put his hands on top of Jared’s.

“Mmm hmm.”  Nodding, Jared laced their fingers together.

Letting out a snort, Jensen shook his head.  “Look at us.  We’re a mess Jared.  We’ve mostly got it together but I feel like we keep having this conversation.”

“It’s okay.  We can have this conversation every day if we need to.”

Leaning forward, Jensen kissed Jared softly on the lips.  “You’re perfect.”

“You are too so learn to give yourself a little credit every now and then.  And for the record, I had no idea what I was doing in that Lamaze class either.  I don’t feel like a very solid support system…I kinda need you for reassurance every now and then, which I suppose will be a problem if I’m going to coach you through labor.  So, Jen, you’re not the only one learning new tricks here.”

“I’m not comfortable in that setting.  I never will be.  You know me Jared.  You know how I work.  And _that_?  _That_ isn’t it.  I’m sorry, I tried.  I did.  I just…”

Jared pressed a finger to Jensen’s lips.  “I know you did.  And I love you for that.  But you’re right.  It’s who you are.  I guess it was a long shot.  I dunno…I just thought maybe it was something we could do together…you know?  Something we can do to prepare…together?”

Jensen had no idea what Jared was talking about.  He nudged his husband with his shoulder.  “We do a lot together.  We make all decisions regarding this baby together.”

“I don’t mean doctors’ appointments.  I just mean…other things.  I feel like an outsider Jen.  It’s not your fault.  It’s just the nature of the situation.  And I thought…well, guess I thought wrong.”

“I kinda had a feeling you felt that way,” Jensen admitted.  “I told Doug a while back that I thought you felt like you were missing out on something.”  He cupped Jared’s cheek.  “I don’t want you to feel like that.”

“Of course you don’t.  I know that.  I know you and I are a team.  We’re in this together.  But since most of it is going on inside of you right now, I guess I’ll have to wait it out.”  Jared kept one palm on Jensen’s stomach and shifted closer.  The second he settled himself, the baby let out a swift kick and drew both of its parents’ attention.  “Woah, that was a big one.”

“Yeah.”  Pulling Jared alongside his body, Jensen fell into the calm of the moment.  “She’s been quiet for a little while.”

“Well, he’s not being quiet now.”  Jared tiptoed his fingers under Jensen’s shirt in search of skin on skin contact.  “Hey little man, what are you doing in there?  You happy the focus of attention is back on you?”

“She likes when I am not so upset that she isn’t getting any air,” Jensen snorted.

“Maybe he just wants you to stop calling him a girl.”  Jared smiled and moved his palm against Jensen’s warm belly.  The baby rolled, the movement easily detected by Jared’s palm.

“See that?  Maybe she wants _you_ to stop calling _her_ a boy.”

“You still think the baby is a girl?”  Running a hand through his hair, Jared studied his husband’s belly.

“Honestly?  I don’t know.  I just feel a connection to our baby, not a gender.  But ‘her’ flows off my tongue easily.   You know, like how my car is a ‘she’ or how people refer to their boats as ‘she’ or some other female pronoun.”

Eyes widening, Jared look at Jensen like he was crazy.  “You did _not_ just compare our child to a car.”

“Oh my god, I did.”  Jensen’s eyes widened to match Jared’s.  “What the hell is wrong with me?  That totally didn’t sound right.  I’m sorry kid.”

“So…first you insist on calling our baby an alien, now he is a car?”  Jared let out a laugh, the sound ringing through the parking lot as the corner of his eyes curled up in a smile.  “Wow, Jen.”

“Shut up.”  Crossing both arms over his chest, Jensen tried to scowl but he ended up laughing along with Jared.  “You know, I was thinking, we still have a few months before she –“

“He.”

“ – Or he comes.  But maybe we can start thinking of names, you know?  That is something we can do together.  I know we had some picked out before but those were for… _before_ …and I thought we could come up with something new together.”  Jensen turned to gently touch his forehead to Jared’s and lock eyes with him.

“I’d like that.”

“Me too.”  Tilting his head, he presses a soft kiss to Jared’s lips.  “Since you’re convinced the kid’s a boy, you should pick out a boy’s first name.  I’ll pick out a girl’s name and we can work on middle names together.”

Jared nodded, closing his eyes and letting his lips linger on his husbands.

Jensen wasn’t sure what had just happened in the last twenty minutes.  The easy answer was “a lot of things.”  But at least he knew two things for certain: he and Jared were still on the same page and he was never, ever, setting foot in that Lamaze class again.

*************

Jensen was running when his mind came around to a thought that had been building since his panic attack outside of the Lamaze class.

Since running was still on the list of approved activities, Jensen had no plans of giving it up.  He was tired and his ankles hurt but running was the one thing that helped him clear his mind.  There were ways to push past little discomforts, namely the fact that he had broken into more of a jog than a run but he was calling it running and no one should argue otherwise.

Daisy didn’t seem to mind.  She ran alongside him, more focused on Jensen than the road ahead.  As of late she had grown increasingly protective over him to the point where he couldn’t deny that Daisy was protective of his bump.

Originally, Jensen felt bad that he had to cut back their morning runs based on the fact that he felt too uncomfortable for their longer trail runs and didn’t trust his footing enough when going through uneven terrain.  For now, they stuck to pavement.  Plus, Jensen’s need to make more frequent bathroom stops kept them closer to home.  Their route became repetitive and predictable but Daisy seemed just as happy to be out with him.

He picked up his pace on an uphill part of their route and drifted back to his thoughts.

Though the baby wasn’t due for another ten weeks, Jensen was freaking out.  Ten weeks wasn’t a very long time.

He had ten weeks to figure out how to deal with getting this kid out of him.

His heart rate sped up and it wasn’t because of running.

He was scared and he needed help.

Daisy yipped at him and cut of his path, almost herding him towards their street.  Caught in his daze, Jensen followed the dog’s lead, grateful to be headed home because there were far too many things on his mind for running to cure.

He entered his house as quietly as possible.  Jared, as per usual, was still asleep.  Jensen had received a disgruntled whine from him when he slipped out of bed for his morning run.  Though it was still early, Jensen always felt better starting his day off while using as much of the morning as possible.  Pregnant or not, Jensen couldn’t lie in bed and stare at the ceiling.

Unclipping Daisy’s leash, the dog set off in search of her water bowl while Jensen beelined for the phone.  Punching in a number he’d committed to memory months ago, he placed a call to Ali’s office.  It was early and it was a long shot, but Jensen needed to talk to _someone_ and he sure as hell wasn’t going to enroll in another Lamaze class.

A startled sounding Ali picked up the call and tripped over her words.  “Good morning, Dr. Carlson’s office.”

Jensen could make out the rushed, flustered sound to her voice.  “Ali?”

“Jensen?”

“Yeah, I…I’m sorry to call so early.”  Scratching at the back of his head, Jensen sounded sheepish.

“No, it’s okay.  I was just on my way into the office when you called.  I wanted to get here early.  Ouch!”

“What?”

“Sorry, stubbed my toe.  Hold on a second.”  The phone went silent for a moment before Ali came back on the line.  “Okay.  Sorry.  I had my hands full and the lights were off.  No one is in this early so…you know how it goes.”  Coming back to her senses, Ali’s voice became quick with concern.  “What’s going on?  Are you okay?  Is the baby doing okay?  You sound out of breath.”

“Yeah.  Oh, yeah, Ali, I’m sorry.  You must have thought…it’s so early and…yeah, I’m fine.  The baby is fine.  I’m sorry for worrying you.  I just came back from a run.” 

“Oh.  Okay.  Good.”  Ali’s voice went back to a more even pace.  “So why the early wakeup call?”

“I..umm…Remember when I said I could come and talk to you about anything?”

“How could I forget?  I practically threatened you.  So I’m guessing this is one of those times?”

“Yeah.  It is one of those times.”

“Okay.  So…that’s good.  I’m glad you called.  What’s going on?”

Jensen bit his lip.  “Baby stuff…well, more accurately, pregnant stuff.  Can I come in and talk to you?  Today maybe?  I don’t mean to be an inconvenience but I’m going crazy over here and…”

“Woah, woah, woah, Jensen.  It’s fine.  Don’t worry.  It’s not an inconvenience.  But I’m swamped today.  Do you think you can stop by around one?  I’m taking a lunch break then and we can talk in my office if that’s okay with you.”

“One.  Perfect.”  Letting out a sigh of relief, Jensen felt some of the tension leave his body.

“Good.  I’ll see you then.”

“Okay, yeah.  See you.”  Jensen was about pull to phone from his ear but pressed it closer with both hands instead.  “Ali?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”  Ali genuine concern came across just as strongly over the phone as it did in person.  “I’ll see you later.”

“Later.”  Nodding, Jensen pulled the phone away and disconnected the call.

It was eight o’clock and Jensen didn’t know what to do with himself other than stare at the phone. 

Eventually, he got himself moving and went through the motions of his day, landing himself in Ali’s practice.  A receptionist showed Jensen to Ali’s office, knocking briskly on the door.

Words garbled by what sounded like a mouthful of food, Ali beckoned them in.

Opening the door, Jensen was faced with his doctor sitting behind her desk.  An unwrapped deli sandwich was spread out in front of her, a bite mark missing from one of the halves.  “Jensen!  Hey.”

“Hi.” 

Cutting through the tension immediate, Ali winked at her patient.  “I’m starting to think you have a crush on me Mr. Ackles.  We seem to meet here every few weeks.”

“I do believe that I am following doctor’s orders.”  Jensen stepped into the room.  “So who exactly is crushing on who?”

“Point.”  Ali laughed and gestured to the chair set opposite her.  “Take a seat.”  She watched Jensen take a seat.  “The bump looks good.”

“Yeah, well…I’m trying.”  Jensen smoothed down the front of his shirt, fidgeting under her glare.

“Do you mind if I eat?”  Ali picked up half of her sandwich.

“Well it’d be a pretty shitty lunch break if you don’t actually eat your lunch.  Of course I don’t mind.”  Jensen cocked his head to the side and studied Ali’s lunch.  “Is that chicken?”

“Yeah.”  Taking a bite, Ali smiled at Jensen.  “You want the other half?”  She slid the sandwich’s other half across the desk.

Jensen’s stomach did but there was no way he was going to take a free lunch from his doctor.  “No, thanks.  I’m okay.”

“Seriously.  Eat it.  I never eat the whole thing.  I just take it home and forget about it in the ‘fridge and it goes to waste.  Eat it.  Come on,” Ali’s voice took on a sing-song quality, “you know you wanna.”

“If you insist?”  Jensen tentatively reached for the sandwich but his hand hung in question.

“I do.”

“Okay.  Thanks.”  Smiling, Jensen held up the sandwich in thanks and took a bite.  The sandwich was good and he hadn’t known how much he’d wanted a chicken sandwich until he was swallowing this one down.  The food helped keep his mind from panicking but the thoughts had been building in his mind and they all tumbled out of his mouth.  “I walked out of a Lamaze class.”

Eyebrows raised, Ali ‘s interest was piqued.  “Well, you’re not the first one.”

“No, I mean…I had a panic attack and practically flew out of the room.  It was a bit of a shit show.”

“Is that why we are sitting here?”

“Yeah.  I think.”  Jensen cupped the back of his neck and shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I thought maybe talking to you could help.”

“Help with _what_ exactly?”

“You were honest with me.  You told me there were a lot of not so pretty parts to pregnancy.  And you told me you hated being pregnant as well.  So I thought…maybe you could help me get over what freaked me out so much during the Lamaze class.”

“And that part was?”

“Giving birth.”

“Oh.”  Ali put her lunch down.  “That.”

Following suit, Jensen rested his sandwich on its wrapper.  “Yeah.  That.”

“That part isn’t fun.”  Ali folded her arms over her chest and leaned back in her chair.

“So I’ve heard.  And I had a panic attack just thinking about it.”  Jensen paused and turned a pleading glare towards Ali.  “And I have no one else to talk to about this.  For the last several days I have been working myself up wondering about how I’m going to do that part.  I just…”  Jensen sighed and let his eyes dart across the room.  “I don’t feel comfortable enough around people who can actually help me…except for you.  You’ve told me the truth in the past and I need you to tell me I can do this.”

“Jensen, of course you can do it.  You’re doing great.  Giving birth isn’t fun but I swear to you, every cliché saying you’ve heard about seeing your baby for the first time is absolutely true.  You’ll forget how much you hated being pregnant and how much labor sucked because that baby is worth it all.  You and Jared love your baby and it isn’t even here yet.  I’m pretty sure you would do anything for your little one.”

Though he’s biologically built to deliver his child, the thought of doing so made Jensen tense up.  It’s an alien concept to him but he knew his body could o it.  Emotionally though, he needs some more reassurance.  “That’s why I’m here.  I will do anything for her.”  He put a hand on his stomach.  “I thought maybe you could walk me thought it.  You could teach me everything I need to know, give me a taste of what I’m actually in for.”

“Me?”  Ali’s eyes widened as she pointed to herself.

“Yeah.  I wouldn’t trust anyone else.”

Without missing a beat, Ali nodded.  “Okay.”

It was the response Jensen was hoping for but not the one he thought he would get so quickly.  Considering Ali’s quirky nature, he should have known otherwise.  “Okay?”

“Yeah.  Okay.  I’m flattered.  And who am I to turn away someone who is quickly becoming my favorite patient of all time?”

“Thank you!  Seriously.  I feel like such a caricature of a pregnant person but I can’t help myself.  There is a lot more riding on me doing this than just a healthy baby.”  Jensen was thankful Ali was already clued into what he and Jared had on their plates and hoped she understood.

“Don’t thank me until were through here.  I think I’ll keep several garbage cans on hand just in case your nausea wants to join the party.  You going for a natural birth?”

Blanching, Jensen almost choked on his response.  “Hell no.  I want every drug you can safely pump into me.”

“Okay, so we can start by talking about that.”  Ali looked at her watch and frowned.  “But I think this might take more than a lunch break.  Same time tomorrow?”

Nodding, Jensen gave a small smile.  “I’ll bring the chicken sandwich.”

“It’s a date then.”  Ali smirked and turned her attention back to her sandwich.  “Don’t worry.  Doctor patient confidentiality means I can’t tell people about our date.”

“Don’t worry.  I already told Jared where I am.  So if I don’t return home, he’ll look here first.”

“Party pooper.”  Ali stuck out her tongue.  “Alright then, close the door.  We’ve got thirty minutes and I intend to use every one of them to fill your head with so much knowledge that you could deliver that baby yourself.”

“God, I hope not.”  Reeling back from Ali’s comment, Jensen shot her a glare.

“Relax.  You won’t.  I was kidding.”

Twisting in his chair, Jensen slammed the door shut, committing himself to the situation he would have sworn a year ago he’d never find himself in.

*****************

Standing in front of his house, Jensen realized he had just suffered through the most miserable day of work he’d ever had.

Nothing in particular had happened to make the day so terrible.  His patients were the regular bunch of frustrated individuals.  Some were pleasant; some were in too much pain to treat Jensen like he wasn’t the enemy.  Overall, it was a pretty routine day on the job.

His body, however, felt like it was working against him.  It was the first day where everything hurt.  His muscles were tired and carrying around extra weight started taking a toll on him.  As much as he tried to fight it, tried to not fall into the group of _people_ who complain about _those things_ , Jensen’s ankles were swollen and being on his feet made everything just feel _heavy_.

He was in a terrible mood because of it and he knew if he walked in his front door he was going to take it out on Jared, who really didn’t deserve it but he was there, ten feet away from him on the other side of the door.  He had been snippy at work just because he could, because he got away with it, because no one could do a damn thing about his feet hurting and his belly feeling like a million pounds.  Being angry didn’t solve anything but it made him feel better that everyone knew about it and stayed out of his way.

The rational part of his brain knew better than to step into his house and rip into his husband.  It wouldn’t go over well and it would only end with too much groveling on his part.  Instead, he stood there, staring at the door and _really_ wanting to sit down.

Jared was probably cooking dinner, something Jensen was happy he could finally keep down. 

Jared was probably being an all around amazing husband.  And Jared didn’t deserve nasty remarks.

Taking a deep breath, Jensen let the anger go and focused on the fact that he was married to a massage therapist – a very good massage therapist.  There were times when Jensen wasn’t above begging to get what he wanted.  Usually those times where when he was bone tired from work and everything hurt from bending over patients all day.  He wasn’t too proud to whine until Jared worked his magic on him and kneaded out the tension.  Jared never had any qualms about massaging Jensen, often falling into a massage without being asked as part of their wind down routine, but Jensen had a suspicion that Jared secretly enjoyed when Jensen sang his praises and begged a little bit. 

That was exactly what Jensen was going to do.  He was going to let Jared dote on him in the ways he seemed to be chomping at the bit to do.  He was going to walk into that house and let his anger go because he knew Jared would make everything feel better.

At least he hoped he would because Jensen was so sore that he wanted to pass out and forget this day ever happened.

Pushing the door open, he knew immediate that he was correct about dinner plans.  The house smelt like garlic and butter and was just plain _yummy_.  It was yummier still when Jensen caught sight of Jared, wearing those damn glasses that always make him melt.  It seriously astounded him that glass, metal, and plastic could combine in such a way to make his heart beat double time.

Stepping in the kitchen, Jensen tried his best to smile.  “Hey, babe.”

Jared took one full on look at Jensen and frowned.  “Bad day?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“It’s always obvious to me.”  Jared made his way towards Jensen and pressed a kiss to his jaw line.  “You okay?”

“Yeah.  I’m okay.”  Turning his head, Jensen caught Jared’s lips and kissed him properly.  “Hi.”  He opened his eyes and came face to face with Jared’s hazel spectacled eyes blinking back at him.  He still hurt but his day was infinitely better already.

“Hi.”  Smiling, Jared wiggled his eyebrows once before closing the gap between them.  Jensen’s belly made it an awkward feat but Jared shifted and bowed around it.  “Baby being bad today?” he asked while laying one hand on his husband’s middle.

“No.  She’s never bad.  My body is being bad today.”

“Aww, Jen.”  Pouting, Jared made a noise of pity.

“Yeah.  It’s fine.  I’ll be fine.  But I’d be even better if you wouldn’t mind doing that thing you do with those fucking fantastic hands of yours.  Your kid isn’t going easy on me today.”  With a nudge, Jensen hoped Jared would catch on to his none too subtle request.

“So now it’s _my_ kid?”

“Yes.  My kid wouldn’t do this to me.”

“Oh, really?”  With a sideways smirk, Jared raised one eyebrow.  He studied his husband in silence for a minute before taking on that look he always got when he worried about Jensen.  “Jen, why don’t you head upstairs?  Dinner has been done for a while, we just need to heat it up.  I think it can wait till we get you more comfortable.”

“You sure, Jare?”

“Am I sure about getting you naked and rubbing you down for a while?  Yeah.  I’m sure.”

Jensen liked the sound of that.  “Well, when you put it that way…”

“Yeah.  When I put it that way.”  Jared gave a sly smile and nudged his husband.  “Go up to my massage office.  I have a table I can pop the middle out of and I can see what I can do about your body ‘being bad today.’”

It wasn’t like Jensen had never been given a massage in Jared’s office before, but the office wasn’t their space.  It was where Jared saw his clients and Jensen didn’t _love_ mixing his and Jared’s interactions with a space dedicated to others.  Sure, the massage tables made things easier for Jared, but they’d worked around that before.  “Do you think maybe we could go to the bedroom?  It’s comfortable there and…”

“Yeah, Jen, that’s fine.  Want to meet me up there?  I want to seal up some of the food so we can reheat it later and then I’ll be right up.  Get naked in the meantime.”  Turning on his heels, Jared went about his task, shooing Jensen once with a wave of his arm.

Jensen didn’t hesitate.  He’d made his way upstairs, kicked off his shoes and disrobed.  He found himself alone for the moment with nothing but his reflection in the floor length mirror.

It wasn’t the first time he’d stared at his profile and his growing belly, but it had been a while since he had seen it full on.  It was bigger now, curving out and looking impossibly round.  Usually he looked down and got an idea of how big he was getting.  Mostly, he avoided his reflection because a selfish part of him mourned the loss of the trim waist he’d worked so hard for.

Tentatively, he touched his middle, cocking his head to the side and wondering if his and Jared’s baby was actually round.  It was weird to see the extra weight on his frame, but both his hands confirmed that it was solid and real, the baby giving a flutter of movement under his palms.

“God, you’re sexy.”

Jensen spun to see Jared standing in the doorway with a look of pure adoration on his face.  Rolling his eyes, he snorted, “god, you’re blind.”

“No.  Seriously.  You’re gorgeous Jen.”  Jared came up behind Jensen and rested his chin on his husband’s shoulder so that he could look at their intertwined reflections.  “Wish you knew.”

“I look weird.”

“Well, yeah, it’s weird seeing you like this.  Sometimes it makes my head spin because I swear my mind must be playing tricks on me because it’s not…it’s just not something I thought I’d see on you.  But looking at you like this…you’re as sexy as you always are.”

“Jay…”  Jensen’s voice hinted at the discomfort he felt in Jared fawning over his new belly.  He believed Jared meant what he said but it still made him uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I know, I know.”  Sighing, Jared nudged Jensen towards the bed.  “Come on.  Lay down and I’ll make it all better.”

Jensen didn’t need to be told twice.  He got on the bed, using the damn body pillow he pretended he hated but couldn’t live without to help make himself comfortable.

Within minutes, Jared’s hands were moving over his back and shoulders, pressing in under the joints and rolling knots of muscle until they relaxed enough and dissipated.  The lotion Jared was using not only felt but smelled good.  It was soothing enough that he let the anger and discomfort of the day slip and he groaned out in pleasure when Jared finally released a pesky buildup of pressure in his lower back.

Jared worked in silence, letting Jensen soak up as much of the relaxed vibe as possible.  Finally, when he did speak, it caught Jensen off guard.  “I thought of a name.”

Jensen’s eyes fluttered open.  “You did?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm.”  Jensen nuzzled lower into his pillow, bones loose and fluid.  “I did too.”

“What is it?”  Jared shifted his body closer, his hands still working along Jensen’s spine while his husband lay on his side. 

Sucking in his lip, Jensen mumbled into the pillow.  “I dunno if you’ll like it.”

“I’m sure I will.”  Waiting for a reply, Jared gently prodded his husband.  “Come on Jen, tell me.  I’ve been dying to talk about this with you all day.”  When Jensen still proved reluctant, Jared pulled back and grabbed a notepad and pen he kept beside his bed.  “Come on Jen.  I’ll tell you mine.  I’ll write it down and then you write yours down and we’ll show each other at the same time. Okay?”  With a grin, he elbowed Jensen and shoved the notepad in front of him.

Pulling himself up off the bed like it was a chore, Jensen sighed and took the notepad with clumsy movements.  “Fine. But go easy on me.  It’s just a name I like and I keep getting hung up on it.”  Scribbling on the paper, he tore the page up, folded it in half and passed the notepad back towards Jared.

Shaking his head, Jared followed Jensen’s actions, tearing his own page out and folding it before sliding it along the bed sheets towards Jensen.  He waited until Jensen passed over his own paper before counting down.  “Okay, one, two, three, open.”

Jensen stared at the unfolded square of paper containing Jared’s handwriting.  “Logan?”  He ran the name over in his head and had to admit it was a great name.  He’d never have thought of it on his own but, now that he’d seen it, it felt like it was it was burned into his brain.  Looking up, he smiled but Jared was looking on in contemplation at the name Jensen suggested.  “You hate it, don’t you?”

“No.  I don’t.  Lily is a beautiful name.  I just think it’s interesting that we both picked L names.  Like we’re on the same wavelength.”  Jared put the paper down and smiled at Jensen.  “I love it, Jen.  It’s pretty.  Honestly.  I mean that.  But too bad the baby’s a boy, because we can’t have a son walking around with the name Lily.”

Laughing, Jensen relaxed back onto the pillow, no longer fearing that his first duty as a father in naming his child would be a failure.  He felt Jared crawl closer, something warm and soft ghosting over his belly.  Looking down, he saw Jared’s lips gently grazing his stomach, moving slowly but the words were too soft to make out.  “What are you doing?”

“Telling baby L that I’m sorry his daddy is a big grump but he’s going to have the best damn dad in the world.”

“You’re such a girl.”  Falling back on the pillow, Jensen watched with amusement as Jared resumed his talk.

Jared locked eyes with Jensen while speaking to his unborn child.  “And when you’re born and turn out to be a boy, you can finally prove to your daddy that your papa was right and now you have gender identity issues and we are going to have to pay a fortune in therapy bills.”

“Jare…stop.”  Jensen pulled away but there was laughter in his complaint.  Jared was being silly but the sweetness in his voice, the way his eyes lit up when he spoke to their child, it felt like some part of his husband that had been damaged by loss was on the mend.  While propping himself up on his elbow, he bumped into Jared with his foot and whined.  “Seriously, less talking and more making me feel better.  My feet and ankles are killing me.”  The last statement made him try to suck in the words when he realized how pathetic he sounded.

Giving an open mouthed smile, Jared laughed.  “Who’s a girl now?”

“Shut up.”  Jensen scowled.

“Aww, baby, you want me to take care of you Jenny?”  Jared’s voice was melodic, lovingly teasing at his husband’s sore spot.

Whether it was the nickname or being accused of being a girl, something snapped in Jensen.  He’d been on the edge of being irrational all day and it didn’t take much.  Instead of getting angry, determination flared up inside of him and he growled.

Jensen didn’t move all too gracefully but he must have moved fast enough to startle Jared when he pushed himself up and yanked his husband closer to him.  Their lips crushed together roughly, teeth scrapping against each other’s until Jensen got proper control of the kiss and dominated Jared’s mouth.  It was intense and Jared let out a shuddering moan as Jensen worked Jared’s mouth open and kept a firm grip on his shoulders.  “I’m a girl?”  He rose up so that he was no longer sitting back on his heels and pulled Jared up with him as they both knelt on the bed.  With a calculated movement, he slip a leg between Jared’s and locked his arms around the younger man’s waist.

Jared tried to answer with a “no” but it came out mumbled and dissolved into a sigh.  He tried again with similar results when Jensen gave a hungry growl while working their lips together.  In an instant, he melted against Jensen, putting his hands against Jensen’s chest to steady himself.

“That’s what I thought.”  With a satisfied snort, Jensen cupped Jared’s jaw and manipulated his husband’s head so that he could expose a long stretch of neck.  He kissed along his husband’s pulse point, tasting the familiar saltiness that was Jared.  When Jared’s breath hitched, Jensen smirked and nipped at the man, setting up an unrelenting pace of kissing, sucking, and nibbling along Jared’s neck and jaw.  The sounds coming out of Jared’s mouth incited the tug deep in Jensen’s gut to latch onto Jared and hold on forever.

Jared’s breath was coming out in shallow pants.  His eyes slid shut and he surrendered to Jensen’s ministrations.  “Jen…I…”  He twisted in Jensen’s hold as arousal made its way through his body and his still clothed dick stirred to life and strained against his pants.

“What, babe?”  Jensen ran a hand down from Jared’s neck and let it linger over Jared’s heart.  It was easy to pick up the faster than usual thumps under his palm.  “You like this?”  He continued his hand’s downward journey and palmed Jared’s cock.  Jared made every needy noise Jensen needed to hear in that moment, every perfect moan and whimper when Jensen gently squeezed the length rapidly filling with blood.  “‘Cause I like it, Jay.”  Jared shivered in Jensen’s hold and Jensen let out a shameless groan.  He pulled both hands upward and grabbed Jared’s face, each thumb hooking under Jensen’s jaw and tugging him with such an intense longing that his motions were hasty and messy.

The exhale that left Jared’s mouth was shaky, eyes unfocused as he locked gazes with Jensen before his husband licked his lips and smirked before falling into kissing again.  The kiss intensified, Jared rolling his hips and trying to get some kind of friction but Jensen slyly avoided the contact and coaxed a whine from Jared.

Letting out a pitiful noise of want, Jared ran his hand over Jensen’s naked length.  “Jen…” The rest of his words were cut off when Jensen pressed into his hand and recaptured Jared’s lips, swallowing a loud moan.

They’d moved like this before, crashed against each other and clung like digging into each other’s bodies was the only way to keep breathing.  It was intense and their hands fumbled to find something to hold onto and tug each other closer still.  The part about their neediness that was new was that they didn’t fit together as they usually did.  Jensen’s belly made it difficult for Jared to melt completely into Jensen’s body.  The angle at which Jared had to twist his hands to stroke a fist up Jensen’s dick was awkward, but doable.  It, however, prevented Jared from sliding forward on the leg Jensen had slotted between his legs, depriving him of the friction he was going crazy for.

In frustration, Jensen let out a huff and pushed Jared back onto the bed.  In the next minute, Jensen was shuffling closer to his husband, hands working feverously as the fasteners on Jared’s pants and yanking them down while Jared got himself tangled up in his own shirt.  Once naked, a satisfied hum rumbled in Jensen’s chest.  Jared was spread out before him looking impossibly tan.  It made no sense but Jared’s skin always seemed to glow for Jensen and he wanted to lick every square inch of it.

His dick twitched as Jared stretching and shifting on the bed fueled his arousal.  He moved forward, intending to settle between Jared’s legs so he could get his hands on his husband and work him open while watching the way he unraveled and begged.  It was awkward though.  Jared could open his legs pretty damn wide, but Jensen couldn’t get down low enough to take a bite out of the inside of Jared’s side.

Jared propped up on his elbows and gave Jensen a look that screamed he was just as frustrated with the delay in events as Jensen was.  Arousal was building up in them so rapidly that they felt like they were on fire and the only way to outrun the flames was to burn out their heat on each other.  “You okay?”

“Yeah, I…it’s just weird, I…”

“Ohh…”  Jared ran his eyes over Jensen’s body as a light bulb went off.  “Ohh!”  Screwing his lips, he sighs in concentration before smiling, popping up and scrambling over to the nightstand to grab a bottle of lube.  Returning to Jensen, he pressed it into his husband’s hand while kissing him deeply.  He drew out the kiss, pulling back from it before intensifying it and battling for power of the kiss.  He backed down just enough to entice Jensen into strong confident movements and licked at the inside of his mouth.  Smiling into the kiss, Jared pulled away and shimmied to the edge of the bed, falling forward onto his forearms and putting his ass on display.  “I want your fingers inside me, right now.”  He looked over his shoulder at Jensen with half lidded eyes.

“Fuck.  You’re going to get more than that.”  Jensen swallowed thickly.  He ran his hand over the curve of Jared’s ass, loving every inch of skin he covered.  With a playful slap and an “oof” of surprise from Jared, Jensen pulled away to coat several of his fingers with a helping of lube. 

“Come on Jen, show me how much of a man you are.  I want it hard and fast.  I want to feel what you do to me all day tomorrow.”  Jared shifted so that there was no way Jensen could refuse his request.  He looked like he was going to combust if Jensen didn’t get _something_ inside him soon.  Jensen makes good on his prior statement and sinks a finger all the way in.  It’s a faster push than he usually gave Jared, but he knew his husband could handle it.  Jared hissed but the sound was drunk with lust and want, giving Jensen enough confidence to pull out and push back in with the same speed.  He twisted his hand, curled his finger and caught Jared’s insides just right, exhibiting just how much power he had over Jared at the current moment.  His movements got more forceful and soon enough, Jared was panting and moaning, reaching back and trying to get Jensen’s hand to give him more.

“More.  Now.  Come on Jen, give me another.”  Jared’s mouth fell open when Jensen did, slamming two fingers inside him and manipulating moans out of his husband like a pro.  Jared was begging for it by the time Jensen got three fingers inside him.  There was a dribble of precome building at the tip of Jensen’s dick and he _wanted_ everything at the moment but watching Jared beg for it, shiver, shudder, and respond to each stroke of his fingers was delicious enough to put off finding his own release for the time being.

Jared pitched forward on the bed when Jensen’s fingers purposely nudged his prostate and set Jared off on a series of conflicted attempts to escape and find more stimulation at the same time.  “Please.  Please, Jen.  Please.  More.  Need you.  Want you inside me, filling me up with that perfect dick like you always do, like no one by you can do.  God, Jensen…”  He ended his pleading on a high whine when Jensen twisted his fingers and tugged at the tight ring of muscle encircling them.

Licking his lips, Jensen watched his fingers disappear into his husband, his entrance fluttering and tensing around them, begging in its own way alongside Jared’s pleas.  “What’s it feel like?”

“Good.”  Jared sighed when Jensen nudged more deeply inside him.  “Great!  Almost enough but not enough.  God…it’s just…I need more.”  He canted his hips to the side, getting enough pressure on one side of his channel but the lack of pressure on the other side made him whimper.  “I need you.  Want to feel you split me open.  Want you deep inside, in the place I love to feel you when you fuck me senseless.  Want…want…Please?”  His mouth hung open as Jensen scissored his fingers.  “Nnngg!”

Enamored by how responsive Jared was and the fact that Jensen could strip Jared down to this primal form with a few thrusts of his hand had Jensen hard enough to come right there.  He wasn’t that cruel; he could never leave Jared hanging after he begged so prettily.  “Shit, Jay…I love when you fall apart so much you can’t even string sentences together.”

Pulling his fingers out, he listens to Jared whine impatiently as he lubes his dick up and assess the situation.  Jared’s fully on the bed but the angle was all wrong.  Even rising up on his knees, Jared’s ass was too high.  Normally it wasn’t a problem, but one test movement proved that Jensen’s belly was going to be a problem if he wanted to get some good thrusts in without crushing his baby and potentially causing brain damage.  Snorting, he got to his feet and tried coming at Jared from that position but the angle doesn’t work either.

His brain worked fast and suddenly, Jensen yanked Jared off the bed, forcing his husband to stand upright with Jared’s back facing him.  Jared couldn’t get a word out before Jensen pushed him down, effectively bending him in half so that his ass jutted backwards and he fell onto the mattress.  Pressing a firm palm to the area between Jared’s shoulder blades, Jensen shoved his husband down.  Letting out a lungful of air, Jared’s chest fell flat to the mattress while his hips canted upward.

“Oh, Jared…if you could see yourself…”  Jensen licked his lips and stood tall, looking down at his husband and pawing at his own arousal.   Moving forward, the lines of Jared’s body were perfect; the bottom of his belly brushed over the swell of Jared’s ass, making it perfectly feasible to slam into Jared in just the way his husband loved.  “Spread your legs for me, Jare.”  His voice was a growl.

Jared complied immediately.  “Fuck me.” It sounded too desperate to be a command but not by much.

“I plan on it.”  Jensen grabbed his dick in one hand used to swollen head to toy with Jared’s slick entrance.  With one shallow thrust, the heat and all encompassing tightness of Jared was too much and he dropped any pretenses of teasing his husband and slammed in with the thorough thrust.  Moving in sync with each other, Jared tilted his hips up and sparks of pleasure went off in Jensen’s gut and started to override his body.  “Fuck, you feel good.”

Like hitting a switch, Jensen slid in and Jared moaned through the whole movement.

It was music to Jensen’s ears, prompting him to ask, “you like it, baby?”

Jared’s words came out unevenly, distorted by the fact that Jensen was slamming into him and forcing his body to slide forward and back across the mattress with each thrust.  “Love it.  Ahh!  That’s perfect.  Don’t-don’t stop.”

Jensen didn’t.  He picked up a steady rhythm and drowned himself in Jared’s body, surrounded by their heat and the moans leaving his husband’s mouth.  He didn’t realize it but his own moans joined the mix, practically begging Jared to wait for him, that he was close.  His breaths were coming in short pants and he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs to speak nor did he want to waste his energy in doing so.  He had bigger plans, namely pummeling Jared into the mattress.  He grabbed Jared by the hips and used the man’s frantic bucking to his advantage and they worked together to fall into a quick, dirty, joining of their hips.

With a violent shiver, Jared tightened up and moaned, causing his channel to flutter around Jared’s dick.  “Right there, Jen!”  Jared slipped forward and Jensen had to hold on more tightly to Jared for leverage but he kept up the unrelenting pace.

“Mmmmnnn, that’s good.  You’re fucking perfect Jare.  I love you so fucking much.”  Jensen groaned and buried himself in Jared, rolling his hips and letting Jared tighten around him and send him over the edge.

In an instant, he realized Jared was coming untouched.  The thought was too much.  Jared was yelling underneath him, voice coming in unintelligible groans of pleasure and shouts of reaching his climax.  It was the catalyst to Jensen losing it and letting his own orgasm wash over him.  While Jared clawed at the bed, Jensen painted his insides with come.

“Jare!”  Jensen’s eyes fluttered back as all intelligible thoughts shot out his dick alongside his release and his hips stuttered awkwardly to a slow halt. 

Jared collapsed first, falling half on-half off the bed, landing directly in the wet spot but feeling too blissed out to care.  Since Jensen was still standing, Jared’s dropped hips deprived Jensen of being buried inside his husband so rapidly that they both let out a whine of discomfort.  Jared mourned the loss with something that sounded like a “no” as he closed his eyes and rolled to the side.

It was a good thing he did because Jensen wobbled and caught the edge of the mattress, pulling himself so that he could sit beside his husband.  A sigh escaped his mouth in between pants of air and everything felt so much better than it had an hour ago.  He looked over at the smile on Jared’s face, proof enough that Jensen had given his husband exactly what he needed.  “Guess that proves I’m not a girl, Jare.”

“I know, Jen.  I was just teasing.”  He rolled closer so that his face could nuzzle Jensen’s hip.  “You’re all man.”

“Okay.  Good.  I wanted to make sure we were clear about that.”  Supporting himself with one hand, Jensen leaned back while running his other hand through Jared’s sweat damp hair.  He toyed with the shorter strands curling across his forehead and wondered if their baby would have hair like Jared.

Cracking open an eye, Jared looked up at Jensen and craned his head closer to Jensen’s middle so that he could rest his cheek against it.  He pressed a soft kiss there.  Before Jensen could protest, Jared looked up with questioning eyes.  “How’s the baby?”

“Good.  She was quiet the whole time – thank god.  If she was kicking me I dunno if I could have focused on what we were doing.  I just seems… _wrong_.”  The thought made him shutter.

Snorting, Jared laughed and pushed himself up to sit next to Jared.  He groaned and stretched.  “Ughh…definitely going to feel that tomorrow.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah…great.  You know I love when you take away my ability to think straight.  It’s…”  He paused and thought.  “I love trusting you enough to let everything go like that knowing that you’ll take care of me.”

A slow smile crept over Jensen’s face.  “I’ll always take care of you baby, regardless of the situation.”

Dropping a quick kiss to Jensen’s lips, Jared returned the smile.  “I know.  It’s why you’re going to be a great dad.”

Jensen wasn’t afraid of being a bad father.  He knew he and Jared were going to be great parents but hearing Jared say the words reassured him even further.  “You better not show me up.”  Laughing in unison, Jensen went to get off the bed so as to clean up but he fell back down, wincing as he rotated and ankle.  A frustrated sigh left his mouth.

“Come here, little girl.  I’ll rub your feet.”

Snorting, Jensen was about to throw a barbed retort at Jared but when he saw his husband’s mischievous smirk, he toned it down.  “Do we have to have a repeat performance of earlier?  Because, give me a little while and I think I can make that happen.”

“Ohhh, I’m counting on it.” Jared winked.

Pushing backwards, Jensen played along.  He crossed both ankles over Jared’s laps and pointed to them.  “Well, count on it _after_ you rub my feet.”


	14. Chapter 13

Jensen stared at his half eaten breakfast plate in confusion.  What he saw made very little sense.

The plate still held half of the cheesy, meaty, omelet he’d been craving since midnight and he was starving three minutes ago.  Now, his brain still wanted to eat the meal but his stomach felt so full he barely wanted to move.

Snorting in frustration, Jensen pushed his plate further away from him and rubbed his pregnant middle.  He’d known his baby was taking up a lot of room while she grew inside him, making him uncomfortable, but now he could add squishing his stomach muscle to the list.

“Thanks kid.  That was a fucking good omelet.”  Jensen’s reprimand was cut off when his eyes went wide and he watched his belly bounce up suddenly.  The movement was slight but it was definitely there.  “What the…”  He watched his stomach hitch upward again just as suddenly.  “Do you have the hiccups?”  In response, the baby repeated its motion.  “Aww, you do, don’t you?”

The feeling was _weird_.  He’d heard of it happening often but until now he’d yet to experience it.  He thought it should have made him feel uncomfortable but it wasn’t at all like the alien movements before.  Instead, the baby hiccupping was an occurrence he could relate to.  It was human.  There was nothing scary about human.

Pushing up from his chair, Jensen went in search of his husband.  Hot on his heels, Daisy got up from her place under the kitchen table, curled near Jensen’s feet, and pranced alongside her human, tail wagging happily. 

Jared was found snuggled in the corner of their couch reading.

“Hey, Jared.”  Jensen sat down next to Jared, smiling when his husband put the book down and gave him his attention.

Daisy hopped up onto the couch and laid her head across Jensen’s knees.  She raised expressive eyes towards Jared and her furry eyebrows twitched.

“Hey, Jen.”  Reaching out a hand, Jared scratched behind Daisy’s ears, making the dog pant happily and give her version of a smile.  “Hi, Daisy girl.”  He kept up his scratching while running his eyes over Jensen’s distended middle before landing his gaze on Jensen’s eyes again.  “What’s up?”

“Look at this.”  Jensen flipped the hem of his shirt up to expose the skin of his rounded middle.  It took a second, but the baby shifted suddenly.  With the shirt out of the way, the motion was unmistakable.  “The baby has the hiccups.”

“Wha-woah.”  Jared watched Jensen’s belly move, pulling back in awe.  He turned his attention to Jensen, looking at him like he was the most amazing thing in the world.  He had a goofy grin on his face and let out a laugh.

“Yeah.  Crazy, right?”

“Mmm hmm.”  Jared put both of his palms on Jensen’s middle and waited quietly for the baby to move.  When it did, he laughed happily and held on in anticipation of another movement.  “Hi, baby.”  The baby hiccupped again and Jared pouted.  “Aww, poor thing.  You think he’s okay.”

Jensen shrugged.  “Hiccups never hurt either of us.  I’m sure she’s fine.  But I’m equally sure this is going to get real old for her and I if this keeps going on.”  Jensen winced as his belly jumped.  “There she goes again.”

Every time the baby moved, Jared’s face softened.  His smile was so bright that Jensen couldn’t help but want to put up with more discomfort so that smile would stay on his husband’s face.

“Hey, Jensen?”

“Hmm?”  Jensen looked up towards the younger man.

“I,” Jared paused to laugh when the baby hiccupped again.  “I love you.”  He leaned forward and brushed his lips across Jensen’s, lingering so as to kiss more deeply.

Reaching up, Jensen cupped Jared’s face and pulled him closer, sandwiching his pregnant middle between them.  “Love you too.”  He kissed the mole on the side of Jared’s face and laughed when their baby hiccupped again.  “Okay, as fun as this has been, this is getting really uncomfortable.”

“Well, how do we get him to stop?”

Jensen sat back against the couch and looked down at his rounded middle.  He put one hand on each side, bracketing his stomach between them.  “Hey, kid, gonna wrap this up any time soon?  It’s not like I can hold my breath for her.  I mean, I can but I don’t think it is going to do much good.”

“I dunno, Jen, maybe we can try scaring him or something.”

“Scaring her?”

“Yeah, I dunno.  Isn’t that supposed to work?  It startles a person and it’s like a reset button.  Poof.  No more hiccups.”  Jared pulled back to size up Jensen’s stomach before crouching down so his lips were barely an inch away from the swell.  “Boo!”

Jensen startled.  Even though he knew Jared was going to try to scare their baby, the suddenness of the shouting took him off guard.  The little one inside him, however, seemed unfazed and continued to hiccup.  “Well, that didn’t work.”

“Boo!”  Jared’s second try resulted the same way, with a startled Jensen and a baby who decided it wanted to thwart its parents’ wishes.

“Give it up, Jay.  She’s not letting up anytime soon.”  Running a hand thought his hair, Jensen sighed.  He’d resolved himself to an afternoon of baby kicks and intervals of hiccups when Daisy barked loudly a few inches away from his stomach.  The bark was a solid loud sound and it echoed through the room.  Daisy did it again and it shocked Jensen.

“Daisy, what the…”  Jensen looked down at his dog and raised an eyebrow to her dopy expression.  Daisy had her tongue sticking out of her mouth and she licked a wet stripe over Jensen’s exposed middle before yipping happily again.

While Daisy continued on with her antics, Jensen realized the hiccup bounce to his middle had stopped.  Instead, the baby rolled and reached out against the confines of Jensen’s womb.  “Shit, Jared, I think she stopped.  I think Daisy’s bark scared her.”

“Really?”  Jared raised an eyebrow and gave his dog an impressed look.  “Way to go, Daisy girl.  You looking out for your daddy, huh?”  Ruffling her fur, Jared cooed at the dog.

Daisy looked proud of herself and licked Jensen’s middle again.

Though Jared and Jensen had used the term “daddy” thousands of times in their life with Daisy, it was starting to take on a whole new level of importance.  “Jay, you do think that she’ll be good with the baby, right?”

“I think so.  She’s good with Emmy.  And she’s been super protective of you since you’ve been pregnant.  I think it is going to be more of the same once the baby is born.  You know Daisy.  She wouldn’t hurt a fly.  I don’t think that is going to change once the baby is here.”

“Yeah, but flies don’t cry and suck up all our time.”  Jensen scratched under Daisy’s chin with one hand and rubbed soothing circles across his stomach with the other.

“True.”

Jensen groaned when the baby put a quick end to the discussion.  “And flies don’t make me have to pee all the time.”  Grumbling, he let Jared help him up from the couch.  Daisy jumped down as well, following him all the way to the bathroom.  When she tried to sneak in the door behind him, Jensen turned around and pointed a finger at her.  “Ohh, no you don’t.  You’ve helped enough today, young lady.  I think I can handle this one on my own.”

The dog sat dejectedly on the floor.  As soon as Jensen closed the door, she howled and pawed at the wood.  Over Jared’s laughter and a new round of howling, it was hard for Jensen to concentrate on what he was doing.

This being pregnant thing was _weird._

**********************

Jensen was sure whoever saw him on his morning jog all had the same thought – who would be running while eight months pregnant?

Only, Jensen wasn’t running.  He was barely jogging.  Plus, Ali had said it was safe for him to keep running while he was pregnant since he’d been doing so every morning for the past seven years.  It wasn’t like Jensen was putting his or his baby’s life at risk.  As long as Ali gave them her ok, then he was going to trust them.

Besides, running was the only thing that made him feel like himself.

Bars made him feel very pregnant in the sense that they were packed with things he couldn’t drink because of his condition.  Each beer Doug drank was a constant reminder that he had a person growing inside him.

Mirrors made him self-conscious.  He couldn’t believe how much his body had changed.  It was hard to realize he had gone back on all his past talk about “never, ever, _ever_ wanting to be pregnant” or swearing to his friends and family that he’s “freak the fuck out and die” if he’d ever gotten pregnant.  At least he got something right.  He did “freak the fuck out” but he was learning to cope.

Work was getting harder because of the physically taxing nature to his job and the fact that his balance might actually be worse than some of his physical therapy patients.  It made him feel like a novice.

Running was where he didn’t have to worry about things because even though he was going slower, it was the one time he tuned out the world and was alone with his own brain…and Daisy, of course.

He hit the entrance to a small park and contemplated going for a run on the trails.  They were well maintained and he felt sure enough that they wouldn’t be a problem to navigate.  Before he could do so, however, a sharp cramp seized his middle and he gasped.  It didn’t let up after another few steps and he had to grab onto the back of a park bench.

“Mother fucker.”  Jensen hissed and brought one hand down to support the underside of his middle.  His muscles felt tight and the cramp momentarily knocked the breath out of him.  It wasn’t terrible and he’d been breathing heavily from running to begin with, but the pain had caught him off guard.

He’d been used to all levels of discomfort but this was different.

Deciding it best to take a break, Jensen sat on the bench, looking at his middle like it had the answer to what was going on.

The baby was calm.  She barely moved while Jensen caught his breath.  The pain seemed to have disappeared.

Daisy paced the stretch grass in front of the bench uneasily but stayed close enough so as not to tug on the leash or attempt to get Jensen back on his feet.

Jensen was about to get up when the pain came back.  It was gone quicker than the first time he experienced it but there was no doubting that it was there.  Getting to his feet, his stomach did a nervous back flip when his brain made the knee-jerk reaction to thinking there was something wrong with the baby.  It made his whole body shiver in jumpy concern.

Pulling out his cell phone, he called Jared.  He’d learned from his first scare that trying to go at things on his own would only result in feelings getting hurt.  “Jay?”

“ _Jensen?  Are you okay?”_   The concern was immediate.

“I think so.  I just…I don’t know.  I was running and then everything hurt for a minute.  It went away but now it’s back.  It’s not bad, it’s just…different.”

There was a rustling and the sound of keys jingling.  “ _I’m going to come and get you.  Where are you?”_

“Sunfield Park, near the north entrance.”  Jensen took a breath and rubbed his stomach.  “Jay, I’m okay.  I think she’s okay.  But it hurts and I…I think we should check it out.  Ali said not to hesitate in coming in or calling her and…well…this is something new.”

“ _Yeah_.”  Jared took a nervous inhale as the sound of his car’s engine starting filled the silence.  “ _I’ll call Ali on the way over there.  You’re okay, though?  Any_ …”  His words fell away, leaving Jensen to figure them out on his own.

Jensen knew his husband was probably going to say bleeding.  It’d been the result of every failed pregnancy Jared’s had and it’s practically an automatic concern whenever Jensen complains about something.  Thankfully, Jensen felt none of that right now.  All that plagued him was cramping.  It wasn’t blood but it was scary enough on its own.  “No, Jared.  No blood or anything.  I’m okay.  I just…hurry okay?”

“ _Okay_.”  Jared’s voice sounded as nervous as Jensen felt before the call was disconnected and Jensen was left to wait under Daisy’s watchful guard.

By car, the park was only ten minutes away but it felt like an hour for Jensen.  He hadn’t experienced any more pain while he waited but the minute he got into Jared’s car it snuck up on him and he groaned.  He hadn’t meant to scare Jared further but he couldn’t help it.  What was going on inside his body was something he’d never prepared himself for and there were constantly surprises along the way.  Sometimes, he couldn’t stop the wide eyed stunned looks or quick inhales.

The ride to Dr. Carlson’s office was quiet because neither man knew what to say that wouldn’t come back to bite them in the ass.  They didn’t want to reassure that everything was fine just in case it wasn’t and they didn’t want to weight the situation down with self fulfilling prophesies by saying that something was wrong.

Ali saw them right away, ushering them into an exam room herself and getting Jensen seated on the table.  “What’s going on, guys?”

Jensen kept a hand to his middle.  As pregnant as he felt the gesture made him look, he hadn’t been able to stop it as the weeks went on.  “I…I’m not sure.  I’ve just felt these strong cramps and they…they were different.  I’ve never felt them before.  I was worried and I…”  He felt himself starting to rant and was thankful when Ali cut him off.

“Hey, it’s okay to worry.  Remember, calling me is always the right decision.  I don’t mind.”  Ali made a quick hand movement in the direction of Jensen’s belly so as to ask permission to put her hands on him.  As soon as Jensen nodded, she lifted his shirt up and felt around his middle, hands searching out answers to their questions.  “The baby is head down.  You got yourself a little over achiever here.”  She smiled reassuringly at Jensen and continued examining him.  “Did the cramps get worse or closer together?”

“Um, no, they actually got farther apart.  They started off strong but then they were quicker and not as bad.”  Jensen licked his lips and looked over at Jared.  His husband looked lost for something to do and Jensen wished he had a way to make Jared feel helpful.  He threw him a look and hoped Jared understood how much help he was actually being just by standing there.

“Okay.”  Ali’s hands did a second pass over her patient’s stomach, double checking what she’d just done.  “What where you doing when they started?  Anything strenuous?”  She stood back so she was face to face with Jensen.

“I was finishing up my morning run with Daisy, our dog.  It came out of nowhere.”

“Hmm.”  Ali turned around and grabbed a paper gown from the cabinet over the sink.  “You want to put this on for me so we can see what else is going on?  Sorry, I know you don’t love this part but I need to get all up in there so I can do my job.”  She attempted to break the tension with her wild hand language and a laugh.

Jensen took the paper gown but fisted it so tightly that his fingers broke through it.  “Why?  Do you think there’s something wrong with the baby? Because…”

“Woah, woah, woah.”  Ali put up her hands.  “I didn’t say there was anything wrong with the baby.  Relax, Jensen.  You,” she pointed a finger at Jensen before turning it on Jared, “and you too, need to stop thinking that there is always something wrong with your baby.  If the baby was born today, that would be okay.  Sure, it would be early but the baby is strong enough to live outside of you.  You two need to stop worrying that you are doing something wrong.”  She sighed sadly.  “Seriously.  I hate seeing you think that way.  I can’t imagine the toll it is taking on you.  I don’t think anything is wrong but I want to make sure, okay?”

Jensen nodded and looked down at the ruined paper gown.

“Here,” Ali took the original gown she handed Jensen out of his hands and replaced it with a new one, “let’s try that one, okay?  I’ll step outside for a moment.”  Putting a reassuring hand on Jensen’s shoulder, she squeezed before quietly leaving the room.

Jensen sat motionless on the table, staring at his hands.

“Let me help you, Jen.”  Jared reached out.

“No.  I can do it myself,” Jensen said firmly.  He hadn’t meant to sound so snippy but he was on edge.  He needed to remind himself that he was strong enough to do it all, to make sure Jared didn’t fall apart again like every other time something was wrong with their babies.

Jared backed off, burned by the remark.

“Shit, Jare, I didn’t mean that.  I just…It came out wrong.”  Jensen looked towards his husband.  “Maybe you could help a little.  My balance is shit.  Can I…can I hold onto you.”

Whatever frustration had been building in Jared’s eyes left as soon as Jensen asked for assistance.  “Sure.  Sure, Jen.  I’ve never had a problem with getting you naked.”

Jensen snorted a laugh, loving the much needed distraction his husband’s smile was providing.  “I didn’t know paper gowns were your thing.”  He raised both eyebrows.   “Kinky.”

“Yeah, well, it’s so thin and…”  Jared was cut off by Ali’s soft knock at the door.

“You two good?”  Ali cracked the door open.

“Yeah.  I’m decent.”  Jensen sat on the exam table and wrung his hands.

“Darn it.  I guess I came back too late.”  Ali smirked as she pulled on a pair or rubber gloves.

Jared raised an eyebrow.  “You know, most people would be concerned if their doctor talked that way to them.”

Ali laughed.  “Yeah, but you’re not most people.  And I reserve those types of remarks for you two.”

Jensen knew the banter was all in good fun and he was usually grateful for it.  It made having her between his legs feel like less of an uncomfortable situation because Ali acted like it was no big deal.  She usually carried on conversation and traded snippy jokes with him.  Now, however, Jensen really wanted to know what was going on and found it hard to participate in the conversation himself.

“Ok, Jensen, legs up.  You know this part of the program.”  Ali shifted two stirrups into place and helped Jensen gets his heels into them.  “Don’t tense up, Jensen.  I know that’s hard for you.  I am going to do a quick exam to see what is going on in there and then we’ll talk.”

“Okay.”  Jensen fell back against the exam table, sterile paper lining crinkling with each movement.  He tried to let his muscles fall open but feeling Ali poking around inside him made it difficult.

“Relax.  You’re doing good.”  Ali smiled up at him.  “Atta boy.”  She finished her exam and pulled away, stripping off her gloves in the process.  “The cramps you were feeling were definitely Braxton Hicks contractions.  I know we’ve spoke about them before but I am guessing this is the first time you’ve actually felt them.”

“Yeah, I…”  Jensen thought back to his meetings with Ali.  “Those are the fake contractions, right?”

“I like to think of them as practice contractions, but yeah, they aren’t the real deal.  You’re body is just getting ready for labor and testing things out.”

Licking his lips, Jared let the tension leave his body.  “So, Jensen and the baby are fine?”

“Perfectly.  Braxton Hicks contractions are normal but they can be scary the first time you feel them.  Practically all my first time parents come in when they experience them.  Trust me, you’ll know when true contractions start but for now just monitor how often you experience the Braxton Hicks ones.  I can give you some suggestions on how to deal with the discomfort, but other than that, it is just another fun perk of being almost done with your pregnancy.”

Relief was immediate.  Jensen sighed and let out a crazy laugh.  “I feel stupid.”

“Well, you’re not.   Like I said, they are scary the first time.  And I’m glad you came in because, while you aren’t in labor, you are two centimeters dilated.”  Ali prepared herself for Jensen’s reaction to that news.

“What?”  Jensen sat up and crossed his legs like it would help reverse the situation.

“Relax.  That part is normal too.  Some people dilate an inch or two weeks before they actually go into labor and stay that way until they do.  You’re body definitely isn’t contracting enough to throw you into labor and the baby seems happy enough to stay right where it is.”

“So…that means?”  Anxious fidgeting made Jared scratch at the back of his neck.

“Well, it means that I want you to rest for a few days, just in case.  I’m not putting you on strict bed rest, per say, but if you could do something pretty close to that for about four days, I’d recommend it.  And I don’t know when you were thinking of going on paternity leave from your job but I know it can be physically taxing.  I would think about sooner rather than later.  Right now, no work for four days and then we’ll discuss it more when I see you next week to check out the baby’s heart.”  Ali made a note in Jensen’s file before looking up at her patient. 

Jensen could tell by the face Ali was making that she was holding back news.  Bed rest wasn’t the end of the world and neither was going on leave from work.  He’d been thinking about moving the date up because of his burgeoning belly getting in the way.  “What, Ali?”

“No more running for you.”

“Is that what caused this?  I thought you said running was okay.”  Guilt made Jensen tense up.

“I said it was okay until I told you it wasn’t anymore.  This is me telling you it isn’t okay anymore.  It didn’t cause this but too much stress or strain on the body can cause an increase in Braxton Hicks contractions.  With you being two centimeters dilated, I would rather play it safe.  In four days you can go walking again but no more running or jogging.”

Jensen swung his head towards Jared, his reaction immediate.  “You have to run with our dog.”

“What?”  Jared’s eyes widened.

“If I can’t take her, you have to.  It’s our thing.  It’s what we do.  We can’t take away her morning run and then throw her whole schedule off by having a baby.  You have to run with her.”

“Jen, I _hate_ running,” Jared whined.

“Well I _hate_ being pregnant.”  Jensen regretted the words immediately.  He looked down at his stomach and tenderly put his hands on it.  “I don’t hate you, kid.  I just hate this whole process.  You’re good.  I love you.”  Catching Jared’s attention again, he and made a gesture towards his middle.  “While I am doing _this_ , you are running with our dog.”

“ _Seriously_ , Jen?”

“Seriously.”  His words must have been strong enough to get his point across because Jared dropped his argument.

A laugh escaped Ali and she tried to stifle it by putting both hands over her mouth.  “I’m sorry.  It’s just…you two…”  She laughed again.  “If you’re this concerned about a dog, you’re going to be great parents.”

Jared was about to respond to the compliment.  “Oh, shit!  Daisy is in the car.”

“Relax, it isn’t hot out and we have the windows open,” Jensen responded.

“Okay, listen, let me get you guys situated and you can get out of here.”  She smiled at both her patients.  “The baby looks great and so do you, Jensen.  Everything is right on track.  So no more worrying for today but if you do have concerns, call.  Immediately.  And I’m serious about resting.  You need to relax.  Jared, I know you will take good care of you hubby, right.”

“Of course!  He knows that.”  Jared wormed his hands into Jensen’s hold and tickled his husband’s palm.  “I am going to take such good care of him he won’t even know what hit him.”

************************

As it turned out, Jared wasn’t kidding about taking such good care of Jensen.

For the past four days he had practically waited on Jensen hand and foot.

At first, it was nice.  Jensen was tired from the baby and his discomfort keeping him up all night.  Being propped up on the couch watching s cheesy actions movies while chowing down on baby carrots, which he swore tasted so much better than regular ones and he had no idea he enjoyed carrots so much, was a welcome occurrence.

But then Jared did what he always did when he was nervous. 

He hovered.

It was like the prior two scares they had with the baby.  Jared was walking on eggshells around Jensen and it was making him nervous.

By day two, sitting around in bed or on the couch got pretty old.  Jared wouldn’t let him do anything that required more time standing than walking to the bathroom.

Jensen had tried to make himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but Jared had literally lifted the knife right out of his hand, took Jensen’s place and insisted on doing the task instead while Jensen returned to the couch.

He had also tried to make a batch of pancakes the next day but Jared took that over too.  It was frustrating being told what he could and couldn’t do but it was equally frustrating in that instance because Jensen didn’t want Jared’s light, fluffy and perfectly browned pancakes.  He wanted the type he made. The ones with too much butter on the pan and dark crispy edges to each pancake.

It was frustrating but Jensen reminded himself that Jared was trying.  Jared finally seemed to have an active role in this pregnancy and while he was going overboard with that fact, it made Jensen smile that his husband didn’t look so lost anymore.  Plus, if Ali thought bed rest would be good for the baby, then Jensen was planting his ass down and listening to her orders.  Still, she hadn’t ordered him on strict bed rest.  He thought maybe Jared missed that snippet of information.

By day three, Jensen was going stir crazy.  They’d gotten into a stupid fight about the baby’s nursery.  Technically, it wasn’t about the nursery itself.  It was about the molding around the ceiling.  Jensen had meant to put it up himself but there was no way Jared was going to be okay with letting Jensen up on a ladder; Ali probably would have vetoed the idea too.  So, Jensen was stuck watching Jared put the molding up incorrectly with very little options in how to help.  Aside from his work as a physical therapist, he was, at heart, the type of person who was better at doing everything himself rather than explaining to others how to do things.  He grew frustrated in watching Jared do things wrong.  Bed rest made Jensen’s tried and true option of doing the job himself an unusable option.

He reminded himself that Jared was trying.  He told himself he could fix the molding once the baby was born.  It wasn’t that bad; no one would notice that it wasn’t perfect.  Plus, when Jared was done, he had a smile on his face the size of Texas and Jensen didn’t think their child would mind if the room’s molding wasn’t perfectly straight.

On day four, Jensen had been awake all night.  He had too much pent up energy from staying in one place for so long.  The baby had been just as restless, kicking him _all_ night long and landing so many punches to Jensen’s bladder that he thought he should move his bed into the bathroom.

He’d barely gotten any sleep by the time morning came and he really needed something to do.  Daisy stared at him, tail wagging and ears perked in silent request for a walk.

That wasn’t what did Jensen in but it was what toppled the scales.

Daisy wasn’t the only one unhappy about no more runs.  It made Jensen’s world seem off kilter.  He wanted to scream in frustration.  He felt so sore, tired, _big_ , and useless.

Jared didn’t have a clue what he was walking into when he smiled at Jensen and asked him if he wanted to have french toast for breakfast.

Jensen grumbled and crossed his arms over his chest.  “No.”

“Well, do you want oatmeal or something?”

“No.”

“What do you want then?  Because I am starving and I know you and the baby must be as well…”

“I _want_ to stop feeling so shitty.  I want to go for a run.”

Jared sighed and gave Jensen a sympathetic look.  “But you can’t.  Ali said – ”

“I know that!  I would never actually go for a run.  I am just saying, I _want_ to go for one,” Jensen snapped.  He felt miserable and Jared was the only one there to take it out on.  “This is all your fucking fault.  You know that, right?”

Jared stepped back, hurt washing over his face.  “Jen…”

Jensen screwed his lips together and gave an annoyed scowl.  “Well it is!”

The accusation instantly broke something in Jared and he looked like he shattered.  Jared made a hurt whimper and pulled another two feet away from Jensen.  “How could you say that…after…everything and the…How could you say that?”

Pieces didn’t click together for Jensen.  “What?”  He looked at Jared and can’t figure out why his husband went from smiling to crying so quickly that he has whiplash.  Jensen’s been on edge all day but he realized now that maybe Jared had been too.

Jared’s words were filled with pain as he got them out in-between sobs.  “I’m sorry I can’t have babies and I _forced_ you into this.  I’m sorry it’s _my_ fault that _you_ signed the papers to have the doctors rip out my only chance of getting pregnant.  It’s my fault?  Is that how you see this?  This is my entire fault because I couldn’t do it myself?  Fuck, Jensen, do you know how much I want to do it myself?  Do you?”  Jared wiped away tears with the back of his hand.

Jared’s eyes were saturated with hurt and Jensen could see old wounds opening right before his eyes, months of healing annihilated by one tactless hormonal comment.

“Jared…I…I didn’t mean it that way.”  Jensen’s heart hammered in his chest.  He hadn’t meant it that way at all.  All he meant was that he was miserable and he was being quite literal in the sense that Jared fucking him, Jared’s sperm, was the thing that started this whole mess.  He wasn’t actually trying to pinpoint blame.  The whole comment had been the product of no sleep, being moody, and letting his hormones frustrate him enough to get the better of him.

“Save it Jensen.  You’ve already said it.”  Jared covered his face with one hand and sighed heavily.  “I need to get out of here.  I need to think.  I…I don’t want to do anything else you can blame me for.”

“Jay, I…”

“No!  No, Jensen.  It’s fine.  It’s great.  I’m glad that’s all out in the open now.”  Jared’s words came out quick, sounding more hysterical than Jensen had ever heard his husband sound before.  Biting his lip, Jared gave Jensen one last hurt look before storming out of the room and slamming the door.

Jared was out the front door and in his car before Jensen even put all the pieces of the last two minutes together.  “Shit.”

The baby kicked him hard and Jensen thought, yeah, he probably deserved that.

*********************

Jared didn’t come home that night, nor did he return any of Jensen’s phone calls.

Selfishly, Jensen wanted Jared back home where he belonged.  Rationally, Jensen knew his husband deserved all the time away that he needed.

Replaying the events of their argument, Jensen wished he knew just how much Jared still hurt.  It hadn’t occurred to him that Jared was as uncomfortable in his role as the non-pregnant partner as Jensen was being pregnant.  It was an odd flip for them and he thought Jared was handling it well.  He felt like a shitty husband for ignoring signs Jared had probably been giving him.

Jared’s absence hurt him the most when he never showed up at Dr. Carlson’s office the next day.

Jensen brushed it off and was thankful Ali didn’t push the matter, but he knew his doctor had picked up on the fact that something was off.

Jared had never missed an appointment before.  In fact, Jensen had been so certain that Jared would walk through the exam room’s door at any second that he found himself lingering in the exam room long after Ali left in case Jared had gotten held up and arrived late.

It was one thing for Jared to be mad at him.  It was another thing entirely for his husband to take it out on the pregnancy and their unborn baby.

Instead of driving home from the doctor’s, Jensen found himself driving on autopilot towards the Padalecki household.  He didn’t know what he was going to say to Jared when he saw him but he _needed_ to see him.

Sherri opened the door with a pleasantly surprised smile on her face.  “Jensen, how nice to see you.”  She held the door open and waved her son-in-law inside.  “Oh my goodness, look at you.  You get bigger every time I see you.”  She moved her hands to Jensen’s middle like she couldn’t help herself.  “Hi sweetheart.”  She cooed louder when the baby kicked her palm.  “You’re growing strong aren’t you, little one?”

Jensen stood sill and let his mother-in-law get her full of his middle.  He still hated when other people fawned over his belly but he lost every battle in trying to get Sherri or his mother to back off.  Surrendering was easier and he knew once the initial gushing over his stomach was over, it would be less painful.  “Yeah, she’s a little anxious today.  So am I.”

Sherri stood up straight to look at Jensen with concern.  “Anxious?  Why?  Everything okay?”

“Physically, we’re fine.  I just, I need to speak to Jared.”  Jensen peaked his head around his mother-in-law and craned his neck in an attempt to see deeper into the house.

“Jared?  He’s not here, sweetie.”  Sherri looked puzzled.  “I haven’t seen him since you two came for dinner last week.  Why?  Did he say he was coming here?”

“No, I…um…I’m sorry my mistake.”  Jensen went to pull away.  If Jared wasn’t at his parents, then he wasn’t sure where he was.  They didn’t fight often, barely ever, but when Jared was annoyed enough, he’d cool off at his parent’s house.  His stomach twisted in knots at the fact that his husband’s whereabouts were unknown.

“Jensen, sweetie, are you okay?”  Sherri put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder.  There was barely any force to it but the concern in her eyes was strong enough to stop him dead in his tracks.

“We…we…uhh, we had had a fight.”  The minute the fact was out in the open, Jensen couldn’t stop himself.  “He was angry.  He left last night and I have no idea where he went.”

Thinking for a moment, Sherri pulled Jensen into the house, closing the door behind them.  “Come sit down and have a glass of water.”  She rubbed his arm and smiled up at him.  “Look at you, sweetie.  You’re so upset you look like you’re going to fall down.”  Stopping in front of the kitchen table, she gesture to a chair.  “Here we go.  You take a seat and I’ll get you that water.”  She disappeared in a flash, returning with a pitcher of lemon water and two glasses.

Jensen took the offered water and steadied himself with several small sips.  He thought he was holding it together well enough but clearly he wasn’t fooling anyone.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry to come here and tell you I pissed off your son enough that he’s been avoiding me and missed our obstetrician appointment.”

Sherri seemed shocked.  “Jared missed one of your appointments?

“Mmm hmm.  Today at noon.”  Jensen took another sip and let out a deep breath.  “I’m such an asshole.”

Sherri ran her hand over Jensen’s.  “Jensen, you are a lot of things.  I’ve known you since Jared first brought you home to meet us ten years ago.  I’ve seen you do a lot of stupid things but an asshole you are not.”  Jensen avoided her gaze and she tilted his chin up.  “Hey, listen to me, I love you like your own mama.  You are good and kind and you care for my son like no one I’ve ever seen before.”

“Yeah, well I fucked up this time.”  Jensen composed himself under the affectionate gaze of his mother-in-law.  It was sweet that she had so much confidence in him but he still felt like a traitor in spilling the details of their fight to his husband’s mother.  She was biologically predetermined to take her son’s side.  In the past, however, she had been fair and Jensen hoped she would hear him out.

“Tell me what you did and let me be the judge of that.”

“It was stupid.  It was something small and I didn’t mean it.”  He paused and rested a palm on his middle.  “I was feeling sick and uncomfortable.  The baby had been kicking me all night long and I had the worst heartburn I’ve ever experienced.  Add to that the fact that I was going stir crazy while on bed rest and I was probably the most hormonal person on earth.  Jared…he…he was so sweet and happy and it rubbed me the wrong way immediately.  I had no idea how he could be so happy when I felt so miserable.  I mean, you have _no idea_ how I felt.”  Thinking about his comment, Jensen blushed and backtracked.  “Well, you have kids so I guess you actually do have an idea.  But Jared?  Jared had no idea.”

Sherri sighed.  “I understand that.  Trust me.  I _have_ been there myself.  That doesn’t sound so terrible though.”

“No, that wasn’t the terrible part.”  He took a deep breath.  “I yelled at him.  I told him me being pregnant, being miserable, was all his fault.”

Sherri laughed.  “Jensen, sweetie, that doesn’t make you an asshole.  That makes you pregnant.  I’ve done the same thing.”

“Yeah, well…Jared didn’t take it that way.  I had only been pointing the blame at him because I was frustrated.  I wasn’t actually trying to blame him.  It was more of a result in me needing to vent my annoyance.  I meant that it was his fault I got pregnant, not that it was his fault I was pregnant.  Those are two very different phrases for us.”

Sherri’s eyes widened in realization of why Jared had gotten angry.  “Oh…oh dear.”

Nodding, Jensen continued.  “Yeah.  He…he started crying.  He told me he was sorry it was his fault he couldn’t get pregnant.  There was more but it was all along the same train of thought.  And then he left.  He hasn’t called or picked up the phone since.”

There was silence between them while Sherri processed the information.  “Jensen, I know you didn’t mean it.  I also know you didn’t mean to hurt my son.  It’s just…Jared…he’s so afraid of you seeing him as a failure.  He couldn’t bear it if you blamed him for the miscarriages and such.”

“I don’t!  I don’t blame him!”

“I know that, sweetie.  Jared does too, but sometimes it’s too much for him.  I think he always worries about it.  I think he always feels like a failure because he’s infertile.  That’s not anyone fault.  You’ve been his biggest supporter and cheerleader.  But I think, hearing you say it was his fault made him think the worst.  The fear was already in his brain, he just needed your comment to fuel the fire.”

Jensen looked up at his mother-in-law and felt his heart breaking from those words.  “But…I’m not blaming him for this baby.  It was a stupid comment.  I’m so thankful for this baby.  I love her so much.  He _knows_ that.”

“He does.”  Sherri squeezed Jensen’s hand.  “And he’ll come home.  He gets like this.  You know that.  He is empathetic.  Sometimes he needs to get away before he can revisit a topic with a clear head.  Jensen, my son loves you.  I’ve never been surer of anything.  I’m sorry he’s being an ass.”

“He’s not…”

“No, he is.  I raised him better than to walk out of an argument like that.  You don’t need stress right now.”

“But I was an ass too…”

“Maybe, but if you both explained yourself you would have figured it out.  You seem good at that.  It’s what makes you a strong couple.”  She patted Jensen’s arm.  “He’ll come home.  And if he doesn’t come home tonight I will find him and drag him to your house after giving him a good talking to.”

“I haven’t been making things easy for Jared,” Jensen admitted.

“Believe me, I know.  And maybe you can try to control that more but you have to cut yourself a little slack.  Maybe more than a little.  You’ve given up a lot of your comfort zone and that’s a huge sacrifice.  I know Jared recognizes that.  Trust me, sweetie.  He’ll be back.”

***************************

Jared showed up after dinner a few hours later.

He didn’t say anything when he walked in the door but Jensen knew he was aware of Jensen sitting on the couch.

Jared went straight upstairs and Jensen heard the sound of water rushing through their pipes, signifying that Jared was in the shower.

Jensen had no idea what he wanted to say to his husband.  He didn’t want to play games and wait for Jared to come to him but he didn’t feel like apologizing first either.  Instead, he waiting awkwardly for Jared to descend the stairs and walk silently into the kitchen.

Jensen’s back was to the kitchen but he could hear the clanking of Jared fussing with some pots and pans.  He’d forgotten how much he’d missed the sound of Jared tinkering in the kitchen after only not hearing it for 24 hours.  Emotions overwhelmed him and he thought he might cry over how relieved he was to have Jared back in the house.

Caught between wanting to strike up a conversation with Jared or holding his ground, Jensen yelled loud enough for his voice to carry into the other room.  “Her heart looks better, just so you know.  I didn’t know if you cared.”

There was a clattering of a utensil to their kitchen countertops.  The silence that followed was broken by Jared letting out a shaky breath.  “Fuck, Jensen.  Of course I care!”  The hurt was back in Jared’s voice.

“Oh, okay, well, I didn’t know because you weren’t there.”  Jensen squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to cry and he forced himself not to turn towards Jared’s voice.

“I didn’t know you wanted me there.”

This time, when Jensen opened his eyes, Jared was standing right in front of him.  He looked conflicted, heart clearly breaking but limbs stiff with hurt and unable to reach out towards his husband.  “I always want you there, Jared.”

“You have a weird way of showing it.”  Jared’s body was very still as he locked eyes with Jensen.

“Yeah.  I know.  But it’s your kid too.  I always want you there.  You missed seeing her again.  It looked like she was sucking both her thumbs.”  Jensen felt the determination to stay strong slipping and his breath hitched.  “I waited…you know…and then you weren’t there so Ali had to do her thing.”

Jared neck tensed as he swallowed.  The last sentence hit him hard and he lost his battle with gravity and slowly sank to his knees.  He hovered a hand over the swell of Jensen’s belly.  “Of course I care about the baby.  How could you think I don’t?”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”  Jensen sighed.  “God, why does everything I say come out wrong?  I didn’t know if you were too mad at me yesterday to care anymore.”  Jensen’s eyes were wet already, he could feel it.  He wanted to be mad at Jared for staying away for so long but that could wait.  He had a right to be angry over Jared worrying him but Jared also had a right to be mad.  Jensen couldn’t figure out a way to deal with both those facts at once.  Instead, he shut down and let out a wounded exhale of air.

Jared’s resolve broke and he put both hands on his husband’s middle, looking like he was about to cry himself.  “He’s okay?”

“Yeah.  Ali said the spot is smaller.  She thinks it’ll be gone in a few weeks.”  Jensen covered Jared’s hands with his own.  “Shit, I’m sorry Jared.  I’m sorry for what I said.”

Jared didn’t say anything but he kept his hands planted firmly on his husband’s middle while he shook his head back and forth.

Jensen knew he was trying to drive back tears but he failed when a wet splotch damped the fabric covering Jensen’s stomach.  The tear was a dark mark on the light gray fabric and its presence served to trigger more of Jensen’s own tears.  “Jay, I’m sorry.”  Jared stayed quiet, crying more heavily now but no words came to his lips.  “Jay, please…say something?  Forgive me?  Please?

“Forgive you?  I…I fucking walked out on you and our baby.  I just…I left.”  Jared looked up and Jensen and the exhaustion from the past 24 hours shone clearly on his face.  “Forgive you?  God…Jen…how can you forgive me?  I promised you I would be here to help figure things out with you and _I_ left.”

“It’s okay, Jared.  I understand.  I do.  But you need to understand that I didn’t mean it that way.  I didn’t mean it at all.  I was tired and cranky and _everything_ hurt.  I just meant you knocked me up.  That’s all.  Come on, Jay.  It was a stupid comment, right?  So cliché that I can’t even believe I said it.  So you have to know I didn’t mean it.”  Jensen placed the pad of his thumb at the corner of Jared’s left eye and trailed downwards to brush a tear away.

“Yeah.  I do know that.  I know that _now_.  I didn’t know it then.”  Jared held Jensen’s hand against his cheek before turning his head so he could kiss his palm.  A mumbled, “I missed you,” left his mouth before he looked up at Jensen again.  “At the time…I let you blaming me hit me too hard.  You know how much I would give to trade places with you and it felt like a slap in the face.  I thought you were blaming me for everything we’ve been through in the last four years.”  He held up a hand to stop Jensen from speaking.  “I know you weren’t but I got caught up in my own issues.  I want to do _this_ with you but I am always so afraid that it is going to be too much for you and you are going to want out.”

“It’s not too much, Jared.  I _don’t_ want out.  I mean, I want the baby out, but that’s about it.  Otherwise, I am all in.  Even if I am miserable, I am all in.  You know that, right?”

“I do.  I swear.  I just get scared and that makes me think funny.”

“Jared, I’m sorry.  I am sorry you are scared and I’ve been too caught up in myself to realize it.”  Jensen licked his lips.

“I was so mad at you Jensen.  To hear us now…both apologizing for the same thing…I feel so stupid.  But yesterday, I saw red.  I was hurt and angry.  I went to Jeff’s house and stayed there.  I didn’t know what to say to you.  Then, after I went over the situation a million times, I didn’t know how to apologize to you for walking out.”  Jared cursed and struggled to take a calming breath.  “I was gone a day and I could barely function without you.  What the hell is wrong with us?”

“You think that means there is something wrong with us?”  Jensen pulled Jared up onto the couch and knocked their forehead’s together.  “You think the fact that we love each other so much we drive each other crazy is a bad thing?  Because, I don’t.  I think you’re the only one who gets me and I get you.  I was mad too.  And I’m sorry but you are too.  There is no real argument, right?  We both acted irrationally but at least we are putting some serious thought into figuring it out.  I _hate_ that you left and that isn’t okay but I understand too.”

“I won’t do it again.  I swear.  Jen, I never want to do that again.”  Jared smiled, his tear filled eyes curling up and causing the residual moisture to tumble down his cheeks.

“And if I am talking like a crazy person, can you take it for what it is – ramblings of your pregnant husband and not serious accusations or threats?”  Jensen kissed Jared’s smile softly.  It was salty from tears but soft and responsive as always.

“Are you admitting to being pregnant and hormonal?”  Jared smiled and kissed his husband again.

“Jare…”

“Say yes and you get makeup sex.”

Jensen smirked.  “Make up sex is pretty tempting.  It’s up there on my lists of favorite types of sex, right after husband sex.”

Jared snorted out a laugh.  “Jen, husband sex is every time we have sex.”

“Exactly.”  Jensen held Jared chin and kissed deeply, every ounce of relief in having his husband home painting the kiss.

They kept up their kissing for a long time, lingering sobs and fears working their ways out with each touch, caress and kiss.  There was a litany of “sorry”s between the two of them and their tears dried as they got more desperate and kissed each other like their lives depended on it.

Jensen pulled away and looked Jared in the eyes.  “I love you, Jared.  So much.”  He gave a quick kiss before backing off again.  “And if I don’t get you naked now, I am going to burst.  So if it takes me admitting that I am pregnant and hormonal to get you to make good on the makeup sex offer, then I am man enough to do so.”

Jared laughed, shaking his head.  His eyes were too full of need for him to pretend he didn’t want Jensen too.  They disappeared upstairs, Jared’s kisses and reassurances on Jensen’s lips.  They were too raw from their moment downstairs to move quickly but slow, panned out touches and movements paved the way for both men to remember how strong their bond was.

It was a perfect reminder to help Jensen realize running wasn’t the only pastime that made him feel like himself during his pregnancy.  Making Jared fall apart while he was moving inside him was pretty high on the list as well.

 

　


	15. Chapter 14

Jensen growled when he heard Jared enter the bathroom.

He’d escaped the frustration of their bedroom by isolating himself in the shower for a reason, namely he didn’t need Jared looking at him with those knowing eyes.

“Jare, just let me shower, okay?”  He closed his eyes and stood under the warm spray of the shower head, hoping his memories of ten minutes ago could wash down the drain.

“Aww, Jen, don’t be like that.”  Jared ignored his husband’s warning and slipped into the shower.

“Be like _what_?”  Snapping his eyes open, Jensen scowled at the ridiculous look of understanding and want to comfort written all over Jared’s face.

“Like _that_.  Don’t be upset.”

“Don’t be upset?”  Jensen had no idea why he was so annoyed at the fact that Jared was still smiling at him like nothing just happened.  He decided to blame hormones and not dwell on the fact.  “Don’t be upset?  Don’t be upset that I can’t fuck my husband just like you were begging me to do?  Shit, Jared, my stomach is so big that I can barely do anything, not to mention that it’s uncomfortable to even try.”  He stopped when he realized Jared’s lips had transformed from one of pity to an amused smile.  “Are you laughing at me?”

Jared shook his head and covered his lips with one hand.  “What?  Me?  No…No, I’m…”  A small laugh slipped out.

“You are!  You _are_ laughing.”  Jensen set his features and snarled a little.  He was pissed off and frustrated on top of being embarrassed.  He supposed what happened in their bedroom was laughable but that didn’t mean Jared should actually laugh.

Jensen had woken up horny and their kid was still fast asleep in his womb so he figured he would wake Jared up with some teasing strokes of his husband’s dick and kisses to his shoulder blade and back of his neck.  Things worked according to plan until Jared enthusiastically woke to respond to the kisses, their actions getting hotter and heavier.  Jared had fallen apart and practically begged for Jensen to fuck him hard and deep, just the way he liked it.

That task, however, proved impossible when Jensen’s belly got in the way of his dick coming anywhere near Jared’s entrance.  He swore they had just had sex but now his belly felt heavier, lower, and like it had its own gravitational pull.

He supposed that was what happened when one neared their due date but it frustrated him none the less.

So he stared at Jared, looking stung out and ready to be fucked and Jensen felt like a complete fool because he wasn’t at liberty to anything about that fact.  He stormed out of the bedroom with as much frustration as his pregnant middle let him and barricaded himself in the bathroom.

He was _so_ done with being pregnant.

Now Jared was looking at him and adding insult to injury by laughing over what just happened.

“I can’t believe you’re fucking laughing at me.”  Jensen crossed his arms over his chest.

“I’m not laughing at _you_ but I am laughing at the situation.  Aww, come on Jen.  It’s funny.”  Jared paused and took in Jensen’s unwavering glower.  “It’s okay, Jensen.  It was a nice try.  But you’re pregnant, _really pregnant_ , and we both knew sex would be off the table soon.”

Sounding much more like a boy than the man he was, Jensen whined.  “But I don’t want it to be off the table.”

Jared smiled again and stepped closer to Jensen.  He wrapped his arms around his husband’s neck and kissed his upturned lips.  “I know.”  He gave Jensen another kiss.  “I don’t mind, though.  There are other things we can do, pretty fun things.”  With another kiss, he smirked.  “Plus, I kinda love this baby belly you have going on because it means we get to meet him soon.  And I _really_ want to finally meet him.”

Jensen softened then, letting his frustration go in favor of focusing on the way Jared is smiling at him.  “Me too.  But she’s kind of cramping my style right now.”

“Awww.”  Jared runs a hand over Jensen’s belly, tracing the curve of it and settling on the underside.  “You’re belly dropped a lot more in the last few days.”

“Yeah, I can finally breathe.”  Jensen demonstrated that fact with a deep breath.  He knew what Jared was talking about, he felt the change in his middle and the redistributed weight of his baby being head down and putting more pressure on his hips.  “It’s so freaking weird, Jared, you have no idea.”

“I’ll bet.”  Jared dropped down to his knees, the shower spray making his hair cling to his face to the point where he had to push it back.  Putting both hands on Jensen’s middle, he kissed his husband’s belly button before peppering the swell with more kisses.  “I love you so much, little one.  I want you to come out soon so we can meet you.  But not too soon, you gotta wait two more weeks, no matter what your daddy tells you.  I know he wants you out but I wanna make sure you’re ready.”

Just like that, the anger from before was gone.  Jensen couldn’t possibly feel that when he had Jared doting on him, excitement flashing in his eyes and hands tracing patterns over his stomach that he had to admit felt good.  Jared was kissing his belly, smiling into the stretched skin.

“You’ve gotten big,” Jared said with awe.

“Thanks for bringing it up.”

“It’s not an insult, Jen, and you know it.”  Rolling his eyes up, Jared locked his gaze with Jensen’s.  “I mean it in the amazing way.  Like, it’s amazing that you’re doing this for us.”  A mischievous smirk spreads over Jared’s face.  “I think you’re amazing and I’d really like to thank you for all your hard work, ‘cause I know doing this is hard work.”  He ran his hands up the outsides of Jensen’s thighs and smiled, dimples breaking through and making Jensen’s heart melt.  This time, when he kissed Jensen’s middle, it was more sensual than sweet, lips lingering and dragging across the skin deliberately.  Jared sunk down lower and his trail of kisses followed the movement so that they focused more on the underside of Jensen’s belly and the juncture between thigh and abdomen.

Jensen sighed, relaxing into Jared’s touches and the effects of the warm water.  It felt good, almost hypnotic.  He kept his eyes closed and lowered one hand so he could comb his fingers through Jared’s wet tresses.  “You don’t need to thank me.”

“But I want to.  I wanna make you forget about what just happened.”  Jared spoke through kisses and wanton sighs.  “I wanna make you feel good.”  His mouth was hot and perfect and Jensen lost himself to it.  The moment, however, Jared licked a drawn out stripe over the underside of his dick, Jensen shuddered.

“Jay…”

“Shhh.”  Jared pulled back so he could speak directly at his husband.  “I really want to suck your dick right now and I don’t feel like arguing with you about how it’s unfair or a simple alternative to what I asked for earlier in our bedroom.  So you are going to shut up and let me appreciate you.”

Jensen had no words.  Jared was usually vocal in bed but he’s usually needy, not demanding in the way he just sounded.  There was no time to let Jared know that he’s on board with his husband’s plan because the younger man was back to licking him, one hand coming up to cup his balls and squeeze them gently.  Groaning, Jensen’s hand returned to cradling the back of Jared’s head and giving just enough pressure to let his husband know that he really appreciates the tongue service.

Jared made a happy hum while swirling his tongue along the base of Jensen’s stiffening length.  His tongue trailed lower, transforming into a suck-kiss motion as he explored the surface of Jensen’s balls, still cupping them with his hand and playing with the pressure.

Jensen fruitlessly curled his toes against the shower floor and shifted his hips closer to Jared’s face.  It must have been an awkward position for Jared, considering he had work against the space Jensen’s belly occupied, but the noises he was making helped Jensen realize he didn’t seem to care.

After lavishing more attention to Jensen’s balls and using a hand to stroke him to full arousal, Jared made a skillful dip of his head and took Jensen’s entire length into his mouth in one go.

“Shit!”  Jensen pitched forward enough that he needed to put both palms against the adjacent wall to support himself.  He can tell Jared liked that little exclamation because his husband started to suck Jensen down with more enthusiasm, tongue tracing patterns into the hardened length.

In a flash, all the arousal Jensen felt in their bedroom was back.  Jared’s mouth felt good and he couldn’t stop himself from fisting Jared’s hair more firmly and taking some of the control away from Jared.

Jared let him have it.  He let Jensen set the pace at which Jared’s mouth was bobbing up and down over his dick.  Jensen slowed it down for a few thrusts before speeding back up, the movements getting sloppier but Jared kept up.

Jensen felt like he was fucking into Jared’s mouth so hard that he was going to choke his husband but Jared kept taking everything Jensen threw at him.  “Fuck, Jare…”  He leaned forward, practically resting his forehead against the cool tiles of their shower as he fell apart into a serious of deep moans and panting.  A familiar clench worked its way through his balls and he simultaneously didn’t want the climb to end and needing to come down Jared’s throat.

Jared moaned around Jensen’s arousal as he set his feet more firmly.  He gave several thorough bobs of his head, each pull off Jensen’s dick made fluid by the slick of saliva and precome.  Hollowing his cheeks, he gave a firm suck to the crown, tongue twirling around and teasing the slit, before he swallowed Jensen down again.

Jared’s mouth pulled out all the stops, throwing in trick after trick.  Jensen completely understood why he’s a second away from coming so quickly.  He tensed, shivered, held firm to Jared’s head and released a pent up gasp as he let a rope of come hit the back of Jared’s mouth.

Working his husband through the orgasm, Jared kept up a gentle sucking but his movement lost some of their fluidity. Jared shuddered himself, the shaky moan that left his mouth mirroring Jensen’s.

Jensen eyes fluttered back for a moment as Jared swallowed around him and gently pulled Jensen from his mouth.  Looking up at his husband the whole time, Jared licked him clean.  There was a flush to his cheeks as he let out quivering pants.

“Ohh, man….”  Jensen kept his head against the tiled wall.  “Oh, Jared, fuck…”  He swallowed and let out a loud breath.  He felt fantastic, albeit a bit unsteady in the aftermath of his orgasm.

“That good?”

“Oh yeah, baby.”  He smiled and let out a laugh.  “So good.  Perfect.”  Through his feeling of contentment, Jensen’s brain realized the one sidedness of what just happened.  “Shit, Jared, I’m sorry.  What about you?  There’s no way I can get down on my knees to return the favor because I will never get up again.  I can – ”

“I’m good,” Jared sheepishly replied.

“Huh?”  Looking down, Jensen understood immediately.  Jared was rising to stand but his dick hung spent between his legs and his hand was covered in the telltale signs of release.  “Ohh!”  Eyebrows peaking, Jensen smirked.  “Really?”

“Really.” Jared answered Jensen’s smirk with an eyebrow wiggle.  “What did you expect?  You’re hot when you get rough with me.  The noises you make don’t hurt either.”  Jared stretched, raising his hands over his head and arching his back.  “But it’s a good thing you’re a physical therapist because that position was a little awkward.”  He put his hand on the reason why it was awkward and made circle patterns with his fingers across Jensen’s stomach.  “He’s awake now, huh?”

“Yeah.”  Jensen looked down to watch Jared’s fingers move.  “Come on, let’s finish showering later.  I want to go lay down with you and – ”

“No, Jen, we gotta go to your parent’s for a barbeque today, remember?”  Jared pulled away and grabbed his shampoo, giving a squirt to his palm before combing it through his hair.

Jensen groaned.  “No.  I didn’t remember.”  He made a pathetic tug of Jared’s arms.  “I remember now though.”  He loved his parents, he did, but he was tired _all the time_ and thinking about trekking there was exhausting in its own right.  “Can’t we just stay here today?”

Jared pouted and pulled his arm back to finish working the shampoo through his hair.  “And risk your mother holding it against us for the next year?  No thanks.”  He took some extra shampoo from his hair and plopped it onto Jensen’s head.

Swatting Jared’s hand away, Jensen shampooed his own hair.  “They’re just going to want to talk about the baby.”

“Probably,” Jared said with a shrug.

“I’m not getting out of this, am I?”

“Nope.”

Jensen growled and stole to soap out of Jared’s hands.  “Fine.”

“Fine.  Now get that hot ass of yours clean.  It’s already late and I told her we’d be there at noon.”

*******************

Jensen sat at the kitchen table ruffling Daisy’s fur while he waited for Jared to finish doing whatever he was doing.

With all the fuss Jared made about being late to the Ackles’ house, Jensen didn’t know how he ended up dressed and ready while Jared flitted around the house doing a million things.

The last time Jensen saw Jared, he was attached to his cellphone and going from room to room, occasionally checking in on Jensen.  Now, Jared was somewhere upstairs and the clock was ticking past noon.

“What’s your other daddy doing, huh?”  Jensen asked Daisy.

Daisy cocked her head to the side and then nosed his baby belly.  Her wet nose left a damp spot on the tightly stretched white t-shirt covering Jensen’s middle.

“That confuses you?”  Jensen laughed when Daisy nosed him again but skittered backwards when the baby landed a kick to Daisy’s nose.  “Aww, Daisy, it’s okay.  She’s just poking you back.”

Yipping loudly, Daisy pranced in a circle before nosing Jensen’s belly again and barking at it.

The baby made a sudden moment that left Jensen feeling like she was startled by the dog.  He rubbed a soothing hand over his middle.  “Hey, Daisy, you have to be quiet.  Okay?  When the baby is born you can’t go barking like that.  It scares her.”

“What scares who?”  Jared interjected into the conversation, coming into the kitchen with a curious look on his face.

“Daisy barking scares the baby.”  Jensen leaned forward and gave Daisy a firm rub along her scruff.  “Isn’t that right, Daisy-girl?”  He was pulled away just as Daisy was going to lick his face by the vibrating of his phone against the kitchen tabletop.

“Oh!”  Jared reached out for the phone before Jensen could get it.  “It’s Doug.”  He avoided his husband’s grabbing hand and connected the call.  “Hey, Doug.  It’s Jared.  What?  No.  Sorry, Jensen and I have are going to his parents’ right now.  Maybe you two can get together tomorrow?”

Jensen looked at Jared like he’d gone crazy.  It wasn’t like them to answer each other’s cell phone unless asked.  “Jared, give me the phone.”

Jared ignored the request, held up one finger, and kept talking.  “Yeah, we are just about to leave the house now.  Sorry.  I’d put him on the phone but we are late as it is.  I’ll have him call you back.  Okay?  Alright, good.  See you later.”  Disconnecting the call, Jared slipped the phone into his own pocket.  When he turned to face Jensen he had a smile on his face and an ease about him like nothing out of the ordinary just happened.  “Ready to go?”

“What the hell was that?”  Jensen curled his lip and turned his palms upwards in confusion.

“What?”

“The phone thing.  What the hell Jared?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  We didn’t have time to talk to Doug right now, so I kept the conversation short and sweet.  You can talk later.”  Jared pulled at Jensen’s arm.  “Now come on, we’re late.”

“Whose fault is that?”  With a huff, Jensen got to his feet.

“Mine and I’ll tell your parents that.”  Standing by the front door, Jared made a hand gesture to signify that Jensen should hurry up.

“You’re kinda freaking me out right now, Jared.”

“I’m sorry.  It’s just…you know I hate being late for things.  It makes me a little crazy.”  Jared gave his husband a smile and locked the door behind them.  When they slipped into his car, Jensen gave him a funny look.  “What?”

“Can I have my phone back?”

“Oh, yeah, sure.”  Jared made a show of trying to reach the phone in his back pocket.  “I’ll give it to you when we reach your parents’ house.  Gotta concentrate on driving.  Precious cargo and all.”  He flashed a smile and focused on driving.

The ride to the Ackles’ house was a routine one for them and Jensen spent the entirety of it trying to figure out if his husband was losing his mind.  He really hoped not.  In a few weeks they would have a newborn and Jensen counted on Jared being a functional adult when helping raise her.  During the drive Jared was all smiles, the type of excited smiles that put a twitch in the corners or made him bite his lower his lip.

Jared was still smiling by the time they were pulling into the driveway and it stayed in place the whole time they walked towards the front door.

Jensen had a key, Jared knew that, so it took Jensen by surprise when his husband rang the doorbell.  Giving Jared another concerned look, Jensen unlocked the door himself and proceeded inside.

“Surprise!”  A camera flash went off in Jensen’s face.

Dazed, Jensen took a step backwards, colliding with Jared who seemed prepared for just that to happen.  His husband had his hands outstretched, ready to gently brace Jensen and support him.  His eyes went wide as he realized he was staring at practically his and Jared’s entire family with a sprinkling of their friends thrown into the mix.

“What the hell is this?”  Scanning the room, Jensen’s eyes stayed just as wide before they landed on Jared in search of an answer.

“It’s your baby shower.”  Jared grinned nervously.

“My _what_?”  Looking around, Jensen noticed the banners hanging from the doorways of his parents’ dining and living room.  They each held a similarly clichéd expression and there were more of them the further he looked into the house.  The one above his head read, “Showers of Happiness.”

Everyone was smiling and cheering and for the life of him, Jensen couldn’t figure out why.  The people in the room were supposed to be the ones that loved and cared for him most.  They had to know how freaked out he was by the prospect of being the center of attention during a baby shower.  Jensen didn’t need the cooing and the gushing and the touching his stomach.  It was alien enough carrying about.  It was too much that he had to flaunt that fact in front of people who mostly knew him as someone who was determined to never carry a child.  He felt like a hypocrite.

Baby showers confused Jensen.  He understood that people wanted to celebrate the soon approaching arrival of a new baby but he didn’t know why they had to be so…so…lame and overly emotional.

“Surprise, baby.”  Donna grabbed Jensen’s face and planted a firm kiss on his cheek in a way only a mother could.  “Well say something, Jen.  You look shocked.”

“I am.”  Jensen knit his eyebrows together and tried to think of a better reaction than huffing, turning tail and storming out the front door.  The rational part of him knew his family was doing this out of love.  The other part of him was sure they were doing this because they wanted to see him suffer.

In the corner of the room he caught sight of Scott losing his composure and breaking into a fit of laughter.  Doug was standing next to him, equally horrified by what Jensen was currently enduring.  Walking over to Doug, Jensen gave him a hard punch in the shoulder.  “You knew about this?”

Wincing at the punch, Doug took a step back.  “Oww, Jen.”  He lightly punched Jensen back.  “No.  I had no clue.  Scott hid it from me.  He knew I would tell you.  I just thought we were coming over for lunch.  I mean, we’ve had lunch with your parents hundreds of times.  Then I found out it was a baby shower and I tried to call you.”

Jensen connected the dots in his head and spun on his heels.  He stormed towards Jared, his pregnant gait the only thing not on board with his anger and throwing him off from looking like a real threat.  “Oh, you?”  He pointed a firm finger at Jared.  “You’re dead.”

“Eep!”  Jared scrambled out of Jensen’s line of fire and wove into the crowd of people.  He clamped a hand around Scott’s arm and took a shaky breath.  “Help me.”

“As hilarious as this is, you’re on your own.”  Scott laughed and gave his friend a look of pity.

The guests all seemed to be on Scott’s train of thought because they were laughing as well, doing very little to shield Jared from Jensen’s angry pursuit.

“Jared, I swear, I am going to kill you.”  Jensen growled.

Doug fell into line beside Jensen.  “I’ll help.  I’ll hold him down for you.”

The comment started something inside Jensen.  He looked at his best friend, the man who always had his back, even when it involved killing his husband, and laughed.  “You would, wouldn’t you?”

“Come on, we can take him.”  Doug stopped running after Jared the moment Jensen stopped.  He laughed.  People were staring at them but they couldn’t do anything more than laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Jensen pulled out of a snort of laughter.  “We really shouldn’t kill him.”

“No, probably not.  I’d hate for your kid to be down one parent before it’s even born.”  Doug scratched at the back of his head and raised his eyebrows in thought.  “We could hurt him though.”

  
“Yeah, that’s an idea.”  Jensen laughed again, resting a hand on his middle.  He was pretty sure, that in the history of baby showers, no one’s best friend had offered to kill the father.  That was just the type of sentiment Jensen needed.  Shaking his head, he hugged Doug, slapping him across the back several times while they both laughed.

“I still can’t believe you’re fucking pregnant,” Doug said with disbelief.

“Yeah, I know.”

Pulling out of the hug, Doug shook his head to emphasize how strange it was.  “You’re pregnant and I’m at your baby shower.  Fucking weird, man.”

It _was_ weird and the baby shower _was_ weird but Jensen had to laugh at that fact.  He nodded in agreement and looked down at his own middle in disbelief.

Alan pushed away from the wall where he had been watching his son’s eventful entrance.  Rolling his eyes at his son, Alan pulled him away from the center of the room and towards where food and chairs were set up.  “As much as I told your mother you would hate this, she and Sherri have put this party together anyway.  I hope you know, today isn’t about you.  It’s really about them.  They’re so excited to be grandparents, so let them fawn over you for just one day.  They’ve been trying so hard to play it your way but…just let them.  Okay?”

“Dad, I…”  Jensen quirked his lips to the side and realized how happy his mother looked.  She was flitting around the house, excited energy saturating every one of her movements.  Sherri looked just the same only she was dragging Jared around with her, smiling at him as she showed him how many presents they had amassed.  Scratching at his temple, Jensen paused to consider what his father was dealing with.  “It must be weird for you too, huh?”

“Weird how?  I mean, I never thought I would be at my son’s baby shower but I always thought you and Jared would give me a grand baby one day.  Granted, I’m in uncharted territory here myself.  When you were living under this roof you were into things sports and I had those types of conversations covered.  Now?  Now I’m not quite sure what to say other than good luck.”  Alan shrugged while giving a genuine smile to his son.

“Thanks dad.  I mean it.  You don’t know how much _not_ saying anything actually makes me feel better.  And I don’t know if this little one is a girl or a boy but I am sure you’ll have plenty to talk about, be it sports or whatnot.”  He returned Alan’s smile before making a jerk of his chin towards the pile of presents.  “Does she expect me to open all those?”

“Oh yeah,” Alan let out on a laugh.

 “And she’s going to take pictures isn’t she?”  Jensen was sure he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“No.  But Sherri is.”

Groaning, Jensen surrendered to the inevitable.  He wasn’t getting out of this whole baby shower  thing and the sooner he accepted that, the less painful it would be.  “There better be cake.  Really, really, _really_ good cake.  Like, the best damn cake in the whole world.”

“There’s cake.  And Gerald and I are grilling for all these people, so you can have the first batch of whatever you want.”

“Thank goodness for small miracles.”  Crossing his arms over his chest, Jensen’s facial expression read that he surrendered.  “If there are games though, I will murder all of you.”

Putting a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, Alan nodded in agreement.  “Don’t worry.  There will be none’a that.  Your mother and mother-in-law aren’t that crazy.  Come on, Jared’s been trying to figure out if it is safe to be your husband again and I think you ought’a let him off the hook.  I quite like him and it would be a hassle if I had to get to know a new son-in-law.”

The minute Jensen was within arms’ reach of Jared, his husband was plastered to his side with a worried look on his face.  “You’re not angry, Jen?  Are you?”

Jensen grabbed Jared’s chin between his thumb and forefinger so that he could pull him into a kiss.  “I’m not angry.  I just…you know I hate all the attention.”

“I know, trust me, I do.  But everyone wanted to celebrate _this_ ,” Jared gestured to Jensen’s middle, ”because it has been a long time coming and there have been so many bad times.  I think they all wanted to celebrate a _good_ time.”

There was a hopeful smile on Jared’s face and Jensen found himself responding with his own smile automatically.  “I love you.”

Jared looked surprised.  “Well, I wasn’t expecting that reaction, but I’ll take it.  I thought we would be on the moody brooding stage for much longer.”

Letting Jared hook their elbows together, Jensen shrugged.  “You’re better at this, at knowing what other people need.  You’re right.  Our families…they need to celebrate.”  He looked to where Jared was leading him and took a seat in the middle of a mountain of girls.  “Wow, that’s a lot of stuff.”

“Yep.  So we better get cracking.  And be nice.”  Jared pointed a knowing finger at his husband.  “Pretend you love everything even if you have no idea what it is or why we need it.”

The advice turned out to be good because Jensen had no idea babies required as much stuff as was now being loaded into their car….and his father’s car…and Josh’s…and maybe Megan’s.

After the party, Jensen was exhausted.  He had no idea how sitting down for so long could leave someone so tired but he’d found a way.  Being in a food coma after eating random tidbits from the grill and the promised cake only added to the feeling that there was no way he would be able to make it from his parents’ couch to their car.

He wasn’t ready to admit it out loud but the party hadn’t been terrible.  If he was able to ignore the pastel decorations and everyone staring at his belly or guessing when the baby would come, then the party was just like any other social event and that was nice.

The gifts had been over the top, much appreciated but totally unexpected.  He wasn’t sure if he and Jared would ever need the tub with a digital temperature from his aunt and he thought the snowsuit from Jared’s cousin was adorable but he didn’t remember the last time they’d seen snow.  Those gifts were sweet but couldn’t hold a candle to the tiny baby cowboy boots which were definitely more practical than other gifts because…well…despite the fact it weirded Jensen out a bit that he had something growing inside him that could actually fit into those boots, they were the cutest things he’d ever seen.  And the running stroller from Doug and Scott was forerunner to be his favorite gift ever because if anyone knew Jensen, they knew having a baby wasn’t going to stop him from returning to his morning runs.

The gifts were great, if not a little terrifying because now all he and Jared had left on their “to do” list was come out of this pregnancy on the other side with a baby who could actually use the gifts.

************************

Super Bowl Sunday wasn’t unlike any other Super Bowl Sunday Jensen had experienced, only this particular one was his due date, a due date that his and Jared’s baby didn’t seem like agreeing with.

Since his last appointment with Ali, Jensen had been holding steady at two centimeters dilated.  His doctor figured the baby might come a day or two early but reassured Jensen that sometimes first babies took their time, which was exactly what his little one was doing.

He’d been suffering through his far share of Braxton Hicks contractions but the pains hadn’t gotten more intense than that.

For as much as Jensen wanted his kid _out_ , his baby seemed determined to ride out the entirety of Jensen’s gestation period.

Groaning, he shifted from his position on the couch.  It was hard to get enough momentum to move, causing Jensen to rock back briefly before attempting to propel himself forward and onto his feet.

His belly hurt, but not in a contraction type of way.  It was sore and heavy, muscles just as done being pregnant as Jensen was.  If he thought about it, Jensen figured his feet and back were done being pregnant too.

“Jared?”  Jensen made his way into the baby’s room where Jared was putting together _something_ that was supposed to be a baby swing.

“Hmm?”  Jared looked up at his husband with a screwdriver between his teeth.  He mumbled a, “you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  Jensen sighed and pushed a palm to his lower back.  Though he was glad Jared had stopped hovering around him like he was going to go into labor at any minute, he was frustrated that his husband refused to let him help put some of their gifts together.  “I wish you’d let me do that.”

“No, I got this.  It’s easy.”  Jared took the screwdriver out of his mouth and smiled.  “How are you feeling?”

“Stir crazy.”  Looking at the mess in front of Jared, Jensen wasn’t so sure about his husband’s previous statement.  He loved Jared, he really did, he had a lot of wonderful qualities but his husband lacked in putting things together.  “Want to get out of here for a little while?”

“Jen…”  Jared’s voice was laden with uncertainty as he bit his lip.

“Today is my due date, I know.  _Everyone knows_.  But I figure the baby is going to come when it wants to come and I don’t feel like sitting around the house waiting for something to happen.  It is making me crazy.”

“What do you want to do?”  Pushing up from the floor, Jared brushed off his pants and came to stand in front of Jensen.

“I dunno, maybe go to Doug and Scott’s Super Bowl party?”

Jared raised his eyebrows in surprise.  “You…you want to go to a Super Bowl party?  With beer and people looking at you and reminding you why you can’t have said beer?”

Shrugging, Jensen sighed.  “Yeah.  I mean, I never missed spending a Super Bowl with Doug and…” he paused to let out a laugh.  “How funny would it be if I went into labor at their house?  Come on, Doug would…I dunno what he would do but it would be memorable.”

Snorting, Jared let out his own laugh.  “Memorable is one word for it.”  After a brief pause to think, Jared nodded.  “Yeah, okay.  You’re right.  We can’t just put everything on hold until something happens, right?  You sure you feel up to this?”

“Up to sitting on a couch and doing nothing but eating and watching football for a few hours?  Yeah, I think I can handle that.”

“Okay.  Let me take Daisy for a quick walk and we can go.”  Before he was halfway out of the room, he spun and gave Jensen a questioning glance.  “You _sure_ you feel okay?”

“I’m _fine_.  This kid is barely making a peep.”

“Okay.”  Smiling, Jared jogged down their stairs, whistling for Daisy on his way.

Jensen watched him go.  He’d told the truth.  He was _fine_.  He felt _fine_.  His brain, however, was anything but.  He was scared shitless of what Ali had told him was supposed to happen today.  As much as he wanted their baby in his arms, he didn’t want to think about pushing her out.  Sitting around _waiting_ was only making him more anxious.  He was hoping spending some time with friends doing _normal_ Jensen things like watching football would help him relax.

He knew Jared was nervous too.  They’d come so far and technically only had one more step to go but it was still one more thing before both of them could breathe easy in the fact that they had a healthy baby.

On the ride to Doug and Scott’s, Jensen couldn’t tell who was more relieved to get out of the tense waiting game he and Jared had been a part of.  Jared was all smiles in letting Jensen know that going to the party really was a great idea.

When they rang the bell, Doug couldn’t have looked more surprised.  “Jared, Jensen, woah, hey, what’s up?”

“Nothing, apparently.”  Jensen put both hands on his belly.  “Looks like the kid didn’t want to ruin our Super Bowl tradition after all.  Have room for two more?”

“Yeah, come on in.”  Doug waved them inside.  “Scott!  Jared and Jensen are here.”  Closing the door behind the men, he made his way into the living room where the festivities were going on.  He gestured between the guests sitting around the room and the new arrivals.  “Hey guys, you remember Jared and Jensen, right?”

Most of them nodded and waved.  Some of them, the ones who were mainly Doug’s friends and Jensen hadn’t seen since this time last year, raised an eyebrow in surprise over Jensen’s pregnancy but they managed a friendly nod of their heads.

Jamie, Doug’s sister, turned towards her brother.  “Wow, you weren’t kidding.  He’s like _really_ pregnant.”

“I’m right here, Jamie.  I can hear you talking about me.”  Jensen crossed his arms over his chest, forgetting how much the position emphasized his belly.

“Shit, Jensen, I’m sorry.  I haven’t seen you in four months and you’re like…you’re like… _really_ pregnant.  I’m sorry.  Congratulations, seriously.  When are you due?”  Jamie got up from her spot on the couch and gave Jensen a kiss on the cheek in greeting.

“You’re lucky you’re like a little sister to me.”  Smiling at the woman in front of him, Jensen messed with her hair the way he always had since he’d met Doug.  She huffed at him and swatted his hand away.  “I’m due today, actually.”

“Today!  You’re due today and you’re at my brother’s stupid Super Bowl party?”  Jamie’s eyes widened.

“Hey!”  Doug warned from across the room.  “It’s not stupid.”

Jamie stuck her tongue out at her brother.  “You know you’re crazy?  Right?  You always have the same foods and the same people here.”  Turning to Jensen, she put her hands on her hips.  “You do know he was freaking out that you and Jared weren’t here, right?  He was mumbling about tradition and jinxing the game…”

Jensen’s eyebrows peaked as he turned to Doug.  “You were upset Jared and I weren’t here?”

Doug tried to brush off the question like it wasn’t important.  “Yeah, well, it’s tradition and all.  You two are always here…so I wouldn’t want to mess with fate or anything.  It’s no big deal.”

“Aww, Doug, seriously, that’s romantic shit right there,” Jensen teased before looking at Jared.  “Jay, I think you have competition, I mean – ”

Jared pulled a face of mock sentiment.  “Aww, that’s so sweet.”

“It’s no big deal,” Doug stammered.  “Forget about it.  Okay?”

Scott peaked over Doug’s shoulder, carrying in a bowl of chips.  “He’s not going to forget about it.  He’s going to use it as ammunition forever.  You should know him better than that.”  Navigating his way through the crowded room, Scott deposited the chips on a table.  “Hi, Jen.”

“Hey.”  Jensen looked around the room, scanning for a place to plop himself.  “Care if I snag that spot on the couch…because the folding chairs…”

“Say no more.  I understand.  I’ve been pregnant before.  I get it.”  Scott nodded.

Doug reappeared from the kitchen holding a trash bag.

“What the fuck is that?”  Jensen eyed his friend.

“Put this down first.  It’s a new couch and I am never sitting on it again if your water breaks all over it.”

Jared snorted and almost spit out his mouthful of chips.  He tried to cover up his laughter by disguising it as a cough but couldn’t and let Jensen’s expression continue to make him laugh.

With a pointed glare, Jensen narrowed his eyes at Doug.  “I am not sitting on a trash bag.”

Scott grabbed Jensen’s elbow and ushered him towards the couch.  “He’s an ass.  You can sit anywhere you want, Jensen.”

“I always did like you better, Scott,” Jensen teased.

“Sure you did.”  After smiling at Jensen, Scott turned around and gave Doug a warning look.

Jared let out another snort of laughter before making his way through the room to join Jensen.  The couch was comfortable and deep, making it easy for them to settle in together.

Jensen stayed true to his words and stayed put, not complaining when Jared took it upon himself to serve his husband snacks and dinner.  It was nice to have Jared take care of him in a way that didn’t make him feel like he was suffocating.

At one point, Emmy got up from where she was playing with the other children and crawled into Jensen’s lap, curving around his bump and laying on him so sweetly that Jensen thought without a doubt that he could do this whole parenting thing.  Emmy was sweet and babbling to him, making it hard for Jensen to pick up much other than her version of “Uncle Jensen” and “baby”.  He locked eyes with Jared and knew they were on the same page.

The rest of the game was uneventful.  At one point it had become more about betting on which quarter Jensen would go into labor during than betting on the actual teams playing the game.  It got annoying but Jensen smiled and nodded, winning the betting himself when he swore there would be no baby till after the game was over.

Even then, after they got home, there was still no baby or any signs of one being born tonight.

Jensen wasn’t looking forward to another day of waiting tomorrow.

***********************

It turned out, Jared and Jensen’s baby wasn’t punctual.

Four days after his due date, Jensen was still pregnant and he was letting everyone know how miserable he was about that fact.

“Why the hell won’t she come out?”  Jensen sighed at his doctor, giving Ali a look that showed he demanded an answer.

“Would you like me to ask?”  Ali rolled her eyes.  “Listen, babies have their own agenda.  They come when they’re ready to.”  She softened her look and shook her head.  “I wish I had an answer but I can’t tell you exactly when you’ll go into labor on your own.  I have to take a look though.  I assume you know that.”

“Yeah.  I figured.  You might as well tell her to hurry up while you’re down there.”  Jensen let Ali part his legs.  He felt her slip a gloved finger inside him and tensed.

“Easy, I’m just checking to see if you dilated further.”  Ali gave her patient a sympathetic look.  “I’m sorry.  This part sucks, I know.  Trust me.  It’s going to be worth it in three days.”  She sucked in his lips I thought as she continued the examination.

“Three days?” Jared questioned.

“Yeah.  I’m not going to let Jensen go further than a week past his due date.  He’ll either go into labor on his own before then or we’ll schedule to have labor induced on Monday.  So, either way, in three days you will definitely have a baby.”

The news hit Jensen in the pit of his stomach.  Getting induced sounded a lot more invasive than he’d originally planned labor to be.  His eyes must have given away that knowledge to his husband because Jared was holding his hand more tightly and looking down at him.

“Are you okay?”  Jared rubbed his thumb over Jensen’s knuckles.

“I’m freaking out a little bit…I’m okay though…just…fuck…”  Jensen bit his lip and tried to compose himself.

“Oh, Jensen.”  Ali finished her exam and pulled up from her seat between Jensen’s legs.  She put a reassuring hand on her patient’s knee.  “I know it sound scary, but I’ll do the best I can to make sure it isn’t.  It’s just a matter of getting your contractions started and then hopefully your little one gets with the program.  I _swear_ I’ll take good care of you two.  You’ll be fine.  That’s my job, right?  That’s the deal we made?”

Jensen swallowed and took a calming breath.  “Yeah, I know, it’s just – ”

“A lot.  I know.”  She put her hands on Jensen’s middle and smiled.  “You’re still only two centimeters but the baby is head down.  Everything is perfect.  You’re good to go so things could happen on their own.”

“Can we, um, help it happen?”  Jared asked.

“You can try.  Some midwives swear by castor oil.  You can try walking more but don’t push yourself to the point where you stress the baby out.  Some people say spicy foods worked for them.  And then there is always sex.”  Her tone became playful at the end as she smiled at her patients.  Taking in Jensen’s ‘are you shitting me’ face, she laughed and shook her head.  “Okay, so maybe not the last one, but you can try the others.  They are harmless if they don’t work.”

Jared nodded.  “Okay, we can try that.”

“Either way, I am going to schedule you to come into the hospital in three days.  Don’t freak out about that.  I just want to make sure we have the room booked in case you don’t get things moving on your own.”

“Okay,” Jensen said.  He had a due date now, one that took things out of his baby’s hands.  That made things infinitely more real.  “Jay, we’re going to that Indian restaurant I like on the way home”

*********************

Jensen couldn’t believe he was about to do what he was planning.  Un-pregnant Jensen would never do something like this.

Pregnant Jensen, however, was at his wits ends and needed to be un-pregnant Jensen again and _soon_.

He had tried Castor oil, gagged on it and threw it up in the sink.  He tried it again, finally swallowing it but finding that even though he took the recommended dosages, nothing had happened in two days.

He’d been eating anything spicy that he could get his hands on but all it seemed to do was give him indigestion and make Jared adverse to kissing him.  Still, he ate it every day since Ali made the suggestion.

Though slower, he never stopped giving Daisy her daily walks.  Since yesterday, he doubled his efforts and took her on longer strolls through the neighborhood with Jared by his side.

It had been two days of walking, Castor oil and spicy food and Jensen felt just as he did on Super Bowl Sunday, only more nauseous and tired.

The pressure of his child being head down was intense and it made him uncomfortable most of the time and freaked out the rest of the time.

Making his way up the stairs to Jared’s office, Jensen knocked once before stepping inside.  “Hey, baby.”

Jared spun around in his office chair and Jensen’s heart fluttered.  He was wearing those stupid sexy glasses and Jensen just about lost the nerve to ask what he wanted to ask.  Those glasses made him want to do naughty bad things to Jared and that wasn’t exactly what he had in mind when he walked into the office.

“Hi, Jen.  What’s up?”

“Nothing.”  He walked over to Jared and toyed with a piece of paper he had in his hand.  “So, um, I was doing some research on line and I had an idea.”

“Oh, yeah?”  Jared smiled and reached out a hand to toy with the one dangling loosely at Jensen’s side. 

“Yeah.  So…um…here.”  He thrust the paper in Jared’s face, shifting uncomfortably as his husband took the paper.

Jared gave his husband a confused look before turning his attention to the paper and scanning it.  He balked when the words sank in, pulling himself straight in the chair.  “Really?”

“Yeah, um…well…”  Jensen stammered as he broke eye contact and nervously looked at the corners of the room.

“You want me to have sex with you?”  Jared almost choked on his words in disbelief.

“That’s the idea.”  Jensen looked at the ceiling and cleared his thoughts.  “I’m just…I really done being pregnant and it says sex can trigger labor so I figured we could give it a go because…”  He tripped over his words and made a gesture towards the paper.  “There is something in your sperm that can get my cervix to soften up and dilate so…”  Getting frustrated with Jared blankly staring at him, Jensen scoffed.  “Will you just fuck me?”

“Well when you ask like that, how can I say no?” Jared mocked.

“Jay, I’m being serious.”

Putting the paper down, Jared got to his feet.  “Are you sure, Jen?  Because…we weren’t very good at it last time we tried it that way and I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know.”  Jensen closed his eyes and knocked their foreheads together.  “I trust you though.  We can go slow…not like I can do much else.”

“You _sure_ you want to do this?”

“Unless you don’t think you can.”  Jensen smirked, pushing past the discomfort of the situation and falling into his usual mentality.

“Oh, I can.  Trust me, I can.”  Jared pressed a soft kiss to Jensen’s lips.  “You have no idea what you do to me.”

“Okay, so we’ll try this.  It can be a means to an end, right?  We don’t have to make a whole production out of it.”  Jensen planted his own kiss to Jared’s lips and lingers there, nibbling against his husband’s mouth.

“Yeah, okay.”  Shifting, Jared’s arms loosely draped around Jensen’s back, keeping them fitted together while he moaned into the deepening kiss.

They stood in the office kissing and groping each other for a while.  Jensen felt very un-sexy at the moment but he could tell by the way Jared was responding to each kiss and touch that his husband didn’t seem to think so.  He couldn’t believe that he’d just propositioned his husband for sex and not just any sex, sex where he was very much the bottom.

It was another thing to add to the list of things Jensen swore he’d never do but found himself acting on them anyway.

The time they spent apart from each other while they made their way to their bedroom and lost their clothing was awkward.  They shared a handful of nervous glances and hesitant attempts to find a position that worked but in the end found themselves lying on the bed, Jared spooning up behind Jensen so that the pregnant man could rest his belly on his body pillow.

Normally, the position wouldn’t have put Jensen on edge but he knew what was coming in the near future and it made him tense.

Picking up on the shift in his husband's body language, Jared placed slow kisses to the nape of Jensen’s neck.  His lips caught on the curve of his neck and dragged downward, peppering kisses to his shoulders and back up again.  It was lazy and slow, each kiss strong enough to get how much Jared cared for him across to Jensen.

Jensen let out a happy moan when Jared’s skilled hands started massaging into his tired muscles.  They moved from his neck, to his shoulder blades and down to his lower back without rushing.

As much as Jensen loved it, he tried to rush things along by nudging backwards into Jared’s groin.

“Shh, Jen.  Let this be about you, okay?  We’ll get there,” Jared mumbled into Jensen’s neck.  He kissed him softly behind the ear and kept up the massaging.

Soon, Jensen felt like he was putty, molded into whatever Jared felt like making out of him.  He was loose and relaxed, responding to every one of Jared’s touches and loving that he’d married a massage therapist.

Jared slid a hand down Jensen’s spine, toying with the muscles over the cleft in his ass before slipping one finger between each cheek and teasing the tight coil of muscle there.

Like clockwork, Jensen tensed but Jared’s movements were so slow and gentle that he let himself relax into them, even start to crave them.  The touch was gone for a moment but Jared’s finger returns with a slickness to it that made it easy for him to start to push his way inside, gently curling at the furled rim of the muscle and asking for permission to get inside.

Jensen opened up for him, putting one foot flat to the bed and bending his leg at the knee.

Jared took the invitation.  He worked his finger in, waiting for the responsive twitch of Jensen’s insides to coax him further.  Still keeping up in lavishing Jensen’s back with kisses, Jared spent enough time drawing out each slide of his finger.  He moved slowly, stroking Jensen’s insides so gently that Jensen moaned in want of more.

Whatever reservations Jensen had about his moment, they seemed to be put on hold because he shifted closer to Jared’s hand and sighed.  His sigh grew deeper when Jared added a second finger.  There was initial resistance in the tight muscle but Jared kept up his petting motion until Jensen let him in with a groan.

Jensen could feel the heat of Jared pressing into his back.  He felt his husband’s breath coast over of the shell of his ear with a familiar tremble to it.  Jared was aroused and that fact had Jensen’s heart thumping in his chest.

They’d played around like this before.  Jared liked to take some of the control Jensen usually held and tease him slowly till they both fell apart.  It was different but it was good.  Right now, Jared was moving his fingers perfectly and Jensen’s dick twitched to life.  “More, Jare…”

“Yeah?”  Jared sucked at Jensen’s earlobe and let out a sigh of pleasure.

“Mmm hmm.”  Shaking his head, Jensen pressed into the pillow as Jared made good on his request.  He felt his husband’s third finger slip in alongside the others.   He groaned and lost the ability to speak when Jared slid up against something inside of him.  He felt like flipping Jared over and fucking him silly.  He’d do it too, if he could.  Instead, Jared laughed low and husky in his ear and elicited another groan out of him.

“Good, huh?”  Jared curled his fingers, teasing more happy sighs out of his husband.

“Good.”  Jensen opened his legs wider, letting Jared’s hand work.

There were things Jared and Jensen both knew about making their partner fall apart.  Jared’s using all of that knowledge now, making a slow draw of his fingers while he brushed against Jensen’s prostate.  Jensen’s not 100% into internal stimulation but sometimes just the right amount was good.

Thankful, today was one of those times.

Jensen’s eyes popped wide and he made a dirty growl.  He didn’t put up a fight as Jared’s fingers kept up their conquest.  Instead, he let out a wrecked moan and let his head flop down to the pillow.  He tried to stifle them but it was useless.  Jared kept them coming in strong force.

There were words on the tip of Jensen’s tongue but he couldn’t get them out.  He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to hear himself say them, if he was ready to hear himself falling apart because Jared’s fingering him open.  He decided it was safer to let them go unsaid as he writhed backwards in want of more.  He wasn’t the only one surprised by that fact.  Jared took a pleasantly surprised intake of air and groaned in Jensen’s ear.

Jared’s fingers were careful and precise, working Jensen open gently.  He was slow enough not to push Jensen’s comfort level and stir his husband’s arousal so that Jensen was begging for it rather than having it forced upon him.

Laughing, the words felt alien on Jensen’s tongue when they came out.  “Fuck me.”

A sound of acknowledgement came from low in Jared’s throat.  He pulled back enough to slick up his own dick, pumping himself several times with a tight fist, thumb rolling over the bead of precome forming on the tip.  With one hand, he kept Jensen spread open and lined up his arousal in wait at his husband’s entrance.  “You sure?”

“Yeah.  I…yeah.”  Jensen nodded and bit his lip, hissing when Jared finally did press forward.

There was no rush to Jared’s movements.  He pushed in slowly, letting Jensen sink his weight back at his own readiness.  He looked down to see his husband’s body slowly take him in and he shook like he was about to come right then and there.  “Fuck, Jensen…you.”

“Shh, don’t talk.”  Jensen closed his eyes and focused on not pulling away.  He kept up his backwards press until he was flush with Jared’s hips and felt so full he thought he could taste his husband’s dick.

They didn’t move for a minute, though Jensen could tell by the slight twitches in Jared’s hips that it was a struggle for his husband.

Jared’s hands held onto Jensen’s hips to steady both of them and Jensen focused on that connection.  He could feel Jared breathing into his hair, pressed kisses there ever few breaths.  The stretch hurt but it was edging on the side of being good.  Jared was clearly loving it, making Jensen’s body hum with the fact because at his core Jensen always cared most about making Jared happy.

With an experimental roll of his hips both men let out a strangled moan.

“Okay, go.”  Jensen let out a gasp.  “Move.”

Jared hesitated, fingers curling nervously into Jensen’s hip.

“Jared, move.  Now,” Jensen ordered, taking control of the situation himself and grinding back onto Jared before lifting off.

Taking Jensen’s lead, Jared sprang into action.  Pulling his hips back, Jared almost let himself slip from Jensen’s body, stopping just before the head of his dick hit the air.  He made another slow push in, fitting himself as deeply as he can before repeating the process.  They keep up the routine until Jensen’s pained noises become more pleasurable and Jared hiked Jensen’s bent knee up further so he could sink deeper.

What was happening did crazy things to Jensen’s brain before he couldn’t believe things were starting to feel good.  Not good in the way it felt when he fucked Jared but good in a different way that he could save for infrequent occasions.  Jared’s hips were picking up on an easy rhythm and Jensen followed him there, pushing back with the next thrust of his husband’s hips.

Dropping Jensen’s leg, Jared got his hand on his husband’s dick.  He hummed happily when he found it to be hard and straining against the bed sheets.  It made his heart speed up and he crushes a kiss to Jensen’s neck.  “I love you.”  Curling his fist around the organ, Jared starts to pump Jensen’s dick in time with the rhythm of his hips.  He twisted his hips differently and saw stars.

“Fuck, Jared, _there_!”  He felt Jared moving inside of him, dragging against the tightness of his entrance and it made him tremble.  Jensen almost clawed up the bed but Jared had him exactly where he needed to be and the minute his husband did that same twist again, he was coming all over Jared’s fist with ragged gasps for air.

“Oh my god, that’s hot.”  Jared’s words were stained as he worked his dick inside Jensen’s tightening muscle.  It was overwhelming.  Wrapping his free hand around Jensen’s distended middle, he kept thrusting and started losing his composure.  He shivered, rolled his hips, pressed a lingering kiss to the back of Jensen’s neck and went over the edge, coming with a shout as he fixed himself inside his husband.

They’re too lost to what just happened for a few minutes, both falling limply to the bed but staying on their sides, practically cemented to each other.

Breaking the silence, Jared skimmed an exploratory hand over Jensen’s body.  “Did I hurt you?”

“No.”  Jensen panted into the pillow and waited for enough blood to return to his brain so he could elaborate.  “No.  I’m good.  We’re good.”  Jared was still inside him and while it was _weird_ , it wasn’t bad.  “Fuck, Jared…that was…”

“You liked it?”  There was a hint of hope in Jared’s voice as he brushed a sweaty plait of hair out of his face.

“Yeah.”  Jensen reached back and searched blindly for Jared’s hand.  Finding it, he squeezed tightly.  “It was good.  It was different but good.”

Jared made a proud snort.

“Don’t get too used to that, Jay.  I said it was good.”  Jensen laughed into the pillow.

“Can we try to make it great?”  Jared nuzzled he forehead into Jensen’s back and sighed.

The thought made goose bumps rise on his the back of Jensen’s neck.  He wasn’t sure if he could see that happen.  If he had things his way, if he had the control, then there was a possibility. “Maybe.”

They let the words fall away, filling the room with their panting and thumping hearts.

“So…anything going on with the baby?” Jared asked.

“Nope.”  Jensen snorted.  He didn’t think there’d be results quickly but he thought maybe he’d feel something.  The baby was still quiet, making her presence known with small movements but for the most part, she was calm.

Jensen looked down at his belly and frowned.  “Come on, kid.  I’m running out of options over here.”

***********************

Though he was a little sore from what he and Jared had just done an hour ago, Jensen felt pretty good.

His middle was feeling cramped but he was up for taking Daisy out for a walk before dinner. He was up for anything with the chance of putting him into labor.

Turning the corner at the end of their street, Jensen felt the wind knock out of him.  “Ugh!”  His eyes went wide with pain as he gasped again.

“Jen, what?”  Jared was in front of his husband in one swift move, trying to assess the situation. Daisy barked before nervously whining and pawing at Jensen's feet.

“Here.”  Jensen reached out and pushed Daisy’s leash into Jared’s hand so he could lean forward and support himself by pressing both palms to his knees.  He let out a loud huff, taken back by what had just happened.

Jared held onto Daisy’s leash dumbly, staring at his husband with a puzzled look of concern.  “Jensen?”

Still hunched over, Jensen locked eyes with Jared.  “My water just broke.”

 


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: GRAPHIC BIRTH, cursing, schmoopy end, cute baby

Jensen was seriously starting to rethink his determination in trying to get his labor to start because being in the middle of a contraction was not fun at all.

He never thought contractions would be fun but the thought of getting to have another day without them was starting to sound more appealing.

Groaning, he buried his head into the pillow and practically growled through the whole duration of the contraction.  His middle cramped up like he’d never felt before and he wasn’t used to letting everyone watch him while in so much pain.  At the current moment, everyone was whittled down to just Jared which wasn’t terrible.  He knew, however, _they’d_ be back.  He knew the nurses and the doctor on call at the hospital would be back to poke him, check him, and made him feel a little like a lab rat.

“How’re you doing?”  Jared ran a hand through Jensen’s hair.

“I’m okay.  It’s not terrible.  Just…uncomfortable.”  Looking at his husband, Jensen forced a smile to which Jared gave his own sweet relieved smile.  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because I love you.”

He couldn’t stop the scoff that came as a response.  “I hope so.”  When he tried smiling again, Jensen ended up scrunching his face in discomfort.  “God this kid is killing my back.”

“Where?”  Leaning forward on his chair, Jared slid his hand under Jensen and ran it down his spine until he got to the small of his back.  “Here?”

“Higher,”  Jensen complained.  When Jared moved his hand up, his fingers practically landed on the exact spot.  “There.  It feels like she is just pushing on my spine.”

“Maybe I can help.  Wanna roll onto your side?  I can try rubbing your back and working out some of the tension.”

“Yeah, anything.  It’s like constant pain and then the contractions come and,” he let his words drop off with an explosion like hand gesture, sighed, and grabbed the bed’s railing as he rolled onto his side.

Jared’s hands were on him as quickly as possible.  Sliding them under the opening of Jensen’s hospital gown, he worked his fingers into the tense muscles.  He massaged the laboring man in silence for several minutes before hearing Jensen inhale sharply.  “Is this okay?”

“Yeah.”  Jensen closed his eyes and moaned. 

“That doesn’t sound okay.”

“I’m just…I’m contracting harder I think.  It…oww!”  Looking down at his middle like it was the enemy, Jensen scowled.  “Okay, that one hurt.”  It wasn’t the first time he thought his body had betrayed him but it was definitely the most painful time.  He didn’t know what to make of it and that made him nervous.

“I’m sorry, Jen.”  Jared let his hands leave his husband’s back for a moment so that he could run them over the tightness in Jensen’s middle.  “Aww, baby, you getting squished in there?”

“Seriously, Jare?  I’m about to push this kid out of an opening so small I don’t even want to think about it and you’re worried about her?”  He snorted.  Just mentioning pushing their kid out made a shiver of fear run through his body.  He wasn’t stupid, he knew what was going to happen.  He and Ali had talked about it in depth, more depth than he ever thought he needed, and they had a plan.  They had a plan that included drugs and no cheesy cheerleading nurses telling him to push with cheery smiles on their faces.  The plan, so far, wasn’t in effect.  Right now, Jensen’s plan was to dilate enough to get his epidural and any other drugs they’d pump him with.  Then he would think about the reality of actually delivering his baby.  Still, it was terrifying.  “We can do this, right, Jay?”  Like every time he’d said it before, his wording was deliberate.  Nothing he’d done in the last year had been a one person operation and he needed to make sure Jared believed that.  Everything he’d done had been hinged on teamwork with Jared.

“Of course we can do this, Jen.”  Returning his hands to Jensen’s spine, helping him through his back labor, Jared leaned forward and kissed the nape of his husband’s neck.  “Think about how much we’ve already done?  Of course we can do this.  You’ve never let me down, I doubt that is going to suddenly change.”  An excited noise left his mouth.  “Plus, we’re going to have a baby today, Jensen.”

Jensen didn’t say anything.  He felt the weight of the last statement and everything that was riding on him actually giving birth to a healthy baby.  The only thing in life that terrified Jensen more than going through a pregnancy was letting his husband down.  He’d lived his life working hard to succeed in anything he tried and the thought of coming up empty after getting this far made his blood turn cold.  Fear dug its claws in, making Jensen shiver again.

“Are you cold?”

“No, I…”  Jensen shivered more forcefully.  He felt panic rising up, quickening his pulse.  “I’m…” Clawing at the bed, he struggled to push himself upright.  “I’m going to be sick.”  There was a sick wet feeling in his mouth as his stomach churned and clenched.

“Shit, Jen!”  Jared caught sight of the familiar look on Jensen’s face and scrambled to find something for his husband to throw up into.  Finding a small waste bin, he held it in front of Jensen just in time to catch Jensen’s first wave of sickness.  “Shh, Jensen, it’s okay.”  He tried to act as a source of steady support when Jensen grabbed onto him and ran a soothing hand over Jensen’s back as he retched one last time.

“It’s not okay.  It’s…oh god.”  Jensen put both hands on his stomach and felt his child shift.  Whatever was happening to his middle hurt way worse than a few moments ago.  “It’s not.”

“Yes it is,” Jared reassured while he put the waste bin back on the ground.

“No, it’s not!  _I_ fucking hurt.  _It hurts_.  It’s not going to stop hurting for a long time and ugh…”  Jensen squeezed his eyes shut and rolled his hips.  “And where’s Daisy?”

The last question prompted an immediate laugh.

“And now you’re laughing at me.”  Glowering at his husband, Jensen tried to ride out the contraction.  “Not the best timing for that, Jay.”

Jared tried to swallow his laugh but couldn’t hide the smile on his face.  “Come on Jensen, you’d laugh too.  You’re in the middle of a contraction and you’re worried about the dog.”

“Yes!  Yes, I’m worried about the dog!”  Jensen shot a look at Jared and realized how insane he probably sounded.  His words were barbed with anger that shouldn’t have been there but Jensen was feeling too irritable to care.  “I’m worried about _everything_.”

“Daisy’s fine.  I called your parents while you were getting admitted.  They’re going to feed her dinner before heading over here.  After you have the baby they’re going to go pick her up and take her home with them for a few days while you’re in the hospital.  She’ll be fine. You know your dad spoils her.”  He ran a hand though Jensen’s hair.  “She’s okay.”

“It’s just…she’s…”  Emotions spilled over from nowhere and Jensen had no idea what was happening.  He swore he was furious seconds ago but now he felt like he was on the verge of tears.  “She’s our baby and now we’re going to have a new one and what if she hates us?  What if she hates the baby?  What if we have to get rid of her because she’s horrible to our kid?”  He wiped at his eyes and felt like an alien had taken over his body.  He thought, in some ways, a human alien had invaded his body and it was desperately and painfully trying to get out.  Though is reaction embarrassed him, he couldn’t stop it, it was like a train on a set course.

“Woah, Jensen.”  Jared blinked in surprise at Jensen’s out of character rant.  “Daisy isn’t going to hate us or the baby.  She’s great with kids.  We talked about this a million times.  And she’s not going to resent us.  Jen, this isn’t something you should be worrying about.”

“You’re right.  I should be worrying about if our baby’s heart is messed up, or if I can’t do this and I mess up somehow.  I can’t let you down, Jared.  _I can’t._ ”

“Hey.”  Grabbing Jensen’s hand, Jared took a seat on the edge of the bed.  “Listen, I know I’m not good at this.  I’ve been getting better but you’ve always been the one strong enough to keep us from falling apart.  But, you’re going to be great.  You always are.  You’re not going to let me down.  You never have and never will.”  He reached up to wipe away a tear lingering on Jensen’s bottom lashes.

Looking up at the ceiling, Jensen huffed loudly.  “God, I feel like I’m going crazy.  I just want her out so we can know that she’s healthy.”  He turned towards Jared and shrugged in surrender to the onslaught of emotions running though him.  “I’m sorry.  I just…I can’t help it.  I feel…I feel… _everything_.”  The jumble of emotions in Jensen’s head made him dizzy.  He ran a hand over his middle, sliding down low to where he knew his baby’s head was.  “Am I crazy?”

“You’re having a baby.  I’d probably be worse.”

Jensen had to laugh.  “Oh, you would be!  Seriously…you…”  Like he’d won some secret battle, like being able to hold it together more than Jared somehow secured the roles they played in their relationship, Jensen smiled.  “You would be.”  He saw Jared’s eyes grow sadder for a moment and realized he shouldn’t have lingered on the hypothetical situation of Jared having a baby.  “I’m sorry Jay, I…”

“It’s fine.”  A genuine smile covered up any sadness Jared may have been feeling.  “You’re doing this and I’m so lucky that you are.”  Twisting to the side, he grabbed a plastic cup with a straw.  “You want something to drink?”

“Yeah.”  Jensen grabbed the cup and took a long drink.  “She’s going to be okay, right?  I mean, her heart…the spot was shrinking…”

Jared put both hands on Jensen’s middle.  “He feels alright to me.  Still kicking you even though you’re probably uncomfortable enough.”

A nurse came into the room, making Jensen sit upright and pretend he wasn’t just having a touchy feely moment with his husband.

“How are you doing Mr. Ackles?  I’m Kerri, it’s nice to meet you.”  She grabbed Jensen’s chart and shot him a smile.  “When they admitted you, you were at three centimeters, let’s see where you’re at now, okay?”

“I’m guessing more than three because these contractions fucking hurt.”  Jensen tried to hold himself together even though the pressure in his hips made him want to moan into the pillow and pant like an idiot.  He tensed his muscles, subconsciously fighting the nurse when she tried to swing his legs up into the stirrups.

“Jen, you gotta let her take a look.”  Jared’s hand on Jensen’s knee was supportive and calming.

The nurse gave Jensen’s leg a firmer pull and finally got it into the stirrup before moving to do the same with the other.  “Don’t worry sweetie, lots of people get nervous.  Everything that’s going on?  Well, it’s natural.”

Jensen groaned at the term of endearment.  He barely knew this woman and the nickname made him prickle with discomfort.  This was exactly why he liked Ali and her straight to the point conversations.  Besides, nothing about what was happening felt natural.  It felt very _unnatural_.  He’d gotten used to Ali poking around down there, but having someone other than Jared over there wasn’t natural for Jensen.  And the whole concept of dilating wasn’t natural to him either.  The whole thought of things thinning out and muscles stretching just for a onetime event made Jensen apologize to his body for making it do something he promised he’d never do.  There was the feeling of a gloved finger examining him and Jensen squeezed his eyes closed.

“Looks like you were right.  You’re a little over four.  Almost to active labor.”  Kerri pulled off her gloves and tossed them in the bin, noticing Jensen had been sick.  “You feeling nauseous?”

“A little.  When the contractions hit.”  Jensen pulled his legs together and tried to sink deeper into the bed.

“That’s natural too.  Don’t feel ashamed about it.  It happens to a lot of people.”  She gave another smile and it was so saccharine sweet that Jensen felt nauseous even without the help of a contraction.  He was sure that Kerri was a nice woman but her attitude was not what he needed right now.  He needed to the point, scientific instructions.  He could work with those.  He’d never shied away from hard work before in his life and if people just talked to him like the man he was, then maybe he wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable under Kerri’s nicknames and smile.

“Can I get drugs now?  Please?”  Jensen asked as he crossed both arms over his chest.

Kerri nodded.  “I want to have Dr. Albin check you out first, but I don’t think that will be a problem.”

“Dr. Albin?  Where’s Ali – Dr. Carlson – where is she?  She’s my doctor, she’s supposed to deliver our baby.”  Planting both hands on his swollen middle, Jensen glared at the nurse smiling at him.

“Oh, um, Dr. Carlson isn’t on call today.  We tried her office but she’s out.  Don’t worry, though, Dr. Albin is just as experienced as Dr. Carlson.  He’s been delivering babies at this hospital for ten years.”

“I don’t care what Dr. Albin has been doing and for how long.  This kid isn’t coming out until Dr. Carlson gets here.”  Jensen threw a defiant look at the nurse.

Shaking her head, Kerri gave the pregnant man an apologetic smile.  “I’m sorry Mr. Ackles.  We’re going to keep trying to contact her but your labor is progressing nicely.  You can’t stop that baby from being born whether we find her or not.” 

“Watch me.”  There was no way Jensen was letting his body dilate any further until he was looking face to face with Ali.  That just wasn’t going to happen.  His kid was going to have to stay put.  Hell, Ali wasn’t supposed to induce him till tomorrow.  Keeping the baby in for an extra day would be perfectly safe.

Kerri looked at Jared and raised her eyebrows.  “Is he serious?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”  Jared bit his lip and returned her look with a shrug while she stepped out of the room.

Jensen grabbed his husband’s hand.  “Jared, baby, I will do anything for you.  I swear.  But I’m not having this kid unless Ali gets here.  I can’t.”  He thought for a second.  “Give me your phone.”

“What?”

“Give me your phone!”  Jensen made a grabbing motion towards Jared.

“Okay! Okay!”  Jared slapped his phone into Jensen’s palm.

Jensen’s fingers dialed the numbers quickly before he pressed it to his ear.  The call went to Ali’s voicemail but he hung up before her message service finished and dialed the number again.  He repeated the process three times before Ali picked up the call.

“ _Jensen?_ ”  Ali’s voice was hushed.

“Yeah, hi.  Where the hell are you?”

“ _My cousin’s wedding.  What’s going on_?”

Jensen tried to answer but a contraction seized his body and he groaned into the phone, puffing a pained breath directly into the phone’s receiver.  “Nngh.”

“ _Jensen?  You there_?”

“Yeah, sorry…mother fucker…contraction…” His sentence dwindled off into shallow pants and another groan.

“ _Contraction_?”  Ali gasped as the word sunk in.  “ _Like a contraction, **contraction**_?”

“Mmm hmm.”  Jensen squeezed the phone harder than he should have, pressing the hard case into his palm.  “A real one.  Real ones actually.”

“ _Shit_.”  There was a mumble of noises on Ali’s side of the conversation.  “ _Where are you_?”

“The hospital,” Jensen closed his eyes to focus himself but the pain made it hard for him to think straight.  “God, talk to Jared.”  He blindly passed the phone back to Jared and concentrated on dealing with the rest of the contraction.

In his rush to get it to his ear, Jared almost dropped the phone.  “Hey, Ali.  We’re at the hospital.  They’ve been trying to reach you.  Jensen’s water broke a few hours ago and he’s more than four centimeters dilated.  You need to get here.  Please?  We can’t do this without you.  He _won’t_ do this without you.”

“ _Shit, I’m coming…oof!_ ”  There was a thump and a muffled curse that came through the line.

“You okay?”  Jared asked, eyes widening with concern,

“ _Tripped.  Fine._ ”  Ali snorted and spoke to someone on her side of the line.  “ _Excuse me.  Sorry, excuse me._ ”  She made a tripping nose again before her voice returned to the receiver and Jared could hear her clearly.  “ _I’m coming, okay?  Maybe thirty minutes._ ”

“Okay.”  Fidgeting in his chair, Jared took a deep breath.  “Okay, good.  Thanks.”

“ _It’s my job, remember?  And Jared?_ ” 

“Yeah?”

“ _It’s going to be fine.  You and Jensen are going to do great.  Just hang in there._ ”  Ali’s voice was as it always was, confident enough to make Jared believe her words.

“Okay.”  Jared nodded dumbly and disconnected the call.  “She’ll be here in a half hour.”

Jensen sighed and fell back against the bed.  “I love that woman.”

“Should I be worried?” Jared questioned as he ran a hand through Jensen’s hair.

“Considering she’s not the one who’s responsible for putting me in this much pain?  Yes.  I’d be.”  Jensen snorted and smirked enough to let part of his true personality out.

Jared returned the smirk.  “You can hate me all you want.  I’ll still think you’re amazing.”

“Good to know.”  Looking at the clock, Jensen hoped that Ali would keep her word and be there by six o’clock.

The clock ended up being the one thing Jensen did manage to focus on as the minutes ticked by and the contractions got more intense.  Whatever active labor was, Jensen decided he was in it.  Everything hurt more.  It was more intense and the contractions were definitely spaced closer together.

“Jared, Jared, Jared, Jared! Fuck!”  Curling onto his side, Jensen snarled into the pillow and let out pained sounds he swore he’d never make in public.

“What?  Your back?”  Jared got on his feet and started rubbing Jensen’s back through the contraction.  He kept up a steady pressure but Jensen still groaned through the whole thing while Jared kept his eyes focused on the machine measuring the peaks and lows of Jensen’s contractions.  “Shh, Jen, doing good.”

“Augh!”  The shout left Jensen’s mouth just as the contraction hit its peak and Jensen writhed on the bed.  It felt like his spine was being compressed at the same time as his middle.  “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Tell me what to do, Jen?  I don’t know what to do.  I want to help you but I don’t know what to do for you.  You want me to get a doctor?”  Jared’s voice sounded frantic and helpless as he floundered for something to do.

Grabbing Jared’s hand, Jensen shook his head.  “No. No.  No doctor.  You.  Please?”  He couldn’t figure out how to get across what he was feeling.  He simultaneously wanted Jared to touch him and keep the fuck away from him.  He thought the massaging wasn’t helping but the minute Jared stopped the pain in his back flared up even worse.  “Don’t stop.  I need you to keep doing that thing to my back.”

“Okay.”  Jared’s hands were shaking but he kept up his massaging.  “It’s okay.  Almost done, Jen.”  He worked over the tight muscles.  “Come on baby, get off your daddy’s spine.”

Weird false hate filled Jensen’s body and he wanted to lash out at Jared.  He was in his own mind enough, however, to hold back.  He didn’t hate Jared at all.  In fact, he loved his husband so much for sticking with him and working with him to cope with the contractions which seemed to go from painful to excruciating.

Coming out of the contraction left Jensen exhausted but he was cognizant enough to realize Ali should have been there fifteen minutes ago.  “Where’s Ali?”  He looked towards Jared and saw his husband looking at him in awe.  “What?”

“The same thing as last time.  It’s just…watching you do this…you’re so fucking strong.”  He kept rubbing Jensen’s back, even as the tension in his middle lessened.

“Please keep telling me that.  I feel so fucking pathetic right now.  I mean, our kid isn’t even born yet and she is kicking my ass.”  Jensen sighed and rolled to face Jared but looked past him when he saw a familiar face entering the room.  “Ali, thank fucking god!”

Ali smiled, putting her hands on her hips.  The knee length black waist cinching cocktail dress she was wearing was drastically different than her medical coat and took both men by surprise.  “What, were you two trying to start the party without me?”  Despite her attempt to play things cool, her chest was rising and falling rapidly enough to let on that she’d been running.  “You couldn’t just wait for tomorrow, could you?”

Jensen shrugged.  “You know me, I’m a rebel.”  He tried to put some enthusiasm behind his words but he was too relieved to see Ali to let anything else across.  “You look nice.”  Each word was spaced out by a long exhale of breath.

Confused for a moment, Ali looked down at her dress before meeting Jensen’s eyes again.  “Oh, yeah, thanks.  I’ll go change into something more appropriate in a minute.  I just wanted to check on you first.  Shall we?”  She made a nod of her head to the area between Jensen’s legs.

“Yeah.  I never thought I’d actually be happy to have a woman between my legs.”  Laying back, Jensen let Ali manipulate his legs with ease.  “I’m sorry about ruining your night at the wedding.”

Ali snorted.  “Oh please, I didn’t even want to be there anyway.  Family obligations and all.” She made a dismissive wave with her hand.  “This show promises to be a lot more exciting.”  She tugged on a pair of gloves and situated herself at the edge of the bed.  “Can you scoot down a little?  Perfect.”  She delved into her exam, screwing her lips to the side in concentration.  “So, you two took trying to start labor pretty seriously, huh?”  She threw Jared a look.  “Did he make you get spicy food every night?”

Jared nodded but didn’t take his eyes off Jensen.  “And every afternoon.  And we tried the Castor Oil and walking all hours of the day.  And the sex –”  Jared took a sudden intake of breath and tried to swallow the last words.

With a surprised exclamation, Ali’s eyebrows popped up.  “Sex?  Really?”  She gave the men a sly smirk and raised her eyebrows again, this time giving Jensen a surprised look.  “Well, whatever you two did, it worked.  You’re practically six.  How’re you feeling?”

“His back is killing him,” Jared answered.

“I’m right here, Jay.  I can still talk.”  Jensen narrowed his eyes at his husband before turning his gaze to Ali.  “It’s getting more intense.  And Jared’s right, my back is killing me.”

Tearing her gloves off, Ali worked her hands over Jensen’s middle in searching movements.  Pushing firmly enough, her exam made Jensen purse his lips in discomfort.  “Yeah, the baby’s really low but it’s slightly posterior.  Its knees are probably putting pressure on your spine.  We’re going to try to get it to spin and help alleviate some of that pain.  I’m not worried about it but I’m sorry you’re hurting so much.”  She gave a knowing look to her patient.  “You still want that epidural we talked about?”

“Hell.  Yes.”  Jensen nodded feverously.  “I can still have one, right?”

“Yeah, if you want it to be in effect in time to actually deliver then you have to get it now.  I’ve got to pull some strings considering how fast everything is moving, but there are one or two anesthesiologists who owe me a favor.”  Ali helped unhook Jensen’s legs from the stirrups.  “Whatever you two have been doing to get this far, keep going.  I’m going to put in the request for that epidural and change into some scrubs and we can get a move on this.  Sound good?”

Both men nodded and watched her scurry out of the room.

Jared massaged Jensen through three more moaning, groaning contractions before a man introduced himself.  Jensen didn’t bother to pay attention to the man’s name but did hear the word anesthesiologist.  Jensen didn’t think he had ever been happier to see another man in his life, and that was saying something.

“Someone order an epidural?”  The man got himself situated in the room.

“Can I have three?”  Jensen threw the man a grateful look before groaning and burying his head in Jared’s neck.

“Trust me.  One will do the trick.  From what Dr. Carlson told me, I think we have to move fast.  She went over everything with you prior to this today, right?”  The anesthesiologist waited for Jensen’s nod before starting to set up a medical tray of instruments.  “Good.  I’d rather rush through the explanation of what I’m doing than the act of inserting the needle itself.  You think you can sit up for me?”

Jensen nodded.  He needed Jared to help him but he managed to get his legs swung over the side of the bed, splaying them so that Jared could stand between them.  He looped his arms around Jared’s neck and leaned his complete weight into his husband.

“Okay.  It’s going to sting but after that it will feel better right away.  I’m going to swab the area with iodine, I’ll give you a local anesthetic and then I’m going to insert the needle and put a catheter in place.  The nurses are going to monitor the baby’s heart rate to make sure you react well to the medicine and if all is good, then I will give you a regular dose and hopefully send your pain packing for a while.  Sound good?”

“Very good.”  Jensen hadn’t realized two nurses had entered the room with the anesthesiologists but they seemed to be moving in a flurry of activity in preparation for what was to come.

“Okay.  Good.  All you need to do is stay very still, even if you have a contraction.  Hang onto your husband.”

Jensen nodded, letting his forehead fall to Jared’s shoulder.  He felt the man swab the area and numb it slightly, but as soon as he felt the larger needle, his stomach tensed up in a contraction.

“Hold it, Jensen.  You’re doing good,” the anesthesiologist praised.

Jared got a better hold on Jensen, holding up most of his weight.  “Shh, Jen.  I’ve got you.”  He reached up one hand to run it through Jensen’s hair and hushed soothingly in his husband’s ear.

Staying still was one of the hardest things that Jensen had ever done.  He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and pulling his arms more tightly around Jared.  He was practically gasping as he forced his body to stay still even though his muscles were giving him hell.  In the back of his consciousness he heard a nurse say the baby’s heart rate was steady.

“Okay, Jensen.  You did really well.  You can lay back and we’ll get some medications pumping.”

Falling back, Jensen let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.  He settled back on the bed and squeezed Jared’s hand through an entire contraction until he felt a little numb.

The anesthesiologist told him the epidural should take effect after twenty minutes but all he really felt was a dullness to the pain. It was still there but it was fuzzy and unfocused pain.  His back was still killing him, regardless of how much Jared tried to rub it.  The catheter got in the way, robbing Jensen of the one relief that actually seemed to work for him.

His body felt off, and instead of the epidural being a relief he was looking for, it made Jensen start to feel antsy and frustrated.  When he yelled out in pain, it surprised his husband as well as himself.  That wasn’t exactly what he had in mind during his child’s delivery.  He didn’t want to be the cliché of someone who screamed their way through contractions but he seemed to be heading in that direction when the pain got worse rather than numbed.

“I think we should page Ali.”  Jared brushed Jensen’s sweaty hair out of his face.

All Jensen could do was nod because he felt a pain shoot up from the front of his birth canal over the swell of his middle.

When Ali came back into the room and found that the numbest part of Jensen’s body was his legs, she suggested they try redoing the epidural.  She dashed out and returned with a different anesthesiologist who tried to administer the medication to a different part of Jensen’s spine but it didn’t seem to take, leaving him with a feeling of half numbness. 

“We could try doing it again.  It’s not delivering the pain medications correctly,” the anesthesiologist suggested, giving both Ali and Jensen a hopeful smile.

In his pain, Jensen looked straight at the anesthesiologist and yelled, “fuck off!” while growling through the tail end of the contraction.  He grit his teeth and must have been throwing off some serious anger because the man seemed to listen and high tailed it out of the room.

When he actually threatened the nurses with death if they came near him, Ali knew she had to do something about Jensen’s back labor.

“Why don’t we try getting you up on your hands and knees if you can handle it.  It will take some pressure off your back and maybe we can get the baby the spin fully.”  Ali kept her hands on Jensen’s middle and felt the baby’s position.  “I think it will help.”

Though reluctant to look stupid, Jensen nodded and let Jared and Ali help him onto all fours.  In the new position, he felt vulnerable and exposed but Ali had been right, the position eased the baby off his spine.

Ali left him for the time being, promising to be back soon, but he stayed on his hands and knees for a half hour, body rocking forward with each contraction.  When a particularly intense pain hit him, he felt like he was being split in two.  “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Jared kept rubbing the small of Jensen’s back, massaging up over his hips and back down again.  He stayed silent in his support, letting Jensen cling to him but also letting Jensen take the lead.

In an attempt to alleviate the pressure in his hips, Jensen subconsciously made a figure eight with them before falling forward onto his forearms and screaming into the pillow.  “Oh shit, I can’t…I…fuck.”  He started panting, close to being overwhelmed with the intensity of it all.  “Why the hell would you want to do this?”  He glared at Jared and shook from the pain crashing into him.  For the first time, another contraction seemed coupled with the last one and Jensen rocked forward on his forearms while moaning.  The cramping was making him nauseous again and before he could register that fact in time, Jensen retched over the side of the bed, dry heaving on an empty stomach from his previous times spent vomiting.  Hours ago he would have cared but at this moment he just fell back on his forearms and made a series of moans as the pain pushed his baby lower.  “Kill me.”

“Not happening.”  Jared pressed a call button for a nurse but kept a hand rubbing calming circles over Jensen’s back.  “You’re almost done.”

Jensen felt Jared massaging the tight muscles of his back, working him through the contraction.  It was the only thing he focused on as the pain made him loopy.  “You have no idea how much I love you and hate you at the same time.”  He felt a painful kink in his back muscles and yelped.  “Oh, Jared!  Oww, oww, oww.”  He tried to reach backwards towards the pain but couldn’t support his weight with only one arm.

“Right here?”  Jared hit the spot and rubbed the heel of his hand into it.  “I’ve got ‘cha.”

“This isn’t supposed to be happening.”  Jensen let out a cry.  He was supposed to be numb.  What he was feeling right now was anything but.  There were weird moments of tingling but for the most part everything burned.

Ali came back in on the next contraction, catching Jensen letting out a drawn out growl for its duration, only taking a breath so he could growl some more.  “Sounds like someone wants out.”

“Well someone sure as hell wants her out.”  Jensen groaned and huffed out a breath, his body involuntarily bearing down on the exhale.  The pushing felt like a relief from riding out the pain and he gasped at the sensation.

“I’m going to check you, okay?”  Ali put a hand on Jensen’s back and trailed it down his thigh so as not to startle him when she moved his gown out of the way.  “Oh, yeah.  The baby is nice and low for you.  I think you can try pushing if you feel up for it.”

Jensen’s body took the suggestion and ran with it, bearing down slightly and feeling the stretch and burn of his baby’s head descending in the birth canal.  “Guhh!”

“Woah, woah, woah.  Hold on a second.”  Ali returned her hand to Jensen’s back as she did a quick visual check of the room.  “Let me get some supplies and a nurse or two and I’ll be back so you can try pushing for the first time.”  She didn’t wait for a response but left on a smile.

Jensen looked at his husband and wasn’t sure who was more nervous about the whirlwind of activity.  Jared looked like he was shaking but so was Jensen.  “The baby’s coming, Jay.”

“Yeah…we…we…we’re…”  Jared swallowed loudly.

Whatever Jared was stammering to get out, Jensen cut off when he widened his legs and fell forward.  “Fuck!”  The pain increased and he felt his legs shaking under the stain.  “Where the fuck is Ali?  I need to push.”  Jensen swore he’d never thought those words would come out of his mouth but he’d never meant anything more in his life.  The urge to bear down was omnipresent and made it hard to breathe any deeper than shallow pants.

“Right here,” Ali announced as she returned with her materials.  A nurse Jared and Jensen hadn’t seen before and Kerri were hot on her trail.  “Guys, nurses Kerri and Alexis are going to be helping me out tonight.  But we don’t really need them, do we?  No offence girls, but you got this, right Jensen?”

“No!  I do not ‘got this.’  I’m not supposed to feel anything.  I can’t…I’m not.”  Jensen let his forehead fall onto his forearms and panted oddly.

“Listen, you’re ready.  The baby’s ready.  It’s time to show me what your body can do.  It’s not going to be easy but I’m going to help you.”  Ali stood beside her patient, waiting for Jensen to look her way.  “You want to push on your hands and knees?”

“No.  I’m tired of being like this.  Can I flip?”

“Yeah.  Jared, help me?”  Together, Ali and Jared got Jensen on his back again.  Ali smiled, pulled on a pair of gloves and helped put Jensen’s legs in the stirrups to keep them splayed wide.  A nurse draped a sheet over Jensen’s legs to give him some privacy and Ali readjusted it before taking a seat.  She did a quick exam of Jensen’s opening and nodded.  “That baby is ready to meet you.”

“I’m not ready to meet her!  I feel _everything_ ,” Jensen groaned.

“I know but we’re out of options now because I need you to start pushing.”  Ali checked the monitors to her right.  “The baby’s heart rate looks good for now but it’s dipping when you contract so let’s try to keep an eye on that and get this little one out ASAP.  When your next contraction hits, I want you to try pushing, just like we talked about in my office.  Okay?  Remember that?”

Jensen remembered.  He remembered every little detail of how to push and what muscles to use.  The problem was, he hadn’t anticipated feeling the pain that was telling him not to push.  He felt his body prepare for a contraction and the air knocked out of him.  “Oh, shit, here comes…fuck!”  Jensen’s head rose off the pillows and he curled it into his chests, straining to push as he was instructed.

“Good.  Keep going.  We’re going to try to go to ten.”  She counted down slowly, smiling at Jensen’s determination.  “Great job.  Can you give me another?”

Holding his breath, Jensen repeated his push, forcing everything he had down to his birth canal.

“Nice push!”  Ali wiped the area.  “Go easy for a second.  It’s a tight squeeze and I want to let you stretch a bit.”

“Can’t…oh, god….’nother!”  Jensen growled and bore down.  He held his breath and went silent, staring at Jared and holding out a hand.  Jared grabbed onto his husband and Jensen squeezed his hand steadily for the duration of the push.  Jensen panted and looked between his legs at Ali.  “Sorry, I couldn’t help it.”

“It’s okay.  Your body knows better than me.  We’ll go with it, okay?  But if I tell you to stop, stop.”  Ali smiled to bolster her patience confidence.  “I know this isn’t how you planned doing this, but you’re doing great.”

“She’s okay?”  Jensen looked towards the heart monitor and back to the doctor.

“So far, so good,” Ali reassured.

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

Jared flexed his fingers now that Jensen released them and stroked Jensen’s jaw.  “You’re not going to hurt her, Jen.” 

The pressure in Jensen’s pelvis built up again and he grunted.  “Oh, oh, oh, shit!  Gotta push.”  Instinct took over and he bore down hard, feet pressing against the stirrups as he moved his baby lower.  It hurt and he tried to touch his knees together and bury the feeling but Ali stopped him.

“Keep ‘em open.  A little wider.  Perfect.  _Now_ push.”  Ali fixed her eyes on Jensen’s opening.  “There you go.  That’s perfect.  Push just like that, maybe a little harder.”

By the time Jensen pushed through the duration of the contraction, he was winded.  He gulped down several lungfuls of air.  The next time he pushed, he pitched forward and Jared caught his back, helping support him through the effort and counting in time with Ali.  As much as pushing hurt, it gave Jensen a sense of actually being able to have some control over his labor.  The pain wasn’t just crashing into him, he was working with it and taking an active part in his child’s birth.

Falling back on the bed, Ali let him rest for a whole contraction before gearing him up to give it his all on the next one.

Pressing two fingers to his entrance, Ali smiled at Jensen, “Come on, push right down here.”

Jensen pushed as hard as he could.  He fell into a rhythm of pushing in silent determination, letting out the occasional grunt as he let the push go and relaxed back onto the mattress.  He didn’t open his mouth to snap at Jared or complain about his lack of an epidural.  Pushing gave him something to do and he was going to do it well.

An hour in and he was sweating, shaking, and having a hard time finding a regular breathing pattern.

“Try to breathe, Jen.”  Jared pushed back Jensen’s damp hair and gave his husband an expression laden with concern.

“Try’n,” Jensen snorted as he grimaced in pain and let out a sob.  He looked towards Ali in frustration.  “Does her head plan on coming out anytime soon?”

“The head is right there Jensen.  I swear.  A few more pushes and the baby will be crowing.  I know you’ve been working hard but you got the baby right there.  It’s so close to coming out.  Here,” Ali took Jensen’s legs out of the stirrups.  “Grab behind your thighs and pull back as you push.  Alexis and Kerri will help push your feet up.”

The new position was weird and Jensen didn’t like the nurses getting a free view of the business end of the situation but they were telling him a contraction was coming and when they pressed his legs close to his chest he had no choice but to push.  “Argh!”

“Perfect!  What did I tell you, the baby’s crowning.”  Ali smiled wide.

“Believe me, _I know_.”  Jensen moaned through another push, fingers digging into the meat of his thighs as he pushed.

“You want to see?” Ali asked.

“No, I don’t want to see!  I want it out!”  Jensen practically snarled as his words ended on a scream and the stretch and burn sensation took over.

Ali turned to the other man in the room.  “You wanna see, Jared?”

Looking hesitantly at Jensen, Jared took his husband’s lack of a retort as an ‘okay’.  “Yeah.”  He moved around towards the end of the bed and his eyes went wide.

“See right there?”  She pointed to a sliver of skull bulging out from Jensen’s opening.  “That’s the top of the head.”  Almost on cue, the head pushed forward.  “Great job, Jensen!

“Mother fucker!”  Jensen curled in on his stomach as he pushed, feeling the baby’s head slide out further.  “This fucking hurts so bad.”

Ali looked up at him, nodding in understanding.  “I know.  I know it does.  Remember all those sucky parts we talked about?  Well this is the worst of them all, okay?  You get through this and you’re golden.  “Just don’t stop, you’re so close.”

Jared didn’t move, too stunned to stop watching his husband work.  Hearing Jensen let out a shaky scream, he came to his senses and ran back to the head of the bed.  “Jensen…his head…it’s right there.  You’re doing it, Jen.”

Nodding, Jensen took a deep breath and pushed again.  He knew he probably sounded ridiculous but he couldn’t stop the moans and pants from leaving his mouth as he struggled to get the baby’s head out.  “Nnngh!  Out! Out! Out!”

“It’s coming, Jensen.  Just a little bit more.  Perfect.  Don’t stop.  You’re at the forehead,” Ali’s words trailed off when the head slipped back inside a bit as Jensen gave up on the push and panted.

Kerri, however, wasn’t on board with Ali’s method of delivery.  “Come on! Push, push, push!”  Her voice was sing-songy and peppy cheerleader.  “You’re almost there.  Push that head out!  Come on! Push!  Push hard!  Push it out!  Pu – ”

Jensen glared at her, chest heaving and eyes intense.  “Shut the fuck up!”  He barely got the retort out before a contraction made him _need_ to bear down again.  “Oh god!”

Jared looked at Kerri and shook his head.  “We’re not doing any of that.”

Looking confused, Kerri stared at Ali and got a silent reprimand from her as well.  She shook her head but zipped her lips, holding Jensen’s leg up and open while he pushed at his own pace.

A strong urge to push hit Jensen and he rode it, pushing harder than ever before.

“Woah, Jensen, hold up for a second.”  Ali moved her fingers around the tight membrane stretching to accommodate the baby’s head.  “I don’t want you to tear.”

“Can’t…Don’t wanna stop, oh fuck!”  Jensen felt the pain of the stretch but he kept pushing.  He heard Ali’s instructions loud and clear but his body didn’t care.  The urge to push was overpowering every muscle in his body and there was no way he could fight against that.  He let out a yell and pushed, despite Ali cursing and trying to get him to stop.  A searing burn shot through him and Jensen couldn’t stop the scream that left his mouth.  Even still, he kept pushing, pressing his chin to his chest and forcing his baby down through the pain.  Taking one more deep breath, he pushed down hard and an intense pain blossomed from where he felt his baby’s head being expelled from his body.  “Oh, shit!  Jared!  Burns!  Holy…”

“Shit, you tore,” Ali muttered as she worked to see how much damage Jensen had done.  She frowned.  “Alexis, can you get something to help staunch the blood flow?”

Alexis nodded and grabbed some supplies from the cart Ali had brought in over an hour ago.  When she returned, she and Ali worked to keep the area clear of blood.  It wasn’t flowing quickly but the tear wasn’t clean and Jensen winced the moment Ali touched it.

After the sound Jensen just made, Jared’s heart lodged in his throat.   “Is he okay?  I mean, the blood…he’s okay? “

“It hurts but he’ll be fine.  I can stitch him up once the baby is born.  It happens sometimes.  Jensen was a little tight and he stretched too fast but he’ll be fine.”  Ali moved her hands over the baby’s face and used a suction bulb to clear out the newborn’s airways.  She helped support the tiny head as the baby rotated slightly.  “Baby’s head looks good.  Wanna try to get the rest of the body out?”

Jensen didn’t bother with a verbal answer and started pushing again, ready to get his kid out.  “Oh fuck, hurts.”  He backpedaled from the push and stared at his doctor with wide eyes.  “I can’t…I…Did I hurt her?”

“No!  Everything is perfect.  Your little one is almost here but I need you to take it easy for a moment while the shoulders get ready to be born.  Pant through the next few contractions so you don’t tear more.”

Tearing more did not sound like a good idea to Jensen so he listened to his doctor this time.  He panted rapidly, focusing on not pushing.  “Jared, I…”

“I’m right here, Jen.”  Jared let Jensen squeeze his hand and wait out the contractions until Ali gave him the okay to start pushing.

Running her fingers along the baby’s neck, Ali cleared the umbilical cord and gave a nod to Jensen.  “Alright, push on the next contraction.”

When the pain hit, Jensen planned on going with it but he froze.  Even though it seemed stupid and he knew his body would get the baby out one way or another, he didn’t push.  He knew the next few pushes would be his last and then he’d have a baby.

It was terrifying.

“Come on, Jensen.  Push.  You already did the hardest part.”  Ali looked up at her patient and bit her lip.  “I’ve never lied to you.  This is the home stretch.  Now, are you going to push that kid out or what?”

Nodding, Jensen went back to being silent as he bore down.  He closed his eyes and focused on working his muscles so that his baby would come into the world.  Grabbing the backs of his legs, he gasped as he let up on the push and felt a shoulder pushing though.

Ali watched things moving faster now and caught sight of Jared.  The man was standing beside his husband but rather than the solid support he had been throughout the past hours, he looked lost.  Jensen was working on autopilot, leaving Jared to lick his lips nervously and try to figure out his place in the moment.  An idea blossomed in her mind as she called out.  “Jared, come over here.”  Ali made a quick jerk with her head in an invite for him to move towards her.

Jared stepped forward uncertainly, a question in his eyes as they flitted between Jensen and the doctor.

“I want you to help catch your baby.  Do you think you can do that?”  Ali kept both hands securely supporting the emerging newborn and looked up at Jensen.  The man was so focused on getting the baby’s shoulders out that he was in his own world.  She turned back towards Jared and nodded reassuringly. “Jared?  Can you do that?”

“I…uhh…”  Jared tripped over his words but he managed to nod his head.

“Good.  I’m going to help you but once the baby is out, you’re going to swing it right up onto Jensen’s belly, okay?  Don’t let go.  Make sure it’s safe.”

“Yeah, I can…I…holy shit!”  Jared moved so that he could see most of his child come into the world.  Jensen locked eyes with him and let out a guttural moan as his whole body tensed while he bore down.

Ali ignored Jared for a moment, concentrating on her patient.  “Great job.  You’re so close, Jensen.  Wait for the next contraction and then you’ve got this.”

Jensen felt like he his brain was stuck on only one thing: getting his baby out.  As much as it hurt, the urge to bear down was unrelenting and his whole body quivered with the effort of each push.  He felt the painful stretch of his baby’s shoulders right there, ready to come out into the world if he could just push hard enough.

Eyebrows furrowed close together, Jensen caught sight of his husband staring between his legs.  He wanted to reach out for him but the pain was building again and all he could do was grab the bed’s railings and clench his fists around it as he breathed heavily.  “Gotta…now!  Gotta push now!”

“Go for it.”  Ali focused on the baby but looked up long enough to give Jensen a nod.  “Harder, Jensen.  Come on, you can do better than that.”  She let out a happy snort when Jensen gave a solid push and helped deliver the baby’s shoulders.  “There you go!”

The baby pushed into the world slowly, limbs falling away from the tight press against the baby’s body that they’d been in during the birth.  “Shit, Jared, get over here.”  Ali looked up at Jared but he seemed transfixed on watching his baby.  “Jared!  You’re going to miss this.”  Without waiting for permission, she reached out, grabbed Jared’s hand and yanked him closer.  She made quick work of taking both of Jared’s hands and placing them precisely on the baby’s body.  “Come on Jared, help deliver your baby.  You’ve got this.  I’m letting go.”  Ali’s hands only pulled away from the baby once it was clear that Jared had a good hold on it and didn’t seem like he’d let anything change that fact.

Jared’s eyes lit up in awe but quickly glazed over with emotions and tears.  He let out a laugh of disbelief as he cradled the baby’s body while Jensen worked it out inch by inch.  He looked up at Jensen and smiled, letting out another shaky laugh.  “Come on, Jen.  You’re so close.”

Jensen returned his hold on the back of his thighs, locked eyes with Jared and pushed.  He held his breath, focusing on getting the rest of his child out on this one push.  Just as he started shaking, he felt the pressure give way and the pushed the baby out on a grunt.  “Nngh!”

“Woah!”  Jared caught the baby, his whole body shaking with nerves but his hands steady and dedicated to following Ali’s orders.  He flipped the baby onto Jensen’s middle, setting the newborn safely on the man’s panting lungs.  “Hi, baby.”

Jensen looked down at the bloody, mucus covered being on his chest in shock.  Without thinking, his hands reached down towards it and he laughed as he got a hold of the baby.  His fingers bumped into Jared’s and they both worked together to hold their baby there.

Jared was laughing and crying at the same time.  “We made a human being.”  His voice wavered as his child left him breathless.  “Oh my god, Jensen, look what you did.”  He tried to blink away tears so he could see clearly.

Months ago, Jensen swore he wouldn’t be one of those new parents that lost their shit as soon as they see their newborn for the first time.  Months ago, however, Jensen had no idea how perfect his baby’s weight would feel against his chest, right above his heart.  He had no idea how glad he would be to have the baby out and in the world.  The tears were practically immediate.  They hit him hard and he was shaking from both exhaustion and sobbing.  “Jay…”  He looked up towards his husband but Jared was crying just as hard so he forewent words and tilted his chin upwards, hoping Jared would get the hint.  In seconds they were kissing through sobs of disbelief, breaking apart to look at their baby and then kiss all over again.

A nurse was getting in the way of them holding the newborn but Jensen forgave her the moment she seemed to annoy the baby enough that it let out a loud wavering cry.

“Oh, sweetheart.”  Jensen looked down and ran a finger over the baby’s cheek.  It’s eyes were closed but it was wailing with gummy open mouthed cries, each effort letting the little one test out its lungs and put them to good use.  He had had a hard time picturing what their baby would look like but now that it was here, he felt like an idiot for not picturing the little face he was looking it.  “Girl or boy?”

Jared pressed another thankful kiss to Jensen’s lips and pulled back enough to get a clear look between the baby’s legs.  “Boy.”  Smiling wide, he ran a hand over the baby’s back.  “You’re a boy, huh?”

The news hit Jensen in the heart and he started crying harder.  He had a son.  A son he might never have had if he let his fears get the best of him.  Thinking back, he had no idea what he was so afraid of because holding his newborn son against his chest was the most euphoric feeling he’d ever had.  “I’m sorry, buddy.  I kept calling you a girl.  I didn’t mean to.”  He ran a finger over the bridge of the baby’s nose and over his lips and then circled his chin.  “It looks like your papa was right.  Huh?”

“I told you I was right.”

“So, does he look like a Logan?”  Jensen cocked his head at the baby.  He wasn’t sure what the baby looked like but he looked like theirs.  He looked like he belonged in their arms and that was good enough for him.

“I think so.”  Jared pressed a kiss to the baby’s forehead.  “Hi, Logan.  Welcome to the world.  We’re so happy to finally meet you.  You have no idea how long we’ve been waiting for you.”

“I’m sorry to break this up, but I really want to check out his heart.  Can I steal him for just a little while?  I promise, he’ll be fine.”  Ali gave an apologetic smile.

Jensen turned towards his doctor and swore her eyes were on the watery side.  The smile she was giving both him and Jared was genuine and full of pride and happiness.  “Yeah.  Just…be careful.”  He knew the words were stupid; Ali had just helped Logan into the world.  If she could do that, she could carry the baby across the room.

“I will be.  He’s in good hands.”  Ali reached out and got a good hold on the newborn.  “Come here handsome.”  She smiled at Jensen.  “You did great Jensen.  Seriously.  _Amazing_. “

“Thanks…I mean…I know I wasn’t easy but…thanks for _everything_.”

Ali shrugged like it was nothing.  “Oh, stop.  It’s my job.  And this little one?  He’s gorgeous, Jensen.  You two did good.  He’s the cutest baby I’ve ever delivered.”

Jensen snorted.  “You probably say that to all the newborns.”  He wiped at his tears with the back of his hand.

Laughing, Ali held the baby close to her chest and carried him towards an infant cot.  She was speaking to him softly, smiling at him for no other reason but to take in his presence in before she laid him on the cot.  Jensen’s eyes followed her the whole time before Jared filled his frame of view. 

“Thank you.”  Jared’s voice came out shaky and on the tail end of a sob.  “I love you and you’re amazing and I could never…”

Jensen cut him off by pressing a finger to Jared’s lips.  “Don’t thank me.  Don’t.”

“But, Jen….what you just did?  That was amazing.  That…I got to watch our son being born and I never thought I would have gotten that chance.  But I did…because of you.  I’m not thanking you for our son; I’m thanking you for doing this with me, for being in this with me.  I love you so much.”  He leaned down and kissed Jensen’s mouth, smiling the whole time.  “I’m so proud of you.  Like…other people have probably said that before but they’ve never meant it as much as I do right now.”

“We did it, huh?”  Smiling again Jared’s lips, Jensen lingered there.  “Jay, you have no idea how much I love you too.”  He turned his head when he heard Logan make a sharp cry.  “Can you go see him?  Please?”  There was a tug in Jensen’s gut to keep his baby safe.  Even though the newborn just got here, being his father hit Jensen hard and he scanned the room nervously.

“Yeah…I…”  Jared looked over Jensen’s exhausted form.  “You okay?”

“I’d be better if you checked on our son.”  The words felt new on Jensen’s tongue but they made his lips curve up in a side smile.

Jared hovered near Ali, standing just close enough to get her attention without words.  “Is his heart okay?”

“It sounds great.  He’s healthy.  You did a great job helping me deliver him.”  Ali smiled.

“Yeah?”  Jared scratched at the back of his head and gave an open mouthed happy smile.  “I..thanks for letting me have that moment.”

“You earned it.”  She gave an affectionate touch to Jared’s back.  Turning back to the infant, she hummed in interest.  “Eight pounds, six ounces and twenty-one inches long.  And he’s really hungry after all that hard work to get here.  You want to feed him?”  Ali smiled at Jared.

“Yeah.  More than anything.”

“Here you go, Dad.”  She pressed the cleaned and swaddled infant into Jared’s arms.  “Go take a seat near Jensen and Kerri will give you a bottle.  I’ve got to finish delivering the afterbirth and stitch Jensen up.  Kerri knows what she’s doing.”

Nodding, Jared headed back towards Jensen, walking cautiously.

Jensen’s heart stopped for a moment when he watched his husband sit next to him.  Jared was completely transfixed and enamored with every tiny move Logan made.  He wanted desperately to get a hold on his baby but watching Jared hold him first was worth the wait.  It was the moment his husband had almost died for and Jensen was going to let him have it for as long as he wanted.

“Jen, look at this little guy.”  Jared’s beamed a smile towards his husband as he pushed the blankets down to reveal more of Logan’s face and chest.  “I used to feel you kick and punch my palms.”  He reached up a hand at curled it around Logan’s little fist.  “Do you remember me?”

Jensen groaned and worked with Ali to deliver the afterbirth but kept his eyes on Logan.  “He so serious, Jared.” 

Logan immediately followed the sound of Jensen’s voice, his tracking skills were off but the movement was unmistakable.

“Seems he remembers you.”  Jared smiled at Jensen before kissing Logan’s cheek.  “You remember daddy?  He complained a lot, huh?”  When he sat back up, he noticed that Kerri was walking in his direction.

“Here, sweetie.  Try this.”  Kerri held out a bottle to Jared.  “Let’s try a few ounces and see what he does.  If he pulls away, try thumping his back to get a burp out of him.  I’ll help you.”

“Ohhh, okay.”  Jared toyed at Logan’s lips with the bottle’s nipple several times before the little boy played along and took it into his mouth. He gave several weak suckles before getting the hang of things and latching onto the bottle.  Smiling, Jared looked at Jensen with pride over what their son just accomplished.

“He’s perfect, Jared.”  Jensen groaned as Ali examined him.  “He’s so perfect in your arms.  He belongs there.  He was meant for you.  For us.”

“Are you perfect, Logan?”  Jared nuzzled the baby’s blond peach fuzz.  “He needs a middle name.  I picked the first name, and since I don’t think Lily will work for his middle name, you should pick something else.”

Jensen had been prepared for that question.  When he couldn’t sleep, he thought about what they would name their Logan or their Lily.  He had middle names picked out for either gender, just in case.  “Do you like Alan?  Because…I was thinking Logan Alan is a good name, not only because he is named after my dad but I liked Al, you know, like Ali.  I would have picked Allison if he was a girl like I originally thought.”  He was met with silence on Jared’s part and a flattered hum from Ali.  “You don’t like it?”

“No!  I _do_ like it.  I think it’s great.  It’s sweet and it sounds perfect.”  Jared smiled down at their son.  “Hi, Logan Alan.  Wanna let your dad feed you for a bit?  Is that okay?”  He looked down at Ali.

Ali nodded with a smile.  “We’re good over here.  I’m numbing him up so I can do the stitches, he can hold Logan.”

Jensen scoffed.  “Oh, sure…numb me now.  Thanks!” 

Wiggling the bottle lose, Jared was met with an unhappy whine.  “I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m not trying to be mean, but your dad really worked hard today.  I think he needs to see that all his hard work paid off, is that okay?”  Standing up, he placed Logan in Jensen’s arms.

The way Jensen’s arms cradled Logan was completely natural.  He reached out towards the baby and snuggled him close without a second though.  The minute Logan took the bottle again, Jensen completely felt like a dad, cliché bonding moments and all.  Looking down at Logan suckling away, Jensen realized that despite it being the hardest thing he’d ever done, everything was worth it because he’d done it with Jared.


	17. Chapter 16

“Oh my goodness, look at that blond hair!”  Sherri dropped a hundred kisses over her grandson’s face.  “He’s so precious.”

“We seem to think so.”  Jensen agreed as he laid back in his hospital bed and let his family fawn over the newest addition.  Giving a tired smile to Jared, he let out a tired, content sigh.

Watching everyone bond with the baby made him realize how big of a hole Logan just filled.  Everyone had been waiting for him and Logan was just the right baby to make up for everything that had been missing.

Jensen had known him for an hour and a half but he was already completely in love.  He’d only ever loved Jared like that and he was afraid to acknowledge what he was feeling at first but watching his family fall just as in love with Logan gave him courage to give in.  Logan was here now.  He was healthy and vibrant enough to help dull the pain of their failed attempts to have a baby.

Mackenzie hovered over Sherri’s shoulder and cooed at her nephew.  “You just pushed that out?”  She threw Jensen a surprised face.

“Thank you for putting it so delicately but yes.  Twelve hours and seven stitches later, yes.”

“TMI, Jensen.”  Mackenzie curled her lip and cringed before going back to focusing on Logan.

The exhaustion was clear on Jensen’s face when he locked eyes with Jared and yawned.

“You okay, Jen?”  Jared kissed his husband’s forehead.

“Yeah.  I’m just tired and I feel like I could fall asleep midsentence.”  Yawning again, Jensen gave his husband a happy, sleepy smile.

“Want to kick out the welcoming committee?”

“No…I…no, it’s okay.  I want everyone to get a chance to meet him and your dad and my brother still haven’t…”  His words were cut off with a yawn.

“He’s not going anywhere, Jensen.  They can come back later.”  Taking one look around the room, Jared went to his mother and took Logan.  “Okay, guys, visiting time is over for now.  Jensen needs to rest.  And I think Logan does too.”

Though it came as a surprise to him, Jensen had never been happier to have someone speak for him.  As much as he loved his family, some quiet time with his two men sounded like a much better plan right now.

*************************

Though the door was open, there was a knock on the wall beside the entrance to Jensen’s hospital room.  Jensen looked up and saw Doug and Scott with Emmy perched on his hip.

Scott’s eyes curved up into a smile as he grinned.  “Can we come in?”

“Hi, yeah, of course.”  Despite wanting to welcome the new visitors, Jensen winced as he tried it push himself further upright.

“Congratulations.”  Scott’s eyes lit up on the word.  “How’re you doing?”  Walking in slowly, he tried not to disturb the peace of the room.

“Sore. Tired.”  Jensen scratched at the back of his head.  “Happy.”  Smiling at his friends, he focused on that last part.  He was feeling a lot of painful negative things but none of them held a candle to the sense of relief he felt now that Logan was here.  “Epidural didn’t work,” he paused when Scott cringed, “but whatever pain meds they’re giving me now are beautiful.”  He held up his wrist where the I.V. brought pain relief along with fluids.

“Milk those for all they’re worth,” Scott teased while nodding in understanding.

“Oh, I plan to.”  Jensen rested against the inclined bed and raised an eyebrow at Scott before looking at his other friend.  “Hey, Doug.”

“Hey, Jen.”  Doug laughed as he set a gift bag on the ground.  “You look like shit.”  The comment earned him a jab in the ribs and a dirty look from Scott.  “What?  Do you want me to lie?”

With an exasperated sigh, Scott rolled his eyes.

Jensen snorted but couldn’t help but laugh.  “Yeah, thanks.  Feel a little like it.  Logan kinda made sure I had the full experience if you know what I mean.”

“Emmy kinda did the same thing, but I got the added bonus of being cut open.”  Scott scanned the room.  “Where’s Jared?”  He struggled to keep Emmy on his hip as she wiggled and tried to reach out for Jensen.

“Unc Jen!”

“Hi, baby girl.”  Jensen waved Scott over and gave her a kiss on the cheek while she hugged his face.  Content with the attention, she went back to clinging to Scott like a monkey.  “Jared went to get Logan, so you guys have perfect timing.”

As if on cue, Jared stepped into the hospital room with the small cot containing Logan.  “Hey guys.”  He gave Scott and Doug a nod in greeting.  “Logan, you’re awfully popular. You’ve had non-stop guests since you were born.”

“Is that okay?”  Scott asked tentatively.

“Of course.  I recall we came to visit you when Emmy was born,” Jared said with a smile.

“And I was an angry bitch.”  Scott snorted out a laugh.  “C-sections are a bitch to recover from.”  With a smile he closed the distance between him and Jared and pulled the man into a hug.  “Congratulations!  Finally, right?”

“Yeah.”  Jared laughed softly and returned the hug, making sure to shift his shoulder enough so that he didn’t squish Emmy. 

Jensen watched his friends congratulate Jared and fawn over the cot to see Logan for a moment until his eyes fell on what he really wanted to focus on – Logan himself.  He had no idea why but he felt antsy, like if he didn’t get to see his son soon he would go out of his mind.  “Umm…Jare?”

“Hmm?”  Jared pulled away from his conversation with Scott and Doug and turned to face his husband.

“Can I see our baby?”  He made a reaching gesture towards the cot.

“Yeah, Jen, that’s why I went and got him.  I bet he missed you.”  Jared gently picked up the baby, hands still getting used to the action, and placed him in Jensen’s arms.

The tension that had been building in Jensen’s body went out of him the moment his son snuggled into his arms.  “Hi, Logan.”  He kissed the baby’s head and his heart exploded with love as he spent a few silent moments staring at his son.  Realizing he’d been ignoring the other people in the room, he gave an apologetic smile.  “I’m sorry.  I’m just glad he’s here…for a lot of reasons.”

Jared flashed an understanding smile that let on that he could list every single one of those reasons.  “It’s okay Jen.  You were superman yesterday.  You can hold Logan all day every day if you want to.”

Jensen laughed.  “I think that is a bit excessive.”  The more he thought about it, however, Jensen realized that maybe it wasn’t.  Logan was so sweet and little.  As much as he wanted him out in the world, it was a little terrifying in the sense that he had less control over things in Logan’s world.  He ran a finger over Logan’s cheek and chuckled when the baby opened a serious set of eyes at him before blinking them closed.

Doug watched Jensen interact with his son, one thumb hooked in his belt loop as he gave a confident smile.  “I told you you’d be a good dad.”

Humming in acknowledgement of the statement, Jensen looked up at his friend.  “You wanna hold him?”

Doug’s eyes lit up.  “Yeah, can I?”

“You didn’t break Emmy, so I guess I trust you with Logan.”  Jensen loosened his hold on the baby and leaned closer to his friend in invitation for Doug to take Logan from him.

“Hi, little guy.”  Doug bent down and pulled the baby into his arms so that Logan’s head was cradled in the crook of his left elbow.  “Oh, wow, you’re so light.”  He smiled at the newborn and scanned his features.  “You two did a good job.  I think you should keep him.”

“Oh, we’re keeping him.  There will be no do-overs of _that_.”  Jensen snorted in regards to the last 24 hours.  His smile returned quickly as he watched his best friend hold Logan for the first time.  It was funny seeing things from this point of view.  He assumed he looked very similar to Doug the first time he held Emmy.  He’d been so cautious and nervous that he’d do something wrong to the baby while Emmy’s parents were both watching him like a hawk.  Jensen saw Doug’s face grow serious with worry the second Logan let out a whine but relaxed when he was able to hush the baby back into contentment.

“Hey, Emmy, wanna see Uncle Jen and Uncle Jared’s baby?”  Doug walked towards Scott and his daughter, turning Logan out slightly so the little girl could see him.  “Say hi to Logan.”

Emmy looked at the baby in some confusion before her father prompted her to say hello again and she got out some baby talked version of a greeting.  Then she reached out a hand and petted the blanket over Logan’s middle like he was a small animal.  “Baby!” she squealed in delight. 

“That’s right, Em.  Baby.”  Doug smiled at his daughter.  “You have to be careful.  He’s new.”

Emmy nodded like she understood and petted Logan a few more times.

Doug’s face softened when he saw his daughter interact with the newborn.  He caught Scott’s attention and a big grin spread over his face.  “See, Scott.  She’s okay with babies.”  Looking down at Logan, Doug shifted him so he was nestled higher on his chest.  “I think she’d be good if we…you know…had another baby.”

Scott made a surprised gasp, almost like he was choking on an exhale of air.  “What now?”

“Emmy’s one and a half, I think she’s ready for a sibling.”  Doug turned Logan’s face towards Scott.  “Come on, how cute is this?”

Jared broke up the moment by swooping in and grabbing Logan.  “Okay…I’m not having my son become some pawn in this discussion…even though he is cute…and even though I think Emmy is smitten with him…”  With a laugh, Jared threw his friends a ‘good luck’ smile and settled on the bed beside Jensen.

Jensen laughed as Doug tried to carry out his argument sans newborn and could have predicted the moment Scott said he’d have another baby when they found out a way to get Doug pregnant.

It was their normal banter and as afraid as Jensen had been of life being turned on its head in the past months, Jensen realized having Logan was exactly how they wanted things to go.

*******************************

Jensen was sure his doctor was a sadist.  Sure, Ali had been nothing but supportive during his whole pregnancy and she was a godsend during labor and delivery but now she was being downright cruel.  He wanted to sleep for three days straight but after she’d come in to examine Jensen one day later, she decided he should get up and walk more.  She gave him some speech that walking would be good for him coupled with that look that conveyed the fact she meant business and Jensen better listen to her or else.

Jared had run home to get a change of clothing and in the moments without his husband, Jensen figured he could brave walking and looking like an idiot.  Jared didn’t need to see him whine about being in pain.  So, Jensen walked.  He had nowhere to go and the only place he wanted to be was with Logan so he decided to hover near the nursery. 

He only had to look at the newborns for one second before locating Logan, his eyes falling on him like a tracking system.  His son was most definitely the best looking baby in the whole lot and Jensen felt like an idiot for actually comparing the infants.  He couldn’t help it.  He’d wondered for the months leading up to this moment what his baby would look like and if he would be healthy.  Seeing him now, it made it hard not to celebrate even the tiniest accomplishment’s Logan made.

“Jensen?”

Pulled out of the moment, Jensen turned to face the man who had called him.  He recognized the man immediately but surprise left him at a loss for words.  “Mr. Mason…”

“Greg,” the elderly man corrected with a smile.

“Yeah, Greg…sorry.  What are you doing here?”  Jensen’s eyes grew wider as he spun fully and braced his hands on the nursery’s window.

Greg gave a sheepish smile and scratched at the back of his neck.  “I…um…well I was supposed to get some x-rays on my leg.  My son wanted to take me but I said I could do it on my own.  Seems I got a little turned around and ended up here.  I was just about to ask a nurse for directions but then I saw someone I thought I recognized – you.  Turns out I was right.”  He gave a frustrated sigh.  “Guess my son was right as well.  You can’t trust an old man to navigate this huge hospital.”

Jensen laughed.  “Don’t be too tough on yourself.  I got lost here plenty of times.”  Jensen looked down at Greg’s legs, focusing on the area’s he’d helped him with physical therapy.  “What’s wrong with the leg?  You don’t need surgery again, do you?”

“No, the opposite, actually.  They want to make sure everything is still going well.  It feels great.  I had to do some pain in the ass physical therapy to work the muscles again, though,” Greg grumbled but there was a smile in his eyes.  “But you…”  Greg studied Jensen fully and noticed the hospital bracelet on his wrist.  “My goodness!  You had your baby!”  The words mostly came out as an excited statement but had the hint of a question on the tail end.

“Yeah…yesterday.”  Jensen couldn’t stop the smile from spreading over his face.

“Congratulations! Now you promised to show me a picture of your little one.  You can do one better and point out which one is your baby.”

“I did promise that, didn’t I?”  Jensen turned so they both faced the nursery.  “My husband and I…we had a boy.  His name’s Logan.  He’s perfect.”

“And his heart’s okay?”  Greg asked Jensen with genuine concern and compassion.

“Yeah, it’s…it’s like the hole closed up.  He’s healthy.”  He pointed a finger towards the cot containing his son.  “He’s the little blond one in the second row.”

Greg smiled wide and made an affectionate click of his tongue.  “Well, look at that.  Isn’t he handsome?”

“He is, isn’t he?”  Jensen said with pride.  He looked at Greg and tried to figure out how to give his emotions words.  “Thank you, Greg.  Thank you for having faith in Logan when I wasn’t able to.  I…he’s here but I was so afraid he wouldn’t be.”

Greg scoffed and waved away Jensen’s compliment.  “I didn’t do anything but tell you the truth.  You’re the one that made sure he was born healthy.”  He looked at the baby again before turning to Jensen.  “You and your husband are going to have your hands full.  Logan’s got spunk.  I can tell.”

“You can?”  Eyebrows peaked, Jensen looked at his son and tried to see what Greg had seen.  He saw a lot of things in Logan but mostly right now he saw happiness.

“Absolutely.”  Looking at his watch, Greg made a surprised face.  “Look at the time!  My doctor is going to think I forgot my appointment.”  He reached out a hand and shook Jensen’s.  “It was nice seeing you again Jensen.  And nice meeting your son too.  I may just have to stop into your office for updates.  You know, I have a cute granddaughter who is only a few months older than Logan.”  He laughed.  “Look at me…proud granddad and all…already trying to set up those babies.”  He beamed another smile in Jensen’s direction.

“You know what?  If you don’t mind going slow, I can direct you to where you have to go.”  If Ali wanted Jensen to walk, he figured he could at least make the exercise a meaningful one.

“I don’t exactly move fast anymore.”  Greg gave Jensen a nod in appreciation.  “Lead the way.”

In some small way, Jensen felt like helping Greg at this moment was a way of repaying him for a fraction of the reassurance the man had given him months ago.

*******************************

As careful as Jared had tried to be, driving home with Logan was downright painful.  Jared had, understandably, fallen into the cliché of driving half the speed limit on the way home, but every bump in the road prompted a hiss of discomfort form Jensen and a scramble from both of them to see if Logan was alright, like they’d broken him somehow.

Even though it was uncomfortable, going home was actually something they’d been waiting for.  The thought of being on their own with Logan was scary but they were more than ready to be in their own house with their own things and no one to tell them what to do and when to do it.

Pulling into the driveway made Jensen realize that the last time they’d left the house, it had been the two of them.  Now there were three.

“You okay, Jen?”  Jared rushed to get the car’s back door open and help his husband to his feet.  “I tried to be careful.”  He looked up at Jensen with concerned eyes.

“I’ll live.”  Jensen took Jared’s hand and let himself be helped out of the care.  He moved a lot slower than he ever had before but eventually he got his bearings and moved aside so Jared could unclick Logan’s carrier from the base.

“Your mom asked if we wanted her to keep Daisy for another few days – ”

One glare from Jensen was enough to cut off Jared’s thought.

Clearing his throat, Jared continued, “And I told her you wanted her home so she dropped her off this morning.  Be careful…I don’t want her jumping up on you.”

“She never jumps up on people…except for my dad for some reason.”  Jensen pushed forward and unlocked the door.  The overwhelming feeling of home that slammed into him as soon as he entered the house was intense.  Equally as intense was the happy barking and scrambling of claws barreling towards the front door.  “Daisy girl!”

Daisy’s whole body wiggled with excitement as she pranced and spun in a circle in front of Jensen.  She didn’t jump but it looked like she was barely holding back as she whined pathetically and shoved her head into Jensen’s outstretched hand.

“Hey, girl.  Miss us that much?”  Scratching behind her ears, Jensen smiled and let her lick his palm.

Daisy yipped and then sniffed Jensen’s belly curiously, nosing the loose fabric of his shirt.  She let out a whine before shoving her snout in her human’s crotch.

“Woah!  Easy, Daisy.”  Jensen shoved the dog’s face away.

“I think she knows you had a baby.”  Jared smiled and put the carrier Logan was still buckled into down on the floor.

“ _Everyone_ knows I just had a baby.  What did you do?  Hirer a sky writer or something to tell everyone?”  Jensen brushed Daisy’s face away again as she attempted another curious sniff.

Shrugging innocently, Jared smiled.  “I may have been a bit over excited.  Can you blame me?”

Being thwarted in her every attempt to explore Jensen’s new smells, Daisy got distracted by a loud cry coming from the carrier on the floor.  Her ears perked up and she turned a pointed stare in Logan’s direction.  Just as she tried to bound over, Jared stepped in her path.

“Woah, Daisy, hang on a second.”  Jared took a worried stance between his dog and his son.

“Let her go.  Let’s see what she does.”  Despite having his heart in his chest, Jensen trusted Daisy enough to know she wouldn’t hurt anything.

Jared cocked his head at Jensen but shifted so that Daisy could pass and make her way towards the baby.  He watched her stick her nose in the carrier and make loud sniffing sounds as she rooted around Logan’s blankets and tried to figure him out.  The baby cried again and Daisy scampered backwards in surprise, almost falling on her rear as her back legs skidded out from under her.  That didn’t last long because her curiosity got the better of her again and she snorted in Logan’s face before licking a big stripe right over his nose.

Logan came out of the situation with a cross-eyed confused look on his face and Jensen had to laugh while he pulled Daisy back enough to stop her from licking the baby again.  “No, Daisy.  Be gentle.”

Daisy looked up at Jensen, ears twitching as she regarded him.  She whined once before laying her head down on Logan’s body, almost spanning his entire length.  Her nose was pointed at his chin and she snuffled, sneaking her tongue out just enough so she could lick his chin.

“Good girl, Daisy!”  Jared crouched down and ruffled her fur.  She rolled her eyes up at him, lowering herself more and taking a protective stance over the baby’s body.  “You going to watch out for Logan?”

Thumping her tail against the floor, Daisy continued to hover over Logan, muscles just tense enough to make Jensen think that had the person intruding on her moment with Logan not been Jared she would have been infinitely more protective.  It was a relief.  Knowing Daisy was more interested in sniffing, licking, and guarding Logan than hurting him gave Jensen a positive outlook on the shape their new family would take.

Another frustrated cry left Logan’s mouth and Daisy gave a helpless puppy look to Jensen, ears twitching in distaste for the cry.

Instinct made Jensen move towards his son but his attempt to bend any lower were thwarted by lingering soreness in his body.  “I can’t pick you up from down there, kiddo.”

Shifting Daisy’s head so he could get to the buckles holding Logan in his carrier, Jared managed to get his son into his arms.  “Sorry, Daisy.  You two can get to know each other later.  Right now I think it is time for someone’s lunch.  Huh, Logan?”  Getting to his feet, Jared rocked the baby, kissing his cheek several times.

Jensen’s lips curled up at the sight of Jared’s easy transformation into a father.  Seeing the way his husband’s huge hands danced over Logan’s tiny face when he brushed the baby’s fists away from his barely open eyes sent a rush of emotions through him – the warm and fuzzy kind of emotions that made Jensen feel more in love with Jared.  Even though he hurt, it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle.  “I’ll go make him a bottle. Hang out with him for a second.”

Still rocking the newborn, Jared raised his eyebrows at his husband.  “You sure?”  The smile Logan left on Jared’s face was blinding.  “I can do it.”

“No, I got it.”  Jensen brushed up against Jared and gave him a quick kiss to the lips.  As he made his way to the kitchen, Daisy got to her feet and trotted after him.  “Hey, Daisy.  Sorry sweetie, this isn’t the type of meal you’d enjoy.”  On the counter was the bottle station he and Jared had set up a week ago.  He’d gone over how to fix Logan’s bottle at least ten times and he knew he’d done more difficult things in the past but he was still nervous as he prepared the formula. 

Daisy waggled her tail by his side, nose twitching as she tried to figure out what Jensen was doing.  She snorted in disappointment as she got a whiff of the formula.

“Yeah, I know.  I told you, not exciting.”  Jensen completed his task and shook his head at the Husky.  Digging into a jar beside the bottle station, he fished out a dog cookie and tossed it in Daisy’s direction.  She jumped several inches off the ground and caught it in one graceful snap of her jaws, crunching happily in appreciation.  “Is that what you were looking for?”

Making a crumbly mess of her treat, Daisy licked up the remains before trotting to catch up with Jensen as he walked out of the kitchen and into the den.

Handing the bottle to Jared, Jensen took a seat beside his husband, wincing despite his attempts to hold it in.

Flipping the bottle and toying at Logan’s lips with the nipple, Jared gave his husband a concerned look.  “You okay?”

“Just sore.  I’m good.”  Leaning back against the couch, Jensen made himself comfortable so that he could turn and watch Jared feed Logan.  “For someone so little, he sure didn’t feel that way coming out.”

Daisy hopped onto the couch with one swift movement and settled down so that her head was resting on Jensen’s lap and she could roll her eyes up to look at Jensen and then stare straight ahead at Jared and Logan.  Making a whine for attention, she nudged her head into Jensen’s hand, was rewarded with scratches behind the ears, and got comfortable.

The moment turned into a content one, all quiet aside from Logan’s greedy suckling.  Jensen watched Jared and realized that while Jared had his fair share of happiness before Logan was born, he’d never seen quite the exact smile Jared was wearing.  It was a smile he’d tried to put on Jared’s face for the last two years but something just wasn’t clicking into place.  He realized it was Logan’s doing but since he was partially responsible for that, he decided it was a job well done.

With Logan over his shoulder, Jared thumped on his back, bringing a burp of air out of the baby’s mouth, followed by a reappearance of his formula.  “Ohh, Logan, gross!”  Jared craned his head to the side to see how much damage his son had done.  Without a burp cloth thrown over his shoulder for protection, Jared’s entire shirt had milky liquid dripping down the back.  “I guess it was only a matter of time, huh?”  Annoyance immediately forgotten, Jared’s eyes crinkled into a smile.  “I’m the stupid one that forgot to put a towel over my shoulder or something.”

Jensen snorted a laugh.  “Come here, little man.”  He reached out his hands and took the confused looking newborn from Jared.  “I’ll take care of him.  Go change your shirt.”  Moving so that he could almost sit Logan up in the corner of his arm, he reached out for the face cloth Jared had made a mad search for.  “Thanks.”  Smiling up at Jared, he watched him jog towards their upstairs bedroom to change.  “Listen, kiddo.  No throwing up on me, okay?  If you uphold that part of the deal, then I’ll make sure you get prompt meals.  I can’t promise anything fancy, not for a while at least.”  Jensen wiped at Logan’s face, cleaning up the dribble of spit up in the corner of his lips.  “Okay, I’ll still feed you even if you do throw up on me, but I’d prefer if you didn’t.”  Laughing, he watched Logan suckle on the corner of the face clothing and spit it out in frustration.  The baby geared up for a cry but Jensen stifled it by plugging his mouth with the bottle again.  “Don’t eat so fast this time.”

Logan opened one eye at Jensen, as if sizing him up.  His lips worked in gentle suckling motions as he filled his belly again.

With Daisy still resting her head on Jensen’s lap, she ended up wiggling it so it was closer to Logan.  The muscles above her eyes twitched thoughtfully as she tried to figure out this new little creature.

This time, when Jensen burped Logan, he was already prepared with a cloth thrown over his shoulder.  Logan only spit up a little bit and Jensen was oddly proud of that.  He and Logan still had a lot of figuring out to do but he thought they already had an understanding.

*************************

There was no foreseeable reason for Jensen to be wide awake at three in the morning.  Despite being exhausted and looking forward to a night sleeping in his own bed without the hindrance of a pregnant belly, Jensen stared at the ceiling. 

Jared was out cold.  His arms were thrown over his head and his breathing was the rhythmic kind of sleep.  Jensen couldn’t blame him.  As much as Jensen tried to push himself into doing things he always did around the house, his body was healing and he just couldn’t keep up with what his brain wanted him to do.  He had to admit defeat and ask his husband for help.

He was sore and tired but he thought he’d done pretty well for someone who literally had a baby three days ago.  That didn’t mean it wasn’t frustrating, but he wasn’t stupid and he wasn’t going to put his health at risk.  He appreciated the fact that Jared probably hadn’t sat down all day.

Logan was also sleeping peacefully in the bassinette beside their bed.  He’d woken an hour or so ago with an empty belly and a wet diaper but those issues had been taken care of and he was passed out just like Jared – hands above his head and little lips parted in sleep.

Scanning the room, Jensen couldn’t put his finger on the nervous feeling bubbling up in his stomach.  He felt on edge and his heart was beating too fast for someone who should be on the verge of slipping into unconsciousness.

He felt, more than anything, absolutely un-pregnant.  It was a weird feeling.  He’d never gotten used to being pregnant but he had come to expect certain things.  With those things suddenly not there, he felt a confusing shift in his thoughts.  It looks weeks to come to terms with being pregnant.  It took months for him to actually feel and look pregnant.  It took one day, one push, for him to be very un-pregnant.  There was no gradual shift in being.

One second Logan was inside him, the next second he was laying on Jensen’s belly.  It was sudden and Jensen had no idea why his brain couldn’t keep up with that.  It made him feel crazy or like he was going to have a break down.

He hated being pregnant, which was the reason he couldn’t figure out why he was getting so upset over not being pregnant.

Looking over at Logan, he bit his lip and pushed himself up enough so that he could scoop the baby up.  Moving slowly enough so that Logan stayed asleep, the baby snuffled softly as Jensen lifted him from his warm bassinette but he made a content sigh when he was placed on the warmth of Jensen’s body.

It took a bit of manipulating, but Jensen shifted Logan so that he was belly down over Jensen’s still swollen middle.  He had his little legs tucked under him and his arms pulled to his chest.  His head was turned to face the middle of the bed, one chubby cheek resting on Jensen’s stomach.  Situated like that, he looked like a little bump.  In the darkness, Logan’s position made Jensen’s silhouette look like he still had a pregnant belly.

Jensen traced his fingers over the shell of Logan’s ear.  He brushed the baby’s hair to the side, skimming over his soft skin and wisps of blond.

He made a noise in the back of his throat as he watched the baby.  It must have been louder than Jensen thought because he felt a shift the mattress as Jared inched closer.

“Jen?  Did Logan wake up?”  Yawning, Jared tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes as he focused on figuring out why Logan was sleeping on Jensen’s middle.

“No…he…he’s okay.”  Voice breaking, Jensen ran a hand though his hair.  He felt like a complete moron but he sniffled to hold back tears.

“Jensen?”  Jared sat up straight, eyes scanning his husband and son for the source of Jensen’s oncoming tears.  “What’s wrong?  Do you want me to get you some pain meds?”

Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, Jensen shook his head.  He had no idea why he was crying.  Well, he had an idea but it made absolutely no sense.  “No.  I’m okay.”

“No you’re not.”  Jared reached out and placed a comforting palm on Jensen’s shoulder.  “You’re not okay.  You’re shaking.  Here, let me take Logan.” He made a slow movement towards the newborn but Jensen swatted him away with wide eyes.

“No!”  Wrapping both arms around the sleeping baby on his middle, Jensen licked his lips and shook his head.  He hadn’t meant to yell.  He hadn’t even expected it.  Now he was left with a gently whining Logan and a husband who was staring at him in search of answers.  “I’m sorry…I’m sorry Jare…I just…I need to hold him for a bit.”

Holding up both hands in surrender, Jared spoke softly.  “Hey, it’s okay.  He’s ours.  No one’s going to take him.”

“No, it’s not that…it’s…”  Jensen shook his head again and looked up at the ceiling.  “God, this sounds crazy.”  He turned to face Jared directly.  “I miss having him inside me.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I _hated_ being pregnant and now all I can think is that he is outside of me and I wish he was back inside me.”  Jensen shrugged and let out a frustrated sigh.  “I mean…he’s here.  That’s great.  What the fuck, Jared?  Why do I miss having him inside me?”  Taking a deep breath, Jensen let it out on a shaky cry.  “I just miss him so much.  And what the fuck is wrong with me.”

The confession hit Jared and it was clear by the expression on his face that he wasn’t expecting it.  He pulled back in thought, confusion making way for understanding as he returned his palm to Jensen’s shoulder.  “Nothing is wrong with you, Jen.”

Jensen snorted.  “When why do I feel like a lunatic?  The last three weeks of pregnancy sucked.  I was miserable. Why the hell would I want that again?  And he’s so perfect and wonderful and I wanted you to have a chance to hold him and now you can and I just…I just wish he could be inside me again.”  Aware that he was rambling and probably making little sense through the tears, Jensen cut himself off by biting his first and curling his other arm around Logan more protectively.

“Aww, Jensen.  You’re not crazy.”  Dipping his head, Jared placed a kiss on Jensen’s shoulder.  He lingered there to give two more kisses before pulling up and staring at his husband.

Jensen had no idea how Jared could be looking at him like he was totally sane.  All he saw in Jared’s eyes was patience, love and understanding.  He had no idea how Jared still had any of that left in him after the last year.  “I’m not crazy?  You don’t think I’m crazy?”

“No.”  With a smile, Jared pressed a soft kiss to Jensen’s lips.  “Well, you’re being crazy right now but I don’t think you’re _actually_ crazy.  You just had our baby four days ago.  I think you are entitled to figuring out how this is all going to work.  You had him with you 24/7 for the last 40 weeks; I imagine it’s a shock to realize he isn’t there all the time.  And I know you hate it when I mention it, but your hormones must be absolutely insane right now.  So, no.  You’re not crazy.”

The explanation seemed so simple that Jensen wondered why he hadn’t thought of it in the first place.  He figured it was because his brain was on a brief vacation from logic right now but hearing Jared’s words made him relax.  The anxiety in his middle faded slightly and he took a deep breath.  “Ok, that’s good.  I’d hate to be the crazy dad in the neighborhood.”

Jared smiled and leaned forward to meet Jensen for another kiss.

Feeling relieved, Jensen shook his head and wiped remnants of tears out of his eyes.  “I wanted to hold him for a little while.”  He looked down at Logan and gestured to his son’s placement on his middle.  “I couldn’t sleep and I think I missed him.  I’m so tired but I felt like something was off.”  He made another gesture to Logan and ran a hand over the curve of the baby’s head.  “I think this was it.”

“Why don’t you try to get some sleep, huh?  You deserve it.”  Jared settled himself on his side, resting his head on his arm and smiling at his family.

Without looking up, Jensen continued tracing the curve of Logan’s head.  When he spoke, his words were soft and full of wonder.  “I’ll just stay up for a bit and hang out with Logan.  I don’t want to hurt him or roll over and squish him.”

Responding with a gentle laugh, Jared reached out and stilled Jensen’s hand for a moment.  “You won’t squish him.  Try to go to sleep.  I’ll stay up and watch over you two.”

After taking one look at Jared’s face, Jensen knew it was pointless to try and argue with his husband.  He also knew that if he didn’t try to get some sleep tonight, he would be hurting tomorrow.

“Okay, maybe just for a little while.”  Shifting so that Jensen was fully reclining in the bed, he made sure Logan was nestled safely against his stomach and held in place by two loving arms.  His son’s weight felt comforting against him and the last thing he recalled thinking before slowly drifting off to sleep was how damn much he loved Jared.

*******************

When Jensen woke hours later, the first thing he did was jolt into consciousness when he realized Logan was not in the last place he remembered leaving him. 

His son wasn’t sleeping peacefully on his stomach.  In fact, Logan didn’t seem to be anywhere in the room.  His bassinette was empty but so was the rest of the bed, meaning Jared was also missing.  With both of his boys missing, Jensen realized the possibility that they were together was a certain one and he relaxed.

The house was quiet but now that he’d calmed his heart down enough to hear more than just its beatings, he picked up on the sound of Jared’s voice.  Slowly, he swung his feet over the side of the bed and followed Jared's voice towards Logan’s nursery.  Tiptoeing closer, he peered through the door to see Jared talking in slow sing-song style words as he changed the baby’s diaper.

It was sweet to see Jared fawning over the newborn.  It was even sweeter to see how Logan reacted to Jared’s tone of voice.

The only thing that seemed off was the fact that Jared’s voice was a little wobbly, like the emotions were seeping out.

“Jay?”  Stepping into the room, Jensen pushed the door wider to draw Jared’s attention.  “Is everything alright?”

“What? Uh…yeah.  I’m fine.  I didn’t want to disturb you but Logan was fussing a bit and I figured I better take him from you before he started full out crying and woke you up.”  He tried to give Jensen a smile but his lips faltered.  “I uhh…I didn’t mean to worry you.  We were just having a talk.”  Jared gently lifted Logan into his arms and snuggled him against his chest.

“You were, huh?”  Shifting his weight to one hip, Jensen waited for Jared to take his time in elaborating.  He’d seen that look on Jared’s face hundreds of times and he knew it wouldn’t help anyone involved to force the issue or brush it off like it wasn’t important.  “Anything interesting?”

“Umm…well…”  Jared bit his lip and avoided eye contact.

Even in the dimmed room, Jensen caught the watery look to Jared’s eyes.  “So it looks like I am not the only crazy person tonight, huh?”

“No, I guess not.”  Nuzzling Logan’s head with his cheek, Jared shrugged.  “He’s pretty awesome, Jen.”

“Yeah, I know.”  With a smile on his face, Jensen got close enough so that he could brush up next to Jared.

“And I…I was thinking…”  Jared brushed at his eyes with his free hand.  “I kind of understand why all those other attempts to have a baby didn’t work out.”

Jensen had no words for that.  If Jared knew the answer to why they had suffered so much heartache then Jensen had no idea how he figured it out.  He cocked his head to the side and studied Jared’s face.  His husband looked sad but it wasn’t the hopeless kind of sad.  He knit his eyebrows, completely baffled as to what Jared was talking about.

Jared ran his thumb over the worried crease in Jensen’s brow.  “I kinda get it.  Things never really worked out before because Logan is the baby we were always meant to have.  He’s perfect Jen.  He’s meant for us.  So while all those other times were devastating, I kind of get it now.  He’s who we’ve been waiting for all along.  I’ve known him less than a week and I can’t live without him.  I can’t live without either of you.”  Jared let out a weak laugh, the sound coming out as a mix of something both happy and sad.

“Jay…”  Jensen let his husband’s words sink in.  They were beautiful.  That type of sentiment was powerful and intense.  His life had been chock full of emotional moments and bonding experiences in the last few days and even thought he was ready to get back to the normal routine, what Jared said meant a lot to him.  He was happy he could help complete their family in such a perfect way.  “Jared, that’s…that’s…”  There were no words that could accurately express the emotions overwhelming Jensen.  Instead, he stepped forward and wrapped both his arms around his husband and his son.  “I honestly couldn’t live without the two of you.  I’m kind of useless without you Jared and you’re useless without me, I think we’ve established that.  But Logan?  Logan is so much like you already because he figured out a way to lodge himself in my heart and I don’t think the two of you will ever find a way out.  Thank god for that.”  He kissed Jared gently and touched their foreheads together.  He knew these past few days were the easy parts, the parts where he got to bask in being a new dad and snuggle a baby who did little else than sleep and eat.  It would get harder, he knew that, but right now it was everything they needed.

Looking at Jensen with a smile in his eyes and on his lips, Jared’s voice was sincere.  “You made this happen, you know that, right?”

Pulling him tighter, Jensen felt every ounce of heartache from over the year melt away.  “Only for you, Jay.  Only for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue will be following in one day.
> 
> Wow, I am happy and sad to finish this story up.


	18. Epilogue

Whoever thought the running stroller Doug and Scott bought for Jared and Jensen before Logan was born wouldn’t be used was a complete idiot.  While Jensen acknowledged that the stroller could be seen as a rarely used novelty to some people, it was anything but to him.  He used that stroller every morning for the last year and a half.  He’d used it so much that he already had to change the wheels on it once.

Since the day Logan’s pediatrician gave the okay for Logan to go out on runs with Jensen, the two of them had a morning routine.  Actually, it was usually the three of them because Daisy wasn’t letting the two of them out of the house without her.

After putting running on hold for the weeks before and after Logan was born, it took Jensen days of slow warm ups and time to get back to a brisk pace.  Daisy didn’t mind in the slightest.  She happily jogged beside her human, tail wagging and gait set so that she was always parallel to the stroller and able to arch her head high enough to peek on the baby.

Logan didn’t seem to mind Jensen’s slow build towards running either.  Mostly, he fussed until Jensen settled him into the stroller but he fell asleep the minute his father really got moving.

Jared joined them occasionally, but usually he was a bed slug.  Secretly, Jensen liked that Jared stayed in bed.  As much as he loved his husband’s company, he loved spending mornings getting to hog Logan all for himself, even if his son was asleep for most of it.

At first, Jensen took Logan for runs during the late morning hours.  They spent weeks getting to know each other and their neighborhood.

When Jensen’s paternity leave ended and he had to head back to work, he debated giving up his morning runs in favor of evening ones so he could still spend time with Logan.  In the end, Logan made the decision for him.  As perfect of a baby as Logan was, his once issue seemed to be in sleeping past six in the morning.  He’d sleep through the whole night but demand attention as minutes before Jensen’s alarm went off, like he had some type of internal clock. 

On a hunch, Jensen bundled Logan up and took him for a morning run with Daisy.  The action worked like a charm.  Logan passed out after ten minutes of hitting the pavement and was practically dead to the world when the two of them returned home.  Running with Logan was the magic trick that calmed him down, no matter what seemed to be bothering him. Logan practically lived in that stroller when he was teething and he asked Jensen to go out for “runs” as soon as he learned the word.

On weekends, however, Jensen liked when Logan was awake for their run.  Though out of breath, he talked to his son the whole time, pointing out and naming all the objects they encountered on their journeys.  It never failed to warm his heart when Logan tried his best to parrot back every word, warping a few and giving them his own spin.  Even sweeter was the bond Logan seemed to be forging with Daisy.  When the two of them weren’t together they seemed to always be searching for each other, Logan’s eyes lighting up when he found “DeeDee” and Daisy making happy barks when she got to slobber all over her human pup’s face.

Sometimes during running, Logan would start pointing things out to Daisy, speaking in broken sentences and looking proud of himself.  It was what he was doing now as he leaned as far forward in the stroller as he could and pointed to a passing red convertible.  “DeeDee, look! Car!”

“That’s right little man.  Car.  Red car.”  Jensen laughed and turned right, quickening his pace for the final push towards home. 

Usually, Jensen wasn’t so tired by the end of a run but last night he and Jared had kept plenty busy and he felt like he was ready for a shower and a power nap.

Reaching the house, he let go of Daisy’s leash and let the dog bound over towards Jared who was putting a brightly wrapped package in the trunk of his car.

The dog yipped and startled Jared, but Daisy was blind to that fact and kept wiggling her whole rear in excitement.

“Daisy!”  Letting out a laugh, Jared ruffled her fur before turning a more serious glare towards Jensen.  “You better be ready to go in thirty minutes.”

Jensen came to a stop in front of his husband, relying a little too much on the stroller for support.  He sounded winded as he reassured Jared.  “Relax.  I’ll be ready.”  He smirked and went to pull Jared in for a hug but the man evaded him.  “Aww, come on Jay.”

“Eww, no!”  Jared dodged Jensen’s attempt at a second pull with a laugh and playful snort.  “You’re all sweaty and gross.”

“You didn’t mind last night,” Jensen said with the wiggle of an eyebrow.

“That’s because I didn’t have a three year old’s birthday party to go to in a half hour.”  Jared put both hands on Jensen’s shoulders and pushed him away teasingly.

“Fine.”  Jensen deadpanned.  He went around the front of the stroller and smiled down at Logan as the boy reached up for him.  Logan didn’t particularly look exclusively like either of his parents; he was a pretty fair mix.  His hair was still blond, though a little darker than the almost white that it was when he was born.  With a face shaped more like Jared’s and eyes like Jensen, he was pretty much the cutest one and a half year old in town. 

“Daddy!”  Logan bounced in the stroller.

Jensen would never, ever, _ever_ get enough of that word.  The minute it came out of Logan’s mouth, Jensen decided it was his favorite thing in the universe.  Reaching down, he tickled Logan’s middle and got a fit full of belly laughs out of him.  “Come here, monster.”

“Oh no you don’t.”  Jared beat Jensen to it and cut him off, unfastening Logan’s restraints and propping him up against his hip.  “You’re sweaty and gross, remember?  He’s clean and bathed.”  He raised a warning eyebrow at Jensen before throwing Logan up into the air.  The little boy giggled and hugged Jared’s face, laughing even harder when he was tossed in the air again.  Looking at Jensen like he was surprised he was still standing there, Jared made a head nod towards the door.  “You.  Shower.  Now.”

Jensen probably should have listened.  But rushing his family and forcing them into a big, sweaty hug was worth the giggles from Logan and half-hearted complaints from his husband.

*************************

The minute Jensen set Logan down at Doug and Scott’s house, he was off on an adventure to find the birthday girl.  Emmy might have been twice Logan’s age but she was his best friend from the day the boy was born.

He found her making a block tower in the middle of a room full of people and quickly joined in.  The fact that he didn’t know anyone in the room didn’t faze him.  He ran straight to the little girl.  “Emmy!”  The force of his ambush hug brought them both to the ground, laughing as they knocked into the block tower and toppled it over.

Smiling, Emmy handed Logan a block.  “Be careful,” she said with the slightest whine of annoyance to her voice but she laughed as soon as he started building the tower again.

Nodding, Logan put his block on the ground and spoke with serious dedication to the task.  “Careful.”

Letting his son play, Jensen turned to find Doug and Scott.  It was hard to believe that Emmy was three. He remembered when she was wrinkly and new and barely able to keep her eyes open.   Now she was teaching his son to build block towers and have tea parties, despite how much that messed with Jensen’s thoughts on acceptable boy activities.  Still, Emmy made Logan laugh and anyone that could do that was okay in his book, especially the little girl who made Jensen realize he was cut out for being a parent.

He spotted Doug talking to Jared across the room and joined them, slapping Doug on the back in greeting.  “Three years old, huh?”  Giving a smile, he regarded the man and then let his eyes drift downward to the one month old boy in his arms. 

Doug shook his head in disbelief while gently rocking his son.  “Yeah, I have no idea how that happened.  It looks like I am going to have to buy a rifle soon or something.  She’s so damn pretty, which is probably Scott’s doing but still…she’s…well…”  Doug shrugged and tried to laugh but Jensen could tell the emotions over his daughter growing up so fast were thick and hitting him hard.

“She’s gorgeous.  And she’s pretty good at defending herself.  Logan’s has yet to steal a toy from her,” Jared chided with a laugh.

Doug went to say something but got distracted by Scott calling for help from the other room.  “Shit.  Can you take this little guy?  I’ve gotta help Scott with the food trays and it’s kind of impossible to do that with Freddie taking up at least one of my arms.”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.”  Jared reached out for the infant, cooing the minute he pulled Freddie into his arms and caught sight of his tiny face.  “I have no idea how you convinced Scott to have another one.”

Letting out his own snort of disbelief, Doug raised his hand and brushed off the comment.  “You and me both.  I think Logan had something to do with it.”  Turning to help his husband, Doug gave one last look at his friends.  “You sure you don’t mind holding him for a bit.”

“Go.  We’re good.”  With a smile, Jared shooed him.  “Freddie isn’t going to do much more than this while you’re gone.”

“That’s ‘cause he’s showing off.  He’s saving the screaming fits for Scott and me,” Doug said before he headed out of the room.

Looking down as Freddie, Jared’s voice softened and he spoke so close to the baby that their noses almost touched.  “Aww, are you showing off?”

“He’s always good for you.  He likes you,” Jensen said matter-of-factly.  “You’re so great with babies.  I swear, Logan may have died if you weren’t around.”

“He wouldn’t have _died_.” 

“Okay, maybe not died but he probably would have gone around wearing backwards diapers or onsies for a while.  I figured it out but not as fast as you.”  Jensen laughed and watched his husband fawn over Freddie.  The baby was still too new for Jensen to figure out his personality but he already knew Freddie was as quick to rile up as Scott but as easy to wind down as Doug.

While focusing on Freddie and discussing who they thought he looked like, Logan snuck up on his parents and shoved a wooden block in Jared’s direction.  “Papa! Block!”  He pouted at Jared and gave a look of confusion over the fact that Freddie was in his arms.

Jared nodded.  “Yes, that is a block.  Did Emmy give it to you?”

“Papa, up?”  Logan dropped the block and attached himself to Jared’s leg.

“Papa is holding baby Freddie right now.  Want to go to daddy?”  Jared offered.

Shaking his head against Jared’s leg, Logan pouted all the more.  “No.  Papa, up?”  His question was sweet and soft, words wobbling a little as if he was on the verge of tears.

“I think someone is jealous,” Jensen said on a smile.  He made a quick gesture with his eyes from Logan to Freddie.  Logan had seen Freddie twice before but Jensen couldn’t remember if the little boy had watched either of his parents hold the new baby.

Jared raised an eyebrow.  “You think?”

Almost on cue, Logan burst into pathetic tears, lungs quivering on each inhale of air.

“Yeah.  Jealous.”  Jensen knew it wasn’t funny but he let out a little laugh over the fact that Logan could think anyone had the power to replace him.

Holding the baby out towards Jensen, Jared looked like Logan’s tears were about to be contagious.  “Here, hold Freddie.”  The minute Freddie was safe in Jensen’s arms, he scooped Logan into a hug and kissed his forehead.  “Why are you crying, Logan?  Huh?”

Logan’s whimpers tapered off by he buried his head in the crook of Jared’s neck and sniffled.  His tiny hands looped around his father’s neck and he hugged himself to Jared more firmly.

Jared’s heart melted and he gave Jensen a look that said as much.  Holding onto his son, he swayed his body from side to side and hushed Logan.  “Shh, you’re my baby Logan.  I was just saying hello to uncle Doug and uncle Scott’s baby.  Okay?  Want to say hello too?”

Curiosity got the better of Logan and he peeked out from Jared’s neck and gave Freddie a cautionary glance. 

Jensen shifted closer, bringing Freddie towards Logan.  Taking one of Freddie’s hand, Jensen gently moved it so that it looked like the newborn was waving at Logan.  “See, little man?  He’s saying hi.”

Letting out a loud huff of air, Logan studied the baby for a moment before letting out a whispered, “hi.”

Freddie snuffled in response and Jensen shifted him closer, cradling him against his chest rather than in his arms.  In that position, the baby seemed so much smaller and fragile.  It reminded Jensen of the days when he was still figuring out who Logan was.  Leaning down, he couldn’t escape the undeniably signature scent of a new baby.  He hummed contentedly and found himself missing the days when Logan was so tiny.  “Oh my god, Jay, he smells so _new_.  I didn’t realize I missed that.”  Jensen smiled at his husband.

“I know, right?”

“And he’s so light.”  Jensen gave Jared a curious smile and looked down to study the sleepy baby.  Freddie’s weight against his chest dug up a longing in his gut.  It was something that had been building for months but it had finally gotten up the strength to make itself known without being squashed by Jensen’s initial fear.  “Jared?”

“Hmm?”

“I’ve been thinking that we should…umm…have another baby.”  It was the first time Jensen had said the words out loud and they sounded momentous.  Though he and Jared had never discussed the fact, he knew that Jared would understand the sheer admittance of wanting another baby was enough to show Jensen’s dedication to the suggestion.  Watching Jared’s eyes widen and blink while he choked on a breath would have been comical if Jensen hadn’t had so much invested in Jared’s reaction.  “Jay, you okay?”

“ _You want to have another baby_?”

“Yeah, I…”

“No…like… _you_ ,” Jared made a gesture to Jensen’s middle, “want to have another baby?”

“Well…not particularly but I want another baby with you.  I figured I did it once, I can do it again.”  Jensen swallowed and hoped he hadn’t made a mistake in bringing the topic up in the middle of Emmy’s birthday party.  He hadn’t meant for it to slip out but with Freddie in his arms, he couldn’t stop himself.  “I know I’m asking a lot of you…I know I wasn’t fun to be around last time…but Logan turned out pretty amazing and I think our next kid will too.”

The shock melted away from Jared’s face and transformed into something warm and excited.  “Yes.  Absolutely.”  The laugh that erupted form his mouth startled Logan but the boy settled down the minute Jared sandwiched him between his two fathers.  “Yes.  Of course yes.”  He kissed Jensen, forgetting the other people in the room and delving into happy kisses.  “Are you sure?”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’m totally sure.  I’ve been thinking it for a while.  I’m just as scared as I was the first time but it’s different.  I’m kind of scared of _not_ doing this.  You know?  Having another baby now feels right.  I want to do this whole crazy thing all over again if you’re on board.”

Instead of answering, Jared shook his head and laughed softly.  “You parents are going to think you’ve lost your mind.  Your father’s reaction was pretty funny the first time around, it’s going to be even better this time.”

Licking his lips, Jensen needed to get some validation despite already knowing the answer.  “So, that’s a yes then?  You wanna try for another baby?”

Teasing his husband, Jared elbowed him in the ribs.  “You do remember that involves some variation of me topping you, right?”

“Yeah.  I know.”  Truthfully, Jensen knew they’d figure that part out like they had the times before.  Besides, if his memory was correct, Jared had gotten better at topping the last time around.

“And you’re going to get a belly again,” Jared reminded.

“Kind of the point, Jare.”

Laughing, Jared let Logan hold onto him so that he could cup Jensen’s face with both hands and pull him in for a kiss.  “I can’t wait to have another baby with you.”

Jensen responded the only way he knew how and deepened the kiss, smiling in relief against Jared’s lips.  He had known Jared wanted more than one child but those conversations where held years before Jared couldn’t get pregnant and he’d been worried it would unearth old insecurities over the fact.  The wounds were probably still there but all Jensen was picking up on from Jared’s body language was excitement and happiness.

Their kiss was cut off by Scott huffing.  “There you are!”

Pulling apart, Jensen gave a sheepish smirk to Scott before realizing the man had his eyes locked on Freddie.  “You looking for this little guy?”

“Yeah.  He’s got to eat.”  Scott raised his eyebrows at Jared and Jensen before gently transferring Freddie to his own arms.  “What are you two smiling about?”

Fumbling for words, Jared had a few false starts before speaking clearly.  “We were holding Freddie and we…we’re…we’re going to try to have another baby.”  Blushing for a moment, he looked down at the ground and then lifted his eyes to give Scott a smile.

Usually quick with a reply, Scott was speechless for a moment.  He shifted his gaze from Jared to Jensen and then back.  Nodding, he gestured to Freddie with his chin.  “Well you can’t have this one.  Go make your own.”  After a mock protective glare, he gave a huge smile, conveying his actual excitement over his friends’ new venture in life.  As snarky as he could be, Scott was nothing if not their biggest supporter.

Turning back to face Jared, Jensen placed a kiss on Logan’s confused face, blowing a raspberry on his cheek to make his son giggle.  He laughed too because even though he was nervous about what he and Jared had just decided, it was good.  He was feeling the good type of nerves that came with something exciting and worth doing.

The excitement was quickly replaced with the familiar type of agitation he’d experienced during his pregnancy with Logan when he heard Scott yelling.

“Doug!”  Scott’s voice carried through the party and caught his husband’s ears, prompting him to poke his head in from the other room.  Once he was sure he had Doug’s attention, Scott spoke with a mischievous smile on his face.  “Jensen’s going to let Jared knock him up again!”

Fidgeting in the discomfort of attention being made to that fact, Jensen couldn’t believe it was true.

He was absolutely going to let Jared do that.

He was probably bat shit crazy but he was banking on Jared doing exactly _that_.

 The sick part was, he couldn’t wait….well, mostly.

THE END

Logan and Jensen:  
[](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/9720422102/)  
Manip made by the lovely Kadysn!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness! I cannot believe it is time to say goodbye to this story! I really enjoyed writing it and for some reason this story has become more like my own child than any of my others. Despite being happy with the story as a whole, I am sad to wrap it up because I am going to miss writing this version of J2 and company. Grumpy about being mpreg Jensen is my favorite type of Jensen to write and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.
> 
> I appreciate all your comments and kind words. :-) I do plan on revisiting this story in the future but I have two roadblocks:  
> 1) I have other stories I need to work on now.  
> 2) I need some plot ideas. I don't want it to be Only For You 2 where it is the exact same story line.
> 
> *hugs and kisses* Much love!


	19. Timestamp - How The Third Trimester Cock-Blocked Jensen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Jensen wants to do is have sex with his husband. Apparently his pregnancy didn't schedule that in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: mpreg!Jensen, cursing, a little schmoop, PORN, bottom!Jared, top!Jensen, failed attempts at sex, sexual frustration  
> (It is made up of 8 different ficlets all dealing with the same concept.)  
> Rating: NC-17 (This is just thwarted filthy porn)  
> A/N - Essentially these drabbles are a part of the Only For You universe. However, as of chapter 12, they can occur any time in Jensen's third trimester (which is what he is in during Chapter 12). They may be referenced in the story, but since Only For You is not exclusively about J2's sex life, I thought these would be fun. They are meant to be humorous. ***NOTE*** - These ficlets can also be read alone if you haven't read Only For You. They will still make sense.

Jared was sweat drenched, flushed and looking utterly debauched.  His chest was heaving up and down as he fell apart on Jensen’s fingers.  “Shit, Jen.  I wanna ride you.”  His words came out jumbled and slurred with lust.

Jensen pulled his fingers out and let Jared capture him in a kiss while they clumsily swung around on the bed so that Jared was up on his knees and hovering over Jensen.  He shifted so as to straddle his husband’s hips but stopped and made a disappointed noise.  Looking down, Jensen’s middle was too big at 33 weeks to allow Jared any room to ride Jensen with any possibility of getting more than the tip of his dick inside him.  “Umm, Jensen…I don’t think this is going to work.”

“What?  Huh?”  Jensen refocused his eyes and followed Jared’s gaze to meet at his baby bump.  “Shit.”  He growled in frustration and slammed his fists into the bed.

“Hey, Jen…It’s okay.  We can do it a different way.”  Jared plastered a reassuring sexy smile on his face but Jensen wasn’t having any of it.

Emotions hit Jensen like a freight train and he let out a pained noise.  “But I want to give you what you want.  You want to do it this way.  And we can’t because…well…because I’m too fucking fat.”

“You’re not _fat_.  You’re pregnant.”  Jared reached out to place a soothing hand on his husband but Jensen avoided him.

“No.  I’m fat and this…this…. _this_ ,” he gestured to his middle, “is probably such a turn off…I don’t know why you even want to have sex with me.”

Jared sat back on his heels and let his head spin for a moment.  “Jensen, what is going on here?  You’re _not_ fat.  You’re gorgeous and I very much want to have sex with you.”  Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand but the older man pulled away.

“You know, forget it.  I’m not in the mood anymore.”  With an uncoordinated push off the bed, Jensen got up and retrieved his clothing from the floor, storming out of the room and leaving a confused, sexually frustrated Jared in his wake.

******************

Jensen was pounding into Jared from behind, loving every string of vulgarities spilling from his husband’s lips.  He felt his orgasm building, rising up to the point where he didn’t think he could hold it back anymore, like it was going to spill over any second.

Then he realized the urgent feeling wasn’t the need to come, it was the need to pee.

The baby bounced on his bladder with mind-blowing accuracy and Jensen froze.

“Shit!”  The curse left Jensen’s mouth without any of the usual raunchy neediness it carried during sex.

Looking a little too fucked out to see straight, Jared craned his neck to see behind him.  “What?”

“I gotta pee.”

“Now?”

Jensen stared at Jared like he was crazy.  There was no way Jensen would pull out of Jared’s delicious ass without a good reason.  “Yes, _now_!”  Cursing, he pulled out and made an awkward waddle to the bathroom.   In the midst of peeing he called out to Jared.  “You can finish up on your own…kid isn’t being too friendly to my bladder right now.”

Jared fell down to the bed with a frustrated flop.  “Yeah…no.  Mood’s gone.”

***************

Jared lips were swollen and wet as they wrapped around Jensen’s dick.  He went to town, bobbing his head with gusto and doing that thing with his tongue that always set Jensen off.

Essentially, Jared was sucking dick like a porn star, filthy moans and wanton pants of air included.

Only, Jensen was dead silent.  Hands at his sides, Jensen barely uttered a sound while Jared worked his best to send Jensen over the edge.  At this point…Jared would have settled for somewhere _near_ the edge.

Pulling off with a wet pop, Jared looked up in confused frustration at his husband.  “What?”

“Jay, I can’t…she keeps moving.  I just…I mean…she can _hear_ us…and she’s too young to know about sex, much less her parent’s sex lives.  And you’re moaning _right there_ …I can’t.”  Jensen shook his head.

“Seriously?”  Jared looked dumbfounded.

Jensen couldn’t believe it had come to this.  Jared’s perfect mouth was hovering above his penis and what he was about to utter shocked him.  “Seriously.”  He didn’t even know who he was anymore.

***********

Jared had been rubbing his hands up and down Jensen for the past twenty minutes.  It started off as sweet caresses of his belly but it had gotten bolder and ended up with Jared rutting his hardened length into Jensen’s side while he palmed Jensen’s semi-hard arousal.

Voice devious, Jared nipped at Jensen’s shoulder.  “Jen, you wanna?”

“No, my back hurts.”  Jensen mumbled before covering his head with a pillow.

************

Jensen had Jared on his back at the edge of the bed, pulled so that his ass practically hung off it.  His legs were spread wide and hiked over Jensen’s shoulders.

The position made it easy for Jensen to fuck inside his husband without his pregnant belly getting in the way.

It was perfect until Jared opened his mouth to let out something other than a moan.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Jensen?”

“I’m good.  This is good.”  Jensen smirked and hiked Jared’s legs higher, slamming in with more force.  He picked up a quick pace, trying to get Jared back in the moment but his husband kept studying his every action with a restrained lust in his eyes.

Pushing up on one elbow, Jared still had a concerned look on his face.  “Maybe you shouldn’t go that fast…or so hard…not that I don’t like it but I don’t want you to work too hard.”

“Shit, Jared…I’m good.  Okay?  This isn’t too strenuous for me.”  To make his point, Jensen thrust back in and rolled his hips.  “Now shut up and let me fuck you.”

Surprisingly, Jared did.  He even let out a few moans when Jensen pounded into him just right.  The moment, however, Jensen tried to lift more of Jared’s weight up to change the angle of penetration, Jared went back to worrying.  “Maybe I should get on my hands and knees.”

“Christ, Jared.  I’m _good_.”

“I’m just worried about the baby because the doctor said…”

Snorting, Jensen threw him a glare, “are you _trying_ to kill the mood?”

“No, I…I’m just worried and I don’t want you to go into labor and…”  Jared stammered over his words.

The word labor struck Jensen so suddenly that the wave of lust he’d been riding fell out from under him.  “Congratulations Jay.  Mood is officially pronounced dead.”  He grumbled and pulled out of Jared and shook his head.

Jared closed his legs and sat up.  “I’m sorry Jen!  I just worry.”

“I know, babe.  It’s usually really sweet.  But I wish you would start worrying about my dick because that could really use some of your worrying.”

****************

Jensen walked into the bedroom and found a huge plate a freshly washed berries with a side of whipped cream sitting on his nightstand.  Up until that moment, he hadn’t been hungry.  Now, looking at the berries, they looked so ripe and sweet, his stomach growled loudly at the thought.

The baby must have been in on the plan as well because there was a flurry of movement in his middle.  Jensen took it to mean that she wanted some of those berries and she wanted them _now_.

Taking a seat on the bed, he rested the plate on his crossed legs and popped a blueberry into his mouth.  He hadn’t remembered liking blueberries so much but that was the most delicious piece of fruit he’d ever eaten.  Getting another berry, a strawberry, he dragged it through the whipped cream and chewed it with a content sigh.

He’d been so busy eating that he didn’t notice Jared, a naked Jared, entered from their bedroom until he took a seat next to Jensen on the bed.  He reached to grab one of the berries with a crafty grin on his face.

“Hungry.”  Jensen swatted Jared’s hands away.  “Stop.”

“I thought it would be sexy.  You know, berries and crème in bed…”

“Well it’s not.”  Jensen turned so that Jared couldn’t get any of the goodies. “You do know what you’re doing now is like the human equivalent of trying to take a meal way from a grizzly bear.”  He curved protectively over the berries and shot his husband a serious look.  “Don’t poke the bear, Jay.”

“I kind of hoped you would do the poking.”  Wiggling his eyebrows, Jared made a slow dragging crawl until he was on his hands and knees in front of Jensen.

Shrugging, Jensen kept enjoying his snack.  “The baby wants to eat.”

The next time Jared tried to take a berry, the only word he could use to describe the sound that came out of Jensen’s mouth was “growl”.

***************

At this current moment, Jared was awesome.

He was perched with calculated placements of limbs and weight distributions so that he had one knee on the mattress of their bed and one foot planted flatly on his nightstand so that he could spread his legs wide and ensure Jensen thrust into him at just the right angle.  He was pitched forward slightly, hands white knuckling the headboard as Jensen fucked him.

It was clear from the sweat covering both of their bodies that they’d been at this for a while.

Jensen grabbed Jared’s hips as he built up a steady rhythm.  Something in his stomach twinged and one hand let go of Jared to cradle the underside of his belly, trying to lift it slightly so he could get in the handful of thrusts he needed to come.

“Jay, I’m gonna….fuck….shit….so close…gonna come.”  He felt his balls draw up tight as Jared pushed back to match every thrust.  “Fuck, fuck, fuck…I gonna…”  Suddenly the sparks of pleasure died and Jensen was overwhelmed with a rush of pain.  “Ugh!”  He choked on a breath and wrapped both arms around his belly.  The cramp was so severe that he gasped out in pain.

It was the fastest his brain had ever transitioned from complete satisfaction to “what the fuck is going on?”

“Jensen?”  Jared scrambled down from his position, worried eyes and hands running over his husband.

“Contraction.”  Squeezing his eyes closed, Jensen put up a palm towards Jared to signal for his husband to give him a minute.

Eyes popping wide, Jared almost tripped over himself.  “What? A.. _what!?_ ”

Letting out a long, deep breath, Jensen rubbed his middle.  “Not a real one.  One of those Braxton Hicky things.”

“Braxton Hicks?

“Yeah, that.”  Jensen cursed as another cramp radiated through him.  “Mother fucker.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m positive.  It hurts like a bitch though.”  Jensen sighed and sat down on the bed, rubbing soothing circles over his baby bump.  He groaned again, but this time not because of discomfort.  Though it still hurt, Jensen was hung up on the fact that he was so damn horny.  He wanted Jared so much he couldn’t see straight.  And now these stupid _imposter_ contractions were ruining his game.  “This third trimester crap is really putting a damper on our sex life.”

Jared snorted out a laugh in response.

*********************

Jensen had Jared’s hands up over his head and pinned against the wall while he pressed into him as best as he could.  It was an awkward position with his eight month pregnant belly in the way but he made it work enough to keep his and Jared’s mouths locked in a passion fueled war of tongues and lips.

Jared made a squeak, a sound that was much too small to come of out someone too large.  He pulled back and stared at Jensen’s naked middle.  “He kicked me.”

Shrugging, Jensen brushed it off.  “She kicks me all the time.  It’s kinda her _thing_.”  He leaned in to get back to what they had started but barely caught Jared’s lower lip in his when Jared squeaked again.  “What?”

“He kicked again.”  Jared kept his own nude stomach pressed to Jensen’s, his eyes widening when he felt movement again.  “Hi, little L.”  Dropping to his knees, Jared brought his face close to Jensen’s stomach and spoke sweetly.

Jensen stared at his husband without a clue as to how Jared could go from hot and heavy to baby-talking in the span of twenty seconds.  “Jared…”

“Oh shit, look,” Jared cupped a part of Jensen’s stomach and traced the outline of a limb pushing out against the tight swell.  “I can see his little foot…or hand…or something.”  Smiling, Jared continued to babble senselessly to the bump.

“Jared…”  Jensen snorted and rolled his eyes, arousal quickly deflating.

“Hi little one!”  Jared’s voice picked up in pitch, his happiness ringing through the room.  “Wow, Jen, this is so cool.”

But it wasn’t _cool_.  It was _weird_ and proof their baby was an alien waiting to pop out of him.  Jensen shivered, the moment official transformed from X to G rated.  Looking down at his husband, however, he realized he didn’t mind, at least not for now.  Jared was smiling like a loon and that was something worth taking a detour for.


End file.
